Husband wants us to go to live in Portugal

Maybe check out all the things mentioned here… costs, visas, healthcare ( vitally important…we never think anything is going to happen …until it does) lack of any rise in pension, loss of benefits if needed and no savings, etc etc… and make a list ( spreadsheet.?) of everything… then show him what it will cost.
What is his hobby, can he do it in Portugal… language problems, not everyone speaks English. Ease of getting British things/foods… all such will be more expensive over there.
So if you are the paperwork person…do this and show him the pros and cons both financially and mentally… loss of friends, amenities, grandchildren, etc.
Finally … maybe book a 2/3 month ( whatever is the maximum allowed) holiday rental, where you have to do all the catering etc, for yourself, and go out and find out what it is like actually LIVING there. That might change his mind, particularly if you insist on him helping with all chores etc, and not just sitting on a balcony being waited on!?

Just show him ALL of these replies.And see if you can compromise on going for a few weeks every now & then.Or maybe HE can go with his friend when he goes for a few weeks?

Renting an apartment twice a year is the best idea OP. You can choose different places and outside the very hot times. He can talk to people who have moved out there...and also try to talk to Portuguese people and see how his day to day language is. Pass the onus of sorting the details to him.
Selling up here is a very bad idea. Unless you downsize to something easily locked up and left and then have lots of holidays.

Listen to yourself. Say No!

I know two separate families who moved there and ended up coming home permanently to use the NHS when they were older.

If as you say you would be left to look into it do so, but only give him info that puts blocks in the way like having to have a certain amount of money in the bank, have to have private medical and other things that make it very hard. That way you are not causing a rift in the marriage

I hope you stand firm on this (I’m sure you will!) and as others have said it sounds like this idea will fizzle out. In any case I hope you post a catch up message on here to update everyone!

I'm a home bird even more so with arthritis taking over. I don't even like the idea of going abroad for holidays anymore. I'm not a fan of sunbathing and never was I'm the wrong colouring for that.
I'm very happy at home and having short breaks in the UK. My DH has health issues too so we carefully pick places to visit.
It seems you have everything you need and want exactly where you are. If the idea doesn't appeal to you say so and stick to your guns and don't be swayed. Your DH has restless feet maybe suggest a short trip elsewhere rather than Portugal.
My friends DH has developed depression after retirement. He is obsessed about going on holiday. They appear to be living out of a suitcase most of the time. I personally would not put up with it but that's me.
I hope you can come to a compromise that will suit you both.

LemonJam Firstly I would simply suggest responding along the lines- "thats an interesting idea, have you looked into it in detail- would be good to find out what that would involve, the pros and cons etc. Why do you feel life would be better in Portugal- is there anything you would miss here in the UK?. What about healthcare access and costs as we age". Then leave it with him- he may or may not put in the effort to find out all the detail, list his pros and cons etc. If not the idea will simply wane as he is not sufficiently motivated

If your husband subsequently mentions the idea again- simple answer along the lines " have you looked into the detail yet and listed all the pros and cons" i.e. broken record technique- its his idea after all.

Excellent advice. Also holiday in Portugal several times a year. It is a lovely country, but I believe I'd find it hard to live there permanently.

ATM your husband just has this idea in his head and he's talking about wanting to go and live in Portugal. Nothing more really. Possibly a pipe dream of wanting a different life because he's disappointed in his early retirement experience?

Firstly I would simply suggest responding along the lines- "thats an interesting idea, have you looked into it in detail- would be good to find out what that would involve, the pros and cons etc. Why do you feel life would be better in Portugal- is there anything you would miss here in the UK?. What about healthcare access and costs as we age". Then leave it with him- he may or may not put in the effort to find out all the detail, list his pros and cons etc. If not the idea will simply wane as he is not sufficiently motivated

If your husband subsequently mentions the idea again- simple answer along the lines " have you looked into the detail yet and listed all the pros and cons" i.e. broken record technique- its his idea after all.

IF at any stage in the future he does look into things and brings written detail, a plan, pros and cons THEN you sit down together and discuss. For you clearly state what it is in your current life that you enjoy and value and why you fear losing that if you moved to Portugal. The pros and cons then become a joint effort. If you really don't want to go- you then clearly state your reasons why.

PinkCosmos
It’s still a thing We often park the motohome near the beach at Estepona. It’s a proper working town, not just a tourist spot.
We often have English people who are there for the winter coming over to have a chat.
There is an English estate agent on the front.
What people do is book into a hotel ( cheap as chips in the winter) for a week and then go to the estate agent.
Don’t book while you are still in the uk. That’s the best option for you and your husband.

