Like mother like daughter??

Canarygirl1 you don't sound self pitying at all and I don't imagine for one moment you're a horrible person. I'm glad you read this thread and realised you are not alone in not having a loving relationship with your mother. I hope you can start to move on from this moment with your life with a less heavy heart. You've thought of yourself in this way for a very long time, so you might need to get help with learning to think of yourself in a different way.

kadeks

Kittylester explained it well when she compared these mothers to abusive and controlling men who it is very difficult to break away from. I feel so sad how there are controlling and blighting you life

In not one of your posts have you mentioned that this tyrant looked after their own parent. So you are not likely to be like them.

My mum looked after her mother. She always said that my Nan treated her dreadfully and favoured my uncle. I have no way of knowing really as my Mum was a terrible manipulator of the facts. She would also have been conscious of how it would have looked to any onlookers if she hadn't done the right thing.

Having written the above paragraph, I am sad that apart from the fact that I was never good enough for my mother, I have no idea whether anything she told me is the truth. I can't express quite how odd that feels.

But, we are jolly lucky to have GN on which to express these feelings and to share our fears of following the pattern. The more we talk about it, the less likely we are to make the same mistakes.

I'm a little like my mother or so people say. But more like my dad, he annoyed the hell out of me. They were people of their time and products of their upbringing. As I get older I become more tolerant of their failings but it's too late now, their both dead. I do understand those of you who had mothers that were manipulative because I have a mother in law like that. Her poor daughter is wracked with guilt and yet has been a much better daughter than I ever was. Reading your posts has made me think about my relationship with my children. I hope they don't ever feel as if I'm a burden. The thing is life may have a lot more to throw at me/us. Who knows how
I/ we will react to it. What affect that could have on me/ us as a
person/ people and our mental health. Just keeping my fingers crossed that in 40 years time I've left my lot with positive memories of me.

Reading these posts, I do feel so very sorry for people who have grown up having to navigate a difficult M/D relationship.

My mother was a lovely person - without exaggeration, the kindest you could meet. She lived for her family and was a great nanny too. She didn't have an easy time with my father, even though they were married for 56 years and she had mental health problems which meant she was ill /absent from my life from when I was 11-21. It was only as my own children grew older and particularly as my relationship with DD1 developed over her teen years that I realised I had missed out on a closeness with my DM that I have always enjoyed with my DD. However, in later years I feel we did draw close.

My mum was not at all manipulative -I grew up with the confidence that unconditional love brings. However, my (ex) MIL was a very manipulative person and caused her sons and DD and DILs a great deal of misery through imposed guilt and obligation. I take pains to assure my children that they mustn't feel obligated over anything. I take the view that they are responsible for their own lives and I am responsible for mine. Of course I love to see them, but I would never want them to feel obliged to visit or, in time look after me. I hope - I think - they turn up because they want to!

Although my mother was often a total and complete nightmare to cope with I think it's only fair to say that we did have many happy times together but these times were always tempered by the anxiety that she would suddenly turn on me and become critical and unkind.

I am an only child and have often longed for brothers and sisters, even more so now that I'm older.

I remember so well being at mum's bedside in various hospital situations and feeling very envious of elderly patients with two daughters sitting at their bedside. It always seemed to be two daughters for some reason.

I know that brothers and sisters aren't always very supportive towards each other but all the same .....

The best thing about mum when she had the dementia was when she didn't know who I was but said "You seem like a very nice person."

That meant the world to me after a lifetime of being criticised in every way possible and made to feel inadequate.

First we love our parents. Then we judge them. Then we forgive them. Clearly some parents don't deserve the last one!

I feel very sad, reading some of the dreadful experiences shared here.

I wonder if a mother's 'failure' to parent adequately is still considered more shocking than a father's?

I think it is [Parsleywin].

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My mother has some ways I was eager to copy and others that I have tried consciously to avoid. Sometimes, I find myself thinking/feeling/acting in a way she did that I disliked. But then I try to catch myself and remember how that looked to me when I was a young daughter/wife/mother. As long as you're aware of what you don't want to do, I think you'll be ok.

I must admit, this worries me:

"I am an only child and have often longed for brothers and sisters, even more so now that I'm older. "

While I'm sorry you miss having siblings, I hope it doesn't mean you are already becoming emotionally needy. Or if so, that you'll find other ways of coping besides turning to your adult kids. Not that you can't reach out to them, sometimes. But I trust you have a network of friends, etc. to socialize w/ and hobbies and/or a likable job that keep you occupied and mentally stimulated, as well. I also hope you're aware of avenues to help in your area (home visitors/health aides or whatever you might need, later on), so that you don't necessarily have to lean on your sons/daughters, even if you become sickly in your old age (hope you don't, of course!).

Thanks for the advice Wendysue but I'm well into this. I have a network of friends, go to lots of activities and am generally coping well at the moment.

I have also downsized to a manageable flat, have done internet shopping for groceries when I had the flu and live near a handy corner shop, so I've "covered most bases."

Guess I'll have to leave the rest to whatever life brings along.

I find it upsetting that so many people have not got on with their mothers or have felt unloved/unwanted etc. I am very lucky as my mother was lovely (so was my father - I had a very happy childhood.). I was a 'late extra' and must have limited my mum's freedom just as my brothers were growing up, but I was never aware of this as a child. Mind you I was a girl after two boys. Anyway I just wish I could be as good a mother and grandmother as she was. However she used to tell me that her mother was wonderful and she was not as good as her. When I told my daughter this once she commented (jokingly) that each generation in the family has obviously deteriorated! I very sad for all those who didn't and don't have a loving relationship with their mothers.
My mother died at 74 (I'm 72 now!) so didn't have time to get senile and difficult I suppose. I still miss her even though she died over 30 years ago.

How lucky are those who had a mother they could love.

I agree Anya.

I was indeed very very lucky. My mother was always an inspiration, loved by all my friends as the only parent in the 60s with an open door and always interesting discussions around the table- putting the world to rights, and always with an open mind and heart to the world- very internationa in her outlook. She was very beautiful and always looked amazing, simple but always well-cut clothes, trousers mostly. And she was very loving too. So I was truly lucky and realise it now more than ever.

There was little love between my sil and my mil- described by many of you here, right to the bitter end. She always favoured the boys, and she was asked to leave school at 16 instead of going to Art College- to help in the tailoring shop- whilst the boys went on to study, one medicine and the other to become a physics and PE teacher. She was very resentful- and I am not surprised. She adored and admired my mum.

I meant- sil was asked (told!) to leave school ...