So confused and Angry

OP I wish you would say our baby our child. My makes you sound as though your DH has no input.
Apart from the original input.

Thanks rose and tigger I must be in a brave mood today but thought I would not be alone. Many on here have had problems with 'difficult' to put it politely DiLs.

^Crafting when my son is an adult and a grown man with a family of his own, i couldnt imagine imposing myself on him and his family when they didnt want or need me there. Hopefully i will lead a very full life and my kids as adults will add to my happiness, not be my happiness.

I also hope that i have the decency to respect my son and future dil's space and privacy and not desrespect or undermine them and i certainly hope that i have a good relationship with my dil......one that she wants.

One thing is for sure, i will accept...graciously how they want me in their life and how much they want to include me afterall it is their life and their children, not mine.

But you shoukd understand is that cutting my husbands parents off is not an easy decision and not something that has happened overnight. We are talking 10 years of passive aggressiveness, boundary stomping and backstabbing.... Of us....all because they dont get their own way.^

This is all so easy to say now! I don't think this person is going to be at all tolerant of her DiL.

I think the accusation of 'passive aggressive' is often used to attach those who are pleasant and reasonable and don't rise to the bait.

By the way Nonnie, a very brave post but rather you than me!

I was thinking about this. Maybe, as the OP liveS in another country, they could be just wanting a little trip abroad, without having to pay hotel bills. Which would be quite reasonable. They know the OP and her DH are teachers, so it doesn't sound as though they expect, or want, to see much of them.

I wonder what country they live in.

Do you think they want to come out in term time because it is cheaper? Travel costs especially flying are outrageous in school holiday time.

For seven days, bite the bullet. When you come home, get them to bath and put GS to bed.

LP66 On hearing your FILs comments about not being told when he could visit your city, a wide smile and, 'Of course; where will you be staying? ' is the way to go... It's your choice who stays at your home - and when - but your ILs can visit your city anytime they like - they just won't see your family...

You have my sympathy LP66. I wouldn't have been able to put up with such rude people staying in my home for one night, never mind a week.
Of course your in-laws don't need your permission to visit the city where you live. They do, however, need permission to stay in your house rent free and I do feel this should be pointed out to them. You could say next time, 'yes of course you are free to come to our city any time you wish, but we have no available rooms during term-time, so I'll email you a list of nearby hotels.'
Good luck, hope you don't grind your teeth down too much with all the gritting you'll have to do .

And I am not unknowledgeable about situations like this btw.

Nonnie Thank goodness it is not just me who feels some suspicion and, if it is true, that there must be two sides to the story.

I am sorry but I am going against the trend. The OP reminds me of a very nasty one back in the summer which, when questioned more closely didn't ring true. She then had the whole lot deleted!

What do the inlaws do at home, not cook, not clean? I doubt it but perhaps the OP hasn't been to their home. I suspect they are so frightened of her and walking on eggshells all the time that they are frightened to do anything to help.

I also wonder why a couple who work the long hours she claims bothered to have a baby they never see. I am not aware of any nurseries that are open after 6 pm but there may be some. Presumably they wake the baby up, take him to nursery, collect him and put him to bed. Maybe that is why she is so possessive?

No, to me this sounds like a controlling person who does not want her DH to have much of a relationship with his parents who are prepared to fly over for just a week to see their family. I think you are making yourself a 'victim' LP66.

I could be wrong but I have seen this sort of behaviour before and we are only hearing one side of this.

Totally agree with you.

Feel for you LP66. How rude to invite themselves at a time that doesn't suit the hosts. I'm with whoever said buy in ready meals and leave the house work. Smile a lot and moan to your friends at work. If you and your husband are in agreement that's what counts.

Luckylegs thank you for your comment. Thanks to all of you.

Maybe i am bitter, but after so many years of negative treatment from them and a lot of effort from me, how could i not be?? And believe me i try.....

Yes their son was and still is their child, but my baby is not, my baby has his parents and they are relatives, who could have a really lovely relationship with my son if they werent so disrespectful and disregarded our boundaries. I never said they were bad parents or did a bad job with their son, but it would be nice if the acknowledged that he is a grown man and independent instead of disrespecting our privacy and being condescending. i have never made my husband choose, nor would i, and i know that they are his parents hence the predicament, because if these people were friends or distant relatives the situation would be a no brainer

I don't see how you can cope if you are both teachers. People don't seem to have taken that aspect on board. When I was teaching I was in school at 7.30am and every evening was work + one day at the weekend.
I couldn't possibly entertain visitors in term time unless they were completely self sufficient.
Laughing at Wilma's idea that they take time off work!! Even children can't get time off these days.
Most teachers will be in school some time over half term.

