Left feeling upset by Mother's Day

My son used to put so much effort into Mother’s Day cards. I used to get really beautiful ones. When he was away at uni he arranged for someone to bring some flowers round. But since he had children if his own he doesn’t bother. I’ve stopped feeling upset about it now but the first time it happened I cried so much.

There’s a whole lot of emotional baggage that comes with Mother’s Day. We may remember our own mothers or mother figures, think sadly of our estranged children or the ones lost to us through miscarriage or death, or we may even mourn children we might have had, but didn’t……

Family life is so complex and so downright difficult at times, but mostly it just works itself out if we manage what we can; which often comes down to just our own expectations. I think we want to feel we did a good job of mothering - and this day gives us an artificial yardstick to measure ourselves by. Getting cards, flowers, calls or messages equals ‘they think I was a good mum’ or ‘they really value me’. And of course we think the opposite is true if our children don’t conform to what my eldest son calls the ‘Hallmark pattern’ of giving cards etc.

It’s an artificial measure. Having a good relationship with our adult children is so much more important than what happens on one day of the year, so please FarTooYoung give yourself a pat on the back for maintaining that good relationship, swallow your disappointment and look forward to treating yourself next year. And have some 💐 from me. 😊

DH says I should let them know how upset I was . . .

Perhaps he should let them know.

Yes your DH should let them know you were so upset.

For me Mothering Sunday is different from other such days days. There is a long tradition of this celebration and it's not just made up for commercial reasons. I can remember making cards with a hankie in it at school and handing mum a bunch of daffodils in church. My own DC presented me with flowers in church too. Father's Day was never recognised in this way.

DH never wants fuss on Father's day but the DC all make a point of wishing him well and he gets gifts too. He appreciates hand made cards from the DGC.

I don’t take it seriously, I get flowers and cards from both daughters, but always tell them not to bother, and I usually get a text from my son.
I think it’s really sweet for little ones to make cards and spoil their mum a bit, but otherwise I agree with Hollysteers son, a load of commercial rubbish.
Having said that, we do often have a family day out somewhere, but if no one remembered, I don’t think I’d be bothered, ld be furious with my husband if he interfered.

I can understand how disappointed OP is
I returned from Australia at the w/e & stayed the first night with DD1. I awoke to a card and a lovely orchid. I then drove home to find a vase of spring flowers & a present awaiting me on the dining table from DD3. DD2 had taken me to lunch before I left Oz. I hadn’t expected anything as I was travelling and tired. I count myself so fortunate to have 3 caring daughters who made their Mum’s homecoming all the better. My own Mum insisted the day was Mothering SUNDAY not mother’s day. We always went to Church where the children presented a single flower to their mother or grandmother having already made her ‘breakfast’ and a card. It was much simpler & to the point before commercialism crept in.

I didn’t hear anything either, I’m trying not to be hurt but it’s difficult. Even a quick message would have been nice 😢

As children we would buy something cheap from Woolworths, make a card, take the time to write a poem, breakfast in bed, and generally spoiling her through the day.
Unfortunately, we grew up not to like each other much, and I always felt resentment about having to take her out for the day, and she expected it, I’d never have heard the end of it if I hadn’t remembered, my mother in law was the same, so I’m determined not to follow their lead.

The card still hasn't arrived which DS3 insists he posted. He's coming up in April for a flying visit.
My 98yr old DMiL still enjoys Mother's Day so I took her a card and chocs. She had her cards displayed proudly.
We are all different aren't we

There is so often disappointment at Mothers Day- it can cause the same heartache as feeling “left out “ at Christmas ,birthdays, anniversaries, or Easter.
If distance permits why not take the initiative another time? Give them plenty of notice and say something along these lines

“I’d so like to be with you/ for us all to be together/not be on my own on Mothers Day/my birthday/ our Golden wedding etc So why don’t we spend it here. I’ll do a main course or buffet and contributions of puds , salads, wine will be much appreciated”
Jogs the memory and puts out a marker for the date! I did it for what would have been our Golden Wedding, but DH died two years before and it made for a very happy family occasion.
It also drops a very big hint

I'm with your mother Marmight . It's Mothering Sunday- church services reflect those who have nurtured you on your spiritual journey. I did receive cards and flowers but my son's card was not related to the day but referenced instead my pedantic interest in grammar! If you have a good relationship with your adult children then you know that you've done a good job, don't you? We don't want to become entitled as some people here have referred to their mothers, so hold your head high, OP and buy yourself a bunch of flowers ( they'll be cheaper today...)

