Is my daughter insensitive - or am I oversensitive

Sorry to add, also if she is an 'only' there could be at the back of her mind having to face up to the recognition that 'mum' isn't getting any younger. Sounds as if she is mentally doing a 'brush under the carpet' job. She probably cares a lot but has to keep juggling those balls each day to be by.

I don’t wish to offend but are you a person who talks about her health a little too much? Could be that she does not realise you are in a lot of pain if you mention every little ache and pain. I have a friend who had this issue when she became single. We need to feel cared for and loved or even experience physical touch. Maybe you need to find that support elsewhere. A regular pamper session or a knit and natter group. Are you feeling lonely?

I sometimes reflect on my own lack of sympathy for my father when , enquiring about his wellbeing he would always complain about his arthritis.
He has been dead many years now, and I begin to understand better the painful aspects of getting old, as I too get old.
However one does have to look after oneself, and part of that may be to put limits on what one can realistically do to help others.
So maybe MVDavies, you have never said "No" to your daughter, but expect her to be able to fully understand and empathise with you. She may not be able to do this -just as I was not -
So it might be easier and provide a better outcome if you were able to have a conversation with your daughter, who clearly loves you and is interested in you, and tell her clearly that you love her and what you feel you are capable of doing, and what you can not do.
This way you will be caring for yourself and you might feel less hard done to.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.
It comes with hope that you will have meaningful communication with your dear daughter, and best wishes for your future wellbeing. 💐

If the pain is bad you should let your daughter know you are unable to care for the children. It sounds as though your daughter does care about you but it's hard for her to understand the pain. I think some people think arthritis is just a minor thing that old people get.
I have arthritis in both hips and disc problems in my back and have got into the habit of saying "I'm ok" if anyone asks how I am. This is because I don't want to worry them and I do manage fine mostly.
I would let my children know if I needed to. I know they care about me but while I'm able to cope I will keep any niggles to myself.

My DH and DE are complete hypochondriacs and my DS and I are
Like the Monty Python knight who gets his limbs chopped off and carries on . Somehow we make it work.

Frankly, I do not understand why your daughter bothers to ask how you are, as she is obviously not interested in hearing the truth.

I do realize that there are a lot of people who do not want to be distressed by our being honest if we are in pain, mourning, or worried, but if this is the case with your daughter, it would make more sense to me if she stopped asking.

What you do in this situation, I really do not know. You can ask the question I have posed, why she enquires, if she does not want an honest answer, or ask her if she would prefer you to lie and say, "Oh, I am fine, dear." when you plainly are not.

Whatever you do or say, I suspect will only make matters worse for you both.

Perhaps the solution is for us all to find someone nearer our own age to confide our worries about health, lonliness etc. to.

I am 56 and started to grow my grey out ...I'm usually very dark. It upsets my granddaughter who is 5 and she asks her mum (my daughter) if nana is going to die soon. My daughter used to get annoyed with me for saying the word old about myself for the reason mentioned - it upsets her and her daughter to think I'm not going to always be around. My daughter gets tearful - I'm hoping I've got decades left yet though!!!

My daughter is openly sensitive so gets upset at thought of losing me perhaps yours buries it better.

I’ll be brutally honest, my overriding memory of my mum, who had me at 26, was there was always something wrong with her. Right from my childhood. Ganglions, bunions, frozen shoulder, anemia. By the time she was in her 50’s, 60’s onwards, my sister & I were so bored with it. When she did have heart problems & fractured hip in her 80’s, I did practical things, ran her house, took her to appointments despite working ft. But I never exuded sympathy

Some extraordinarily harsh comments are here in my opinion. But I wonder if the real issue is that you’re looking after her children and she worries that if she acknowledges your pain, the next step might be that you can’t then do the childcare. It’s just a thought.

That's very well put SpinDrift. Maybe just speak up when you know you can't manage having the GC. and you really need to rest. Explain that to her and try to give her time to organise other help. Part of her worry might be that she thinks you might have to let her down with the GC. Which is understandable. Not sure what age they are but childcare can be tricky. But if you just say in a non blaming way that you are struggling with pain a lot then she can be prepared to make other arrangements. But if she arrives at yours expecting the GC to stay, then it's difficult for her to read your mind and know how to react. Maybe could your doctor help with better pain management?

And agree with Stillness too.

Autumncolours

You seem to have taken offence from your daughter pulling a face snd looking annoyed at your pain news. Of course, you know your daughter but could you have misinterpreted her expression as uncaring? Perhaps she was expressing how horrible it must be for you by pulling that face?

I was going to type this

After reading our thoughts on your predicament MVDavies what do you think?

Totally agre with Cran22boys. Ihave one very empathetic daughter and her big sister more like your daughter. She seemingly went to pieces when I had a heart attack. She said to her godmother she was terried of losing me! I think it's self preservation for her but hard for me again like you that is her dad's ( my ex) genes not mine

I agree with Basgetti.

Common degenerative, arthritic diseases, which be very painful and really limit your mobility Are easily dismissed by a lot of people. Who think you should just get on with it and stop moaning.

