Hospital visiting: was I unreasonable?

I think 20 minutes is long enough for a hospital visit, unless it's a close relative.

Margot The problem isn't you, it is her. Some people do not want to be satisfied, they are happiest when they have something to complain about and, regrettably when people are ill, but not seriously, they are at their worst.

Should she be in hospital again and if you visit, and I would not blame you if you didn't, you can enquire about her illness and if she complains and says she desn't want to talk about it, just say you were cncerned because you understood she thought you were uncaring because you didn't ask about her illness after she said she didn't want to talk about it. Put her kindly on the back foot. What is more, if she complains about you again just laugh and tell the person telling you that she is up to her old tricks again and she did that last time and she is just one of those people who is never satisfied.

Or better still, just do not visit her.

She's old and ill. She's been tactless. Don't make it worse by making her go over it and how she made you feel. Move on.

Of course I won't. Water off a duck's back. I shouldn't have mentioned it here, it just stung when another relative told me that according to our elderly rellie, apparently I'd shown her no concern. I should have risen above it.

But grrrrr all the same.

MargotLedbetter you sound like a very kind and caring person and you have been generous with your time. I would just laugh it off. She sounds just like my mother - no matter what you do for her she will always find something to complain about and tell the world about it.

I'm not much of a talker and find hospital visits excruciating so I always try to go when someone else is there. I'm not as nice as you.

This scenario sounds so familiar from my own experience of frail, lonely old women who enjoy setting members of their circle against each other.
It is a kind of entertainment for them and it certainly worked for my Mother because she convinced each individual how hard done to she was.
It is being so cheerful(as they say) that keeps em going?

I think she was being over dramatic following her illness, tbh. Thats just the sort of thing my elderly relatives have done in the past… spun the sad tale, increased the waiting time or pain level, retold the story to gain extra sympathy.
Just let them get on with it… i found I couldn’t change them, only my reaction to them ( if i was lucky).

MargotLedbetter

That's lovely, Fleurpepper. Great girl you have there.

So many mixed messages, so difficult to decipher. Did they have a second hug?

She has not been back yet.

MargotLedbetter

Thank you, Dilly. I appreciate it's quite stressful, having people you don't know particularly well turning up and potentially sitting there for hours with nothing much to say or do. It's a tightrope for both parties.

Why would you visit someone you didn’t know very well so long and so often?

I understand you were trying to be kind but it seems overkill?

If you didn’t know each other well she might not have wanted to share how things were or feel comfortable with telling you to leave

Agree with summerlove

Summerlove it’s an elderly relation, so you’d assume they knew each other.

I went to visit her six times: four times over a fortnight, so twice a week, and two other times on later admissions. Her son lives abroad, the relative closest to her (her sister) was on immunosuppressants and couldn't visit. I suspect I was her only visitor.

I phoned beforehand and asked how she was doing and whether she needed anything. She indicated that a visit would be in order. We took it from there. She needed laundry done, so I took her washing home and had to go back that week to deliver it, with some new undies and a new nightie.

It seemed to me that she was quite enjoying my visits and she also assumed I'd be back in the second week to collect more washing — so I went a further two times the following week.

I'm not the kind of person who'd force myself on an elderly relative if the elderly rellie didn't want it.

DillytheGardener

Summerlove it’s an elderly relation, so you’d assume they knew each other.

Her words were “outlying relative” and commenting on not knowing each other well.

Not mine.

As I said, I think you were kind to go. It just sounded like a lot

I used to travel 120 miles each way to visit my father in hospital at the weekends.

He complained to my sister about the way I poured his orange squash?

I think the moan goes with the territory.

In answer to your question, no you weren’t. She was.

Blimey! I only wish I had someone to visit me when in hospital when I broke a bone in my coccyx .
My son did pop in but not for long.

I was in a room on my own due to the MRSA and being vulnerable to catching covid but I had my I-pad with me so I could Facetime my family and keep in contact with the outside world and the nursing staff were fantastic. .
I even had a doctor come to me saying that I was the only one in the hospital of my age doing Facetime with my family. I was 91 then I am 92 now.
Cheers everyone.

Lathyrus

I used to travel 120 miles each way to visit my father in hospital at the weekends.

He complained to my sister about the way I poured his orange squash?

I think the moan goes with the territory.

Ah, Lathyrus... It's being critical that keeps some of them going isn't it?

Margot it’s my mother in laws only sustenance. She starts conversation prefaced with “I don’t like to moan”, and then proceeds to moan for the entire visit/phone call.

I imagine we've all met people like that. Strangely this relative hasn't been like that in my experience.

I've heard a GP friend refer to some research that indicates that the more demanding and persistent patients are, the longer they are likely to live. The quiet, compliant ones tend to give up at the first set of negative test results whereas the 'difficult' patients don't give up until the cancer or the problem has been diagnosed.

Think you did everything you could to cheer her up & make her comfortable.
Why would your other relative pass on “gossip “about your visit? Sounds mean and spiteful to me. What was she hoping to achieve?

I have always tried to avoid visiting people in hospital and mostly suceeded! However when my nephew had a stroke I went about once a week for the 6 weeks he was in (taxi both ways so not cheap).

I seem to remember the first visit he was very sleepy so we just chatted until he drifted off. Thereafter I found him sitting in the TV room talking to other folks so I just joined in.

One day he was deep in conversation with a chap he intrduced as "Carlos" and I just assumed he was a friend. After Carlos left he told me that he did not know this man and nor did anyone else! Carlos was one of those people who likes to hang around hospitals and chat to people. Perhaps he was very lonely but Im sure some people with no visitors appreciated his company as he was quite amusing.

It seems there is a whole group of people who turn up at weddings, funerals, hospitals etc and just mix in with the crowd. Everybody assumes they are a friend/relative of someone else so they are seldom sussed.

Typical old biddy imo. She'll be telling some people that about you and complaining about others to different people.

I volunteer on a biddy bus. My husband is the volunteer driver. Some of them are never happy unless they've got someone/something to complain about. They choose where to go on the trips but then complain that they didn't see the parts/do the things they wanted to do. One signed up for a trip to Hebden Bridge and complained that we didn't go to Haworth. Another complained about the distance to Skipton as we if had deliberately moved Skipton further away .

And before anyone asks - no they don't know we call it the biddy bus, granny trips or the old ducks - and yes I know I'll be an old biddy, granny or duck one day.

biglouis I'm surprised to hear about this Carlos person. Before we can enter wards as volunteer visitors we have to be PVG checked and complete various training modules. Visiting by families was very severely restricted during Covid and only people named specifically by the patient could enter a ward.

I have found with some older relatives that when they struggle to have anything to talk about, moaning about someone else fills the gap. I would try not to take this too personally - sounds like you were a great visitor x

Aveline

biglouis I'm surprised to hear about this Carlos person. Before we can enter wards as volunteer visitors we have to be PVG checked and complete various training modules. Visiting by families was very severely restricted during Covid and only people named specifically by the patient could enter a ward.

Big Louis hasn't mentioned how long ago the Carlos incident took place.
Hospital visiting was quite relaxed a number of years ago. No checks were made, visitors' just came and went.