The card from my eldest daughter stated ' I do not really need to send a card on a highly commercilised day to tell you that I Love You - I Love you every day of every year.'

Think this might sum up what many people feel. I went to do Tesco Shopping on Sunday morning and was totally amazed as to how many (men) were in there purchasing their ver overpriced flowers

For several years now I have sent an email to my AC some weeks in advance telling them NOT to send me flowers or any other gifts but to use their hard-earned money towards arranging a visit to me during rthe year.

It is surely only in recent years that this day has been made to become so important. Cannot remember it being like this forty//fifty years ago when my Mum was alive.

Must comment that the best card I ever received on this day was in 2020 (as you remember, quite a wierd time), my oldest (son) sent me a card that had a big CONGRATULATIONS on the front, and the message inside saying ' You did wonderful job, I am brilliant in every way'. Made me laugh out loud. When I spoke to him he admitted that his wife had chosen it, and then worried that I would be annoyed by it.

Honestly, it is just a date on the calendar, it is how your AC are the remaining days of the year that really counts

FarTooYoungForThis

Yammy yes, thanks. I think I'll just let it go and plan something lovely for myself next year.

Good for you, you're taking the right attitude. I used to get upset and on the annual visit, home DD explained she thought it was a commercial thing and there were no reminders in the shops.
In an odd way, you make yourself unhappy by expecting what you would have done. I learned to do something that made me happy and focus on that rather than the family's actions.
I'm glad you can see it that way. Someone I knew told me to do it and it works. The same for birthdays or even Christmas.
Just forget it.

I understand your being upset FarTooYoungForThis but as so many have said, it's the relationship that really matters.

Nothing from DS in Aus. which used to upset me as being estranged from his brother makes mothers day difficult anyway but I know what to expect.

Mothers day is in May in Aus., as is my birthday at the beginning of the month so at some point in May, there'll be a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a little note apologising for forgetting both occasions.

My friend's son phoned to say he would not be coming to see her as he was going to the tip!!

Fishandchips
I love that, so funny

SuziHu
I really don't think it's well publicised anymore.
I knew it was this time of year simply because it always has been.

I'm not sure I would know when it was if I hadn't been into town for a birthday card and actually asked the shop assistant in the card shop.

I use Ocado for 90% of my grocery shopping and I don't believe they referred to the date though I did see "treat your mum on mother's day" type offers.

It's quite possible to totally miss the date in my opinion.

FarTooYoungForThis

LRavenscroft no I don't think they are. They just don't do cards for anyone or any occasion. Probably just
busy and didn't think.

Interesting that you should say that. My daughter doesn't do Christmas or birthday cards and doesn't get any either apart from me and hubby.

I do agree with you grannyactivist. Some measure their worth as a parent by being acknowledged on Mothering Sunday. I think this was a religious tradition, but now “Mother’s Day” is much more commercial and about selling stuff.

I feel sorry for those for whom this day is very important, if they do not have any acknowledgement from ACs. or who have lost loved ones.

We’re not too hot in my family on remembering cards and occasions, but make up for it when we meet. Doesn’t affect our relationships.

And for so many people it's so poignant. My DL won't be able to have children because of her health.
And children have lost their mother. Perhaps it should become Primary carer day.

The good news here Franbern is that not only did your son send you a card but you share a sense of humour with the person he has chosen to spend his life with!

I genuinely dont want stuff ..not for mothers day or birthdays or christmas .I see my kids and GC a lot I dont need THINGS to tell me they love me .I tell themdont spend money on me ..spend it on your own kids .
If your relationship with anyone means more because they buy you gifts in my opinion you have a problem .
The absolutely best gift I had was for my 65th birthday when all the family children and grandchildren spent a day roun d a table and painted little self portraits that they mounted into a frame as a birthday surprise.
It meant so much more that they were /are happy to all be together and when they gave it to me ...all together ...I cried .
Cost them nothing but time and love .
If you have a good relationship with your children cherish that

we spent Mothers day retiling my daughters kitchen not "waiting for flowers to be delivered"

Paddyann
That’s lovely, you are truly cherished

I have for most of my adult life believed that there is no point in sitting waiting for things to happen - however nice it is to be pleasantly surprised. That way disappointment lies.
Which is why I suggested being proactive - if you want to see your family, do something about it, with plenty of advance notice and then, if they are in fact committed elsewhere or genuinely too busy, you spare yourself the disappointment.