Sister sold family rings for scrap gold value

So sorry Thistledubh.

My late Mum left my daughter some jewellery, and she asked me to sell it as it wasn't her style. She doesn't attach sentimental value to anything material, and has disposed of lots of things I hoped she'd keep. Including the mask I hand made for her at the beginning of lockdown - she gave it to her flatmate!

Well we ve never owned rings or jewellery or anything of value in my family coming from very working class stock but I do have some everyday things of my Nans that may now have a little value but my children are not sentimental and don’t want keepsakes nor my grandkids so at some point I will sell them BUT when is that time ?
You say you did get three rings from your mum so surly that’s all that matters what your sister did with her share is no ones business but hers
As for the freezer once a gift is given you have no ownership over what the other person does with it so if she wanted to sell it that’s up to her entirely
I just hope my two boxes of 20 years work of family history and all my photos don’t get thrown out they are more important to me as I have only fun jewellery which is only fun for me and can be thrown out without any concerns

Unfortunately family heirlooms do not always end up where they should and you have to let it go. I read in grandmother's letter of 1955 that she had a proper Welsh paisley shawl that she wanted my mother to have. Never seen it. In another letter I read of a painting my other g-grandmother wanted her daughter to have. No idea what happened to that (her sister probably got it). Both these would have ended up with me but never did. Other times, people throw out whole collections of old family photos, not thinking anyone might actually want them. It's a sad fact of life that some people do not respect their ancestors or their family.

I would probably feel the same as you. It’s sad to see things go. However...once you give something to someone, ad a gift, it is theirs to do with what they please.

Maybe in the future, be more selective about what you give her, or ask for money upfront.

I wonder if the rings made your sister sad Thistledubh?

Perhaps when she looked at them she remembered the loss of your mum and found the reminder of the loss too upsetting.

Either that or the exact opposite...she was so young when they were given that the significance was wasted on her. I wonder if she though you have the jewellery you chose and hers were for her to do with as she wanted. Some people just aren't at all sentimental.

Germanshepherdmum I thought your first post on this thread was perfect and agree with all you said.

The rings obviously meant a lot to you so it’s hard that your sister sold them without talking to you about it first. Did she have any idea how much they meant to you? I don’t have sisters but I gather sisterly relationships can be difficult at any age .....! Sad as the loss of the rings may be I hope that this is a relationship that as well
rupturing can heal and repair . Perhaps this is an opportunity to talk about the things that matter as you come towards the end of your life ? It sounds like you may have a lot of stored up anger towards her as you refer to her as ‘privileged’ and are still cross that she sold a freezer years ago ! At the end of the day a relationship with your sister has to be the most valuable thing over and above any possessions regardless of the sentiment you may hold for them. What more precious thing can you hand down to your own children than the knowledge and experience of a loving and forgiving family? Let the anger go .

Well said marymary, and thank you very much Scones. By the way amongst the things which I inherited when Mum died were her Mum’s wedding ring, which Mum wore, and her Granny’s ‘keeper’ ring. As I didn’t want to wear any more rings in addition to my own and Mum’s, and they are way too big for my tiny daughter in law, I eventually gave them to an animal welfare charity along with a few other pieces of jewellery which I know would have sold them for scrap but it is a cause close to Mum’s and Gran’s hearts so I felt I was doing the best I could for everyone.

If there are those that place sentimental value on items then that’s ok for them.

I’m not sentimental about anything other than a teddy bear that I had as a baby. I have no jewellery to speak of, my mother does but I’m not sure what she wants to do with it all once she’s gone.

I’m afraid in generations to come there will be more scrap value placed on these items. Life in my opinion is for living, not the sentimentality of the past. Sorry if that offends anyone ?‍♀️

I would be annoyed, but I would not mention it, in the future I would not be inclined to do her any favors, there are tensions in all families when they come to the surface damaging feuds start.

Once something is given as a gift it's surely theirs to do with whatever they want? My daughter was left some jewellery by her grandma, it wasn't to her taste and would have stayed in a box instead of being worn. She has had a beautiful sapphire remounted in a modern design from gold melted down from other pieces and has put her own money in to set it off with small diamonds. It is a really lovely modern bespoke piece but nothing like the jewellery that she was left but she loves wearing it. Mil would thoroughly approve but tbh if she had sold the lot as scrap and gone on holiday with the proceeds Mil would have approved too.

eazybee

You really should not keep tabs on gifts that have been given, either by you or someone else.
Your sister was given the items that she sold, freely and with no strings attached and they became her property, therefore she is entitled to do what she wishes with them.
You chose to give her the freezer; you could have sold it but didn't, she chose to sell it when it was hers. You cannot give a gift to someone and then expect a share of the money if they choose to sell it.
You had the opportunity to chose some of your mother's jewellery and chose not to do so, for whatever reason.
Now you are harbouring grudges over decisions you were both free to make. This is how family feuds start, if they haven't already.

Unfortunately, you sound as heartless as the sister.

