Should I talk to DD about her weight or just keep schtum ?

Is it more difficult to speak to people if you see them as being over weight, as opposed to underweight? My height makes me look slimmer than I am even now when I'm on the upper edge of the "normal" lines. Last year a man in our friendship group greeted me with "oh you're too thin". I was livid but bit my tongue and just told him, no I'm not.
I was a skinny teenager despite eating huge amounts and could relate any number of incidents when people, often men in the street felt they had the right to comment. A group of men shouted after me that I looked ilke a Biafran horror and numerous aunties told me I should eat more pies. Within my family, I have never known anyone speak to other family members who are, frankly, obese and causing various health problems.

Katek How can concern for your health be interpreted as rejection? It's exactly the opposite.....we care so much that we don't want our children to suffer any unecessary health issues

Because our relationship with food is not simply a health issue, it's an emotional issue too, most obviously manifested by eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.
Many (not all) overweight people struggle with the emotional aspects of overeating and that's why anyone, whether a parent or not, should be very wary of introducing a subject when doing so may be interpreted as criticism.
Obviously if advice is asked for, that's different.

Isn't this a tricky subject. As a teenager my daughter was lovely and slim. She started going out with a chap who just wanted to stay in, watch tv and eat snacks. They used to go to Tesco and come back with an array of crisps, chocolate etc. He was tall and skinny and this snacking made no difference. However, my daughter gradually got bigger and bigger. She is now 36 and and would be classed as obese , she is at her biggest now. Over the years she has dieted, joined a.gym etc. Only to give it all up. The trouble is, and I think it's the same for a lot of people, she wants a quick fix. The gym lasts maybe a month, it's boring apparently, the diet the same. Do I mention this to her ? I do not she would go 'mental ' and tell me that I've hurt her feelings etc. She us 36 years old so is well aware of the risks involved . I'd keep out of it, if she mentions the subject then by all means discuss it .

What I don't understand is what the Mums like rubylady and jings who think it's ok to raise the subject uninvited think it will achieve. What effect do you think it will have by saying something?

Iam I think you are right about people thinking it's OK to tell someone they're too thin and I'm sure it gets on their nerves. I wonder if it's always been like that though or is it more common since we found out about anorexia?

Suzied Obviously you know your daughter best, so it's up to you to do what you think best by her.

Anya I have enough friends on here, and just was giving my perosnal opinion, like everyone else. I don't need to be put down by you or anyone, thank you.

Now I am poorly at the moment, so I am leaving this thread as I have said what I would have done.

I will leave it in the capable hands of other GNers.

No, it is not new. When my mother first went out with my (then very slim) father in the 1930s, her mother commented - "He's not long for this world!"

rubylady sorry to hear that you're not well, but please don't leave this thread. I want to know what you think.

Elegran oh dear!

WilmaKnickerfit I was just giving my personal opinion, like everyne else. So was Jing. Why challenge us giving our opinion? It's a forum and I can speak my mind just like anyone else. I really don't get it.

I'm not challenging you, not at all. I would just like to know what effect you bringing up the subject you think it will have. Honestly, it's a genuine question.

WilmaKnickersfit I just think that if my child was drinking too much or taking drugs or being affected by being around the wrong type of people, gambling, anything which puts their lives in danger then I would say something. And being overweight is no different. It is putting your life in danger.

Yes, of course they are adults and make their own decisions, but if that decision is endangering their life and that of their own children and partner by maybe taking them too soon from this life, then I will say something. If something did happen and I hadn't said anything, then what then? If it comes from the right place of concern and the child can hear that in your voice, then I don't think there would be the problems people are saying. The right time and place would have to be found but it can be done and if a parent is so worried, then it should be done, in my opinion.

Turn it on it's head, my son has said to me that I need to lose weight, to excercise more and to get healthier. He didn't say it in a nasty way, he was genuinly concerned that I am not as healthy as I should be and he is right, hence me joining Slimming World. It has encouraged me to go, him saying what he did. And we have some right old fights but I do know that when he said that that he was genuinely bothered, especially seeing as he is leaving this year for uni and he doesn't want to leave me in the bad health that I am in because he would only worry all the time that I was ok. I know it was said with love and care. He is an adult now, just the same.

Like I said, we all know our own, so it's up to the individual. Now I'm off to get better, hopefully.

Sometimes things can be overthought. That's all - now off shopping

But Ruby being overweight doesn't 'put your life in danger', not in the way that drinking two bottles of vodka a day, or smoking 60 cigarettes does.
It increases your risk of certain conditions by a very small amount.
That is all.
Not worth being miserable about, or making someone else miserable.
Yes iam I am subjected to the 'you've lost weight, haven't you' in an accusing tone, from people who have no business commenting on my weight, health or anything else about me.

rubylady I have thought all along that your son is actually worried about you. He may not put it too sensitively, but it's definitely there.

