To think it's sad but normal that many friendships drift

I have lost touch with my best friend recently and unfortunately she is not one for chatting on the phone. She only liked to meet up to actually go somewhere and at the moment I have a bad hip and am a bit housebound. My other friends ring regularly and we chat for ages but somehow if I phone my best friend we dont seem to have anything to talk about.

You are right Judy54, it does seem that some people stay in your life for a while, perhaps a few years, others are transient, but a few will be with you forever if you are fortunate. Some years ago I lost a friendship that I thought would last forever - it had been over thirty years, but on reflection we had grown apart in our ideas, our ways, and no longer had anything in common. However, there is a friend that I have had since childhood, another from my teens, and one from my life as a young mother. They are still close and around - and I am more than grateful. Others I can remember that have somehow drifted away - this is surely the same for everyone? As another poster has said, it would be impossible to keep up with everyone.

I once read a great book about friendship and it helped me to realise that there are several different kinds of friendships. I used to be one who found it really hard to let go. But now I am very comfortable with people coming and going. I think its healthy and to be expected. .If you have three true friends that’s probably plenty. Friendships take time and effort after all, and there are only so many hours. And the other thing I have learned is never to invest more in a friendship than the other person is willing to invest. In my youth I had so many one sided relationships and was drawn to those who enjoyed mind games. Those are long gone now,thankfully!

Two of my friendships have survived almost 50 years, another 40 and a third 25 - I see them rarely, but we pick up where we left off. My siblings are geographically scattered, but we remain friends.

I have a lot of people that I’m friendly with locally and many, many of them would describe themselves as my friend, but they know little about my life whereas I could tell you quite a lot about theirs. If I wanted someone to go for coffee with I could pick up the phone and know that any one of a dozen people would respond, but in an emergency there are just a handful of people I know I could rely on.

My closest friend is my husband and has been almost since the day we met.

I have recently managed to find three friends from different times in my life. I met up with one of them last year for a day and we got on famously. She was from my teenage years and so we had lots of reminiscing to do! Another one I haven't seen for 26 years and she and her husband live in Wales. We are going to meet up with them next weekend. We have booked a hotel close to where they live. We have had quite a few telephone chats, although the husbands have never met, so I hope it goes ok! The other one I met when we were 8 and stayed friends until we were 20. I am meeting up with her in the summer. None of us live near to each other anymore, but it will be nice to meet up again even if it is only once.

I have school friends that I am still in touch with and see from 60yrs ago and one from 70yrs ago. I also have college friends from 50 yrs ago and we used to meet at college reunions and kept in touch in between times. Covid and age has probably put an end to the reunions but I met up last month with two college friends one of whom lives in the same city. I don’t think I’m unusual!

I’d really like to get rid of some friends who keep turning up just when I think they’ve drifted away. Any tips to deal with this kindly would be welcome.

Years ago I made contact with a school friend through the ‘Friends Reunited’ site, her sister gave me her phone number.
I phoned but it was obvious she wanted nothing to do with me. (Yes/no answers)
Sad but she had moved on and we didn’t have anything in common. There’s a reason we don’t see or hear from our old friends. If they wanted contact, it would have happened.

we all change as we age ,unless our friends do so at the same((ish) rate we will drift apart. I left school at 15 with no real education,uni at 36 changed my view on so many things, sadly i drifted from old friends, i guess it is one of the downsides of life long learning. As long as i don't drift away from myself i will be ok!

the last time i had a really close friend i was in my 20s, she hurt, used and abused me that i have never been able to have a close friendship again, i have people that i am friends with, but i am happy on my own, i am now widowed for the 2nd time and at 58 i am now happy to stay on my own.

Sad but true.

I'm loving the saying - friend for a reason, a season or a lifetime - that makes so much sense.

For the past few years I've been trying to explain the sheer fragility and fluidity of relationships to my children, and the fact that ultimately friendships come and go and THAT'S OK. I'll definitely be using the saying above in future.

It's taken me over 40 years to realise that I don't have to be friends with everyone and that real friends have your back. I probably only have a couple of slack handfuls of really good friends now, those that I can really trust and count on - and that's just fine by me.

Quality over quantity every time.

