89 year old bed bound mother

You've done well to keep her with you to now....guilt is a wasted emotion....and you've nothing to feel guilty for ....this is your time ....enjoy it 💐

You need to get hospital social worker involved. Could you manage with carers at home?
Yes can certainly relate to your dilemma.
We put dad in three different homes, but for reason or another, we ended up bringing him home to nurse. He died at home with my mum, so worked out for them.

You were right to say how you feel to the hospital. Is there a hospital care manager involved? Did your mother have care at home privately or via social services when she lived with you.? If not contact SS to discuss and coukd be arranged which would ease your workload.
Has Attendance allowance been applied for to help with extra costs?

You may have done this already but if not it might help to talk things through with someone who can explain the options.
It’s always hard when a parent has to go into a home and we all feel guilty, you are not alone.

Thank you for your reply it was much needed

please don't feel guilty, if your mum needs more care than you are able to provide, you are doing what's best for all of you by finding a good care home. that way she'll be getting looked after by more than one person, and they will only be looking after her for some hours and then going home. you will also be able to visit as often as you want, and not be stressed.

Thank you 🙏

Nothing to be guilty about at all. Your mum will be well looked after and you can enjoy being with her without all the attendant stress.

Do not feel guilty, you are not a health professional and from what you’ve said, your DM needs professional care.
It is hard when an adult child has to be responsible and make decisions for their parents.
Sending you best wishes, take care of yourself.

You shared your home with her & looked after her well up till now. Give yourself some slack for that, which is more than most of us do.
Dementia is a great guilt-creator. The disease makes it harder to be a good carer & get that re-inforcement that you're doing a good job. No-one has limitless patience, but they are our loved ones & we feel guilty for not being able to cope with them. I'm feeling the same at the moment, so sending love.

Yep, can totally relate to that.

I looked hard at myself and decided that it was better that I felt guilty rather than increasingly resentful. If you can look yourself in the eye and say ‘I’m doing my best, and what I believe to be right for all of us’ then there is no need to feel guilty.

I hope it works out for all three of you.

Your mum is unwell. She has chronic, ongoing illnesses that need more expertise than you have. This is why she is in hospital and will need ongoing expertise in future.

There is no need to feel guilty. In fact you are doing what is the very best for her needs.

You would only need to feel guilty if for some reason you brought her home where she could not receive the care she needs. That would be wrong!

Now you can spend time with her as mum and daughter, knowing that her medical needs are being met.

💐

Thank you

Sadly there comes a point when one person can no longer meet all the needs of an elderly person with multiple health problems and especially with dementia. Your mum is 89 and you've done a wonderful job looking after her for so long. I've been there and there's no real way around the guilt, no matter how much you've done for your mum it's one of the most horrible decisions to have to make but your mum wouldn't want you to destroy your health trying to continue sole care. Visit your mum as often as you can and enjoy being her daughter again without all the responsibilities of caring. Wishing you and your mum all the best,

I looked after my mother for 2 years. I was late 60s -70 and she was in her 90s. I was so stressed that my hair kept falling out. One morning I suffered such dizziness that I couldn’t get out of bed. We had 3 carers per day but I was always “on call” and could not relax or sleep properly. Eventually Mum went to my brother where she eventually died. I would never do it again. However this was partly because Mum treated me as if I was 40 and thought I was capable of everything. She was quite selfish really and demanding. If you look after your mother it will be very hard. Nobody will blame you for putting her in a home at your age as you are not young yourself. She will be in good hands and will welcome your visits. Good luck.

Thinking of you doxford I know I'd feel the same but you will eventually feel reconciled to it.

Just having her in hospital probably feels like a relief I would think - in spite of the worry.


Visit some care homes, find out about the options and you may feel more accepting.

Yes, I did this, and still feel guilty sometimes, but you know the guilt is just because you care about her. My DM had a better quality of life in the care home with frailty and dementia than she was beginning to have with me, so it was definitely the right choice. It wasn’t because she was a difficult person, although she was constantly worried and upset due to the dementia, nor because I wanted to ‘enjoy life’. It was because I was so worried for both of us physically and mentally. You’ve come to this decision because it is the right one for both of you going forward. Trust yourself.
I would just warn you not to let Social Services change your mind, definitely do not let them persuade you to let her come back to your care ‘temporarily’ to free a hospital bed - looking after her will only become more difficult for you. Try to find a care home for her that you like before they decide where to send her - you will probably find they send her to the cheapest when you could ‘top up’ by a quite a small amount to get a suitable home for her near you. In DM’s last months she was cared for 24 hours a day, comfortable and as happy as she could be with friends and activities. I couldn’t have given her that. I really feel for you now, it’s such an upsetting, horrible, necessary decision to make, but you will become your DM’s daughter again rather than her carer.

