Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

It really sounds like a case of Heads you win, tails I lose I agree Callistemon. What should be a joyful time must be marred if there's a feeling that whatever you do or don't do, you're going to be wrong.

She made it all about her

That's contradictory.

If a parent offers help they're making it all about them and should step back
If they say, like your DM, she had brought up her children it was up to us to bring up ours they're also making it all about them.

It really sounds like a case of Heads you win, tails I lose
😁

paddyann54

Everyone obviously thinks differently.I never told my mother when I was pregnant until I had. toI didn’t,t tell her when I was in Labour ever until the baby was safely born My mother much asI loved her was hard work ,she was horrified that I went back to work after 8 days but she would never have offered to babysit she” had brought up her children it was up to us to bring up ours” She made it all about her I see a similar attitude from some on here .Step back please don’t just turn up at their door that’s a guarantee to losing their trust As ADULTS you have to give them the respect you seem to expect from them.They will contact you in their own time

So presumably you've followed the same pattern with your DC - a case of "just get on with it, I've brought up my children it is up to you to bring up yours, I'm doing my own thing now".

All families are different, one rule doesn't fit all.

Sara1954

My brother was born at home, my grandmother was there the following morning, and there she stayed.
I was in the same house but completely excluded from my mother’s bedroom, where she seemed to stay forever.
I remember seeing the baby the day he was born, and then not for ages.
My mother and her mother were very close, I couldn’t have borne my mother’s constant presence.
I don’t remember any visitors, I do remember my dad taking me to the toy shop and buying me a toy, compensation for being abandoned it seemed.

My Mum spent a lot of time with my toddler when DC2 was born, she brought her a dolly which she'd dressed so she had her own 'baby' to look after. DF did the gardening etc for us. DH carried on going to work as it was impossible to take time off.
I was in the maternity home for a week the second time - bliss.

When my DD had her first child after a long labour, she asked me to visit her in hospital. Of course I was delighted but as I walked into the ward my overriding desire was to see for myself that my DD was ok ! I then turned my attention to my beautiful GC.
When she was discharged she asked me to be at their house - after a short while I decide we should leave to give DD and SIL private time with their new baby. As we said our goodbyes my DD said " Mum can you stay the night" I slept in the spare room, heard the baby cry to be fed but left the new parents to manage, she knew where I was if she needed me -of course she didn't !!
I often think back to that occasion - how fortunate was I !

Everyone obviously thinks differently.I never told my mother when I was pregnant until I had. toI didn’t,t tell her when I was in Labour ever until the baby was safely born My mother much asI loved her was hard work ,she was horrified that I went back to work after 8 days but she would never have offered to babysit she” had brought up her children it was up to us to bring up ours” She made it all about her I see a similar attitude from some on here .Step back please don’t just turn up at their door that’s a guarantee to losing their trust As ADULTS you have to give them the respect you seem to expect from them.They will contact you in their own time

My brother was born at home, my grandmother was there the following morning, and there she stayed.
I was in the same house but completely excluded from my mother’s bedroom, where she seemed to stay forever.
I remember seeing the baby the day he was born, and then not for ages.
My mother and her mother were very close, I couldn’t have borne my mother’s constant presence.
I don’t remember any visitors, I do remember my dad taking me to the toy shop and buying me a toy, compensation for being abandoned it seemed.

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

Sarahr

This seems to be a new fad of the generation. I waited for the phone call to say they were at the hospital. I phoned the hospital to find out how my daughter was doing as she was booked in to be induced, to be told they had nobody of that name on maternity. Yes, I did message over the next few days, but never got a reply. I never got the phone call, I eventually found out that my Grandson had been born, but still no contact from dd or sil. Yes, I finally got yhe message that they had cut me out of their lives. I have never seen Grandson and I believe I have another Grandchild, as a neighbour found a Facebook post with my dd heavily pregnant at a recent event. All I can do is make cards and small age related gifts for my grandchildren to be given to them, either on my demise, or if they ever want to find me.

I' m so sorry for your pain.

My son estranges from me for months/years at a time so I haven't been able to spend time with my GC for 3 years. I wasn't in the same country when they were born and don't even get any information about what they're doing or learning.

How cowardly of them not to tell you. It's heartbreaking and such a betrayal. My son has only just told me that he is happy to have a relationship at a distance. This means he might text when he's not in this country, but when he is, nothing. I wish he had told me years ago because I've wasted a lot of hope.

This seems to be a new fad of the generation. I waited for the phone call to say they were at the hospital. I phoned the hospital to find out how my daughter was doing as she was booked in to be induced, to be told they had nobody of that name on maternity. Yes, I did message over the next few days, but never got a reply. I never got the phone call, I eventually found out that my Grandson had been born, but still no contact from dd or sil. Yes, I finally got yhe message that they had cut me out of their lives. I have never seen Grandson and I believe I have another Grandchild, as a neighbour found a Facebook post with my dd heavily pregnant at a recent event. All I can do is make cards and small age related gifts for my grandchildren to be given to them, either on my demise, or if they ever want to find me.

