It's time to stop pandering

My daughter works in a school where a few of the pupils have this. They come to school for a couple of days and then stay off. There is a social support worker who helps them and they do some lessons at home. Mostly young teenagers. It is a private school and costs heaps , a very good school and very supportive. No money of course, just doesn’t happen here. If you are diagnosed with ADHD you might get a little from the disability scheme if you’re lucky.

We have had a lot of trouble with my 13 year old grandson. He is ASD and ADHD and at one point was barely managing two or three hours at school. Life has been easier now he's in a special unit at secondary school, but this week his father had to go and collect him as he was trying to get away ans saying he wanted to kill himself. So we aren't quite there yet.

I had a horrible time at primary school. I loved learning, but I couldn't cope with the teachers or the other children. Obviously 70 years ago the idea that a child couldn't cope with an everyday thing like primary school didn't exist, you were just expected to get on with it. The only person who did realise was our GP. He was quite happy to sign me off with vague viruses because (he told my mother) I'd had as much school as I could manage without a break.

Elless- typo error !

Ellesmere, I fully understand your views, however it is not pandering - it is a very real problem for some children and their families. This is far more complex than a child trying to avoid school simply because he would rather not be there. If that is the case then I agree a bit of tough love would not go amiss. Fortunately I have not had experience of EBSA but I believe it is a very serious condition that causes immense anxiety for the child and his / her family. If it hasn't happened to a child in your family please be grateful for that.

I was so badly bullied at school in the 60# I stayed in the cellar for a week rather than go in. The teachers of course never saw any bullying. It sounds dramatic but I have never got over the bullying and I am 71 and socially incompetent

The days of a quick slap are long gone. We cannot go backwards. Perhaps if children were actually allowed to be children, there would be less anxiety.

School is absolute hell for many SEND children. The noise, the crowds, the bullying. Fear is not cured by being forced into fearful experiences every miserable day.
Many school refusers would be far better off with home schooling but both parents have to work.

M0nica

Seems an excellent idea. As I read it, it helps children gradually return to school - and stay there. In the past children just dropped out of education entirely and, if they did, the children were way behind their contemporaries that just brought the problem back and going back was also difficult. The article I read talked to children who had returned to school after studying through one of these machines and they were quite unequivocal that they would not be back in school eept for this machine.

Before making sweeping comments as the OP has. She should read the article/news media I read thoroughly. She will see how effective these machines are. Does she want more children committing suicide as they are forced back to school (how) or have them descending further into serious mental illness or drug addiction just because using a machine that is more effective than the usual methods is seen as 'mollycoddling;

Excellent response

Seems an excellent idea. As I read it, it helps children gradually return to school - and stay there. In the past children just dropped out of education entirely and, if they did, the children were way behind their contemporaries that just brought the problem back and going back was also difficult. The article I read talked to children who had returned to school after studying through one of these machines and they were quite unequivocal that they would not be back in school eept for this machine.

Before making sweeping comments as the OP has. She should read the article/news media I read thoroughly. She will see how effective these machines are. Does she want more children committing suicide as they are forced back to school (how) or have them descending further into serious mental illness or drug addiction just because using a machine that is more effective than the usual methods is seen as 'mollycoddling;

All I can say to the nay sayers is: your very lucky that you’ve never seen a child hanging on to the doorframe in terror while a parent is trying to follow some of the thinking on here.

I have seen just that, and have removed children clinging onto doorposts or attempting to batter down a closed or locked door, and I can honestly say that once within school and with someone talking to them and reassuring them, they have calmed down,overcome their fears, real and imagined and will return again. Not a frequent occurrence, and with primary age children only., and all before covid.
There are children who are scared by trouble at home, usually the threat of divorce and the fear that when they return mummy or daddy will not be there. So often one learns sometime later that the parents are splitting up, but of course it has never had a dire effect on the child, they claim. Generally, once it has happened children face the reality and accommodate it.

If they think that will sort it go ahead.

Children in the past refused school for similar reasons but we didn't have the framework to support them then.
They were just left at home uneducated.
Since covid school refusal numbers have risen. One reason is the number of adults working from home.
The getting up and out in the morning routine becoming lost.

Petra yes, it amazes me how many people have strong opinions about various aspects of life. Things that are completely outside of their own lived experience or that of their family and friendship circle.

I was talking recently with the organiser of the charity I volunteered with for many years. A volunteer befriends a child, referred by SS, school or GP practice, who would benefit from the regular one-to-one company of a committed adult.
The organiser said that she thought that some young parents were actually lazy and didn't bother to get their children to school. Some had decided that, because of self-diagnosed ADHD, including the child, they couldn't be expected to do the job of parenting. This has produced dysregulated children, exhibiting challenging behaviour and missing school, resulting in school refusal.
The organiser said it's become more common than when I was a volunteer until two years ago.
I know some Grans have AC who are teachers. Do they have any comments?

petra

All I can say to the nay sayers is: your very lucky that you’ve never seen a child hanging on to the doorframe in terror while a parent is trying to follow some of the thinking on here.