Graphite

^He seems very unsettled since he retired. His days seem without purpose. He says he hates gardening and doesn't really do DIY. He is not a reader and has one hobby which takes him out for the day.^

In a nutshell, he’s bored and needs more to occupy him. There’s more to life than gardening and DIY. And while moving anywhere can be a new lease of life, he’s underestimating the challenge of moving to a new country where English is not the first language. It’s one thing being able to order a couple of beers on holiday. It's quite another trying to speak to a plumber about unblocking a drain or getting someone out to fix the roof. If he doesn’t do DIY, that will be the reality.

You don’t say what his one hobby is but is it one where he enjoys talking to other enthusiasts? In that case, language could present a barrier and reduce his enjoyment of the one the thing he does like to go out to do.

It’s a very common problem for men to feel lost when they retire from paid work. I doubt he will feel any less lost if you move abroad, in fact, he could feel a lot worse and you will have given up so much for his silly pipe dream.

I remember staying in a friend’s apartment in Mijas (southern Spain) many years ago. It was a lovely complex overlooking a golf course but seemed very sparsely populated in summer, like a ghost town. It was so quiet, we drove into Fuengirola most days just to see some life or explored further along the coast. The woman next door was a widow from north west England. She explained she and her husband had sold up to move there and been happy. Then he died suddenly leaving her alone and short of money. She said she couldn’t afford to move back to England. She could neither speak Spanish nor drive which left her dependent on taxis which she could only afford to use sparingly. She talked and talked and talked as if she hadn’t spoken to anyone in months. I felt very sorry for her. Don’t let yourself be talked into a situation where you could end up in the same boat.

I think this would be the case - he won't feel any less lost if we moved abroad.

I would worry about ending up like the lady in Mijas

Tenko

Do either he or you have an Irish passport?
If so , great, you’re good to go . If you have a British one, you’re subject to the 90 days rule . Unless you get residency which is expensive.
Ideally you need to spend some time over there exploring the areas you want to move to. And when you find somewhere, rent first before buying .
Never plow all your money into a property overseas . Buy a smaller property in the uk or wherever you live . I know a number of retirees who’ve wanted to move back if one of them is seriously ill or has died .
OP you obviously don’t want to move , but could you rent for 3-4 months . Your AC could come out to visit , also friends.
A friend of mine has spent 3 months in Spain during the winter, to get a feel for the area she likes . This is with a view to moving there.

Both our grandparents were Irish so I don't know whether we would qualify for an Irish passport.

Many years ago it seemed to be a thing for British older people to go to stay in Spain for the winter. I think hotels did special deals. An uncle of mine did this. It was 40-odd years ago though.

There is no way I would buy overseas. It is too complicated.

I would also worry about our health as we got older. Fortunately, we are both in good health at the moment, but who knows what is round the corner

I would consider renting an apartment for 4-6 weeks twice a year.

PinkCosmos
The couple I mentioned lived in a Park Home in the UK before they moved to Spain. It was lovely, in a lovely setting. However, when they wanted to move back the prices had gone up so much they could not afford the same back here.
I don't know what happened to them.

Tell him to go to Portugal ànd you stay put. We only have one life!

Witzend

*Allira*, we had friends like that. Moved to Spain ‘for good’ but after several years serious health problems brought them back to the U.K. Property prices in their former area, where their adult children were, had soared, and it took a couple of years for their Spanish to sell - for only about what they’d originally paid for it.
If not for the death of a parent, and inheriting her house, they’d have been in trouble - rents of anywhere passable also having shot up.

To anyone contemplating such a move, I’d say FGS keep a bolthole in the U.K. - just in case!

I know a few people who have done the same. A friend's mother bought an apartment in Spain. Used it a few times but never moved there permanently. It took, literally, years to sell it and at a huge discount.

A couple my parents knew sold up moved to Spain to retire. They had been there on holiday several times. They lasted six months and then came home. They said it was 'too foreign'. They ended up living in a Park Home - which is basically a posh caravan. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think it was the outcome they expected

I work full time so spend most of my weekend washing, cleaning, shopping etc

Why?
If your husband has retired why does he not take on some of these tasks? He might then be less bored and it would free up your time at the weekends so you could go out together, explore the lovely area where you live, join the National Trust etc.

I think he's suffering from inertia and needs a force to change his velocity!

If he doesn’t want paid work, how about volunteering for maybe one day a week? Our local charity shops are always asking for volunteers.

Thank you Lucky Girl for your detailed response.

He would fall at the first hurdle if it was up to him to organise any of this. As you say, you can't escape from yourself.

I think it is boredom or slight depression that is causing him to feel this way. He has given up one of his hobbies supposedly because of his bad back. He always used to criticise me for having no hobbies i.e. hobbies based around sport. My hobbies are more home based e.g. reading, craft, gardening etc.

