How to deal with lack of contact?

Help how do i deal with lack of contact?

you have to follow their lead.
certainly no dropping in.
if you fall out with them, it may never recover.
just bide your time, be pleasant from a distance, and don't push.

Thank you, this is my first post, wasnt sure i had done it right!!
I try not to push or pester, still message once a week saying hi and hope all ok and ask if i am at supermarket do they need owt, just wish it were different!

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this Elsine and the first thing I'll say is don't just drop in. If you d.i.l. didn't like her own mum doing so, she wont appreciate it from you either.

Lack of contact is so difficult, especially when there was regular contact with you son and GS, and have only seen your new GD briefly, once in 6 weeks.

You say they have 3 children but have only mentioned seeing 2, did you see the other GC as regularly as you saw the GS you've referred too?

Rather than asking if you can go there, ask them to come to you for Sunday dinner or tea; you d.i.l. might appreciate a break from the kitchen. Rather than texting her, text your son instead.

Paternal GP's often feel they are getting the short end of the stick and sadly often are.

I'm afraid there really isn't anything you can do other than accept that this is how things are, make the most of the time you do get to see them, and hope that things will change.

I hope they do.

Respect your son's wishes

With a new child, time for hobbies and other activities is pretty much impacted

Thank you, we have tried inviting them all here but no joy! Eldest GC is stepGC and goes to respective families at weekends! I do message son too but no joy there either. I understand new baby but this was the case prior to new arrival. Will keep trying but wont pester x

If you keep trying, it could be seen as pestering

Why don't you wait for your son to reach out to you?

I know it won’t go down well with some but it is a sad fact many sons have little interest or contact with their parents/ families when they get their own. I have heard and seen this time and time again. My husbands mother was the loveliest person and wonderful mother. My husband and his brother left her and their dad behind as part of their life that was over. The parents had done nothing to deserve this. But the thing they had done wrong in my opinion was to bring their sons up without any expectations from them. Maybe you did that
Elsine because you are a selfless and giveing person as my m.I.l.was. My friend only sees her son when he has something delivered to her address as he’s at work!! The problem is if you speak up you will lose all contact, if you don’t you still have zero contact. My only advice is try and try not to feel you’ve done something. And try not to be hurt though that’s very hard I know.

They have a newborn that's only six weeks old? Sounds like they've got their hands full then. Plus, with the pandemic, cold, flu and RSV season still in full swing, a lot of people with newborns are hunkering down.

I'd just wait for him to contact you, honestly. He hasn't forgotten you, he's likely busy with everything.

Another case of mismatched expectations.

Are you taking into account the fact that this pregnancy and baby happened in a time when illness could be very dangerous for an unborn/new born baby?

I should note that my oldest spent 2 nights in the hospital at 8 weeks old with RSV given to us by a well meaning family member who was visiting with "just a cold". That was 18 years ago and I am still aware of newborns and visitors. Covid is especially dangerous because even those who are vaccinated could carry it unknown.

Are you taking into account that most young families are dual income and struggle to fit everything into a day, especially when there are multiple children in the house?

You need to talk to your son. He is responsible for maintaining a relationship with you and facilitating you seeing your grandchildren.

When we (sister and I) were kids there was a schism in the family and my gradparents were only allowed to see me by arrangement. I was taken (by an aunt) to see my grandmother for 2 hours on the second sunday of every month. My grandmother (especially after she was widowed) would love to have seen me more often but that was how it was. She would also have liked to help financially by paying for school uniforms/outings and so on but my parents objected.

Later on when I wanted to return to education to qualify for a profession she offered to help financially but again my parents declined. The age of consent was 21 then so I had to toe the line. He solicitor warned her never to intrude or interfear as my parents could simply have withdrawn consent for me to visit her at all.

The result was that as soon as I qualified and hit age 22 I moved out of the parental house and furnished a home with my grandmothers help.

When parents have their own reasons to "do distance" grandparents just have to learn to suck it up.

That is so hard, especially as it is a contrast with what happened before. I think the others are right and if you push too hard it will be seen as interfering. Just keep on being loving and pleasant, remembering birthdays etc . Not a lot else you can do but please try not to be hurt as I am sure you would not have done or said anything, it is just a thing that can happen. A lot of women I have come across don't particularly like their partner to be close with their mothers, I think they see it as some sort of threat/comparison. Such is life.

