Coming to terms with an absent son

The Prophet is great and absolutely sums up the whole concept of letting go. My Son has simply chosen to live an alternative lifestyle and has therefore backed off from hubby and DD to the point that he hasn't seen DGD who is coming up 1. It is terribly sad but I contact him regularly and am keeping communication open so hope one day we will get back to the close family we once were. I found the section (from The Prophet) on Joy and Sorrow helps. Sending hugs

Lots of wise words from all of you , I'm taking it all on board and working things out . thanks everyone.

DS1 was absent for Christmas from the age of 20 because he was managing winter sports clubs in the Alps. DS2 went to work in Spain and then Australia for a year. When I was in my 20s, I went off to Kenya. Families nowadays do spread themselves over the globe. My parents came to see me one Christmas in Kenya and we had a fine time with my friends there; another time I went to cousins in Zambia. I had one Christmas in Spain with DS and his partner. Distance is not such an obstacle as it once was. Nowadays I go to one or the other family for Christmas and they treat me (and feed me) royally!

Alex25 - find a decent hypnotherapist to help you over your reluctance to fly!

tanith - why are you beating y ourself up about the Christmas table in July?
If it really upsets you that you don't have all your chicks around you, why not think about doing something else? Maybe go out to Gib for Christmas yourself?
5 years ago DD1 had taken off round the world after her rat of a fiance ran out on her 3 weeks before the wedding, one sis-in law was in Singapore visiting my brother -in-law and family who were living out there and I worried that we might miss "absent friends"or feel a bit down, so we did an "alternative" Christmas with younger 2 DDs cooking us a "Bollywood Banquet" at their flat in London- it was brilliant!

gally A great post.

Alex25 Thanks for the flowers, and yes, it is really hard sometimes.

gally high fivers to you.

Tanith, your original post could have been written by me. Very similar circumstances except that my son is in Thailand and I have a fear of flying. I have read all the posts and I know that we are supposed to 'let them go' and I do feel very proud of him, as I have always done. I just think some people can cope better than others. I have trained myself not to dwell on things too much and I do live an active, busy life, which helps. But, deep down I am so sad the family do not spend special times with him and it is really hard.
To all you Grans flowers

tanith The fact your son is doing so well in life proves you did a brilliant job of bringing him up. I know it is difficult for you, but on the bright side you can visit for a holiday and it sounds like he lives somewhere nice.

gallyyou are a wise and lovely woman..Tanith go see your son,and be pleased he is living a happy fulfilled life, that is what we all hope for our children.

Gally, what a wise and pragmatic person you are. I hope the birth happens when it's expected and you will soon be enjoying cuddles with the new GC.

Yes, I loved your post too, gally

HI Gally. Nice post .

My daughter tells me that she gets all her news from her son's fiancee (soon to be his wife). Even when they talk on Skype, he just puts his head round and says 'Hello, Mum'. However, her other son does speak to her from London almost every day but he is single. When I was married, I sent all the Mother's Day and Birthday and Christmas cards to my MIL. I think in general women are just better communicators.

Very wise words from some lovely ladies! I am catching up with these posts while suffering an attack of the Jet Lags - 5 am Sydney time, so as you see, Tanith I am far away from home and visiting DD2 and the grandchildren which is a joy, but still a pain in the neck sometimes! I only arrived late on thursday, but am already missing the gc's and DD's back home. I am missing 1st and a 3rd birthday celebrations, but on the other hand I will be here for a 6th birthday and a birth next week (hopefully). This is how life is and how it will be for the foreseeable future; we just have to grit our teeth and get on with it. My philosophy, especially since MrG died earlier in the year, is to grab eveything with both hands, accept every invitation and go for it; Life's too bloody (sorry, naughty word) short to sit around moping about what was, what is and what could be. Grab what you can by the short and curlies- sometimes it's hard, I know, and you just want to curl up and pretend it isn't happening - but it is .There are hundreds of us on GN suffering the same problems - you ain 't alone

How things have changed in 20yrs.When DD in NZ only communication was a monthly long newsy airmail letter.I've kept some of them,-collectors items for
her daughter maybe.
Do you think daughters are better at keeping in touch than sons?

Good advice there tanith. How do you think he will feel if you don't take up his invitation?

tanith your son has sent you an invitation..........Go! He obviously still wants you in his life.

Bags well said! Hope you are feeling better?

maniac I love that verse too.

I live alone, maniac, and the fact that my daughter is in New Zealand does not cause me any grief at all. She is well and happy doing what she has always wanted, and so are her six children and her husband. We are in touch virtually every day, either by phone or on Facebook. Of course, I was already living in a different country when they emigrated.

I agree Bags -so well expressed.

DD2 worked in NZ and Bahrain for 5 yrs in 80s.In 1991 DS went to work in U.S.-
He was in San Francisco during the earthquake.No news for 3 days no emails or Skype then .
I was glad they were having opportunities I never had-admired their courage and enterprise ..
However I must add that for those living alone without a partner the distance apart and lack of communication with family can be much harder.

I have Gibran's 'The Prophet'.- his poem ‘Your Children’ printed out to remind me when I'm feeling low.
tanithhope you have lots of happy visits to your son.

tanith for you to help you through this. By the way does he know how you feel about this? We all understand and some of us are even thinking 'thank goodness it isn't me'. I have two darling GD who live a few hours away and that is far enough.

Bags

tanith hope that you are feeling more positive after everyone's input, thoughts and support. I just wanted to add that in 1957 I was the grandchild being taken across the world and away from my doting Grandma & Nana because my father needed a job! We waited eagerly for the weekly airmail letters from home and occasionally a photo too! We had a lovely life..on the beach every day or at the pool! I had three years of idyllic living, even though I was away from my extended family. When we came home on leave at the end of 3 years it was wonderful to see everyone. My parents returned for another 3-4 years and I went to boarding school. My grandmothers were always a constant in my life, even if they were not local! My mum adored her mum and although sad to be so far apart remained close as did my Dad and his mum. All I am trying to say is that distance can be a barrier to a loving relationship but it does not have to be. Book that trip to Gibralter NOW!

Excellent post Bags .. very well said

Bags that is a lovely post thankyou if I get halfway there I'll be much happier... I do feel better today for reading all these posts of those that have been where I am and gotten over it..

Dorsetpennt the move 2yrs ago was only ever a temporary move and this permanency has come in the last 3mths so its new to me and the family. I will go and enjoy his company in Gib of course and I will come to terms with it , but its new and raw and it catches me and takes my breath away at the moment and I feel pathetic for not being made of sterner stuff.

We miss him , all of us, and that's a fact I can't get over, not just for me but for his sisters and nieces and nephews and stepdad my lovely hubby, who love him to bits and aren't in a position to visit often if at all. There'll be an empty chair at the Christmas dining table and I know that sounds ridiculous but that's how it feels..

Thankyou everyone for helping me over the 'hump' .