What can I do to get my husband to turn the heating on?

dollyjo I want to give you a hug and then a good talking to.

When it is cold and you are cold, and he won't allow the heating on make your breakfast/lunch/dinner/tea and leave him out.

Wash your clothes but not his.

Move out of the bedroom (if you share) and take another room. Buy an electric blanket and install it on your bed without telling him.
In short, stop doing anything for him pronto.

If you have children get them involved.

This sounds like cruelty to me

If he loved you he wouldn't let you suffer like this. Do as others have suggested and withdraw all services you provide. Buy an electric blanket and a portable electric heater and move it around the house with you. If he doesn't like it then that's just too bad. You could stop using the oven and hob and tell him you are doing this to offset the cost of the electric heater. Do not let him control you, selfish, selfish man. You need to be strong for as long as it takes him to understand the situation is intolerable and you are NOT going to tolerate it any longer. Even my DH said "this guy needs a kick up the backside." Good luck.

Just to echo Linsco56, and agree... I showed this post to my partner and he was as shocked as I.

You have to take a stance on this and deal with him or he will be like this forever.

It's only one life dollyjo x

I think this is cruel. I also have diabetes and have lost weight so I'm 7st5lb and really feel the cold. You can't function if you're cold. Let alone the constant resentment of your partner. Do sort it. I like the idea of heating your private space. He is too controlling. Perhaps he's scared of something?

He is either a miser or a bully.
Cold homes cause illness,and as you get a heating allowance that indicates that you are over 60.
NHS guidelines suggest anyone over 60 with an illness should heat a room in winter to 65 degrees.
I agree with others that you should seek support from your GP.
I would also be tempted to let him read our opinions of him.

I don't have any suggestions, but I do feel for you and I actually was thinking about you when I went to bed last night.

Please let us all know how you get on.

It is really ridiculous of him! I absolutely agree with everyone that using a fan heater to keep you warm is the best solution, with some sort of electric blanket on your side of the bed.

Hopefully he will come to realise this could actually cost him more than running the central heating in the rooms you use. 65 degrees is actually not very warm, but if the thermostat is set to your normal winter temperature it will only come on when you need it anyway.

I don't think we are helping Dollyjo. She has said she does not wish to leave him, so probably loves him. Being told that he is cruel and acting illegally etc, is not what she asked or helping. Dollyjo wants advice on how to change him. It is difficult, but . as she asked, if anyone else has been in a similar position, how did they change there partner.

All of the above dollyjo and do whatever it takes as soon as possible. It sounds quite possible that this is not the only thing he is controlling but only the most noticeable to you since you have inevitably grown accustomed over the years.
Make an appointment with your doctor and meanwhile start thinking about your life and whether you do things that you would love to do or is 'himself' the only one able to go out for 5 hours? Do you have access to cash, cheque book and credit card? Do you eat things which you enjoy or is it his choice? Do you buy your own clothes, shoes etc?
As for heating, that is absolutely an essential for wellness and you must have what you need. A heating engineer would make short work of any control system and you could have one which you would find easy to operate so I wouldn't bother with a hammer just get a professional in asap.

My X husband (Notice the X), would never allow the central heating to go on until December, how ever cold it got. I had to laugh when we had a particularly cold spell in November when the boiler froze and it cost loads to repair. OH, and he also took the fuse out of the emersion heater so that we couldn't have more than one bath a week ..... :-(

Xposting with GandT

Take your point but I have never known anyone able to change their husband. He is what he is and after 30 years it is difficult to think he might change. Or is this a recent change in his behaviour which would indicate illness of some kind?

I agree with Synonymous you may not be able to change his behaviours but you can change your own. If you find you are unable to make a stand against this on your own then you should seek to involve outside help and as others have suggested, involve you GP or another health professional.

You should tell your doctor; it's disgraceful. Could you tell your husband that you will pay for the heating? I don't think you should have to though. It's difficult to stop doing the chores you do for him........I couldn't stop either with my lazy partner......I'd feel too guilty. It's our upbringing!

