Childminding by grandmothers

My first granddaughter was born when I was 50, full time working, so did what I could for my single mum daughter. I took my granddaughter from 7 am every weekday, deposited her at nursery and collected her at 4.30 pm. Then I had her overnight from 6 pm on Friday night until lunchtime Saturday. When her sister arrived I would collect her from nursery and keep her for tea a few days a week. It was a lovely time for us all, but I rarely did full days of care for them. 28 years later I still do minimal grandma duties for my youngest granddaughter - I relocated 160 miles so I could collect her from nursery, cook her tea, play games for a few hours once or twice a week. I would infrequently babysit while my son and his wife went out. My granddaughter is now 14 and we have a lovely relationship, with her being a lovely help to me. I was never ASKED to do the child care, I volunteered for it, probably because when I had my 4 children I received no family help as we lived hundreds of miles away. There is no way that at my age, almost 78, that I would be able to do more than a morning or afternoon childminding, it wouldn't be fair on the child or me. Your grandchild will have a much better day in a professional nursery, where they will be interacting with other children, having stimulating play activities with their assigned nursery staff. Do not feel guilty about refusing to be a carer, offer what you can, babysitting once a fortnight or whatever you can safely do. I think that your son/daughter have been incredibly cheeky to ask this huge undertaking, and I note that you say UNPAID too, that's definitely taking the Michael.

Jules777 - you're not being unreasonable at all. In fact, considering all the circumstances you're being very sensible in assessing the risks and this is where I think you should start a conversation with your son and dil. It's obvious you feel torn, you've outlined all your reasoning as if you're obliged to care for the grandchild and you're trying to provide extenuating circumstances for refusing BUT seriously, if you feel they're put out by your decision it would seem important to challenge them in a gentle way and explain the difference between you on your own and the other, younger grandparents as a pair. Tell them that you don't want to cause friction at all and that you want to be in your grandchild's life. Maybe you could identify how, perhaps have the child one day a week and at your house so you don't have to negotiate the difficult staircase and can arrange furniture to suit. I think it's hard for you, especially if you do want a relationship with your grandchild, so perhaps at this stage you talk openly with your son and dil about how best to achieve this. Good luck.

I am 10 years younger than you, and married. We have our grandchild to stay occasionally and only for a day or two. It's exhausting! One forgets how much attention a small child needs. It impossible to just switch off for 5 minutes and have a cup of tea. We love our grandchild and love to see her but we also expect to be able to take off for a few days when the mood takes us and not to be tied down to childcare!

I'm 74 and until two years ago used to take my youngest grandchildren to school every day and collect them three days a week whilst my daughter went to work.
I did find it a struggle, getting up at 6.45 to give them breakfast before taking them to school at 8am by bus, followed by a 15 minute walk. Fortunately my daughter realised that I was finding it exhausting and now does it herself, only asking me when she can't work from home in her new job.
I would have found it very hard to tell her that I couldn't do it, and am relieved that she came to that conclusion herself.
It's much better to tell them now Jules777 rather than start to do it and realised you'll have to tell them you can't manage.

You are being very realistic in assessing your ability to undertake the childminding, you should not feel guilty in the slightest. Whilst you may feel honoured to be asked, you are entitled to say, no. Sure you will help out in emergencies or even if family want a day/evening out.

I’m 78, and did a fair bit of grandchild care, sometimes having three staying at the same time, and driving them around too. I couldn’t face the responsibility of it now. I wouldn’t dream of driving two of them home - a 150 mile journey, which I used to do. Luckily, they’re now 21,19,18,16 and 12!

The OP's son and d.i.l. both have well paid jobs Dempie; there's no blow to be softened. They've asked and she's said no.

100% you are right to say no. Far too much responsibility at 76. To soften the blow, I would offer to pay for ONE day of nursery care, if you can afford it.

.

P.S. Forgot to say that whenever the child was not well then the parent would drive to the child's house and look after her there from 8:00am to 6:30pm. No payments (I doubt that they would have accepted anyway( but she was generous to them at Christmas and birthdays.

