Should I talk to DD about her weight or just keep schtum ?

I cannot imagine why anyone would not talk to a daughter about any problems they may have? Are family relationships really that fragile these days.

I agree with all the posters who say, praise her when she looks good, but say nothing about weight issues.She is an adult and knows full well that she is overweight.When she feels ready, she will diet herself, or become more active.

I would definitely mention her weight issue but in a general chatty sort of way suggesting that it's much harder to stay slim these days due to our modern lifestyle. There's no harm in dropping hints. She probably knows she is larger than she should be and it's no good ignoring the fact if you are concerned about her health.

If confrontation occurs, so be it. You must be concerned or you wouldn't have posted on here. You won't make her feel worthless or under valued if you handle it sensitively.

One of my daughters has been overweight for years. She eats healthily, drinks in moderation and has an active job. Her younger sister has always been slim despite eating and drinking whatever she likes.

Doesn't seem fair does it?

I think she's likely to be pretty sensitive about her weight already, and if it were me, I'd resent my Mum saying anything, however tactfully it was said.

It might not seem reasonable to you, but I think by dropping hints, she'll feel "got at" and annoyed by your comments, and it won't help to sort the problem at all. In fact it will make things worse for her. If you've never had the problem, it's so difficult to understand - people think, well just eat less, it's easy!

It really is all in the mind, and hopefully she'll do it when she's ready. If you could possibly arrange a group of family and friends who all go to a fun dance class each week, such as ceroc, as a social thing together, that might help her.

I'm surprised that so many people feel it's not on to talk about weight.
How can weight be a taboo subject, it's all over the media, tv etc all the time but especially at this time of year. My daughter's talk about their weight openly. One of them had gestational diabetes, despite not being over weight. This prompted all kinds of discussions about what we eat. I confess to having been unaware that carbs turn to sugar - I felt ashamed to have got to this grand age without knowing that.
I know weight is a sensitive issue. Suzied, I agree with your feeling that as her mum you want to support her. Have you talked with her about how she's feeling generally? Finding a good time and place to try and get a proper conversation going about how she's feeling, what she's enjoying/not enjoying in life, how her work/family/friendships etc are going may lead on to her feeling able to confide in you. It's a worry for you isn't it - adult daughters can be an absolute joy and a real source of anxiety

Actually I disagree with the posters suggesting you broach the subject by talking about your own healthy eating plans, health concerns (unless you've had a scare). Trust me, she will see right through that. If you make a 'healthy' recipe for her when she visits, make sure she doesn't find out you haven't had it before. Again, she'll see right through that too.

I like the idea of doing something healthy together as mother and daughter. That would create the perfect opportunity for her to raise the subject. Your response should include the offer to help and support her in any way you can. You might not like some of the things she thinks will help her, but that's the risk you take. Saying no, could be a set back.

For example, she might say she'd love to try the Lighter Life Programme as a way to lose weight,but she can't afford it. Assuming you could afford to help, how would you feel about supporting her lose weight that way? I'm pretty sure my Mum wouldn't agree because she wouldn't approve of the Lighter Life approach. This is just an example, it could be anything.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do, just don't let it fester and say something at the wrong moment!

PS Iam all carbohydrates are sugars. In simple terms, from a weight loss point of view, if you eat too many carbs, the excess will be converted into fat. So if you eat less carbs than you need, you will lose fat. If you are diabetic, as all carbs are sugars, carbs affect your blood sugar levels. What we call sugar has no nutritional value at all.

MY DD1 lost 7 1/2 stone at ww , and has kept it off , but it wasn't me saying anything , I was knotted with anxiety but she decided by herself and lost 2 stone before she told me what she was doing . I am glad I didn't say anything

I wouldn't say anything. As others have said it comes from within and you saying something means you are looking at her in a judgemental, negative way. Or that is how she might see it. Even if she also knows it's because you are concerned and love her. I am sure she will sort it out when she feels ready. It's not often about food but other problems. Stress, being tired etc.

My daughters' weights go up and down. costa coffees don't help!

I'm another who wouldn't say anything.
I work on the principle that I don't say things to my grown up children that I wouldn't say to my friends.
I wouldn't dream of commenting on my friends' weight, far less of asking them whether they were happy with their weight.
I do worry about my DCs just as others do, but nagging or interfering isn't conducive to a harmonious relationship, IMHO.
I wait patiently for them to broach the subject!

But don't you think you have more responsibility for the health of your own child? Evenfor the sake of your grandchildren if nothing else? I can understand you not broaching the subject with a friend, but not with your own daughter. Obviously you'd have to do it sensitively.

No Jingl, I'm not responsible for my DCs acts, omissions, health or anything else, they are adults and have been for some time.
Are the parents of alcoholics or drug addicts responsible for their condition? Of course not.
Being concerned for someone else's health is very different from being responsible for it.
At one stage, when DD was in that no mans land between childhood and adulthood, she was smoking and drinking.
I confined my intervention to leaving some leaflets lying around the house, explaining that when people smoke and drink, their risk of getting mouth cancer increases many-fold, and that in recent years the incidence of mouth cancer in young people has increased alarmingly.

