I've refused to be mum's POA

I would find someone else to be POA, and then leave them all to stew in their own muck.

Easy to say I know, but it really is the only way if you’re to stay well both physically and mentally.

We don’t need family like this. There’s no contract which says you have to deal with them until they’re dead.

Get out while you can, and leave them to it.

Good luck

You have done more than what she ever deserved

I agree with this above. My suggestions above link to IF you decide to continue your relationship. Counselling will help you with that decision

I would see a solicitor and see what you have to loose by not being a POA and what you have to gain. I had to do this as an only child with a cousin who always stepped in when I said no to anything even when it was dangerous.
My solicitor advised me to take it out and he also after many attempts persuaded my parent to sign their house over to me.
It did entail a lot of work like changing insurance policies etc. and as I lived hundreds of miles away a lot of travelling, but in the end it did enable me to get the resources I Knew they needed, even if they did not approve of the money being spent.

I’d run a mile, certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with POA. She would probably turn round and accuse you of pinching her money. In fact I am sure she would and if she didn’t then your sister might. Smile and tell them you have too many problems and bad personality flaws that she has mentioned.

I understand how hard it is to deny a POA. I had to recently make that decision with my Grandmother. Even though it would be in her best interest for me to be the POA, it would have put my directly in the line of fire from my toxic mother.

I told her that I love her so much and would do anything for her, except that. I had guilt from my decision even though I know it is best for me and my children.

Madgran gave some great examples of how to respond to your mom when she is hurtful. You can not change her, but you can and should remove yourself from the situation if she does not stop when asked to.

I highly suggest that you find someone professional to talk to. Not only to overcome they way your mother and sister have treated you in the past, but also to prepare yourself for how you may feel and the outcome when you repeatedly refuse to be the POA.

Crikey you're working all week, then driving two hours each way every weekend to help around the house, and this is how your mother treats you? No way is that acceptable!
To start with I'd suggest you only go every other weekend at most, you must have things you need or want to do yourself at home.

Does your sister help your mother or is it all down to you?
Definitely don't agree to the joint power of attorney. If your sister won't even talk to you, how does your mother think that would ever work?

Lots of good advice from everyone on here. You're already doing above and beyond what's reasonable Peacelily. Time to put yourself first sometimes xx

Pammie1

Firstly, if your mum is displaying signs of dementia then it may be too late for a Lasting Power of Attorney - legally your mum needs to have capacity at the time it’s drawn up, so that she can make informed decisions about what she wants after she loses capacity. In light of everything you’ve said, this really needs to be established as it sounds as though there’s animosity between you and your sister.

Secondly, if dementia is already progressing, this may explain your mum’s behaviour and if so, then you need to try to have some empathy because some, if not most of it, may be beyond her control. There is absolutely no obligation on your part to be a named attorney, and if I’m honest, in the same circumstances I would want to be as far away from it as possible.

In the early stages of dementia, it is not illegal to set up a POA, the donor simply has to have enough capacity at that time to understand that one decision. Capacity can vary considerably day to day so it’s acceptable to say a person has the capacity to agree to have someone appointed to look after their interested even if they cannot make other decisions like taking medication or eating properly.

The Office for Public Guardianship explains this and if a solicitor is used to set up the POA they will assess capacity based on one meeting. It is not necessary to use a solicitor though, POA can be set up online with a neighbour or friend certifying that the donor understands what is happening.

Peacelily If joint attorneys are not in agreement they have to advise the court of protection which will then take over and appoint someone themselves, so there seems little point in you and your sister sharing POA as it’s clear that you can’t work, together,
Just say no, you have enough to deal with without this stress.

It sounds like you've made the right decision. Your health matters and clearly this is not good for you. Let your sister take on POA. It's probably easier if just one person is in charge of that anyway.

Well done for refusing to be POA. It's the only sensible decision, so stick to it.

I had a verbally abusive mother too, but, over time, I distanced myself and took little notice of her ridiculous comments. They were her problem, not mine. She didn't like it when I laughed - so try laughing.

Contact was short and sweet, in the company of others - never alone (when she'd be most vicious) and, ideally, on neutral ground (lunch out, for instance) where, being in the public eye, she retained some manners.

You don't 'owe' her, just for being your mother. You may feel obliged to help out, though. Do it on your own terms, not every weekend, only when necessary. Start to find out about sources of help available to her - and plan to take a back seat in future. First and foremost, look after yourself.

I think you just have to say no and move on with your life. What a sorry situation for you; and what a sad upbringing. Well done for making a success of your life.

You, and others, have mentioned the possibility of dementia. However, I wonder if some of the recent hurtful comments are down to a urinary tract infection. My father in law accused my husband of some horrible things - then we realised what the problem was. Each time he started to get cranky we got on to the GP for medication and the situation improved.

As for the POA, your mother needs to have the capacity to understand at the time even if she forgets later. We got an ex-medic acquaintance to help. I explained the whys and went away, she made sure that father in law knew what he was doing, why he was doing it, and that he consented.

It isn't easy having a POA, big decisions for someone else so even without all the baggage I'd say think carefully about doing it.

