Feel I am being used.

Forget the judgements about previous actions and settle the current problem.
Tell the man that you want him out, you feel used, you're no longer happy with the situation and you're not willing to carry on this way. Give him maybe 2 /3 mths notice and if he can't get back into his flat then he can either live with his mother or make other arrangements. If you have to, then you can always tell him you'll be changing the locks on a certain date. Problem solved.

Nanafish, yes you are being used. He is getting away lightly in regards to household expenses. If you split up because he won't contribute his fair share, then you don't need to be lonely or alone, you can always meet new people, make new friends etc. I think he is a selfish user.

Ithink the above comments are right. You reap what you sow.

nanafish

Thank you doodledog for your very astute answer. You are right it was never straight forward, I took the decision to stay with my huspand for the childrens sake, but as they got older and left home so my huspand got sicker. Dementia, he spent about 3 years in care... at this stage i looked after him more as a brother and as our children's dad. All your answers have made me realise that through all of this my now partner never asked me to marry or asked to move in with me or vice versa.
I think I am being used, although its a situation now that is hard to resolve... would I be sad if he went, selfishly yes, I love company and would be sad to be alone, Mentally and emotionally, I am sad because the man I thought loved me I feel is usingme. Thank you all

You have obviously built your present life around this man, it might be that any friends you did have made themselves absent because they didn’t agree with your living arrangements, or perhaps you had no close friends.
Seemingly, you have now recognised that he is, very conveniently for him, bunked up with you and is paying a pittance towards your household upkeep.
If he is not on the deeds to your proper you can ask him to bugger off and live with his mother whilst still allowing his tenant to live in the rental…..yes, you’ll be alone but you will be free of this scrounging FWB.

We don’t know what the OP is getting out of the relationship though. She’s said she likes the company, and that’s a huge thing, but there could be more to it than that.

I think the financial situation could be fairer, but only she can list the pros and cons of his staying or going. Often something that seems clear cut to observers is far from that to those involved. If my husband left, I would miss things that nobody else would even think about. It’s not just the obvious things that make a difference, is it?

He's got things arranged nicely - wholely to his benefit.

Yes, you are being comprehensively used. Everyone around you appears to be getting what they want. And you?

You'll run yourself into the ground at this rate.........

In my experience, when I feel used, it's because there's some sort of imbalance in the relationship. Is he contributing fairly to the home and finances? Supporting you as you support him?

Also, since it started with an affair, the thing about affairs is that they are a bit sparkly because they don't involve the day to day boring stuff like paying bills, housework, caring for elderly parents, etc. You now have all those normal every day things, so maybe the shine has come off a bit?

Doodledog it’s all good

Cossy

Doodledog

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Of course, it just felt a bit like a telling off

It wasn't meant to be a telling off.

The judgement comment wasn't aimed at you in particular, although I can see how it might have looked that way - I meant that people (generic) do tend to assume that they would never do things that in particular circumstances they might, particularly when it comes to personal relationships, which can be complicated. I also think that if someone has caused hurt (and we don't know that this was the case) it doesn't mean that they have no right to feel hurt by others for the rest of their life.

Anyway, we disagree, but that's what happens in discussions.

I wasn’t sitting in judgement either

Doodledog

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Of course, it just felt a bit like a telling off

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Fair enough, Delila & Doodlebug

I consider myself chastised and I hope the OP manages to resolves her problem.

I do think the three and half decade longevity of the relationship is relevant especially in the context of the further information OP gave at 13:26 today.

Living under the same roof simply isn’t the idyllic, romantic dream they once had when they were younger. Other people always got in the way one way or another, her children, her husband’s poor health, now his poor health and now his ageing mother.

Actually, I think it might be difficult for him to be sharing a home that OP shared with her late husband and children for over 30 years while prioritising them. He maybe does feel like a lodger rather than a 50:50 relationship.

Perhaps if he does inherit some money, they can start afresh by buying a new place. Or why not do it now subject to adhering to his tenants' rights.

Things change over time, and there may be all sorts of reasons why they happened as they did in the past, which bear no relevance to our present.

Nanafish asks if she is unreasonable to feel as she does now, and I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to feel as she does in the circumstances she describes now. I think any reasonable person, no matter the origin of their relationship, would share her feelings given the same situation.

Smileless2012

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

Im one of them Smileless.

When I saw the hoops my children would have to go through after I died to get possession of the house I used to let, I decided it was better to leave it empty.

If I could have gone on letting it on a fixed term contract I would have done, knowing they could get possession for probate when the contract ended.

But off the topic of the OPs problem really. Just a hurdle to be faced if she does want him to move out because he’ll be homeless.

I'm not so sure, Cossy. People have a habit of wanting to see those they think have behaved badly get paid back in some way, but as I said upthread, we can't possibly know what others' full circumstances are, particularly when we are talking about the past. It's too easy to sit in judgement from behind a keyboard.