He doesn't look for things do do around the home as a project but he has always been like this.

I am a bit of a loner and don't have loads of friends. When I ever retire, I would join groups and volunteer. I doubt my DH would do this even though he is a more sociable than me.

DH has always been a glass half full kind of person so this low mood is unusual for him. I have suggested he get a part time job but he says he has worked for long enough. He also seems to be less confident. His hearing isn't great so I have to say everything three times, which is very frustrating. His eyes aren't great so he is squinting at everything. He has hearing aids that he won't wear. He also has reading glasses which he always forgets to have with him. I think he is frightened of being old and feels like time is running out

He seems very unsettled since he retired. His days seem without purpose. He says he hates gardening and doesn't really do DIY. He is not a reader and has one hobby which takes him out for the day.

In a nutshell, he’s bored and needs more to occupy him. There’s more to life than gardening and DIY. And while moving anywhere can be a new lease of life, he’s underestimating the challenge of moving to a new country where English is not the first language. It’s one thing being able to order a couple of beers on holiday. It's quite another trying to speak to a plumber about unblocking a drain or getting someone out to fix the roof. If he doesn’t do DIY, that will be the reality.

You don’t say what his one hobby is but is it one where he enjoys talking to other enthusiasts? In that case, language could present a barrier and reduce his enjoyment of the one the thing he does like to go out to do.

It’s a very common problem for men to feel lost when they retire from paid work. I doubt he will feel any less lost if you move abroad, in fact, he could feel a lot worse and you will have given up so much for his silly pipe dream.

I remember staying in a friend’s apartment in Mijas (southern Spain) many years ago. It was a lovely complex overlooking a golf course but seemed very sparsely populated in summer, like a ghost town. It was so quiet, we drove into Fuengirola most days just to see some life or explored further along the coast. The woman next door was a widow from north west England. She explained she and her husband had sold up to move there and been happy. Then he died suddenly leaving her alone and short of money. She said she couldn’t afford to move back to England. She could neither speak Spanish nor drive which left her dependent on taxis which she could only afford to use sparingly. She talked and talked and talked as if she hadn’t spoken to anyone in months. I felt very sorry for her. Don’t let yourself be talked into a situation where you could end up in the same boat.

Selling your house would be burning a potentially useful bridge, PinkCosmos.
Would it be feasible to rent somewhere for a while to have an " adventure" together? You can then decide whether the complications of learning a language, dealing with the legalization, and missing the family are what you both want .
If you decide yes, you have done the initial reconnaissance, if no, you can return back to your home.

It doesn’t really matter how easy it is or isn’t, you don’t want to go.

In order to move anywhere, whether here or abroad, you both have to be in the same page, or it’s a non starter.

Just tell him very clearly that you are not considering it.

Do go out there for the 5-6 weeks, that might seal it for him.

Good luck

Flippin2

When I met my husband he told me that when he retired he wanted to live in Spain,I told him then that I wasn't the woman for him,I had children and grandchildren and I suffer from prickly heat so no way was I going to live permanently covered in calamine lotion ! We're still together having moved to the east coast, family visit regularly and would you believe it my prickly heat isn't that bad when the sun shines 😉 On the serious side you have to make your feelings known and as others have said he'll still be him

We actually live in a holiday destination. It is lovely. We have been here for 20 years now.

He needs to appreciate what is on his own doorstep.

I think he is just bored since he retired. He is also envious of his friend (who is on benefits) who goes to Portugal for six weeks twice a year. This friend is single and has no ties.

We used to go out at the weekend but since his hobby takes up one of those days we don't go out much anymore. I work full time so spend most of my weekend washing, cleaning, shopping etc. We have a lovely garden to sit in, weather permitting

He did suggest using our National Trust membership more. We have had it for almost 20 years and don't use it much anymore as we feel we have been to most of the ones within striking distance of where we live. I did suggest going further afield to visit other NT properties and staying overnight somewhere.

M0nica

If he leaves all the administration to you, just do not bother to do it.

Insist of keeping a property in the UK in case anything drastic happens when in Portugal and you have to return to the UK. sell your house here and you will only be able to afford to rent if you return.

You need to learn the language. Would your DH do that?

I would just sit stumm, say nothing committing, do not begin to take any action that might facilitate a move. If he can be lazy and dilatory, so can you.

I agree 100% with Monica.

He keeps going on and on about it but I know that all of the organising, finance and admin will fall to me as usual. I just don't really take him on when he starts going on about it.

There is no way he would earn the language. He is dyslexic

Please don't sell up. You still have a job. Stay here and if he wants to go, living on next to nothing, good luck to him. As others have said, allow him to do the paperwork (or not).