Needy friend from the past trying to reconnect

Do what you feel is right. Are you responsible for this person's happiness or social life? Do you have a lot going on in your life? Personally, I just don't reply, block them, don't give them any air. They soon go elsewhere in search of what they need.

I had a bad experience at work and left.
I texted a woman I’d been fairly friendly with there shortly after to see if she wanted a coffee sometime. She responded very vaguely and didn’t suggest meeting up so I forgot about it and moved on.
Now after 7 years I get a text suggesting meeting up, she’s left that job.
I declined and then got all the “I’ve been so busy,” bereavement etc.
Too late.

Well this happened to me shortly after I came to Manchester as a mature student. I had a 15 year friendship but it broke up for reasons I have never been able to clarify. I tried hard to mend th friendship at the time but she would have none of it. This was years ago in the mid 1980s.

More recently I was reaching out to (very) old friends on social media. At 81 and with a serious liver complaint I feel I am nearing the end of my life and just wanted to touch base. Some of them I managed to connect with and we exchanged emails but nothing heavy. I found my old friend on Facebook and sent a brief "long time no see" message but that was all. She nevre replied.

Now my erstwhile friend has traced me through Pinterest/one of my online shops and has sent me more or less her life story. Its seems shes fallen on hard times (financially speaking) after a failed relationship. At this stage of my life I dont feel like getting sucked into to a heavy email exchange and so far I have not responded.

I just think of all the years she didnt want to bother with me, and how she rejected my attempts at reconciliation. I will leave it for the present and see if she attempts to make contact again. I believe this is called ghosting.

Sorry but I'd ignore her too. Don't they say you can never go backwards? Perhaps if you were meant to be closer friends, you would be already? This situation is obviously worrying you so why let it continue? Concentrate on those closest to you. Take care.

LadyGaga and Carmen, you both sound like lovely people. The kind that I would be happy to know.

Here’s another perspective.
I used to be friends with a woman I liked, our DD’s the same age and were friends too. Our children grew up and we still saw each other now and then, she still lives within a ten min drive from me.
I was seeing her for a coffee and chat maybe once a year, I had to do the organising of it and she was always affectionate when we met.I let it drift and she hasn’t contacted me for nearly two years now, it’s sad from my point of view but I have to let it go.
Sometimes a friendship just runs its course.
I have other friends, some don’t live anywhere near but when we do meet up it’s the same as ever and we text and phone the rest of the time.
So OP don’t feel bad for not reciprocating as it sounds like your friendship has also run its course.

I think it’s lovely she reached out, but if you know you don’t want to pick this back up, it’s okay to set a boundary. You can just say you’re really busy and don’t have the space to reconnect properly

Being kind is one thing, having boundaries is quite another.
From your post at 7.15... I think you should be clear and firm otherwise she will push and push.
Be strong!

Thanks all for your thoughts. It helped me clarify my thoughts. I realise the problem is not her needs, I am happy to be there for a friend, but rather the way our values no longer align. Her politics and loudly expressed views on the way other peoples,
race, dress and so on. I think I just don’t want to be her friend and that is why we parted ways years ago.

Sorry for typo. Obviously meant to type. Your Post. not. Your Pist

Your pist title. Needy Friend

I'm sorry but that sounds a cruel statement to me

Everyone worries about being needy. No one wants to be needy

If you don't have time for this person. Then be polite and mostly kind

Lucky you to have lots of family around you

She probably has none of that

Do the decent thing and find time for this person

OR let her know your hands are tied with family

But don't treat people in a way the YOU would not want to be treated

Oreo

Dontcallmelove

You can’t warm a person by setting fire to yourself. If you don’t want to stay in contact respond to her latest message with, I’m really busy at the moment but will be in touch when I have some free time. Repeat if she keeps on contacting you.

Good advice.She will realise that a friendship from the past isn’t going to reignite that way.

* You can’t warm a person by setting fire to yourself*

What a good saying, dontcallmelove. I shall steal it and pass it off as my own wisdom!

