Mum wants to be in delivery room

My DIL's mum wants to be at her delivery when Baby comes in August. I was surprised because I had obviously expected my son to be there but not his mother-in-law! It doesn't sit well with me. I think it should be private between the new mother and father. However, we're all different.
Can't you just tell her you'd rather keep the actual delivery between you and your husband but she can come in straight after? Her feelings may get a little hurt but surely she'd get over it?

That is such good news almostthere - you must be feeling relieved. I am glad that this has all been resolved amicably. Your Mum is obviously getting ready to play her proper role as a grandma and I am sure that you will be glad of her support when the time is right.

Good luck with the delivery and let us know when the little one puts in an appearance.

Great news almost there.

I believe it's completely up to the person giving birth who she wants to have there, whether partner, mother, friend, whoever.

Have the hospital tell her she can't be there. Or, if they won't, you tell her that is what the rules say. A kindly meant fib will save everyone's feelings. If she contradicts you or tries to overrule you then you will have to say calmly and kindly that you only want your partner in the room with you when you give birth.

That's great news almostthere. And your relationship with your mum is undamaged - maybe even enhanced. Well done. And all the very best for a happy and comfortable delivery.

I think Carol ne 63 has touched on another relevant issue. There are normally TWO grandmothers per new baby. Any regular readers of this site will know how easily granny no 2 (I the paternal grandmother) can feel hurt and slighted. The presence of the maternal grandmother at the birth is perhaps not the most tactful start to the granny grandchild or inter granny relationship ! Keep 'em as equal as you can from the start, don't accord too many privileges to one granny that the other doesn't have access to.
Have a lovely birth and a fab baby!

My DD actually tentatively suggested that I might be present at the birth of our first grandchild when she admitted to feeling scared and in need of having her mum with her! I declined however as I strongly feel this is a private time for the new parents only and would have felt I was intruding on such a special time for my SIL. Of course if she'd insisted I would have gone but I would have struggled seeing her in pain. As it was they had a really special trouble-free experience and I was able to see my grandson very soon after the birth. At her request my husband and I were present when they all came home from hospital so shared that special time with them before withdrawing tactfully to allow the new little family to bond in their first few days together!

Hope the situation is resolved.

Lucky you she did not want to be at the conception.

Hope all goes well.

I don't like the idea of being classed as granny number 2 because I am the MIL. I have always been there for support as soon as the babies came home. I spent a week helping out each time and then took a back seat when DIL's mother arrived to spend some time with the baby. With the best will in the world t'other mother was not really baby orientated and in face some of the things she did down right scared me.

Make sure your birthing team knows your preference!

I was there with one of my daughters but not the other, husbands were both present as well.I would never ask,just wait to be asked. I think you should kindly say mum I would like it to just be me and ???? but I'd love you to be outside the delivery room so you can come in as soon as baby had arrived, if it's a long labour your partner may also be grateful of a break and some fresh air and a cuppa then your mum could stand in for him temporarily.Be honest with her as you have a lovely relationship you wouldn't want to jeopardise it. Good luck

My mother was a midwife but, unless it was an emergency and no one else was available, I wouldn't have wanted her there at the delivery. No way!!

Tell your mum the truth! You are now an adult , and if your mum is anything like me, she will want you to be happy. My daughter asked me to be there for both her babies, but I made double and treble sure that it was not just out of kindness, and that her partner was happy too. But she really wanted me there, and they were the most amazing experiences of my life.

Traditionally birthing has been 'women's' business, so in that respect I don't suppose it's too surprising that a woman may want her mother at the birth. I have been birth partners to a Romanian woman and a Chinese woman, both were my language students and felt they needed a friendly female presence - the husband of one was absent and the other welcomed me being there.

almostthere - so glad all is well and now you can relax.

When I gave birth 36 years ago it was definitely fathers only. After a longish labour they decided to use forceps and asked my DH to leave. I didn't want him to go and so he just stayed. They kept saying he should really leave now but he just stayed, for which I am so grateful as that was the time I needed most support. I would never dream of asking my DD or DiL if I could be there, it is a very private and special time for you both. Plus, the thought of an audience fills me with horror.

i think I would have been mortified to have my mother at the birth of my children! And as a Mum, I would not dream of asking my daughters to be at their side when they give birth. One of my daughters had a baby on her own 6 years ago, but her sister and a friend were there. She said she hoped I wouldn't be offended if she didn't ask for me, but i told her i was relieved! i would have been there if she had really wanted it of course, but glad to be let off! I would have been no help at all, worrying about her!