I wouldn't be annoyed about the chest freezer. You gave it to your sister, she might have decided it was taking up too much space and didn't want it anymore. The best thing to do would probably have been to offer it back to you first, since she got it from you free, but once given, it was hers and hers to decide what to do with. If you give her anything like this again and don't want her to sell it, just tell her that if she decides she doesn't want it anymore, you'd like it back.

As for the rings, I can see both sides. It sounds like you got your share of the rings and she got her share of the rings. It is then her right to choose what to do with the rings she inherited. She could have offered to sell them to you and it's understandable you are disappointed. Your sister clearly views the sentimentality of such items differently to you. She hasn't really done anything wrong, just not given thought about other options, such as offering to sell them to you first.

You both had some items- yours are yours to keep/ give away. Hers are hers - to do what she liked with.
Sharing out items from deceased is difficult on many levels. We decided to lay out all the valuables , tossed a coin to see who was choosing first, and then took turns choosing items. It worked for us even though a few snide comments were made about value over sentiment.

Id give my sisters what ever they like to do with what ever they like. I love them much more than heirlooms.

Not heartless.
Pragmatic.
Once something is given away, it is no longer your property and you have no control over it.

eazybee

You really should not keep tabs on gifts that have been given, either by you or someone else.
Your sister was given the items that she sold, freely and with no strings attached and they became her property, therefore she is entitled to do what she wishes with them.
You chose to give her the freezer; you could have sold it but didn't, she chose to sell it when it was hers. You cannot give a gift to someone and then expect a share of the money if they choose to sell it.
You had the opportunity to chose some of your mother's jewellery and chose not to do so, for whatever reason.
Now you are harbouring grudges over decisions you were both free to make. This is how family feuds start, if they haven't already.

I agree with you about the freezer - once you give someone something like that you can't dictate what they do with it afterwards.

But I think you're being a bit harsh regarding the rings. Sure - legally they were hers to do as she liked with. But she chose them at age 14 - perhaps having no real understanding of the sentimental value to the family.

It would not have hurt the younger sibling to be considerate enough to give her sister first option to buy them - she admitted she didn't particularly need the money and bought costume jewellery with the proceeds.

I don't know what the relationship is like between the two of them - there does seem to be some antagonist feelings - but her response, that the rings were hers and she could do what she liked with them smacks of self-entitlement and thoughtlessness.

Some people aren't fussed about family heirlooms - fair enough - but they could at least recognise the fact that others are.

I don’t have children but have 3 nieces. One I know will treasure the more antique jewellery that has been handed. And would keep it in the family Another would probably prefer to sell the rings I have willed to her so I have chosen pieces that will make that easier for her. The other niece loves books so she is getting the good ones and a few keepsakes. It has been interesting allocating it but glad I have done it. Lodged with our solicitor along with the will

Mattsmum2

I’m afraid in generations to come there will be more scrap value placed on these items. Life in my opinion is for living, not the sentimentality of the past. Sorry if that offends anyone ?‍♀️

... I think what might offend is the assumption that there is necessarily something mawkish about an attachment to a family heirloom and that such an attachment somehow indicates that you are not 'living' your life.

And what, in reality, is "^the sentimentality of the past^"? The past cannot of itself be sentimental, it is, simply, history. It's the way it's viewed that is relevant. And it really is possible to have an affection for a family heirloom which has a specific relevance to a family's history and live life in the present. One does not prohibit the other.

I've never been sentimental about "stuff" so when my mum gave me her rings I passed the wedding ring onto my sister and the others to her nieces in Canada she'd never met .the girls were delighted to have them as they lost their mum when they were young and she had talked about my mother to them a lot.

The only things I have kept are a toy bought for my baby's pram ( she never came home) and the hats knitted for the two babies who did ,one was very tiny under 5 pounds at 11 weeks old .I didn't keep them for me ,just to let them see how wee they had been.
I find it strange to be attached to inanimate objects ,my memories are with me always and I dont need "things" to remember people who died.
I'm not a looking back through rose tinted specs person ,ever. I prefer to look to the future .

I am sad that others got choose what they want and I didn't

I have always valued any things, not just jewellery, left to me by family members. When I married my second husband, I asked my mother if we could use her mother's wedding ring. (She said, "Of course" and I still wear and treasure it although it is worn paper thin since it went on her finger in the late 19th century. I have and often wear other family jewellery, some of which is quite valuable.

However, a few years ago my daughter was in dire financial circumstances and I was not, at that time, in much of a position to help her out. I had a pile of family wedding rings, including my mother's, that I had also inherited from various aunts. I was never going to wear any of them and I don't need "things" to remind me of those I love who are no longer with me. I gave them to absent daughter and told her to sell them, which she did for a surprising amount of money.

When you give someone something, or they are given something by someone else, it is their's to keep, to give to someone else, to sell. You do not have a say in the matter.

The more I read/hear and observe of people, the more I do not understand. Some people seem to me to be 'soulless'. There is no answer. People are as they are.