Friend poaching other friend

Bad luck Sharina. It happens and it's hurtful. Best perhaps to pretend you don't mind and just smile and wait for a happier future between you all. That will happen, I promise you.

Yes I'm with you too Sharina. If there were a group of us that did everything together, I would be miffed to "find out" that one couple had been invited to spend the weekend with the other couple, and not being told about it. However IF the couple that did the inviting said something like "Sharina, we've invited so and so for the weekend, of course we'd love for you to join us, but we just don't have the room I'm afraid. As we would like your company as well for a weekend, then we will arrange something with you too very soon.
Then i'd be absolutely fine with that and I'd not mind at all. To do this so secretively puts red flags up for me, as this type of thing has happened to me in the past, which is why I chose to pull away from the friendships. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of trust in people. I'm an honest person, and had that been me, I'd have told the second couple straight away, and I'd be arranging a weekend with them also. Surely that is what true friends do? Not secretively arrange something behind the others back?

I have friends who I am in regular contact with - some are old school friends, some from the village when our kids went to school, some from a knitting group and some just neighbours etc.

I invited two friends who did not know each other then to a knitting group several years ago and we all shared lifts. A new WI group started locally and they both joined but I didn’t. So they got close as they shared that interest. If ever I hear of an event I always ask both if they’d like to come and they usually do but often they tell me afterwards of a really good day out they went on but didn’t tell me about! I always tease them and say “thanks a lot for asking me …. Not” and they always say “but you are always so busy”. That Is true TBH but they could still ask me.

But hey, ho I am not that bothered because I do different things with other friends. Life’s too short to worry about stuff like that. 😉

I'm with NanaDana. I think even if it hurts a bit, we can't own people they are free to do what they choose with who they're friends with. We have to take it with good grace and keep an open heart.

That’s so hard. We do need our friends in times of trouble. I’d invite them again.

17Millierose, when my husband became (terminally) ill, some very good friends simply disappeared from the scene, suddenly - and without any explanation. I remember being very hurt by that, at the time.

Surprisingly, though, a work acquaintance kept in touch, offered lifts to appointments, brought food and was a great support.

In difficult times, you find out exactly who your real friends are - and the 'fair weather' ones are gone.

We had a couple of friends who we met up with years later at our caravan. We only live about 3 miles away from each other. My husband played football with the husband years ago and my mother and her mother used to go to dances together. We did not know that until we got to know them really well. We had many good nights together in our caravan talking about yesteryear and looked forward to seeing them at the weekend. Along came another couple who I knew the lady of the couple from when our children were in playgroup but did not really bond with her. She was really domineering and eventually we stayed out of their way. Now we are all home, living about 3 miles apart and the couple we were friends with have just about ignored us. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I could do with their friendship but they do not get in touch with us. I did invite them to lunch a couple of months ago and we had a good catch up but nothing from them since. We both feel a bit upset and have decided to let them go. What would you do?

The range of opinions merely illustrate. we're all different in our reactions. I completely understand and empathise how you feel.

I met a friend through a long term friend. We hit it off straight away.
The 3 of us would regularly go out to eat, here comes the problem. My long term friend is mean. She will only eat at the cheapest place she can find whereas the other friend and I like to eat in much nicer places.
We decided we would go out on our own to eat where we wanted.
If anyone one thinks my friend has money problems, she hasn’t. She is a wealthy woman.

Glad you’ve managed to reach a conclusion Sharina hope it all works out.

Sharina

Thank you. I wanted some rational and practical input. I’ve taken some of the good advice and ignored those who seem to like sticking a needle in. I’ve decided to ignore it all. And if they go their own way and our friendship is over, so be it. It’s interesting to see what we think boundaries are. It’s like not dating your exes best friend😆. Thank you for your input.

Good solution - ignore and accept graciously. Well done you.

Thank you. I wanted some rational and practical input. I’ve taken some of the good advice and ignored those who seem to like sticking a needle in. I’ve decided to ignore it all. And if they go their own way and our friendship is over, so be it. It’s interesting to see what we think boundaries are. It’s like not dating your exes best friend😆. Thank you for your input.

I feel I’m being pushed out. We all have friends but these are my oldest friends. IMO it’s just not something I’d do. Boundaries and all that.

No, it’s not my only problem. But it’s something I’d like sorted. Meanie!

Sorry guys I agree with Sharina I have a lovely friend who gets introduced by her friends to their friends then cultivates them and makes arrangements to see them cutting out the original friends, this is all done secretly , I feel it’s sad

Sharina, am I correct in thinking that you and the original friends would alternately invite one another to stay? If that is the case, I am sure you now know what your options are.

If their arrangement with the new couple has been deliberately kept secret from you but revealed by a third party I think I would be miffed too.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago.....we had family come to stay from another country, they were spending several days with us before going to stay with other family - my OH brother - a few miles away - this was to avoid the cost of hotels apparently. We put on a big party and although I didn't expect anyone to bring a contribution it is always nice if someone brings a bottle of something surely, especially if they are staying over. The couple from overseas didn't even bring a single can of beer but when they had moved onto the other families home I discovered that they had been gifted a very expensive case of wine! I was both hurt and annoyed, we had accommodated them, fed them, thrown a huge expensive party for them........never again!

Whilst I understand you feeling put out by apparent secretiveness, unless these ‘secret’ meetings become a habit, I wouldn’t worry. After all, most friends are met initially through other friends, social events.It could simply be that they know you are likely to take offence so try to avoid upsetting you.

Let it ride this time, but if you really feel you are being constantly sidelined in favour of the other couple then gently withdraw. If you are invited to things, then go, but but don’t rely on the first couple as your only friends.

Sharina - If the friendship circle is small and those couples are your only friends, it leaves you smarting over the situation.

Try not to feel slighted, even though you brought them together. In time one or the other will see that not telling you was not right. You found out anyway.

But as adults, whether we feel overly sensitive, or less confident we need to understand that everyone you know does not mesh or groove to your philosophy, interests and desires. We don’t own people.

Maintain your one on one relationship with everyone and if they do an occasional spin-off, let them have their time together. It does not mean you are excommunicated from their lives.

Know that you are capable of bringing people together. That in itself is a gift.
Friendships take WORK.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

PS - As an aside - just a few days ago there was a GN thread about social media. Facebook does give a platform for people to post pictures and events. Some may even use FB to further the “hurt” for others to see. Those are the people who will never be true friends. FB is going down the tubes anyway.

Sandelf - what a refreshing comment in the midst of this emotional turmoil of a conversation. I think you are well aware of what is being discussed. And you probably realize you are the official babysitter (that you have allowed yourself.)
You are are excused.

Enjoy your big family. You all seem to groove in the bonds of familial love, along with whatever friendships you may have.
To each his own.

I completely understand how OP is feeling. Some of the responses are very cold.

Obviously I’m in the minority I wouldn’t be the least bit bothered as I’d be pleased they get on so well, nor would I worry that they didn’t tell me, I don’t own my friends it seems very silly to me.

I would be miffed, but keep a stoic silence over it.

I ve just picked up on your thread, what an awkward situation.
I've always gone with 'the rule' , that if you introduce friends to each other or you are introduced to another couple's friends and you hit it off then always invite the couple with the original friends. ( & vice versa) then let them take it from there. Often as not until their friendship is well established they invite us along too when they socialise. Like minded friends oftrn get on together and it does widen a friendship circle but I would feel it rather miffed re holidaying together without mentioning it first.

It’s not just couples either.
Happens a lot with single friends, meeting up with each other and excluding original friends or not bothering with them anymore.

Well said Rowantree. We’re all different