Husband does so much without me.

Sit down, talk all this through ,tell him exactly how you feel dont hold back. f he's not prepared to change, well clearly your marriage is in a dreadful state.

Thank you all for your useful input. I had a word with him this morning about how I feel. Specifically that I don't want him to stop doing his activities, but that I would like us to spend more time doing things together. He didn't say much. He tends to mull things over. Let's see if things change. I'm very grateful to everyone who has responded.

It's understandable to feel left out when your partner spends a lot of time on his own interests. Communication is key; sharing how you feel and exploring new activities together, whether that's a class or a weekly outing, could help you reconnect.
It's also important that you both have some individual hobbies to maintain your own identities while still nurturing your relationship.

I retired before DH, and had an active social life. Got myself volunteering, was still running a guide unit, and started occasional work at the college. Then he retired....

He is very clingy and while he has drifted into doing much less, he expects me to do likewise. So I am envious.

Perhaps your DH is frightened to let go. Perhaps a talk about retirement planning with him?

I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to want her husband to spend some time with her. She is not suggesting he gives up all his interests but I think anyone would feel a bit upset about virtually never spending any leisure time with their partner.

I think, as others have said, the OP needs to tell her husband how she feels, not in an accusatory way (that is likely to cause a row) but to let him know that she would like to spend at least a little more time with him. Given that they are still enjoying a close physical relationship, it may well be that he just hasn't considered that his wife feels abandoned.

Good luck Nadinevillage. I hope things get better for you.

Astitchintime, she only posted two days ago, so is probably waiting for the right time. Please let us know the outcome Nadinevillage, having asked the question AIBU? Hope to hear from you soon.

I’d anyone else wondering of Nadinevillage has actually spoken to her DH yet? Just saying……….

My husband I have a balance that works for us. Similar to you we have an age gap - he's 62 and I'm 67. I have a bit less energy than him these days. We do things apart - him: football, table tennis, photography, gigs I'm not interested in. Me: art, garden shows, ballet. But we also do lots of things together: cinema, live gigs, festivals, family events, eating out. Often on a Saturday we'll just go and mooch about somewhere together - look round the shops, have lunch, visit beauty spots or a riverside or interesting buildings. Last week we did Chester and this week it was Gloucester. Yesterday night we went to the cinema to see 'The Roses' - I'd highly recommend it to any couple in a relationship that's going a bit stale!

What did you do together when you were first a couple? Maybe you could revive something of that. You might not even have to have a 'serious' conversation at first - you could try just organising a cinema outing or a meal out. Or even say 'there's a film on Netflix I think we'd both enjoy', and get a takeaway and some wine in to make it a special evening. Or just say 'let's have a day out somewhere nice'.

It sounds like you have a lovely warm relationship, you perhaps just need to create a few more opportunities to enjoy each other's company.

Tell him how you feel.

keepingquiet

A busy husband who is out of the house most of the time? Sounds like the perfect marriage to me!

Find things you enjoy and get out and do them!

That’s sad 😥

I would suggest that you are both have to think about how things can change. The thought that he will be retiring at some point in the future, may be something that is now becoming a thing that may not have been thought about a great deal by either of you. Also it does sound that you are quite depressed in general. So I think you could first of all try and see what you can do to change your own life. Look back and see if there was something you enjoyed doing in the past , but that you no longer do for what ever reason. I agree that swimming would be very good to consider. It is something that helps me physically, but also mentally, as I nearly always feel better for having gone , and also if you make that a regular thing, then you dont have to decide - shall I go swimming? because it becomes something that happens on tuesdays or whatever. You then meet other new people swimming and sometimes this can lead on to other things or having coffee together. If you can do something like that or gardening or whatever appeals then you begin to get your own interests and so will not notice or rather will not resent what your husband does with his time. If you can sort some things for yourself first, then you can find a time when you can talk with your husband about what might change when he retires, but not in a negative way. More looking at what you may now be able to do, such as travelling for a longer period of time and not having to cram things into a 2 or 3 week patch. So you might write down a list of anything as it comes to your mind, of possible things you might enjoy together. You could perhaps suggest that you have a couple of long weekends doing something together, whether it is a small course that you might take together or visiting somewhere that you have always said you wanted to go to but not yet visited.