A very interesting thread! I always wondered if I was a bit "different" because I never had or wanted close friends, although I was happy to have a good few close acquaintances based on children, work or interests at the time. I suppose as an RAF wife my situation was different as we were posted to a different station every 2/3 years, and we moved individually rather than as a squadron or unit. This meant that even while you were living in one place the people round you kept moving - and then it was your turn again! Interestingly, when you moved to a new place you'd meet up again with people you had known on previous postings but different friend groupings would form and you wouldn't necessarily be in the same friends group as people you had been with before. We did have a very long Christmas card list though! And I'm still in contact with three people from those days.
More than 20 years ago a group of six of us living where I am now (post-RAF and post-widowhood) got together and formed an art group which until Covid met in my house each week. But nothing lasts forever and there are only two of us left - three having passed away over the years and another has just gone into a care home. It's all just that thing called Life with its ebbs and flows.
Sorry, I think I've gone off piste a bit. Friends - I think - are just the people you are comfortable with and whose company you enjoy in the situation you are in at any particular place or time in your life. My husband until he died, and then my Partner until he died, were the only people in my life who I would class as Best Friend - the people who I could talk to about anything under the sun, and they to me.

My best friend from high school has distanced herself from me about ten years ago and I'm not sure why. I think it may be because I went to college part-time as an adult and got a 4-year degree. The last time I was with her, she mentioned how she wanted to get her degree. We were then in our mid-forties and she looked stunned when I told her I had done that. We lived 2,000 miles apart, but I always loved seeing her when I went back once a year to visit my parents. I haven't been back since they died. My brother died five years ago and she sent me a nice letter but did mention that she knew she had been distant. She had stopped sending Christmas or birthday cards. About a year ago, I spur-of-the-moment unfriended her on Facebook when I saw that she had acknowledged the birthday wishes of everyone but me. I sort of regret that since I felt petty, but mostly thought, "well, screw you".
I look back and realize I had valued the friendship more than she had. I still think highly of her but will not contact her.

Mom3 perhaps time to re friend her. Could say it was an error/mistake which it was.
Hope you rekindle the friendship xx

I think some friendships have a natural lifespan, and then you move on, but they were valuable and lovely for a time. A few years ago when I moved to a new area a woman befriended me, and it was great for a few months, but I have had to distance myself from her, I think she is a narcissist. She has no sense of time and turns up at least half an hour late for everything, often without an apology. I have waited for her in restaurants, outside in the cold, if she is late for a film or theatre I just go in now rather than miss the beginning. I know other people find her annoying. I feel sad to lose afriendship, but she has such a negative effect on me.

I have noticed that younger people nowadays seem to keep in touch with all their school friends for much longer than we did. I know quite a few people in their twenties who socialise with school friends much more than University friends or colleagues.

In my view, as we travel along in life we come across many, many people who we consider friends, but amongst these casual friends there are gems, people who we click with and them with us and travel along with us in life.

I have friends and I have FRIENDS ...

Lovely Lady: Thank you for your nice comment. Her 76! birthday is next week and I had been thinking of sending her a card and then decided against it because I didn't want to feel hurt if I never heard back. Now I will, so know that I appreciate your reply.

Kate1949

I'm an odd bod. I don't feel the need for friends. Maybe it's because I'm close to my sisters. They are the same. Of course we have friends, but it wouldn't bother me if I didn't have mine. Sounds awful I know.

I am the same! I have my sister and a few other friends I’ve kept since my teaching days, but I am happy without many social gatherings.

When my children were young, friendships were often formed around their activities such as school and sports. While I enjoyed knowing those people, it seems natural for them to drift out of my life as situations change.

Serendipity says it accurately for me. My bestie and I will celebrate 63 years on 16th June. Quite wonderful.

What an interesting and thought provoking thread!

My oldest friend, who I keep in touch with regularly by Whatsapp, is a man I met at college at 18 who was best man at our wedding, so I've known him for 47 years.
We had been meeting up in recent years along with another college friend but Covid put a halt to that.

I've been out today with four friends, we all met through our children or through childminding, so over 30 years now.

Ironically a few years ago I received a Facebook messenger post from an old school friend of mine, saying she and the rest of the gang had been looking for me for years and was this me?
I replied yes, and gave a brief summary of my life and current circumstances: never heard a word from her again!
Can't win 'em all ?

I don’t do Facebook but admit to being curious about all my old college friends.
We were all so close it would have surprised our young selves that we are no longer in touch.
There were two separate groups, friends from college and friends from accommodation, and out of all those girls I’m only in touch with one.

I have small collection of friends made through previous work. And this has lasted twenty years but dwindling now due to covid absence. I have one close friend and we do try and meet up once a month. However I’m ok on my own and have hubby and family so that may be it.

I have had two best friends for over 35 years.
Other people i know and get on very well with are acquaintances.