Friend poaching other friend

I think it's very hurtful, especially the secretive part of it.

VioletSky
I don't think you need to worry unless your friendship changes

I think it probably just has.
If you feel upset Sharina I think that is understandable. The secretive nature of the arrangement can't help and tends to indicate that they know it's not a great idea.
I have had a similar experience and we don't see the inviters any more which has proved to be a relief!

I agree with you. I would be hurt. It was awful to invite them without telling you. They could have said something like “we invited them to stay but 6 is too many for us. We want to get to know them too so that we can all be friends “. That would have solved it.

It's important to respect boundaries around one's friends, especially if they introduced you to the others. I would probably not approach the other couple outside of the group of six especially if the plan was to exclude the original couple.
I would say that was bang out of order and hurtful.

Agreed. We all know, at least should do, that to say for example to someone who is depressed, "pull yourself together" you are sending a dart of hurt and trivialising their pain.

The gift, if you like, of being sensitive, is that often you respect others' feelings more.

In the actual O/P situation I'm not saying this is the right way to go but it's likely I'd be wanting to have coffee with one of the women. Not to confront, but to reassure yourself.

The couples thing does complicate it in terms of friendship. As a single person I find myself more likely to have coffee with individuals not complicated social circles.

I think I'd be flattered that people I like find that they like each other. It would confirm my good taste!

mabon1

Get over it. If that's all you have to grouse about, lucky you.

If you don't have something helpful to say, say nothing at all!

We don’t own our friends. These people aren’t yours to be ‘poached’.

You are not being odd. It's the fact that they are trying to hide it from you which would bother me. Does it mean they have 'dumped' you or that they have some ulterior motive?

Sharina

My former neighbour told me

So this lady is one of the couples?

I moved into a small enclave of retirees, there are 15 houses in total and we all get on fairly well and have had small gatherings at some of the houses over the years. I have watched couples change friendships, become more or less friendly at certain times. I tend to keep myself to myself and exchange pleasantries, attend parties, help out neighbours in need. Life is far too short to agonise over who spends time with who and why I may or may not be part of the scene. What you are describing seems to be more of a possessive thing than a friendship.

I read the other day that we replace 50% of our friends every seven years and that if we have one good friend whom we can confide in then that is enough. Oddly enough I find that to be quite true. As we get older our interest groups change, our voluntary work changes and our employment sometimes changes, a cancelled gym membership can mean that the person who cancelled is suddenly not part of the group anymore and friendships wither and die of neglect. However we also make new friends wherever we share an interest and form a group. that will last as long as the group lasts. It is human nature. We also change as we get older and can become less tolerant of our friends foibles just as they can of ours. It is not so much rejection as normal evolution.

I feel for you Sharina and I understand where you are coming from. I think sometimes it may be the thought of msising out that can be hurtful.

why would you take your family?

Sorry, but yes, you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

Your friends have no obligation not to see each other without telling you that they are doing so, and this applies equally to the ones invited and to their hosts.

It is perhaps a little strange if you have all known each other for years that this happens now, but perhaps this is just the first time any of them mentioned the matter to you.

Do you positively know that the friends who have invited the others have room for you and your family as well?

Or that at our ages they would still feel up to holding a large gathering of friends - I no longer would wish to do so, although I used to love having lots of visitors at once.

They may be intending to invite you sooon - so don't spoil things by being hurt by this.

How did you learn of this, and can you be quite sure that whoever told you wasn't just trying to be nasty?

mabon1

Get over it. If that's all you have to grouse about, lucky you.

Blimey mabon1: where did. that come from you’re not the friend who’s invited the other couple to stay are you?😳

You’ve had a mixed bag of responses on here Sharina I’m in the opinion of yes you are entitled to be hurt, especially as they haven’t mentioned it as a pp said that says a lot in itself. It’s horrible when you think you know someone and then something like this makes you start second guessing.

Have you decided if you will speak to either couple about this as unfortunately it then becomes the elephant in the room. Hope it gets sorted for you.

mabon1

Get over it. If that's all you have to grouse about, lucky you.

What a vile response. How is this “advice” meant to help the OP? Your reply is very rude and unkind.

I think it's different with large groups of friends to be fair .

I always look after my friends but I would never be jealous if they went with others of my friends on an outing. We are not school kids in little cliques, are we? Or perhaps we are.

13:42mabon1

Get over it. If that's all you have to grouse about, lucky you.

UNBELIEVABLE glad you're not my friend , you'd definitely get dropped !

It seems that there are some people who aren't that bothered by being picked up and dropped by friends and think people who are hurt have low self esteem, maybe they pick up and drop friends when it suits them .
I think it's important to consider other people's feelings especially close friends of long standing because when you lose them because of selfish behaviour you'll never get them back . Good loyal friends are hard to find so look after them and treat them well or it will be a regret you'll have for evermore !

Get over it. If that's all you have to grouse about, lucky you.

Similar thing happened to me . I had a good friend for years . I looked after her when she came out of hospital, washing cleaning ,shopping , cooking her meals . When I had major surgery she didn't come to see me in hospital . When I got home, I had to stay upstairs for a while , (not allowed to use stairs) . She came to see me to borrow something .I asked if I could ask her to do me a favour and warm up the odd ready meal for me in her oven when she was cooking , (not every day ). She said she was too busy , and that I should carry my microwave into the bathroom. I introduced her to a women I know. This women was very wealthy. Suddenly I was dropped .She said I wasn't able to go to interesting places ( expensive restaurants and spa treatments) because I couldn't afford it . She even put a really nasty post on Facebook about me thinking I wouldn't see it , but a friend told me. I'm actually glad a few years on that she dropped me as she was a terrible snob and self centred.

I wouldn’t care at all. In fact I might even do the same thing from time to time. Life’s too short, isn’t it ?

I think this is clearly a woman thing. Most men would not have a clue what you are talking about. I am always pleased when people I have introduced become friends. I don’t feel jealous or excluded and you shouldn’t either. They have not dropped you.
One of my sisters has a school friend who spent a lot of time at our house when we were kids and I have met up with her in my sisters company many many times over the years. She has recently moved near me but I know if I invited her over to my house without my sister that my sister would go ballistic ,
I think women need to be less precious.
Apparently it goes back to cavemen . If their man died, women had to rely on other women to help support her children.
My advice would be to say how delighted you are that they met up and are good friends. It reflects on you for bringing them together. Girl friends don’t have to choose. You can all be friends