I do think that finding out what you like doing and looking up any courses that are all starting at this time of year, so you might go away for a weeks course in whatever you fancy. You will learn something, meet new people, and come home with something interesting to talk about . You can take some time trying out things before you really get into talking about how you both see the future happening. You may still be able to be happy with each other doing your own thing, but sharing time together too.

If very sadly you actually find you either have nothing to share and enjoy any longer, and you literally have no life to share at all then it may be that you decide that it would be better to split up and live your own lives but you could then part in an amicable way and still keep in touch. To me that would not be what I would want, but far far better than having a totally miserable life, where every day is lonely and no one is able to enjoy anything. But this is something that only you can decide. At the moment, starting to enjoy your own life more , meeting friends, go and see an art gallery, go off to the cinema or whatever. Sort of think that you are giving yourself a little holiday for a fortnight and dont feel guilty about doing the things you want to, go for a walk, wear the clothes that you keep for best , stick a pin in a map and drive to a new place you have never visited. Even if you come back from something thinking never again , you have still made an effort and often you will then think I would rather have done X , so that will show you where you might go next. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find a better way of life.

Your treated more like a house keeper in away then a wife
Not much of a marriage, we’re in our 70s but still have date nights.
It’s nice sometimes to do your own thing but this does sound like a very dead marriage, not another woman is there?

I know how you feel, my husband works & has a hobby that can easily take up all his time.
I think that you should have a chat to explain how you’re feeling and come up with a routine where you know there are regular times together; either at home or going out so that you feel more included / special.
Separate interests are great but you need to do things together too.

You should try having a similar kind of schedule. Fill your day, evening, weekends doing anything at all out of the house mainly when he is at home or overlapping. He may hopefully notice you are missing now and again. Who does the shopping, cooking, washing etc? If you are too busy to do all of those tasks just tell him he will need to do for himself or at least share the tasks. No wonder you feel lonely, you do not seem to be part of DHs life.

Well Nadinevillage I love my own space and wish my husband were busier, but it does sound as if you and your husband are apart rather a lot and the bottom line is you are not happy. It's perfectly reasonable not to be happy and to talk about this. Quite probably the discrepancy between what you have in terms of time together and what you would like is not that great, but because it's been going on for a while the feeling of being neglected has grown. I hope a few gentle words will sort this for you.

But that doesn't help someone whose husband appears to have a lot of interests that don't include her does it yogagran.

Some of us would be very happy if our husbands had, even one interest 😔

Why don’t you go to the work social things?

Until I read that you sleep in the same bed and enjoy cuddles and sex I was thinking that you and your husband are leading parallel lives .
I know a few women who do .
I think that it's healthy to have other interests , but you need to share something .together
You've told us how you feel ,but you need to tell your husband .

He's not retired, he goes to the gym, he cycles, he goes to work socials. Staying healthy and fit take a bit of time. Could you join him in gym or cycling? Perhaps walk together?

You're retired and 7 years older. Maybe find a joint activity?

Marriage is about having a good balance of doing things together and some separately as well. I haven’t retired but am self employed so I choose the hours I work so I fit in with my wife’s schedule.
We do about 3/4 of stuff together which seems to suit us both, others will find a different balance.

No you are not being unreasonable

"I think if you are married it's reasonable to want to spend time doing things together."

What about "I think if you are married it's normal to want to spend time doing things together." ?

Why not suggest a date night. Something different and to get dressed up for.

Your husband sounds like a man with a huge amount of physical energy Nadinevillage, my brother is very similar by the sounds of his activities. I think the best way to get him to spend more time with you isn’t to make him feel he should, because that energy is who he is, and he can’t change that. Is there an exercise related activity you could share, a challenge of some kind - walking a coast path over a number of weekends, an activity holiday where you each do your own thing during the day but are together the rest of the time. Even walking a dog together for an hour each morning?