Can't believe my DD

Whoa. Hang on there.

You could be right, but

Short visits with dad are not the same as doing the daily bit of parenting
mum seeming happy - seeming is not necessarily the same as being
has dad not been much of a father because he would rather not be?
boys need a father more than a mother - debatable

I appreciate your worry but don't quite understand. Who has custody/care of the children? Is the ex-partner within his legal rights to insist the children do not go with their mother?
Why do you think the boys cry when they come back to their mother, is it because they are unsettled or does she genuinely feel it would be in their interests to be split up and/or live with their Dad? And is he in a position to be a full time Dad? Sorry to badger you with so many questions but I feel there are many sides to this issue. At the moment the poor children sound like parcels at a party when the music stops
Bottom line is Scotland is hardly the other side of the world so if this is only a short term move, I.e.for one year, perhaps there could be a compromise?

'scuse me soontobe - can you not tell me to "whoa" and "hang on".

What does the dad think about it? Would he be happy to have them? He might lead a different lifestyle, but that wouldn't necessarily be bad for the boys.

It sounds a bit experimental - but if he really wants them, and isn't just doing it for a power struggle, then why not. It may be that the boys will want to return to her after a while and make that very clear. Maybe she would like a breather from being a single parent, and have a bit of time with her partner. As long as she keeps checking up that they are ok, and you do too, they should be fine.

The children will probably be fine with their daddy, but it is hard to understand how your DD can consider such a thing. Of course, she'll know what sort of father he is, and she must trust him. Worrying for you, though, Nina

Soutra excuse me where did I say that DD' s partner has insisted she go with him ????
It is unfortunately what she haschosen to do.

jings he does want them. He is willing to move to a larger place to accommodate them. At the moment when they have their one night a week at his, all three share a double bed ! The other GP' s will apparently move to the area to assist with child care. How I don't know as they both work.

Should have said that the children do not go with their mother sorry. They have joint custody agreed by themselves they haven't been to court. they have e equal parental responsibility. At the moment she has residency

Soutra DD would never split them up. The oldest gets upset because he wants to be with his dad and the younger picks up on it. They are settled, well mannered and well behaved. The 6 yr old is doing well at school.
Going to live with dad rather than mum is hardly treating them like parcels. Especially if it's as we think what they want.

My concern is that she is willing to go and save them. I can't get my head round that one. Also I

I have no idea where you got the idea I said the partner has insisted she go with him! You said that was "the plan".and I assumed that was the crux of the problem. I am even more now!

You did say the boys' father is "emphatic" that isn't happening. So he is insisting on that.

leave them
don't think he will look after them as he should.

Clicked post message accidentally.

Will your DD be working too when she moves? Perhaps she feels that, if she and her partner are both working long hours, the boys would be better with their father if he can give them more time than they can. Perhaps, too, she thinks it is time he took on more of the responsibilities of fatherhood and it sounds as if he is planning to do that.
With a father and two sets of GPs, no change of schools, doctors, friends etc it may be less unsettling for them to stay with him.
I hope they have plenty of contact with your DD in the next year and perhaps they will want to move back in with Mum when they come back.

My mistake. I read partner not ex-partner sorry.

No legal rights, but he's willing to go to court to get those rights, he has already consulted a solicitor. DD can't afford a court case.

I think things are different these days, there are lots of single dads who manage very well, let's hope he bucks up and makes a good job of looking after them and that you see them frequently too.

Horrible situation for you Nina. I would be worried too. Has anyone asked the children, especially the older one, what they would like? I feel for the poor children as I am sure they will miss their mum more than your DD seems to think. Heartbreaking situation. But the worst thing for you must be not having any say in the matter ((Hugs))

rose you have basically summed it up. The boys may have to change schools though, depending on where he moves to. He is currently a half hour drive from their school. That would happen if they went with DD though.

DD will be taking older boy out on their own to talk about it in the next day or two. Partners job was only confirmed last Tuesday.

How often will the boys see their mother nina if the plan goes ahead?
It seems to me that is the problem - not that the boys won't be living with her, but being realistic, they are unlikely to see her more often than once a fortnight, which isn't very often for small children.
It's very different from if she was living separately, but round the corner from them.

Obviously I don't know the full story or all the relationship details, but it sounds to me from what's on here as if both parents of the boys are trying to do what's best in the circumstances they are in. They are not simply ruling our certain possibilities because those possibilities are unusual. Good for them, and good luck to all concerned.

ruling out

It sounds to me as if your DD is doing her best to think with her head rather than her heart. Leaving the boys behind will be a terrible wrench for her, but perhaps she thinks they'll be better off with their dad who they obviously have a good relationship with, hopefully staying in the same school near their friends with two sets of loving GPs on hand rather than being uprooted and taken to the other end of the country. Did you say too that it's just for a year?

Nfk Yes, DD and partner plan to work all they can (she has a job in place too) save as much as they can and return to this area in 12mths or so. She will then either have the boys living with her or have them weekends depending on what they are happiest with.

Thanks for that bags

Very sad situation for you as GP, but possible your DD is thinking of the boys and the disruption involved in moving them hundreds of miles away. I hate to say this, but we as women cannot have it all our own way, Fathers can be good parents too and maybe he will step up to the mark given the opportunity. I appreciate you are shocked at your DD decision, one that i certainly couldnt make, but be glad that you are able to stay part of their lives, support their Father.

Could it be that your DD's current partner would rather not have your DGC living with them and he has both instigated the move to Scotland and suggested that the children stay with their father?

I am not suggesting coercion or anything like that. She may have gone along with his suggestion because she is quite happy to not have the day to day care of her children when she has a new partner.

I am sorry if the above sounds brutal, it is only a suggestion.