As regards the OP, I think the health risks of obesity are exaggerated anyway, it's all part of the new Puritanism and blaming other people for using NHS resources etc.
It's far more of a problem for individuals if their being overweight is part of a problem they have with their own body image, and that's why I think the OP should tread carefully.

I disagree with you. Very strongly. About the whole of that post!

suzied If you were overweight yourself, you could start a healthier eating/exercise plan, which might encourage your daughter to consider doing the same. But as you say you are quite slim, I don't think there is much you can do as I don't think it would be wise to broach the subject with her. There's a possibility that it would stress her and either make her comfort eat, or worse.

You say your husband is overweight. Is he concerned about it or concerned about your daughter's weight? Would he be prepared to alter his lifestyle to try and lose some weight? If so, it may give your daughter the impetus to do the same.

janea I tend to agree with you that there is a new smug sort of "puritanism" that has developed in recent years, and also that possibly the health risks associated with being moderately overweight are exaggerated. But I do think that obesity can negatively affect a person's self-image and confidence. It must be pretty miserable trying to find clothes that fit properly but which are still flattering. I'm only a bit overweight but I find clothes shopping quite a challenge and sometimes depressing. And carrying more weight tends to lead to lower energy levels and a disinclination to walk/take exercise - creating a vicious circle..

eloethan yes I agree about being overweight possibly affecting someone's self image and self esteem, which makes it all the more difficult for anyone else to broach the subject.
I think the basis of changing anyone's behaviour, including their relationship with food, is demonstrating the benefits of change.
Messages about reducing your risk of this and that, or not being a burden in the NHS don't hit the spot in my view.
Not having to physically carry 5 or 6 kilos around with you all the time, the equivalent of several bags of grocery shopping, and being able to wear nice clothes, were what motivated me.
jingl we will have to agree to differ.
I would never blame a parent for their adult child's difficulties though.

jings what's the difference between the mother/daughter issue on this thread and the mother/daughter issue other thread where is the daughter's mental health the mother is worried about? Both daughters are adults, not children.

A number of slim grans have mentioned overweight children that have grown into overweight adults. Would that come into conversation. Why if you are slim didn't you act when your child was overweight.

Stress. How about encouraging an exercise class to cope with stress as a way in. Zumba is fun, or Pilates is a good start for someone who is unfit.

Lots of ideas on TV. Alcohol free days to cut down calories. Reduction in sugar intake. Walk!

But if you are slim do not mention her being overweight.

I'm sorry, but I agree with Jingle. Surely our children should know us well enough to know that the concern comes from a place of love, not criticism.

They are not our 'children' any more. They are grown adults.

Both my daughter and DIL have put on about 4 stone in a couple of years. I daren't say anything. DIL jokes about being fat. My daughter talks about joining a gym and is "thinking" about going back to Slimming World. She lost 4 stone for her wedding and just piled it on again. It upsets me that our four year old granddaughter is chubby. She seems to be given whatever treats she asks for, and cries when we say no. My hubby has brought up the subject of our granddaughter being a bit chubby. Our daughter said we were to stop giving her treats! Yet she arrives at our house every day eating sweets. Ahhhh what to do? Thank you for raising the issue.

id she's anything like my son , whose very obese, she'd igneore it anyway. People will only lose weight when they want to

Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight? I can't see the need for you to point it out to her. I was overweight, well, still am a bit but not so much, and my skinny mother was always mentioning it. I felt it was all she saw in me. Who now has osteoporosis? She's obviously intelligent and aware of health risks. She will address this if and when she is able. For me it was when I retired from my demanding but enjoyable job and had more opportunity to excercise. Do you live nearby? Perhaps you could ask her to go to an exercise class with you.

I have been up and down with my weight all my life and only came to understand the reasons for this fluctuation in the last few years. Help came first in the form of a book a nurse friend lent me called "Optimum nutrition for the mind" by Patrick Holford.Among a lot of other excellent information about nutrition, it pointed out how yo yo folk like me eat things which actually trigger the need for even more sweet and fattening foods.

Around that time I was told by my doctor to lose weight as I was developing high blood pressure and was pre-diabetic.

Since combining a change of diet with a bit more exercise, I find I am calmer and less inclined to "dive into the biscuit tin" as one writer put it here. I still have the nice stuff occasionally, but it's eaten with care. I will never be Twiggy, but am a lot happier with my body.

It's a diplomatic minefield advising friends. and even more so advising older daughters ( I have two in their 30s) but I have always been grateful to my friend for lending me that book.

I don't know if we are allowed to recommend books here so if we aren't. I apologise. It was just a thought. Good luck.

Have I missed something here? Is there some point in time when you are suppsed to stop feeling concern for your kids?

Obviously they are not 'children' agewise, but they're still our offspring.

Mothers have gone on guiding grownups daughters since time immemorial. Out of love really.

Anyway, suit yerselves. I have no such concerns. Mine are just right.

And that last sentence is intended to get right up anya's nose.