The Aftermath

Resentfulness' ang anger rearing its ugly head again with DD. The fact that she refuses to share the car with me is something that effects my daily life. Traipsing back from the supermarket with bags of shopping etc.

I would like to find a way to be at peace and accept this situation but am finding it terribly difficult.

Yes,Parcs, we do. I think we have to be good to ourselves and try to expect little.

Surely we deserve better.

Yep - that's my tactic now. Not the ideal, I agree, but at least it's allowing them to "get on with it" as they say. I can't "bang their heads together" - there's four of them for a start - but I can say I don't want to be involved. I do feel that life is repeating itself - but then that's what it does - how else does one explain the slow progress of humanity?

It's hard to see a way out of this maze.I protect myself by withdrawing but i don't think that is a solution.

Completely agree with you there Amarnie - it's a pattern that has been prevalent throughout the DCs lives - and a little brother just muddied the waters! He is not married yet though - probably won't ever dare to as his older brother and sister are so good at destruction! Anyway, he's OK - he left the county and lives 6 hours away and will quite happily move to another country if necessary - I'm happy with that so long as he takes me with him!!! Seriously though - you do have a point and I don't accept the blame 100 per cent (can't find it on the keyboard) as I had three sisters and a very manipulative mother - she had to be, I understand now!!!

Parcs and Jomarie, i wonder if we thought back before our children married if we would see a similar pattern to the one we are upset about now. Families sometimes find it convenient to designate one member as a scapegoat. If that is happening ,we need to stop blaming ourselves.

Oh Parcs - feel for you - am having similar problems with DS and Dil - won't be long before it's DD and Dsil though. They seem to take it in turns to be difficult - DH appears to sit on the fence the whole time but lets me know in no uncertain terms that he holds me entirely responsible for any misunderstanding in the family and if it wasn't for me then his life and all of theirs would be fine!!!! I think he has a plan!!!!!! Sorry, not meaning to be flippant - but have become so cynical in the last few years - as the song says "life made me that way"........

amarmai I am used to having no one covering my back. My husband believes in staying out of everything and shows no interest in anything.

One day I am going to stop expecting him to step up and realise that I am alone.

I think that that will be a good day

Thank you for your comments

you are having to jump thru hoops ,Parcs and it doesn't seem like you have anyone covering your back. My daughter's marriage is a minefield for me too. I have withdrawn and say as little as possible. Not the only solution- but better than feeling i am in the wrong all the time. Perhaps your daughter and you can get together with the baby just the 3 of you?

I have apologised and all is well again. My word, my life is becoming like a soap opera but wanted to update you

Things were getting better but I think I just blew it again. Daughter and son in law came over, son in law under protest, you could see it in his face, so that felt uncomfortable.

I asked about a purchase we were making together and it just blew it out of proportion and they both stormed out of the house without saying goodbye, how rude.

I do not know what the future holds, it seems we now can not be in the same room as each other without it all going wrong

I think I just need to be extremely conscious of EVERYHTING I say

So upset and do blame myself somehow. But also angry at SIL's bad attitude from the beginning

Mine's the same Alie. If I try to broach the subject she says 'I don't want to go there'.

I just wish I could clear the air with mine, but she has always refused to talk about what ever has gone wrong.

No amamai if anyvthing he made it worse because he became in patient of our dis-agreement and got involved when we were trying to resolve things and took sides!!

But we ignored that and continued trying to resolve things, which we now have and I got to hold my grandchild today for the first time in three weeks and it was so lovely, I got a big smile and a cuddles.

ohdear It makes me happy to think that I have helped you.

What I have learnt is not to take things personally and just accept that there are things about my daughter that I don't like, but for the sake of my family I will ignore and accept them.

I agree with the advice to keep quiet when angry, and i am happy that you and your daughter are making progress. Did your husband assist in this step forward?

Nice to see you here, ohdear!

I am new here and came looking for advice about how I was feeling about my son and dil. The main advice from everyone seemed to be "leave it alone" and I am so glad that I read all of this. I want to thank you, Parcs, for having the courage to write about your family and because this has helped me very much. I think I would have said something, even tho I know its a really bad idea. But I didn't---and now I am really glad about that.

So--thanks again. And I am very happy to have found this forum and have realised that I am not the only one dealing with what seems to be problems common to many grandparents.

Happy for you ��

Regardless to who was right or wrong

Amazing effective advice, thank so much.

Just to let everyone know, I got a text yesterday evening at nearly 11pm from DD saying that I am forgiven and that she has no bad feelings towards me anymore.

I was very happy to get that text.

[parcs] how painful it is when our children give us grief! I've been having difficulties with youngest DD in the last week but it seems to be resolving a bit now by me trying to keep mouth shut (advice on here) and recognising what HER pain is. As you said, what happened to the little child we cherished? Give yourself time and space to lick your wounds!! 'This too will pass' is one of my mantras too. It does help a bit. ((Hugs))

I have two other children too Parcs who would never, ever treat me the way that my eldest daughter is doing, so I thank my lucky stars for that. Hopefully she will realise one day and regret her actions.
I hope so anyway.

It sometimes help to move all the actors onto another stage. Next time she comes, say you are all going out for lunch and leave the house. When you are sitting in another place among strangers you might find there is a different atmosphere.
You have collection of issues with your daughter. try to imgine all the things you hate about her behaviour and put then in an imginary suitcase.
This therapeutic excercise needs some concentration!

Next time you see her leave the suitcase unopened or imagine you have put it in the bin.
Imagine yourself carrying this suitcase everytime you see her. Then decide to go without it.
Hope it helps. Something has got to be done. you can't carry on like this.

Well Tresco as I mentioned on the other thread I have realised the error of my ways by saying what I thought to DD.

The car was supposed to be shared but she went along to the insurance company and dragged my husband with her and took my name off, so I could no longer drive it.

It is easy to say that she will come back to me tresco however she comes to my home every day and there is a horrid atmosphere when she is around and often when she leaves my husband and I end up having an argument, because she is rude to me and he says nothing, if it were the other way around I would not allow her to be rude. I say nothing to her because it will escalate.

Any how to be honest, I have been awake since the early hours tossing and turning mainly because I feel I have no control over the situation