Sounds like a classic example of the Stockholm syndrome, which is a psychological phenomenon described in 1973 in which the hostage (wife?) expresses empathy and sympathy and even love for their captor (husband?), sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

This is indeed abuse under the law, which has recently changed. I can't see this ending well for dollyjo or her horrible husband.If dolly had been able, over the last 30 years, to do any of the things suggested she wouldn't be in this position now.

She has been very brave in writing to Gransnet and telling him. She may be able to build on this. At root, all bullying men (and women) are cowards.

I wish you all the best, dollyjo, with all my heart.

I am so sorry to hear of your predicament Dollyjo.

The thing that struck me is that you are not 'allowed' to put the heating on and he has effectively blocked you from doing so despite your obvious need and ill health.

You're a grown woman. There is no one on gods green earth that has the right to tell you what to do , in my opinion. You are quite old enough to decide what you need and want and to be frank to get it.

If you tell him you NEED to be warmer , and he doesn't 'allow' you then you really must take matters into your own hands. What will be the repercussions if you do that? And what will be the repercussions on your health if you don't?

My husband may not always agree with my choices but after 40 years he knows better than to try and allow/ permit me to do anything !!

I'm going to be blunt and say - get your big girl panties on because this man won't change unless you take matters into your own hands I fear !!

I feel very sorry for you. You have obviously been mRried to a control freak all of your married life and never stood up to him. I think you should definitely get a heating engineer to unbarricade the heating controls or better still obtain a letter from your doctor or consultant explaining that you need to be live in a warm house due to the fact that you feel the cold more than other people.

I think your husband is very controlling and obviously does not consider your feelings at all. He does not sound like a nice person at all.

I am saddened by this situation, not by your husband's behaviour, but by your acceptance of it. Just what would he do if you turned the heating on? Hit you? Walk out? If you have family or friends nearby ask them to show you how the heating works,maybe tell them that it seems to be a problem for your husband to know how to turn it on. Do you have visitors? How do they feel in your chilly home? This is mental and physical abuse, he has no business to use your heating allowance on other than heating the home. In my book, if you love someone you want them to be happy and healthy and you are obviously neither. Get in someone or a heating engineer to sort out the heating controls, buy an oil filled radiator and electric blanket and make yourself comfortable in your bedroom; short term measures, but seriously,how can he be a kind man if he allows you to beg to put the heating on and then refuses? This is cruel and rather creepy and he is a bully. If this was your daughter being treated like this by her partner, how would you feel? Would you excuse him as a kind man apart from this quirk or would you be worried that your daughter was living with a cruel manipulative man? Think on, you have only one life and to be brutal it will be shorter than it should be if you are diabetic and living in a cold house.

In the short term book a flight to somewhere very warm and stay for as long as possible. In the long term ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life in a controlling relationship. You may have got used to it but this is not the behaviour of someone who cares about you.

I agree with everyone else – this is unreasonable. Even if money is a problem. I really sympathise.

Is your husband controlling about other things? Is there a pattern of him disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings? If so, there might not be much chance of him changing his mind about the heating, IMO.

If he is just very concerned about money, asking health professionals and maybe others to write/talk to him, plus withdrawing your work in the house, might have an effect. ATM he doesn't seem to want to negotiate. Maybe he needs a motive.

Dear Dollyjo, DH and I have Teddy-Bear throws from Dunelm £9.99. We wrap up in them in the evening to watch the telly. I have two - a cream one over my legs and a blackcurrant one around my shoulders. I am so warm wrapped up in them - they are better than an electric blanket! I call it my nest

My husband is the same but I don't stand for it. I have Diabetes and take a daily aspirin which thins the blood. I have told him quite bluntly that I will NOT be cold, that I paid half the mortgage when we had one and I am not the Lodger.
As for making the controls inaccessible - words fail me.

Has the OP been back?

My GC are on INSET today.

Mine are just starting their halfterm. I think there must be many grandchildren at home today around the country.

Cold hands? Get a nice pair of sheepskin mitts and tell him you can't possibly cook wearing those.