AIBU to be fed up of family not pulling their weight at family gatherings/parties?
These things can be a nightmare at the best of times with some complex family dynamics but it seems that despite being the only one working full-time in a high pressure job, that my siblings and in-laws think they can rely on me and hubby to do all the work for family parties ? Two of my sisters don't work at all but will show up with their kids, eat the food cooked and prepared by us and then leave without helping to clear up.
The only one that will help is my sister that also works full time.
How do you get folks to pull their weight at these gatherings? We tried asking each person to bring one of two items to contribute but was told - oh just buy them and we will give you the money.
As the old saying goes, if you want something done give it to a busy person. This sounds like your situation. I would simply not do it next time. You don't need to say anything just do something else with your husband when the expectations arrive. Go to a nice hotel, spa, weekend away and enjoy the time together. The others will soon get the hint. Find an excuse and let them think about it.
I know I used to sit back and let my sister organise and run our family parties and events. I feel and felt guilty about it but it was very difficult to try to take them over myself. The problem was that she is extremely good at catering and organising (and is very bossy). When I have organised eg Christmas lunch for everyone it wasn't nearly as nice or as well done as she did it despite my really best efforts. Even my husband complained that it wasn't as good.
Maybe the OP is a bit like my sister ie a tough act to follow?
Next time an event is suggested why don’t you say “Let all go out somewhere instead?” You could then take the opportunity to to say nicely that it’s all getting a bit much for you these days. Do make sure though that the bill gets split equally and perhaps you could all contribute a little more and pay for your parents. Just a thought.
M and S do lovely pre ordered party platters. Everyone to share in the cost.
I just refused to host these any more as I said I was too tired to keep doing it. Family soon pitched in and started hosting at their places… I like to help them out but it just got too much for me.
Don’t invite them! Simple!
So try doing what they suggested, buy an expensive dish (seafood platter?) and give them the receipt and ask for the money.
I know that feeling Aveline - I have friends who can pump out a spread for 25 from seemingly empty cupboards almost by magic while I am still looking for something to cook.
But everyone can help with clearing up and washing up.
I think the only answer here is to explore the cost of party platters as suggested and ask everyone for their share towards them a few weeks in advance. You may find they are not interested in paying the price.
I think my only answer to someone who told me to shop for them is 'I'm not your servant. When I say I am short on time it means I am short on time.'
When your family mention having a get-together just say that you've done it for X amount of years and it's someone else's turn to host..
And stick to your guns...
Allocate them jobs ahead of the day. ' I will supply the cheese and a potato salad and 2 bottles of wine. We need the rest of you to supply the following'. And if you end up with cheese, potato salad and 2 bottles of wine between 10, well that is their problem.
At the end of the event you ask 'Who will host the next event on the same basis?' and if no one volunteers, the event doesn't take place.
Thinking about family gatherings that my kids go to ( I don’t go as it’s their dad’s side of the family and we divorced a longtime ago) they don’t particularly want to go to them, especially as some of them work out quite expensive. It seems to be the person organising it that wants the event to take place. I’m not saying that this is necessarily always the case; I don’t have family of my own so I’m just an outsider looking in at these events. At the same time, I do point out to my kids that they’re lucky to have family and it’s important to make the effort to link up with everyone occasionally and appreciate that they do have relatives.
I’m thinking, do you have the biggest house with the most space, that’s why they expect you to do it every time.
the same happens to me. I orepare all the food, do all the washing up afterwards. When I did ask one sister to help her response was a firm no with the justification that she doesn't do anything when she's on holiday! This happened even when she once stayed for a week. My advice is STOP!
Say you’ve got a brilliant idea “ you take it in turns to host family gatherings”! On a rota style as you are finding it very difficult to host all family gatherings everytime without any help and stress that you do work full time!
Be honest (and if the back out, last minute do not step in)
Sometimes for your own self help and families sanity you have to be cruel to be kind!
Good luck
Newatthis
the same happens to me. I orepare all the food, do all the washing up afterwards. When I did ask one sister to help her response was a firm no with the justification that she doesn't do anything when she's on holiday! This happened even when she once stayed for a week. My advice is STOP!
The best reply would have been "How much does that hotel charge?"
I would wait until another meet up is suggested and say that would be great but I'm afraid someone else will have to host this time, I've done my fair share and it's a lot of work, shopping /prepping/ clearing up afterwards etc and I am working full time so it's very difficult to do all of this without any help from anybody except (sister's name) who also works full time. See what happens then, will anyone take up the challenge, if not then they they aren't as invested as you in these events so it's up to you whether you continue or not.
Agree with tworedroses
FriedGreenTomatoes2
“Please others and you displease yourself” comes to mind.
That’s a good one 👍🏻I haven’t heard that before!
From my lovely mother in law.
Take it out of your home. It summer. Arrange a family picnic in the park. Everyone brings what they want to eat and some outdoor games. In winter find a family friendly restaurant.
Just say no, they expect it because you continue to do it.
It's quite simple, stop having the parties
monami
It's quite simple, stop having the parties
That is cutting off your nose to spite your face, and if carried out over everything people do that is less than perfect, it could end up with you seeing no friends and no family.
Finding a way to still see them all but without the hassle would be better. The possible answers range from eating out and making sure the expense is spared to threatening to stop holding the parties unless others put in some effort.
Nandalot
M and S do lovely pre ordered party platters. Everyone to share in the cost.
We had really nice party food platters from Sainsbury's for my Dad's 90th family birthday party.
Sandwiches, little pastries, profiteroles, and some lovely fresh fruit skewers which were extremely popular!
My husband organised a large rectangular cake from Asda which had Dad's photo printed on it (with an amusing caption!).
Not expensive but very tasty.
Do you have to order these Party Platters in advance? I've never seen any on display in the stores mentioned. They sound like a splendid idea.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