Exactly 👍

All I can say to the nay sayers is: your very lucky that you’ve never seen a child hanging on to the doorframe in terror while a parent is trying to follow some of the thinking on here.

PaperMonster2

“But, I still stand by my assertion that we do also have to support all children to build resilience and confidence to be able to face their great fears and to support them to overcome and manage them.

We need to support them to grow and to become responsible adults.

I’m not suggesting it doesn’t exist, nor that we should ignore it.”

You absolutely do not build resilience by forcing them in. This really does do more harm than good. A child with EBSA will be being offered appropriate professional support. There is always a lot of work going on in the background.

GrannyGravy13 school refusal is an old fashioned term that is no longer used for obvious reasons.

Dr Naomi Fisher is a very good resource for looking at resilience building.

I didn’t say “force”, I used my words carefully. I said support.

For most children though, there needs to be good, positive ways to manage and support these issues as at some point these children will become adults.

I’d never ever advocate “forcing” anyone, child or not, to do something which makes them physically, emotionally or mentally unwell

Child mental health services are woefully underfunded. All my GCs were negatively affected by lockdown in different ways but no help was available and they just had to suck it up.

I see EBSA as a breakthrough.

Far from 'pandering' to them and 'molly coddling' them, the different schools my GCs attend are all obsessed with attendance and on the odd occasions when I have had to look up the phone number of the absence line online, I have been met with details about fixed penalty fines and the possibility of the parents incurring a custodial sentence if the child is persistently absent.

The reality is that children become physically ill or over anxious sometimes and have to miss school.

Most adults do not find that work places take such a hardline attitude to absences.

With my own children I made sure that they understood that going in to school was a given unless there was a very good reason but I never smacked them up and told them to 'pull themselves together.' My children have a similar attitude to mine, with their DCs, who all understand the importance of regular attendance .

Cossy

All I can add is that some children need to be able to have a helping hand from parents to build the reliance and confidence they will need throughout their lives. We all have to do things we don’t like doing, school is a good example of this.

This.

I know PaperMonster2 which is why I put it in italics.

It is being used by the child’s parent in general conversation as EBSA is still a relatively new explanation.

“But, I still stand by my assertion that we do also have to support all children to build resilience and confidence to be able to face their great fears and to support them to overcome and manage them.

We need to support them to grow and to become responsible adults.

I’m not suggesting it doesn’t exist, nor that we should ignore it.”

You absolutely do not build resilience by forcing them in. This really does do more harm than good. A child with EBSA will be being offered appropriate professional support. There is always a lot of work going on in the background.

GrannyGravy13 school refusal is an old fashioned term that is no longer used for obvious reasons.

Dr Naomi Fisher is a very good resource for looking at resilience building.

We cannot punish the minority who truly need support, bury our heads in the sand and make the situation worse.
Yesteryears are gone.
Autism, allergies and new conditions you never heard of have a name.

It is like saying "depression is being sad, cheer up "

Meanwhile, we have parents of adult children who enable them so much and those kids stop functioning like adults.

A close friend of our family has a school refuser as these children are sometimes called. Their sibling trots off happily every day.

It is emotionally draining for parents and absolutely dreadful for the child. This child wants to be educated, they are bright, bi-lingual and socially aware along with being good company.

However, they just cannot physically go through the school gate have been like this since first day of primary school all the way through to now yr.10.

Unless you have witnessed the endless struggle and emotional toll on a family of a child ( let’s remember it’s a child ) who actually would like to be in school but physically cannot even get out the door without breaking down - how can you judge ? Although in this weird era of my life ( my 70 s ) I find that the world has become more judgemental and less tolerant than ever so I shouldn’t be surprised . I hope no one makes you do something that fills you with fear and makes you feel ill every day because it’s supposedly good for u .

PaperMonster2

Oh my word, oh my word. What an awful post. You do realise that this has been around for a long time right? Have you ever worked with someone who really wants to be in school, but physically is unable to do this? Well, clearly not as you’re obviously not compassionate enough to do that.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind at all that there are children who cannot cope in school, children who dearly want to go to school, but for one reason or another have developed a massive fear or phobia about actually attending school.

I think COVID lockdown will have affected this and undoubtedly caused a whole generation to have some children greatly mentally and emotionally affected.

But, I still stand by my assertion that we do also have to support all children to build resilience and confidence to be able to face their great fears and to support them to overcome and manage them.

We need to support them to grow and to become responsible adults.

I’m not suggesting it doesn’t exist, nor that we should ignore it.