The OP asked us for advice about the fact that she feels she is being used by her partner, not opinions on whether she 'deserves' to feel bad for things she did in the past. What would the difference be if she had met this man after her husband had died? Her question would be the same, regardless of how and when they met.

Delila

The background to nanafish’s relationship is really not relevant to her present request for advice. Now, in the present, she feels used, and she explains why.

I think she needs to be open with her partner about her feelings, her issues regarding his relationship with his mother, and her misgivings about their financial arrangements, to try to renegotiate between them a better way of staying together, if possible.

If these issues are ignored things between them may well deteriorate to a point of no return.

Nanafish, you’ve said you love company and don’t want to be alone, so it’s worth finding the courage to speak openly to your partner rather than continue as you are, harbouring resentment which may eventually destroy your relationship.

I’m no sure why you think how and when her relationship started has no bearing on her current situation?

Of course it does. Everything in the past has a bearing and an effect on where we find ourselves now.

The background to nanafish’s relationship is really not relevant to her present request for advice. Now, in the present, she feels used, and she explains why.

I think she needs to be open with her partner about her feelings, her issues regarding his relationship with his mother, and her misgivings about their financial arrangements, to try to renegotiate between them a better way of staying together, if possible.

If these issues are ignored things between them may well deteriorate to a point of no return.

Nanafish, you’ve said you love company and don’t want to be alone, so it’s worth finding the courage to speak openly to your partner rather than continue as you are, harbouring resentment which may eventually destroy your relationship.

Smileless2012

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

I think this was why people were concerned about the introduction of the Renter’s Rights Act.

Where we live, in the South East, there are still a good few properties available for privately renting.

The bigger issue is the cost combined with insecurity, even with the new act.

Many other European countries have more stringent laws around renting, giving tenants far more security than here.

I can see both sides d the coin, here are some very responsible landlords, and decent tenants, likewise some appalling tenants and some dreadful landlords.

We encouraged our children not to rent if they could avoid it, our oldest (my step-daughter) and our other two daughters, all heeded this advice and have (or will) have mortgaged properties whilst still in their twenties, both sons ignored us, one still lives at home, but older son chose to rent and live in different places, til he hit 40 when finally buying a house with his gf.

What I’d love to see a much more affordable housing to buy, more social housing and slightly better control on private rents.

Sadly, often those having to privately rent are those who can least afford it and though many will get some help from the government, it’s often not enough due to very outdated local housing allowances.

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

When you ask strangers who have no person connection for their opinions then they (we) will try to see things from both sides - although we only ever get to hear one side of the story and even that comes in dribs and drabs.

You haven’t mentioned whether this man had a wife and children of his own or has always been single. If it's the latter, maybe it was hard for him to have to sit this out for over 30 years while you prioritised your family. It seems rather churlish for you to be complaining now that he is giving attention to his ageing mother.

Just because you may end up living in separate homes again doesn’t mean the relationship has to end or that you will be alone. Unless you drive him away altogether by nagging about his mother then you will still have him in your llife plus you have your adult children and maybe even grandchildren. You won’t be alone.

Sorry to hear you still feel “used”.

I’m sorry but you chose your life, you chose to stay with your husband but take a lover for 29 years.

He went into care for the last 3 years of his life leaving you completely free to do whatever you liked and the family home.

I think both you and your lover, whom you claim to love, have both used each other.

Thank you for having the courtesy to respond, it’s very honest of you.

But the fact that you don’t seem able to acknowledge that for 29 years you cheated on your husband, who I assume at some point was working and helping you to raise your children, is sad.

I do wish you the best, we cannot undo acts from our past. Though we can acknowledge perhaps we are not being entirely honest, even with ourselves.

But as you don’t like this situation, or him seeing his mother so much and feel he’s using you, only you have the power to change things.

Good luck

Jaxjacky

Lathyrus I believe he can give his tenant(s) 2 months notice if he wishes to move back to his main residence.

A landlord has to give the tenant four months notice of their intention to apply for a repossession order. Not four months notice to quit.

Then the landlord has to apply ti the Courts for repossession.

The Court may decide against the Landlord, particularly if he has a place to live and the tenant is likely ti find it difficult to rent an alternative or the tenants need is judged to be greater than that if the landlord,

F the Court does decide in the Landlord's favour then the tenant has right of Appeal which can take several months to be heard.

The tenant can still refuse to move and wait for bodily eviction.

The new legislation makes it a lengthy and expensive process to regain your home.

Thank you doodledog for your very astute answer. You are right it was never straight forward, I took the decision to stay with my huspand for the childrens sake, but as they got older and left home so my huspand got sicker. Dementia, he spent about 3 years in care... at this stage i looked after him more as a brother and as our children's dad. All your answers have made me realise that through all of this my now partner never asked me to marry or asked to move in with me or vice versa.
I think I am being used, although its a situation now that is hard to resolve... would I be sad if he went, selfishly yes, I love company and would be sad to be alone, Mentally and emotionally, I am sad because the man I thought loved me I feel is usingme. Thank you all