Our situation is very similar to yours and there are 4 children under 9 here. We see our son occasionally with the children while dil has a rest at home. Would your son do this? Definitely would not drop in uninvited though we feel able to do this with our daughter. You just have to accept their lifestyle.

I have never liked people just dropping in.
When the children were young, I worked four days a week, and my free day was precious, I never said anything, but quite often my plans would be ruined by my in-laws popping in.
My parents would drop in to say they had come to take the baby out, as it was my only day with her, I used to feel really annoyed, at least phone to check.

My aunt and her friend would often drop in when the children were small. They made me sit down and proceeded to clean the kitchen and wash dishes which really annoyed me. They thought they were helping but I just felt they thought the house was dirty.

Elsine I really feel sorry for you. Not only does it hurt but it deprives both you and your grandchildren a relationship. It's cruel in my opinion. Especially if you have done nothing and simply want some time with your family. Sounds like you don't butt in, don't impose yourself but they don't appreciate that either. Having said that, nothing you can do because they have the power.

Honor thy mother and father means nothing to people these days. I both honored mine and even my in laws, who my MIL ,at times ,could be a bit intrusive. They saw my kids weekly; we all lived close by.

Luckily I live close by my grandkids and my daughter needs a hand at least once a week or I wonder if I'd be able to see them with her attitude. I can tell she would not think twice if it were not convenient for her.

She only lets me watch them supervised so to speak; while she is around. Many times I offer to watch them alone at my home so she can have absolute time for herself and her grading (she teaches college) but she doesn't trust me because in her mind she thinks I will just play all day with them (I do love playing with them) and I will forget to feed/water them enough.

It's as though she thinks she survived childhood on her own? Like I don't know kids cannot go long without food, water and proper potty breaks?

Give me a break.

So she tries to grade while I watch them but it's really hard to keep my 2 year old granddaughter from wanting to go to her mom while she is working. That's natural. My 4 year old grandson is fine with playing with me all day.

So sometimes if she doesn't get all her grading done, she complains. I guess I'm lucky she needs me so I can see the grandkids.

She never used to be so complaining/bossy before but her husband pulled the rug out of her life (and ours) when he met some 21 year old loser girl who wanted to have at a married man with a kid and one on the way.

Apparently this loser girl's own dad left her mom for someone else fairly recently and guess she's out to punish someone. She's not pretty at all but youth is it's own beauty so my son in law just fell for it.

He never showed loyalty to his own family ( his whole family is self centered and apart) so not surprising he wouldn't be loyal to my daughter, although we've always been a tight knit family, I would have thought that rubbed off on my SIL but guess not.

Of course, most older men love the idea of being young again so he "fell in love" Right. More like lust.

But as much as I feel so horrible for my daughter, she's been like a monster lately. It changed her now I have to tiptoe and I know if I misstep, she will cut ties. My SIL was her soulmate and he's taken out a huge piece of the heart my daughter used to possess....people used to comment how wonderful it was that her and I were close. She's not the same anymore and I am paying for what that creep did.

She did get angry at me once over nothing really and decided to not see me for almost 2 months. I was cut off from the grandkids. I'm fortunate it worked out but it doesn't for a lot of grandparents, it becomes permanent.

So be careful. It could also be your DIL is favoring her parents over you. I don't know....is there any way you could become social/friends with her parents? Maybe that would be obvious if you haven't before. I made a vow when my kids got married, I would be friends with the in laws...you always need allies. Plus, you've got a new set of friends to hang out with!

Only thing that went wrong for me in that area was when my son got married, my husband and I actually loved the in laws; they were so cool and we would even go out with them alone.

What went wrong is after 9 months, my son came home.....apparently after they got married his wife started fighting with him non stop and he couldn't go on.

I thought she was a wonderful girl and we got along, I had already thought of her like a daughter.

It was hard, but it would have been even harder if grandkids were involved.

So maybe, try to be friends with her parents? What about her? Anything you can do to make her feel like you are her second set of parents???? I know some people are just too cold hearted but maybe there is something you can think of to warm them up a bit? Worth a shot.

I don't know what you can do, I really feel sad for you not seeing your grandkid enough. I hope that changes somehow. Good luck.

you need to invite them round instead?