It seems to me that when you are in a great deal of pain it’s very difficult for you to look after the grandchildren. Your daughter knows this. Imagine how she felt leaving them with you knowing that she shouldn’t be but having no choice. What could have happened differently is that you could have called her and said I can’t have the children today as I’m in too much pain and she could have called her employers and let them know. That way, she may have been upset but she would have understood. This is not to do with sensitivity. You need to be authentic with her. Which is it? In too much pain to look after the children or ok enough to look after the children? I hope this doesn’t sound unkind. I don’t mean it to. But give her clear messages. Then she will know what to do.

My nearest DD does ask about health conditions that I’ve mentioned, but I think it’s more to gauge how inconvenient it will be if I can’t help out with DGS or her dog!

I suffer from the same problem OP, and my daughter is EXACTLY the same, and quite frankly all these people saying that you shouldn't tell her how you're feeling, are being far too generous minded about her attitude. I think we've all become afraid of saying or doing the 'wrong' thing with our grown up kids, because we worry that they have the power to stop us seeing our grandchildren, which is an awful way to live. I also think that if you can't tell your own family how you're feeling health wise, then who can you tell? When I was a child, we had a neighbour who every time anyone asked how she was, would go into long detailed explanations of what was wrong with her, when she last saw the doctor, etc., which caused most neighbours, including my parents to avoid her like the plague. We used to call her 'Mrs, Ooh me pains'! So when I first began to suffer health problems, I remembered this, and made sure that when asked how I am by an acquaintance, I just say, "I'm fine thanks", if it's a good friend, I say "I'm fine thanks" quite often followed by "well actually I'm feeling pretty rubbish, but that's life, how are you?" However, I think with family members, if they care enough to ask how you are, they should be genuinely interested to hear what is really going on. People say that our kids don't want to think about us being vulnerable, but an adult child should, in the natural way of things, be preparing for the day when we are no longer around to help out, etc. so why would we protect them from that? I honestly think that there is far too much pussy footing around with our kids these days, and it's leading them to think that they are the only one who matters.

Therefore OP, I do think that you need to sit down and talk to your DD about this. Tell her that you were hurt by her attitude when she asked how you were, and you told her truthfully. I would also perhaps make this the point where you tell her that you have now reached the stage where taking care of her kids is getting a bit too much for you, and while you genuinely love seeing them, you're no longer able to provide child care, if of course that's the way you feel. Don't use it as a way of punishing her, but if you truly are finding it too much, then don't force yourself to continue looking after her children, to the detriment of your own health.

I think it highly likely that on the day that your DD upset you, she wasn't thinking about anything else but the difficulties it will cause HER when you can no longer look after the children for her, and not, as all these kind hearted grans think, that she was actually worried about YOU!

MVDavies - I empathise with you on the chronic pain issue - this is something your daughter can't do because she's not experiencing the debilitation you feel. However, you can both approach this in a different way. The next time you see her and she asks how you are, and you are in pain, say something like "well actually I have pain (say where) here today and I'm wondering what I can do about it". Start a dialogue which gives your daughter some chance to be involved. She then has the opportunity to ask if you're taking pain killers, or vitamin supplements or whether you know why some days are worse than others. It's important to get a conversation going in which she can become informed. If she doesn't want to participate then tell her you need more rest and maybe that means seeing less of her and your gc . If you keep quiet you're simply building up resentment. By the way have you tried a magnesium supplement?

I too am disabled due to arthritis and a failed knee replacement.
I live with my daughter and her family but very seldom mention when I’m in pain. DD is a nurse and would be empathetic but I always say I’m fine cos I hate people who moan .
I help my disabled brother in law on occasion and when I visit , all he does is moan . It puts me off going to see him . My DD visits him twice a week because he was ill in hospital for the first 3 months of this year . She now has also noticed the moaning .
A lot could be helped by him having a carer twice a day . Am to help him shower and PM to do his meal and tidy his kitchen afterwards . He was letting my DD do this for him but she’s stepped back now . He is too tight to pay for help even though he can afford it . He’s made a will leaving all he has to his nieces and nephews so why he candle spend it on himself I’ll never know .

She’s insensitive. Probably expects you to be fit to look after GC.
Maybe she’s scared as well that you aren’t going to be around for evermore & it’s coming out wrong, if that makes sense.

NotSpaghetti
If something is constant I don't think there's anything to gain by talking much about it.

Do not take it up with her. No point.
If she is made to placate you she will resent it.
She is happy to see you.
Enjoy her!

I agree.

With both knees I muddled through until it was time for TKR. Once I had 'new knees' I still avoided talking to our children about my knees. 'Fine' seemed an appropriate answer, whist changing topics.

MVDavies
Do Not tell your cousin about what your daughter has said or done! My mother used to complain to my uncle about us 3 girls every time he visited. He Loved it, we never heard anyone wrong with his D or SIL or GC never. Mind she never had anything positive to say about any of us to our faces only behind our backs!

I have made up my mind never to say I am unwell again to my son. When you are in pain it is everything to you as it stops you mixing and going out, doing housework, getting dressed etc.when my son rang and asked how I was I told him, shouldn't have. He didn't want to hear it.

I regularly visit an elderly neighbour .
Whoever I go she lists her illnesses.
I know her medical history off by heart
I've run out of the right words to say.
She has a carer during the week and her daughter visits at weekends.
I've found her daughter as cold as ice , but I think that she's had an overdose of her mother's health problems.
My children are the same !
I imagine that your daughter has her own problems and is stressed.
It's difficult-but try not to mention them.