When my daughters and daughterIL had their births, extras bodies was never discussed, I think I sort of knew each couple wanted to experience that magical experience together.

I had three out of four births on my own, and frankly I was happy for that situation, ---to me it felt right.

DS-- longtime ago you had a choice- first hubby screamish so discussed prior to labour and absolutely not for him, He was automatically gowned n masked up (Oxford Radcliffe) and when I saw him I said 'what are you doing here' I think they thought they had bought the wrong hubby in!! He was very happy to leave, he probably would have fainted if he had been present.

First TwinD --- 2nd hubby present --second one he was not allowed to stay! Not a pleasant labour for me but I still preferred to be on my own.

Sadly the first and stronger twinD died of SIDS 8 weeks later.

Last one-- DD, a week away from expected date it was DH aunts funeral, I said go to support your widowed mum, he left Sunday night to travel 3/4 hour journey. Early next morning I went into labour! and DD born before lunch! He did not see her until the end of the day.

So DH never saw his two surviving daughters born, but for me personally it is a very private thing, so I believe it is not a 'spectator sport'.

I wonder if there are other mums like me ---happy to labour on my own, and Dads who do not wish to be present either?

For me my mother would have been an absolute nightmare. She was incredibly embarrased by such bodily functions.
Todays mums are a different generation.

My second GD is due next month. My daughter has told me that it will be just her and my SIL for the birth this time. I may be needed to babysit my DGD. I confess I felt a little disappointed but I respect their wishes and I completely understand. I was surprised and delighted to be asked to be present at my first GD's birth but it was quite a tiring and worrying experience, particularly when I was shown into a room to sit by myself whilst DD underwent an emergency C-section. It was then that it really hit home how scary it was and I had a few tears. I think I will feel very distracted on the day that my new GD comes into the world, wondering how it is all going.

I have to say that I think it is rather harsh to take the attitude that the maternal grandmother should not be there at the birth if her daughter wants her to be there. Why is this deemed so unnatural? Hasn't mum always (in most cases, I hope!) been there for her daughter's first experiences, especially when it is something that causes apprehension, even fear? Hubby/Partner is very important, of course, but it's mum who has been there, done that!

I was at the birth of both of my DGSs. Both DD and SiL wanted me there. I was thrilled to be asked but the novelty wore off very quickly .

I agree with Nellie. If there was one person who would have made me nervous, it would have been my mother! I don't have a daughter but my DiLs' mothers never showed any inclination to be present when they gave birth, nor did the girls want anyone but my DSs to be there.

I would add that in the cases of all 5 GC, I was the first GM to have a cuddle, largely because I happened to be on the spot at the time. I don't think the maternal GMs ever showed even a smidgen of envy.

I would not have dreampt of asking to be present but I did ask my SiL to keep me informed by text! I arrived at the hospital as doon as allowed - a few hours after the birth.
I think a lot of the mums are there on One Born when its a single or very young mum, if partner is not available (one was in prison and one in the army as I recall). I watched it a lot prior to me daughters labour and scared myself to death!
My husband was also sent away when my forst baby had a forceps delivery!

almostthere - you are right that this is a private occasion between you and your partner. There are 3 questions here:

1. Why does your mother need to be there?
2. Do you need your mother to be there (it appears not)?
3. What does your partner think about her being there?

You say you are worried about hurting her feelings. I hope I am not hurting your or any other contributor's feelings when I suggest that she is lonely and/or that she has been unable to accept that you are a separate, independent person who is entitled to have an intimate relationship with someone other than her.

I read a family therapist's article about this recently. Some mothers cannot separate from their children even if they themselves are married and working - they are not necessarily elderly or vulnerable woemn living on their own.

This is an ideal opportunity to let her know that this is a very intimate point in your relationship with your partner and that you would like to share it with only your partner.

If she cannot respect that, you will have real problems in the future.

Well said Ramblingrose. It is a private thing for the couple, unless they expressly wish anyone else to be there. I would just explain. She has had her experience of birth. I think it very unfair to even ask. I have a very close relationship with my mother but I wouldn't have wanted her at the birth.