Elsine, I think we’re all in the same boat. I only go to their homes, when invited, which is usually once every couple of weeks. I have a daughter and 2 sons, living a couple of miles from me. I used to see my daughter often, as I shared the school runs with the other GPs. Now that they’re in Uni, I hardly see them. And my daughter works, so it’s difficult. I also find she’s getting quite irritable and nasty, so the less I see her, the better. ( I don’t think she has got over her divorce).
Lucky are those who see their families often and have good relationships. Someone somewhere on one of these forums said she has to be happy with the ‘crumbs’ that are offered and that’s how I feel.
Btw, my daughter is like Eugenia’s daughter - I wonder if mine is going through an early menopause. Gosh, we mothers of AC have so much to put up with. Had a rocky patch with my middle son. Things are a bit more calm there.

JaneJudge

you need to invite them round instead?

... she has. "We'll let you know" is the response - the same as when she suggests visiting them.

Our (collective) adult children become absorbed in their own lives. Sometimes because both are working long hours, and even a few minutes of having to involve themselves in something other than the focus on themselves becomes a burden.

Others just lose interest in their parents - lose interest and patience, maybe because their world and ours can be so different.

And of course, it is natural to cut the ties.

I think what is hurtful is the fact that, however busy you might be, if you care about someone, there is always time for a quick text message. Simply to explain without going into detail that you are having a busy time / rushed off your feet... whatever. A simple message that says you are not forgotten without even having to say those words.

We can make all the excuses for them under the sun, and tiptoe around not wanting to interfere, or intrude, or guilt-trip them into a response. But the moving finger writes... etc., and in the end, we are all going to be cleared off the board game and put back into our little boxes, and then, it's over. And some adult children will regret that they didn't send that message, or make that 5 minute 'phone call, and it will all be too late.

crazyH I am sorry for you too.

Doesn't it seem parents, when there is divorce/splits, end up being punished in some way? I wonder if it is when they are rejected aka divorced, cheated on etc, they feel we raised them so whatever part of them has been rejected by their mate, it's our fault?

I know right away I saw a difference my daughter had towards me. I tried to be supportive only, not harp or ask any details, but it didn't work.

When I tried to be more involved , I got banned from seeing her and the kids for almost 2 months. I was so sad missing them so much as I went twice a week since the birth of my oldest grandchild and suddenly cut off. Eventually my pleading and my husband helped so we were ok. She called all the shots though and I had to say sorry for things I never intended or meant.

Now I don't say one thing about her husband or ask her how she is doing; if he is still giving her child support or not, etc. I haven't even asked if she's filed for divorce yet after 2 years but my husband asked one day and she hasn't yet.

She has damaged our relationship. I was insanely obsessed with my kids, loved them to the moon. Decided to be a stay at home mom so I would always be there. But I can take a hint when I am not liked.

Now I try and focus more on my son and my grandkids. Still love her, still cry over her but I feel at the same time I really dislike her. Her petty criticisms of me float right off me. Since I need her to see the grandkids, I act like it all matters to me but it doesn't. She nitpicks and tries to pick a fight but now I don't let her. I appease her or simply outright lie about something if it benefits my position. I refuse to let her harp on me so I always plan and think of answers.

I actually went to a therapist who told me to never apologize unless I did something intentionally of course. Otherwise that confirms in her mind I have done something awful and her complaints are justified.

Which I never have tried with either of my kids; I have always respected their wishes and wants, which they cannot say much about that with me. I'm not allowed to have any wants.

But it's like it is our fault when things go wrong with our kids' relationships, isn't it? We get the backlash.

I have a similar situation, my DIL only interested if she has no one else. She is paranoid about catching Covid,won't let us within 20metres, even though Granddaughter at UNi and her b/friend stayed at theirs for a week.Grandson at high school all week. She puts upsetting things on Twitter which she doesn't know I could read, total lies. It made me ill, but now I just text my only son and grandchildren, and will continue to give presents. I will also be moving house soon to get away

It’s such a shame when relationships break down like this. I hope I’m mistaken, but I don’t think my DD actually likes me very much.

I agree that biding your time is the best bet. One suggestion though is ... Say you know they must be so busy with their new daughter and can't get any alone time, you would love to babysit one evening so they can go out. That way you see GD and son and DIL but the pressure is not there, it is an offer of help.
Say you know her parents are possibly doing this, but you want to get to know your GD and spend some time with her.