She wouldn't stay home even though our Company was very flexible and committed to doing all they could to enable smooth and easy family lives (Merchant Bank - when they were run by decent people, not as now!!). My colleague would just say "No way can I stay home, too exhausting. I'm still recovering from the weekend"!!
.

Monica is correct. Parents have no right to expect GPs to take on childcare. You are not being unreasonable. Your son and DIL are unreasonable for being put out by your decision! I had my GC for one day a week, I made it very clear I would only do more in an emergency. I am now 77 and there is no way I would do one day a week now let alone 2 !!!!!
This is one of my pet gripes on GN !
I ' hear ' this so often and it infuriates me. Their child their full responsibility.
You will be 76 by then and expected to take care of THEIR child for 2 days - ridiculous. Stick to your guns and I sincerely hope your son / DIL, come to their senses!!!!
Your life to enjoy now. IMO two days childcare from you is simply not sensible. How would the childs parents feel if their child had an accident in your care , toddlers need watching all the time. Protect yourself and your GC by continuing to say NO ! Parents must pay for professional child care and not expect you to do it. Do not feel guilty because the other GPs have agred to do it. In time they may wish they had' nt! Very difficult by then to back out. Good luck.

I looked after my DGD 2 days a week when DD went back to work when she was 8 mths old. I was early 60's at the time and had offered to help. DGD went to a childminder the other 3 days. I loved every minute of it and we had a great time together. Then there was a pause because of Covid and DD's maternity leave with DGS after which DGD was at pre-school full time and we looked after DGS 2 days a week instead until he went to pre-school at 3 (I say we as DH had by then retired so we both went). Since then we have covered some school
holiday care but the kids are 8 and 5 now and I am beginning to say it is becoming a bit too much for us. I am now 70 and DH is nearly 80 with stage 4 prostate cancer. I think it has been a bit of a shock to DD to realise that we are getting older - she says that whilst in her head she knows how old we are she doesn't see us as being 'old' (which I suppose is a compliment really) I don't think younger people do realise how it feels to be older and being more easily tired etc as of course they haven't experienced it. We still see them all a lot and of course we will still 'babysit' occasionally and be available in an emergency but DD will be booking them into holiday clubs this summer which is a bit of a relief!

.

3-hours travelling. You're a saint.
.

.

Surely they can only want what is best for their child? It is obvious that you do not think it is the child's best interest to have yourself in full responsibility especially with the added hazards of their home and garden, irrespective of any age related lack of agility.

Just as they tootle off back to their places of work their child will be beginning to walk and will be into absolutely everything. You need to be 100% alert and on top of the game at all times.

I do so wish that young parents would sort out their lifestyles before they commit to having a child that they'll rarely see.

I worked with a girl who had a little daughter. She'd drop her off at her parents at 7:45 am for breakfast on the way to the office. She'd then collect her at 6:30 on her way home - the parents having fed her. She just had to bathe her, change her into her jimjams and read her a bedside story. An hour tops and the rest of the evening to herself.

Her mother did all the ironing - delivered in the mornings with the child!! She'd say, "But I do all the washing"!! Yes, scrubbing away for hours on a washboard or in the automatic machine and tumble-drier?!!!

This regime went on all through infant and junior school which the parents would transport her to and from. For Senior School the regime re breakfast and supper continued but there was a School bus that collected and returned her to near the Grandparent's house.

I used to think "Goodness. How on earth does Sue cope". Silly me. A few years later I had my first child and quickly realised that 'going out to work' was far easier than looking after and entertaining a small child full time.

(But, I must add, eventually much more satisfying and far better for the child).

Too late now, but if you don't make it clear now then goodness help you if they have a second child.

You say they both have good jobs and maybe, perhaps, one could work part-time? And maybe, perhaps, they could both start acting like committed parents.

Stand your ground. You are NOT in the wrong. They are.
.

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

Yes!