I think it's good that as we get older, our children start helping us too.

rubylady thanks for your reply, I do appreciate it. I know it's not up for discussion, but I just wanted to say I think where we differ is including being overweight in with the other examples you gave. Like jane I don't think it's in the same category as those things which put your life in danger. As you say, we all know our own.

jing being a support to each other is one of the best things between a Mum and daughter, not just when you're getting older, but from when as a daughter you start to appreciate your Mum. Hope that makes sense.

wilma as I recall the OP described her dd as "obese*, not merely overweight. She's not carrying a couple of extra pounds, by the sounds of it. Perhaps the OP could clarify?

As far as I'm aware, and I'm by no means the expert, obviously, but being significantly overweight DOES put you at risk of developing certain diseases. I'm overweight myself, possibly by as much as a stone], and I struggle daily with clothes not fitting right, knees creaking and generally feeling less fit than I should be.

OP your dd is a young woman now. Think ten, twenty years down the line. That extra weight will have placed stress on her joints and she may be carrying unwanted fat round her internal organs.

She's probably aware of the dangers, even if they are exaggerated. And, yes, it's up to her to do something about it. But I don't believe you are doing her any favours by ignoring the issue, or pretending it's all ok, when it isn't.

Jing Thank you for saying that, it means a lot for you to understand where I have been coming from these last couple of years with him. But you are right, he does worry a lot about me. When I said to him that I was feeling dizzy the other day, he said that he wont wear his headphones in his bedroom so that he can hear me if I need him or if I fall over.

I do therefore owe it to him to lose some weight before he leaves for university. I don't want him fretting miles away. He will have enough trouble leaving home as he is a real home bird. So for him to worry over my health and if I am getting out, lying on the floor, getting upstairs or even managing to walk around the house is awful for me to comprehend and he doesn't deserve it when he should be excited at starting a new chapter in his life. He has had a lot of worry over my health and if losing some wieght helps to get it better a bit (it will never be right) then that is what I owe him.

You may not all think it is dangerous to be overweight, it depends on what you call dangerous. In my case, it is. I am now 17 stone and cannot breathe around the house. I need to take control. I have had problems being able to go out with my son, to enjoy life in any shape or form and I am at risk of many health conditions due to carrying extra weight. Many conditions can be avoided by keeping control of weight. I consider it a problem and so does the Government, as they are fighting the huge problem of childhood obesity in this country. If it didn't matter, they wouldn't bother. Why is weight such a taboo subject? Such a negative thing to talk about? We all weigh something. We just need to keep an eye on it to make sure that we don't develop problems we can avoid. I am only 51, I don't know how old this lady is, but probably not much different? We have to invest our time into our health at this age so that we can have old age. I want to be cantankerous, stroppy and wear purple! () To do that, I have to look after myself. As should everyone, because we are all worth it.

rubylady, good luck in your efforts to look after yourself. it's something so many of us women have not prioritised as we put ourselves low down on the list of people we "look after".
I suspect many of us can empathise with the stress that sometimes crops up between you and your son. It's partly his age of course but also, there is an intensity in the mum/son/or daughter relationship when they're the only people sharing the home. It does (usually) get easier.
I hope his exams go well and that you manage to find some positive things to do to help with your health.

A family therapist once said to me it is hard for children to leave home when relationships are all good and everything is going smoothly. It is easier,especially for lads, to leave when they have caused a bit of a stir. Our lads have been a mixture! Just remember this rubylady if the going gets tough!!

On the other hand, I wish that someone had said to me "have you seen the size of your backside!" Seriously though, we can't see what's "behind" us and we always imagine that we are thinner than we are, it's just our clothes that are shrinking.

Thanks Iam64 and mumofmadboys I really do appreciate your support. I will tell him Iam64 that you wish him well for his exams. I have been looking at his choice of universities and for accomodation for me to stay sometime next Spring but he gave a huge sigh! He can't get rid of me that easy, lol.

I agree Maggieanne I think I have body dysmorphia, but reversed. I think I'm a size 10 when in fact I am a size 20! Ah well, never mind.

I'm not sure he'd appreciate being talked about on a forum ruby - it's great for us to get support from each other but I suspect our children, whatever their ages, may not like it so much.

Weight is indeed a taboo subject. Seriously though Ruby how would you feel if I said that at 17 stone, you are very overweight and endangering your health?

You might accept that

But if I started probing as to why you'd let yourself get to that state, them I think you might feel defensive. Perhaps.

Anya I've "got myself in that state" because I have a lover who likes to have squashing sex. Have you heard of it? It's very exciting. I can go into details if you really want.