If you feel you should be involved, and I understand that, you could always have one of you with POA for financial matters and one of health and care.

Whatever you decide do look after yourself. Having a POA for an elderly relative was one of the hardest things I've ever done and she got really nasty with me even though we had always had a good relationship.

I would’ve walked away from her a long time ago… so sorry you have to put up with this??

Why keep toxic people in your life? If you can, sever all ties with them.

For your own sanity, I would suggest you blame it on dementia. What awful things, for a mother to say ?

Good point Pammiel, and I hadn't realised it was illegal. My aunt is 84 and her friend is the same age. My aunt noticed her friend was becoming more and more confused and she kept phoning her friend's estranged daughter to say she needed to come and help her mother.

She has finally turned up eighteen months later and is too late, her mother doesn't know who she is and calls her 'that woman'. The daughter asked my aunt to be present whilst her Mum signed the POA forms and it was extremely upsetting for my aunt. I wonder if the POA is linked to the GP and the date of diagnosis, and whether this will be deemed to be illegal as her friend definitely didn't understand what was going on.

Firstly, if your mum is displaying signs of dementia then it may be too late for a Lasting Power of Attorney - legally your mum needs to have capacity at the time it’s drawn up, so that she can make informed decisions about what she wants after she loses capacity. In light of everything you’ve said, this really needs to be established as it sounds as though there’s animosity between you and your sister.

Secondly, if dementia is already progressing, this may explain your mum’s behaviour and if so, then you need to try to have some empathy because some, if not most of it, may be beyond her control. There is absolutely no obligation on your part to be a named attorney, and if I’m honest, in the same circumstances I would want to be as far away from it as possible.

Why do you put yourself through this?

I agree with Hithere take back some of your free time and use it to take care of yourself because you deserve to be loved, especially by yourself

She is not a mother, she didnt and doesnt behave that way.

A mother is somebody who loves you unconditionally and nurture you.

Be done with her.
You have done more than what she ever deserved

How awful for you to hear such comments!

You have had this dynamic for years and it is hard for you to see a way through it. In these circumstances you are right to refuse POA! I think you would also benefit from counselling to deal with all that has happened over the years, please ghink about that.

If you are clear you wish to keep visiting/helpful then consider how you can change your vehaviour/responses. How do you respond to such comments I wonder? Has she always been like this or is it likely to be the dementia causing it? If the former some suggestions below for reacting maybe differently to how you have before....

You shouldn't wear those leggings, you're too fat for those

"Oh! They are comfortable so I will continue to wear them." When she follows up just say " I'm not discussing this" and walk out if the room

Grandma never liked you because you look like your father (a total shock which left me in tears).

"That surprises me as Grandma was always kind to me!" (If true) When she follows up say it again, say not interested in hearing her view of Grandma's feelings, walk out the room.

Your father went for you because you must have done something to set him off. (no excuse for child abuse)

"I was a child, he was an adult, no excuses. I will not be blamed I was a child" She follows up, you repeat and leave the room.

You never gave the change back when you were little but your sister did so I trust her (another new comment just yesterday).

" in that case sister can do shoppng/whatever! I won't do it anymore.'" Walk out the room

You're just like your father

"I don't agree!" Walk out the room!

You're just a spiteful Jew girl.

"I won't even grace that ridiculous comment with a reply!" Walk out the room!

You're hopeless at maths. (I run budgets for multi million £ programmes).

"No I am not!" Walk out the room

You're here to clear me out (helping to clear the garage which is INFESTED with vermin)

"If you think that then I'll leave it. I suggest you ask sister to do it" Walk out the room

In all the above scenarios you are completely removing the power base from her, by not engaging or justifying! Removing yourself means you are not enabling her to "press your buttons".

When she gets angry re your removal of power/asking why etc just say "I will not tolerate being treated like that. Its up to you, the solution is in your hands. If you want my help stop doing it/saying that! I will no longer listen to it" when she rants, walk out the room

Repeat, repeat, repeat!

At the end of the day you need to put your own welfare first. Counselling would help you with that. ⚘

If you want to soften the refusal a bit, emphasise that she only needs one person to have POA, and in fact it is easier for one person to make a decision on what is best for her than for two to come to a compromise on it, so your sister should be grateful to you for not interfering.

Indirectly, so should she be, for you backing out and leaving it to your sister. Tell yourself this, too, and don't give in to the emotional blackmail when she tells you that you are a wicked unnatural daughter etc etc - as I am sure she will. The answer to that is that her other daughter will be happy to do this for her and will be more likely to do as your mother would have done herself, if she were able. They sound like a well-suited pair.

You have value and worth as a person. Your mental health is valuable. You are more than what service you can give.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Refusing the POA is the only reasonable thing you can do.

I’d also have no hesitation in telling your mother to call your sister in the future, and not being as available. I understand wanting to help, but you do not and should not be expected to accept verbal abuse to do so.

When she is rude could you say'Gosh ,that sounded very rude. I dont know if you intended to be so hurtful' and carry on doing a practical task. Treat her kindly but don't over engage with her. Try to be a little detached emotionally.
If you dont want POA say you are sorry but that isn't something you feel able to offer to do.
Hope things improve for you