I'm warm , open and friendly but there us a point in a relationship when it just becomes too much .
I've had to walk away from a couple of relationships :
I found it really hard to do so - there was no final show down or row I just distanced myself .
One friend was having regular shouting and screaming sessions culminating in an assault .
She continued to try to contact me for several years .
Another friend was a ruthless user and told me that her husband didn't approve of our friendship then relented .
Again she refused to accept that our friendship was over .
Neither women supported me during a very painful period in my life when I was desperate for help .
I stopped answering their calls and texts .
One of them is still sending me Christmas cards . If I answer it will be a return to being used .
It's very sad that your friend is lonely,sad and needy .
I feel sorry for her ,but if it's too much and
If you really don't want to be in contact with
her just distance yourself .

I supported a couple who I was very close to when one of them was extremely sick. I visited at hospital, did some of their laundry, baked, mended clothes, provided lifts to and fro….you name it, I did it. They made a good recovery and some years after I was very poorly myself. Did I hear from them? No! Did they contact me ? No! I didn’t get so much as a get well soon text, and I know they were both fully aware of my situation.
They have now both had a decline in health and whilst I am sorry to hear that I won’t be rushing over to visit. They have family and SS support.

Dontcallmelove

You can’t warm a person by setting fire to yourself. If you don’t want to stay in contact respond to her latest message with, I’m really busy at the moment but will be in touch when I have some free time. Repeat if she keeps on contacting you.

Good advice.She will realise that a friendship from the past isn’t going to reignite that way.

A so called friend stayed away from me when I was having a difficult few months and really needed support. I find I can’t forget that, it was too important. Now she has popped up as she is in need. As you say, I think we have little in common now, and I don’t feel I can support her. I don’t reply to her emails.

Sound words from LottieLass , in your situation I would heed them . Be very careful!

I had a similar experience. It was only a matter of months after my husband died and the country was still in lockdown. I was really struggling to cope. This lady had contacted our son on Facebook, asking him if his mother was me. Apparently she had been trying to find me for ages. I was a bit bemused as she'd moved away decades before and I had moved subsequently. Our son thought it might be a good idea to contact her - I think he thought it might help for me to reconnect with people as I was so isolated at the time. I emailed her and from there on it was a deluge of all of her problems; long stories of her children, their partners and the grandchildren - I mean absolutely everything, there was no boundary whatsoever. She emailed photos and updates constantly and even sent me a card with a photo of the whole family. Bearing in mind that I had just lost my husband after a ten year battle with cancer, I felt this was very insensitive. I tried to ease away tactfully but she would have none of it. In the end I found her endless tales of woe so depressing I had to be blunt. I told her that our lives were now very different and that I wished her all the best for the future but felt there was no need for us to contact one another again. After that I heard nothing. I think if someone has been out of touch for a long time there's a reason why they now feel they need to reconnect - and the reason is often more about their needs than yours. At our age I don't think we should have to 'put up' with anyone just to make that person feel better. It's harsh but it's your life and you need to live it for yourself. Take care.

Can’t you block her number? Failing that, do as others have said and even invent reasons not to keep up the texts. Busy busy busy is the answer.

You must try to disengage otherwise this person may use you to fulfill her needs. She has reconnected not because it is you but because she wants someone in her life to talk to and to do things with. Yes it is sad that she is lonely but you cannot take on someone else's problems especially as there has been little contact over the years. I speak from experience of befriending such a person who expected that she should be invited in to the rest of my life, spend time with me and my family and even wanted to come on holiday with myself and Mr J. Over time I contacted her less and gradually it dwindled. Often people like this realise they won't get what they want from you and move on to someone else they think can suit their purpose. Please be careful and try not to resurrect this long ago friendship.

There’s a big clue in your post: she sends endless texts and complains I am slow to answer. She will suck you in and demand time and attention you are clearly, and wisely, reluctant to give. Ignore her.

It can be done very diplomatically, LadyGaGa. Why take on someone else’s woes after 40 years, when I’m sure Cambsnan has enough of her own?

You can’t warm a person by setting fire to yourself. If you don’t want to stay in contact respond to her latest message with, I’m really busy at the moment but will be in touch when I have some free time. Repeat if she keeps on contacting you.

I think I would be quite hurt if someone said that to me - that their life was too full and happy to fit me in. Maybe the kindest way is just to go along with it - surely a text doesn’t take too much time. Agree to meet somewhere close to you so it’s not too much trouble. If she’s lonely, as you suspect, it would be a nice thing to do.

Just be honest with her, without being unkind. You have commitments, responsibilities and no doubt family and friends relying on you. Gently explain this to her, adding that you have many interests, which are not necessarily the same as hers. We change a lot in 40 years.