I was exhausted by the end of a day looking after my granddaughter- I was only in my 60s, very fit, with no health problems- I couldn’t contemplate it in my 70s - I think you have made the right decision for yourself- maybe you could say you would hopefully be available to help out in an emergency (if you feel you could manage it)

I think you know your own limitations and did the right thing to refuse. Childcare should surely have been something the parents thought about before having a baby.
I do think however that maybe you might explain your reasons in detail to the parents (if you haven't already) in order to try avoid any ill feeling. I also think you need to be aware that the other grandparents will now be the main 'go to' whenever needed so you might want to think about how you can maintain steady contact with your grandchild.

It’s their child. They should take care of it.

You're not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. It seems these days that couples have babies with the expectation that grandparents will step in to offer free child care. No, factor in whether you can afford childcare before starting a family. I've been tied to helping out for the last 8 years as my daughter and her ex separated when granddaughter was 3. His side if the family do very little. My granddaughter goes to high school in September and as much as I love her I'm looking forward to having my time back for me and spending time with her as a nana nit a childminder.

I’m nearly 67 and a Registered Childminder, but I too at your age would say no. I anticipate retiring fully in another 2-3 years and will definitely be running down how many children my DH (he is my registered assistant) and I will be caring for from now on. We have already reduced a bit. I have been childminding for nearly 31 years and have 4 grandchildren who we still care for regularly after school and it is hard work on top of the other children we have. With the funded hours that are now available it does help to reduce the childcare bill, although if they earn too much they might not qualify for that funding.

I look after my nearly 2 year old grandson one day a week. I am 70 now and at the end of the day I am completely exhausted.
My daughter works 4 days a week, grandson goes to Nursery 2 days, I have him one and other Grandma 1 day.
I said that was all I was prepared to do but I am constantly having to get him from Nursery as he either has a temperature, rash or been sick. I dread the phone ringing.
Unfortunately the other Grandma doesn’t drive!

No. I am the same age as you. I feel healthy but lifting and carry a 9 month old at nearly 8 kgs is something different plus the fact of stairs. You are not being unreasonable.

One thing I’d add, IMO tiredness/exhaustion from unaccustomed childcare (when you’re getting on a bit!) can have other consequences.

When Gds was still only 4 months old, , he developed a bad case of bronchiolitis that put him in the ICU, sedated, tube fed, and on oxygen, for a week.

I was no longer doing regular childcare, but was still willing for one offs/emergencies. Dd naturally enough wanted to stay with Gds in hospital, so I went to look after Gdd, still under 2. She was a very good little girl, no trouble, but I was still frankly knackered after 5 days.

Went home feeling like a wet rag, promptly got a stinking cold, which was followed almost immediately by shingles.

I still put it down to my immune system being lowered through sheer exhaustion.

I’m 69 and have 2 grandchildren aged 7 and 4, I ve looked after both of them from birth up to now 1 to 2 days per week and they ve gone to nursery for the other days or mum and dad arrange their hours to accommodate childcare on the days they re not at school/nursery, it’s worked for us so far but I d be lying if I said it was easy, it’s hard and tiring especially when they were little and sore on the back and arms rocking little ones off to sleep,it’s much easier now they re older and I ll miss the little one when he starts school in September ( I’m actually looking after him today). You can only do what you feel capable of and may just be enough to say that you ll be there in case of emergencies, they shouldn’t be expecting you to be providing free childcare at the expense of your health

Parents have to meet certain criteria to be eligible for the 30 hours of childcare - it's not offered across the board.

I’m nearly 67 and looked after my first grandson for one day a week when my daughter returned to a 3 day working week. The other two days, he went to nursery. In order for my daughter to manage her 2 hr commute, it meant me rising at 5am, drive to her house so she could leave at 7am. During the winter months when it was dark, cold and sometimes icy, I hated it. I also caught the bugs children catch at nursery and often had a chest infection.
It was also very tiring doing a 12 hr day.

The second grandchild has arrived and my daughter returns to work later this year. I’ve not been asked yet, but I will have to say no. Its too much and arthritis doesnt help, so he will have to go to nursery instead.
I do believe they now get 30hrs free childcare, so this is something your DIL
should look in to.
Its hard to say no, but you also have to consider your wellbeing. You dont want to get to the point where you may dread it.