Grandad's upset us again

Lindill49 . would you say, taking the grandson out of the situation, that you are in a happy marriage ? I think if the answer to that is YES then work around it see your grandson when husband is a work take him to the park or cafe when husband is home but doing something else, juggle it so they don't come into too much contact and explain to your husband that you realise he doesn't really bond with the grandson so you ll keep him out of his way as much as possible HOWEVER if the answer is NO I think you really need to address that first and foremost as the more times you post I get the feeling it's more about your relationship which sounds very controlling

This story sounds so familiar - have you told us this before?

It seems there are many women who will put up with a controlling bully as the price for a 'comfortable' life.

If you has posted the above information re money on Mumsnet you would have been told it's financial abuse & to leave him, mind you that seems to be their answer for everything.

If I was you I would talk to H and suggest that he made plans when DGS cam over , perhaps staying for a short period to say hello & then off to wherever

Lindill49 does your husband realise that if you were to divorce him you would be entitled to half of all assets including his pensions?

Don't ignore this as the longer he is allowed to get away with this behaviour the more he will convince himself he is in the right I find it strange he doesn't treat GD like this don't let him spoil future family get togethers could he be jealous of the boy maybe he had a harsh disciplined childhood himself

OP sorry but your life doesn't sound that comfy to me.

Can you take GC for a meal on your own? Does grandad have to go everywhere with you? It sounds as if he really isn't keen to see your GS and everyone will be happier if he doesn't.
Do other GPs always get treated as a pair? I hope you (singular) get an opportunity to see your GC before your holiday. As they get older they may choose not to spend time with the two of you very often.

I agree about the iPad noise and we have to ask GS a couple of times to turn it right off as he gets so engrossed but DH blows up. DH is a professional, works part time now but has a very good private pension as well as state. I have a state pension and he gives me a small allowance. He pays all the bills and I buy my own clothes, birthday/Xmas presents for family. If we need anything for the house I have to ask. Demeaning I know but we've had so many rows in the past I now let it go and am grateful for what I have.

Noises from i-pads and other electronic devices can be infuriating. I tell ask my GSs to turn off the sound and they do.

Your son in law is just protecting his son, which is a good thing.

Why does your husband hold the purse strings? Do you have access to money and can you spend your money freely?

How does your husband treat you, is he kind?

The OP's husband is not her GC's natural grandfather he's their step-grandfather.

I'm probably being thick, but reading the OP I still don't quite understand the relationships involved here

Please accept my apologies, I don't mean to offend.

They are a family unit, and as such have to do things their own way, and if the boy is a happy, all-rounded individual, just enjoy him. Many grandparents have to learn to 'blend in' and not try to overrule parents - it never works well.
The old adage comes into being here - if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Just be there for them if they need backup for anything, but don't expect derisory comments to be taken without a forthright reply - and rightly so.
We have three grandchildren aged between 7-16, to one daughter, so not our direct responsibility so just look on from the sidelines, and help if asked, otherwise we butt out and let them live their lives their way. Difficult situation sometimes but they are their children, not ours.

Although he does interact with them quite a lot I must add, just that he has his limits

When I went out to meet DIL, her mum and the DGD one day, little DGD asked 'where is Grandad?', then gave a big sigh and said 'I suppose he's in the garage as usual'
(where he has a workshop)

Jings - potentially jealous as his DW is paying too much attention to her GCs. He's used to her undivided attention and expects her to agree with him.

The other problem I have with this thread is it's title, I immediately think of Mrs. Browns Grandad. Sorry if that thought is off subject.

The more I see of this thread , the more I think we are both grumpy.
Noise, tantrums, miseries, ipads they all drive us mad. When we look after our GC, our responsibility, our rules, will say things once, no second warnings etc. But they accept the rules and we have fun.

think. Not honk. I do not honk.

Can't honk why it would be down to jealousy. Daft idea that. Yes, probably an age thing. And why not? We've all got to exist.

"Light tinkly noises" from iPads can be blooming annoying. And grandad is probably thinking the boy shouldn't be on it when visiting his gran and grandad. (Got a point there. Why can't kids talk? Or play dominos. Or something?)

Why is so much being made of the "step" thing. He is married to the OP. He is simply the grandad. And probably behaves in a way many 70plus grandad's do.

He's coming up for 70. I don't think he has any preset ideas but when GS has his iPad to keep him out of DH's way he's even growled at for a light tinkling noise coming from it. Jealousy and old age I'll put it down to and continue to intervene as I had to on our own recent social occasion. It's a bit scary though thinking about the future.

MY DH loves all four of our DGC to pieces and spends time playing with them and entertaining them. I am more tolerant of 'lively behaviour' and a bit of dirt than DH is. Sometimes I feel DH reacts too vehemently and I do say to him to rein it in (discretely!). Sometimes I know he feels I tolerate stuff he would not...I feel I just deal with it differently!

In this case DH needs to be told clearly that the relationship with DD and her family is an extremely important one for you and them and it is not to be jeopardised by over zealous behaviour management or advice to a parent, when he is not a parent! He has a choice..he opts out of most contact opportunities and meets them on high days and holidays only or he keeps schtum! To be fair I think OP would need to have a word with DD to agree that before visits when Step granddad is there that children are reminded that some older people find noise and lively behaviour tricky, especially when they have not had their own, so to make extra effort to be good!

Does he have old fashioned ideas about boys being treated different from girls?
Eg A boy should be brought up to be a man.
If he was my DGS I would ask him if he wanted to visit his step GD or if he preferred time with you.
Putting people who don't get on in a room or car together does not bode well.
Is your H upset by the noise that goes with an 8yr old?
If so then this will not get better for a few years by which time your DGS will want to be off with his friends
Please don't jeopardise your relationship with your GC.

Btw not sure how old your H is,
My father suffered from dementia and lost a good few of his social graces

That's right, Jane10

I think that Lindill needs to tell her DH that she will continue to see her family as and when she wishes, she understands that 'at his age, she totally understands that young children are too much for her DH to cope with' and that it is not his place to tell the parents how to discipline the children.

However - Granny's house Granny's rules and surely something like handwashing before a meal, or not wiping his sticky hands on the furniture can be insisted on without shouting?