Grandad's upset us again

Well you'll just have to intervene every time you see him behaving like this. Tell your SiL that you will. The person whose behaviour is out of order is your DH!

You have to stop your husband who is a grown to man, bullying and shouting at your grandson.

Your SIL was in the right. Your daughter shouldnt have to smoth anything over, you need to tell him that HE needs to sort it out. That little boy should come first. He has cried that Grandad doesnt like him, thats heartbreaking. That poor lad.

For a man of his age to bully an 8-year-old is despicable. If you always have to give in to him it sounds as if he is bullying you too.

We know a family where the grandad really doesn't like one of his grandsons. He's not too keen on the other brother either. Don't think the boys notice it though.

Dis I mis the "shouting and bullying" bit?

Is the grandson present when the "row ensues"?

Oh yes. Seen the shouting and bullying bit.

Does a lot of shouting and bullying go on normally?

Does the boy still want to visit you?

He tries but I stand up to him these days. Yes - dear lad remains cheerful. Nana spoils him & cuddles him to make up for things. He still gives gramps a hug to say thank you for having me - bless him.

Aww! Bless.

I don't feel that it's mine and DH's place to tell our granddaughter off. She is a teenager now but in the past unless she was doing something dangerous or being cheeky, we wouldn't dream of it.

We have had similar posts on here before, and I think the consensus is that family come before other relationships. I think your H is out of order in the way he treats this little boy. It is bullying and especially as he is not the boy's real grandfather, he has no right to treat the poor child this way. No child should be subjected to this kind of criticism. Our 2 DGSs are 6 and 9. They are lively and noisy....what children of that age should be. We look after them a lot and do exert some discipline but never put them down.

Frankly, I would make it clear to H that he is out of order even if it involves a row.

Boys can be a handful. I know- I have five! You husband has never had kids so perhaps has different ideas of good and acceptable behaviour. I would talk to your DH and ask him not to discipline your GS but leave it to you if he ever needs it. Perhaps plan only short times with the two together so there's less opportunity for your DH to get rattled.. My parents couldn't cope with our boys en masse! I took one at a time!

If your DH is grumpy with an eight year old I dread to think what he'll be like when the lad's a teenager.

We have lots of threads on here where there is a concensus of views that it is not the grandparent's place to interfere - so DH should mind his own business. I suspect you are the one who should tell him - quite plainly.

There being a "consensus of views" on Gransnet, doesn't automatically make it right.

I suspect there is some talking to be done to and by more than one person. Doubt if it's all grandad's fault.

You don't sound as though you like your DH much, Lindill49...

I have a comfortable life and I'm resigned but he's not getting away with stuff like he used to. I bite my tongue a lot but he holds the purse strings.

Perhaps it's all too much for him, especially as he never had children of his own.

My friend's husband is step-father and step-grandad to her large brood, he loves them but disappears into his shed or greenhouse a lot of the time when they visit! And she goes off on her own to stay with them too.

I think I would arrange to see them on your own or with your DD and leave him to stew.
Don't be distraught - just make other arrangements; you can't force them to get on together.

Goodness me, just let it blow over, it will in due course, and with any luck the sun will still rise in the morning.

This isn't a one off incident PRINTMISS. The OP needs a strategy to manage the situation otherwise it'll deteriorate and she could end up having to make a very difficult choice! -Worst case scenario which I sincerely hope it won't come down to.

That's right, Jane10

I think that Lindill needs to tell her DH that she will continue to see her family as and when she wishes, she understands that 'at his age, she totally understands that young children are too much for her DH to cope with' and that it is not his place to tell the parents how to discipline the children.

However - Granny's house Granny's rules and surely something like handwashing before a meal, or not wiping his sticky hands on the furniture can be insisted on without shouting?

Does he have old fashioned ideas about boys being treated different from girls?
Eg A boy should be brought up to be a man.
If he was my DGS I would ask him if he wanted to visit his step GD or if he preferred time with you.
Putting people who don't get on in a room or car together does not bode well.
Is your H upset by the noise that goes with an 8yr old?
If so then this will not get better for a few years by which time your DGS will want to be off with his friends
Please don't jeopardise your relationship with your GC.

Btw not sure how old your H is,
My father suffered from dementia and lost a good few of his social graces

MY DH loves all four of our DGC to pieces and spends time playing with them and entertaining them. I am more tolerant of 'lively behaviour' and a bit of dirt than DH is. Sometimes I feel DH reacts too vehemently and I do say to him to rein it in (discretely!). Sometimes I know he feels I tolerate stuff he would not...I feel I just deal with it differently!

In this case DH needs to be told clearly that the relationship with DD and her family is an extremely important one for you and them and it is not to be jeopardised by over zealous behaviour management or advice to a parent, when he is not a parent! He has a choice..he opts out of most contact opportunities and meets them on high days and holidays only or he keeps schtum! To be fair I think OP would need to have a word with DD to agree that before visits when Step granddad is there that children are reminded that some older people find noise and lively behaviour tricky, especially when they have not had their own, so to make extra effort to be good!

He's coming up for 70. I don't think he has any preset ideas but when GS has his iPad to keep him out of DH's way he's even growled at for a light tinkling noise coming from it. Jealousy and old age I'll put it down to and continue to intervene as I had to on our own recent social occasion. It's a bit scary though thinking about the future.

"Light tinkly noises" from iPads can be blooming annoying. And grandad is probably thinking the boy shouldn't be on it when visiting his gran and grandad. (Got a point there. Why can't kids talk? Or play dominos. Or something?)

Why is so much being made of the "step" thing. He is married to the OP. He is simply the grandad. And probably behaves in a way many 70plus grandad's do.