I don't know you Littlepig66, but you are full of resentment with your in laws, which must make any visit impossible. You keep saying your baby us not theirs to pick up etc. Their son, was their baby once, now fully grown and independent as yours will be one day. I know it's not easy having two people to stay, but two weeks will soon pass, I would find anyone in my space for longer than that intrusive too and wouldn't exoect it of anyone. You love their son, they helped shape him into the man he is now, as you do with yours now, he is in a very difficult place, his wife comes first, but they are his parents.

LP66 at least you've had a good rant. Even though she's not nice to your face, I'll bet your Mil brags about you!

When do they arrive? You can always come on here to let off steam . Fingers crossed it goes well and sending {{{HUGS}}} to keep you going.

I think just to keep the peace im going to have to grit my teeth and keep smiling, and be pleasant and welcoming- same thing ive done for the past 10 years......maybe this year it will work!

Ana i dont need a lots of opinions or advice, what you ladies have given me has been more than enough, i just wasnt able to respond fast enough.....Sorry!!

We do Skype and send pictures, so not sure we can do more there.....they dont cook or clean and normally take us to lunch one of the days at the weekend, which we are always very grateful for. Last time they were here they took themselves off for dinner and came back at 11pm to open a bottle of wine and sit and watch tv loudly when the babies room is next door! Its like all common courtesy is forgotten when they are here.

I am a primary school teacher and my husband is a secondary school teacher.

They have 2 other children, one older and one younger than my dh- they have always acted like they have authority over my husband and seem to only behave this way with us. My husbands father has always had a bad attitude, but my mil didnt start until we were getting married.

I understand gp want lots of cuddles etc, but my baby isnt hers amd while he is a relative of hers, she has no ownership, rights or entitlement to my child or future children and while she was here i let her have cuddles with him.....lots! In fact i offered him to her everytime he wasnt attached to my boob! I also gave het lots of opportunities to change nappies, help bath him etc and she didnt want to, so what do i do there??

I think your in-laws sound most unreasonable. I would never treat my children like that. I have a DD who lives abroad and I visit at her invitation but I only stay five days so as not to disrupt her work routine.
I would never be brow beaten into accepting guests against my will, I would be polite but insist that the arrangements did not suit me and therefore it was not going to happen.
Why would anyone be unpleasant to the mother of their grandchild ? I would do anything for my DIL.

well i dont need your permission to vist the city you live in, i can come when i want"
I suppose that is right, if he stays somewhere else!
Well, that is very rude.
I do think you need to be quietly assertive, very difficult I know.
When they come do they cook in the evenings? Or do anything to help? Or do they just expect to treat you like a hotel?
That is not on; we do stay with DD and SIL for an extended holiday (I am beginning to wonder about this now!) but we do our fair share of household chores and take it in turns to cook the evening meal, as well as trying to get out and about from under their feet.

Thank you for all your comments ladies.

They are coming for a week- and while i understand that 7 days is very short, its not that short when they are people who dont like or respect you.

Also being teachers we cant take time off and Monday to Friday we are super busy. And we work long hours so routine during term time is essential.

I have never been unpleasant to them or rude, and rosequartz me and my husband discuss everything and almost always come to a compromise together and its usually something we both agree to. And so to not put him in the middle, i came on here to vent a little.
Its quite possible that assertiveness training would be a big help to us both!!! But you see on being told that we'd have to check to see if the dates were ok, it was met aggressively with "well i dont need your permission to vist the city you live in, i can come when i want"...... My husband felt backed into a corner.

I think the problem is that they didnt like being told when they could visit, but we are all adults, isnt it my prerogative to decide who visits me and when?? Especially if they want to see and spend time with my children- as for baby sitting, i dont think so, i cant trust them and i dont know about all of you but i wouldnt leave my children with anyone who spoke really badly of me- related or not.

I wouldn't dream of pushing myself on my children where I'm not wanted. My son lives abroad, so we go for 2-3 weeks at a time and always when it is best for them. I'm very aware it must be hard for my daughter in law although she never complains or makes us feel we are interfering, unlike son who can be a miserable sod!. Bless him. We try to help when needed and bite tongues where necessary.
IMO these in laws seem very selfish indeed. I feel for you you Littlepig.

I'm cracking up. they're = their

Well there doesn't seem much point unless the OP comes back. How many more opinions does she need or want?