Just to clarify my earlier post (Saturday 7.03). My daughter was discharged from hospital 7 hours after a long labour and birth. I was shocked to see her as white as a sheet, very weak and exhausted. My son-in-law was very tired too. I took their dog for long walks, did the housekeeping, meals etc. and otherwise stayed in their Granny suite to give them time alone with their newborn. That was 15 years ago when early discharge was fairly new perhaps.
I hope you get to see your GD and family soon Cookieof4

What we didn’t expect was short texts stating “she has been born” and “doing well” with no other information.

They did text.
Maybe they haven't chosen a name to give out.

Cookieof4

Feverjo,

Thank you or your thoughtful response to this situation. The hardest part for me is that while I can handle their choice not to have anyone see the baby in person, my daughter has yet to call me or answer my call. And that they won’t send a picture or tell us her name. That would make this so much easier. We only live 5 minutes apart so trust me it has been difficult not to just show up. We have a good relationship so I’m just confused and that alone is painful. I spent the whole week before she was born helping her prepare for the baby. We will just wait and see what happens. So far we have just been quietly patient. Thank you to all for your replies.

It's quite possible your daughter has her 'phone on mute - not to block you, but other friends and family well-wishers and is making a point of not looking at her phone - temporarily - because she doesn't want to have to respond to calls and text messages. Not yet.

And they may well not have decided on a name yet either.

She obviously just wants a little time to herself and her baby. It won't last - and she will never get that time again alone with her child. So cool your heels, as you have done, and wait for the moment... and let her have hers. She's not doing this to hurt you, just responding to her own needs and instincts.

Thank you, NotSpaghetti; I have finally found it.

'Life and Death'; this is the Life part which is usually a matter for joyous celebration.
A very strange situation; I do hope it is resolved soon.

Cookieof4

Feverjo,

Thank you or your thoughtful response to this situation. The hardest part for me is that while I can handle their choice not to have anyone see the baby in person, my daughter has yet to call me or answer my call. And that they won’t send a picture or tell us her name. That would make this so much easier. We only live 5 minutes apart so trust me it has been difficult not to just show up. We have a good relationship so I’m just confused and that alone is painful. I spent the whole week before she was born helping her prepare for the baby. We will just wait and see what happens. So far we have just been quietly patient. Thank you to all for your replies.

Well done you. Patience is indeed a virtue.

Of course I've no idea if you or your daughter stayed in the hospital long, I did stay quite some time. When discharged all I wanted was quiet at home with my beautiful baby. Mum respected my wishes.

I discern no disrespect to either your response - waiting quietly, OR your daughter doing as she wishes after giving birth.

Try to remember babies exist for a long time after they're born, if needs must and you wait 2-3 weeks to see your daughter and baby - that will be fine.

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space, but if you have a good relationship with your family, I’m sure they can be a massive help.
I spent over a month in hospital with my eldest, the second, over two weeks, I remember crying because my daughter was at home being passed around the neighbours, my husband didn’t get any time off, with the third hospitals were getting more relaxed, but still a week.
I just wanted to get back to normal, and a houseful of people was fine by me.
I admit I wasn’t keen on my mother visiting, she would say she had come to take the baby out, and off she’d go with my baby in their lovely pram, and just drop them off later, and I can assure you she wasn’t doing it for my benefit!

You're making up scenarios.

Healing and recovering from birth takes priority over texts and pictures- big time

Receiving information is privilege, not a right

If the sender doesn't know how that information is going to be used- another general concern that parents may or not have

Smileless2012

Where is the disrespect? The OP has simply expressed her disappointment and upset.

Yes, a quick text would have been nice.

Even if these are new parents with a new baby, there s still time to send a message saying "we're home, all is well, we're shattered, trying to sort ourselves out, see you soon xx. Name not decided yet - what do you think of Ermintrude Doris?"

Some posters are forgetting that the new mother is the grandmother's child and we never stop worrying about them, however old they are, especially a daughter who has just given birth.

I didn’t say there was disrespect from OP.

I think posters criticising how her daughter is living her life, and how they describe others of her generation isn’t very respectful.

I just disagree that not doing what OP expected is disrespectful and lacking in manners.

Where is the disrespect? The OP has simply expressed her disappointment and upset.

I know things change over time and I respect that, but not to the exclusion of good manners and respect for your family. Yes lock yourself away to bond for two weeks, but take the time to send a couple of texts, one to say you are getting on OK, and a photo of the baby, with a reminder not to post on social media.

Where is the respect for the family of the newborn in this?

A grudging acceptance of “locking themselves away” but only if they give you what you want first.

I don't think that sending a photo and telling the GP's the name
they've chosen would be prioritising the wrong people in a birthing event, just sharing wonderful news with excited GP's and other members of the family.

Good idea Hithere!

I feel that your pregnancy, birth and postpartum should be yours!

Cookieilof4 responded Thu 08-Aug-24 20:35:10