You are a good daughter and person. You're doing the right thing. Your mother will get the care you cannot provide on your own and you can visit and ensure that happens. My daughter told me twenty years ago, that she wouldn't care for me or anyone. Her friends mother had Alzheimer's in her fifties and the family was brilliant, she had four children and one or the other tried to visit her every day if they could and my d said they were mad.
You truly care so you should never feel guilt.
So many lovely daughters on here. It must be lovely to be a mother whose daughter cares for her.

Not a daughter but a niece, with an even older aunt. After two serious falls , and living alone we eventually, with as you say, a lot of guilt placed my aunt in a care home.
And that is exactly what it is. They have given her the care I couldn’t and she has blossomed.She still has health problems but they are managed extremely well, and she is happy. Best thing we could have done for her really…but I do understand, and still feel a bit guilty that I could not have her with me.

It's exhausting caring for someone, especially when their mental faculties have gone. You must put your own health first.

I second everything justwokeup said, especially about social services they’ll do everything they can to save money. They tried to put my mum into an assisted living complex when I knew full well it wasn’t suitable, turns out it was to save money as it’s a different budget for the care home.
They also made me feel terrible for not wanting mum at home. They suggested all sorts of ways I could manage working, looking after my DGC DH and my home without a care about what it was doing to me.
Stick to your guns you’ve made the right decision for everyone. Good luck

You can’t help but feel guilty Doxford I ve been there and people can say it’s a wasted emotion until they are blue in the face how ever much you do it will always be the negatives you remember
My Nan had vascular dementia and I looked after her in my home for three years whilst bringing up three children… and then about 25 years on my mum had Alzheimer’s we kept her in her own home with Dad and carers and my help for some years but she got worse Dad had a breakdown and needed a hospital rest I was working full time helping with two small grandkids whose Daddy had died and I couldn’t juggle it any more ( I was on my own, divorced, with no siblings) eventually she went into a home she lived there ( not happily) for seven years I visited her every day after work Dad visited a couple of times a week by taxi (I don’t drive) She and Dad died 6 months apart It broke me for a while it was12 years ago and still today I beat myself up thinking why didn’t I do this, why didn’t I say that, it will stay with me for ever however much people tell me it’s an useless emotion

Take care and take comfort from the fact that you ve done all you could for your mum doxford 💐

Yes. You have done, without a doubt, the best thing for her and you. She has got to the stage of needing professional nursing care. Unless, you want to kill yourself literally in the process, she must go into a care home. You have done all you can for her in the home situation. It will only get worse and more intense. Use this opportunity to put your health and life first. No one will thank you for being the 'good' one. Do you have siblings? Even if you do, your mother is under your care and you MUST think of your self first. When she is in a care home, you may possibly have to forfeit inheritance, you can visit her as a daughter knowing she has the best professional nursing care she can have and she is in the right place. The situation just gets worse and when the final time comes, you will be soooooooooo exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, that you won't be able to meet the end of her life as you and she would wish and also you will live with the legacy of the caring for the rest of your life. It is not something you come back from. I did it for ten years for both my parents and, in the end, the social worker said to me they have to go into a care home or you will kill yourself. Inheritance and martyrdom are worth nothing when you can't even be aware of the rest of your own life. Sorry to be so blunt but it is still taking me to recover and my parents died ten years ago. No day goes by without me feeling high anxiety, being aware of every 'care' situation. Please, for yourself and your family. You can all go and visit her regularly and be a family together. All the best.

doxford, a care home has staff which rotate, so your mother can have twenty four hour care from people who have had time off, sufficient sleep, and training in care. You cannot offer these things.
Please take pride that you have done so well for so long, and seek help in finding somewhere safe for your mother, where you can visit and give her your best time and attention when you are not worn out. Good luck.

Duxford, I have been in your situation. My lovely Mum lived with us for over 3years. I had no intention of placing her in a card home, but .................
Dementia set in , she was then hospitalised and to my horror I realised I was not looking forward to her coming home. I finally acknowledged that I was very very tired physically and emotionally. We found a nursing home.
Remember if your Mum goes into care you have not given up your carers role, you will still be overseeing her care, the bonus being , you can visit whenever you like and leave whenever you like . If Mum was ok I would stay and share cake and tea with her or take her out in her wheelchair to a local cafe . If she was grumpy and unable to respond in a positive way I had the freedom to return home and recharge before my next visit.
Try not feel guilty! Guilty serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad. One last thing if you are not happy with the care your Mum receives - move her, we did. Also bear in mind that even though she may have dementia there may well be an element of truth in what she tells you so never completely dismiss what she says.
I wish you both well , good luck. 🌼💐