Is fifty years not enough?

Plnkcosmos I do the same. I think about where I'd like to go and then ask which one do you fancy. Then I organise it. I always show my OH photos of the hotel or the gite or whatever we will be staying in. He's happy to let me get on with it and I like doing the planning.

When we lived in England I had a friend who used to say things like "I'd like D to take me on holiday to..." Or "I'd like D to buy this for my birthday." My response was why not just buy it for yourself? (She could afford it) One year we were on holiday with a group of friends and this couple were with us for the first week. After they'd returned home we received a telegram asking us to buy a necklace that she'd been admiring and to bring it to her birthday party, without letting on.

Like my own, this friend's OH was very thoughtful and helpful almost all of the time. What more could you want?

Quizzes, please don’t stay upset for too long. Flowers and gifts mean nothing. I’m sure I have mentioned this earlier, but I’m too lazy to check. My husband (now ex) bought me expensive presents and bunches of red roses, all the time he was having an affair. He eventually left me for her. It doesn’t mean a thing Quizzer, but ofcourse, I can understand how hurt you are ..

As usual so many harsh responses that it makes me wonder why people post on here at all.
Quizzer felt hurt and, no matter whether one thinks it justified or not, deserves some kind words not a bruising critique. I think she indicates herself that she's not proud of having returned the present so there is no need to rub salt in the wounds.
For what it's worth, I do sympathise with the OP and feel that she should tell her husband how she felt at his paltry marking of this occasion. If he responds with an apology, then he is probably a decent chap and a belated lowkey celebration could be mutually agreed to.
Quizzer, I hope you are able to get past this upset and move on.

I think that it was quite spiteful of you returning the gift that you bought for him. Especially as it was something that he had admired. I never expect to be given a gift because I had bought one. After fifty years of marriage you ought to have discussed your expectations with your husband. It's a running joke in our family that I purchase ALL the cards including those intended for myself.

It’s not too late to train him up. It is possible to teach old dogs new tricks. If gifts and celebrations are meaningful for you embrace it and make it a project to ensure that from now on he knows it. Because you’re worth it as they say. Lots of reminders ( not hints) , directions of what sort of thing you’d like him to buy and when - direct him . If you keep at it for each and every birthday, anniversary - yours and other people’s, you’ll get what you want and in time he may get a glimmer of the idea that this is important to you. He probably has had all this sort of social oiling of the wheels done for him so he’s had a gap in his education .

Been with my chap 40+ years. Many years ago, to save disappointment (mine) we agreed (amicably) that we could not give cards or gifts to each other for any occasion but would give each other a book at Christmas. One Christmas about 20 years ago he gave me a Travel Guide to Berlin. I thought surely a trip would follow. He never mentioned Berlin again. Next Christmas I suggested (without mentioning Berlin) that we not bother with the book thing.

I am clearly of a different mindset, l love celebrating special occasions! To me if a person has taken the time and trouble in their busy schedule to make time to buy and send a card, to me it speaks volumes. Every big milestone we have celebrated in one way or another and now can look back over all those special celebrations with lovely memories, surely that’s important in life , making brilliant memories for as many people as possible! I would be devastated if my husband didn’t bother

After many years of birthdays, Chrustmas, St Valentine' s day, presents for birth of children and anniversaries ......phew! It is difficult for us all to find something we are sure would please. As an anniversary is about you both, you could ( still) suggest a show in London, tea at the Ritz, the new restaurant down the road etc etc. Time to lower your expectations methinks ...and realise that it will only happen if you research, suggest, book ..etc yourself!

Dinahmo - I don’t think my Dh has ever organised a holiday in all our 50 years

If I waited for my DH to organise a holiday we would never go anywhere.

I do all of the holiday organising. DH is always happy to go.

I am not prepared to cut my nose off to spite my face - as they say

Well if he hasn’t done anything for 50 years he won’t start now! You let him get away with indifference for too long….my ex was like that…..but if you’ve been together 50 years there must be love there so that should be celebrated….do you need a showy gift?.

I think others have got it right here, if he never bothered before then why would you expect him to now. My DH was in hospital on our 50th last November but he arranged for my daughter to get something delivered for me and my daughter and I drove to the hospital and waved to him through the window. He was home for Christmas and did the same, asking my daughter to buy stuff on kine for me a d treating me to a years Disney+ subscription. He's always been like that. Unfortunately he got readmitted to hospital in January and contracted Covid-19 whilst in there so there will be no more spoiling me. Be happy you are still alive. Although if you are not happy with him then make your own happiness within the marriage and leave him to his miserable self.

I believe there are only a few of us, I may be wrong, who try to do something special for an anniversary. We have just celebrated our 55th, that's Emerald and I managed to find a card for my wife with both 55 on and Emerald. We celebrated our Golden Anniversary with a dinner at a local hotel for 40 guests including our bridesmaid and page boys and our friends from years gone by. No dinner this year due to pandemic and my wife being critically vulnerable due to Myeloma/Covid, but a 5 day break at the end of this week in a Railway themed hotel in the New Forest should make up for that.

My DH makes cards. Some years ago he made a great anniversary card which was written "to us and from us". It lives on the wall in the study and gets brought into the lounge on the appropriate day. We both know how much we mean to each other and don't feel the need to exchange cards and presents.

Next year is our golden wedding and we have already agreed that it warrants the making of a new card. I'm sure we'll mark the day somehow, as we have done the last 49.

I also agree with Baggs. Why should it be up the man to organise it?

My DH has always remembers anniversaries birthdays etc. The cards are often not what a woman would choose, flowers vary from supermarket to delivery. I probably go to a bit more trouble with him. I knew from the start what he was like when my 21 key was in a box marked male, and another was wrapped in a vest box from the Co-op.
Go out and buy something together, maybe a painting of somewhere you have been or liked. For our 40th years ago now we bought two paintings of the view we always saw when we went on the beach as children . My DD got a lovely one of the town they married in for their wedding anniversary.
My husband has never been one for jewellery, never worn a wedding ring which was upsetting at the time until his friend lost his on purpose down the toilet. Though he does buy me things.
It's not an insult they are just different to us, though some women don't care either.
Tell him you think it is something special to celebrate and ask for his suggestions I wouldn't tell about the present you took back it sounds petty.
I hope you come up with something that pleases you both.{flowers}

Ditto … my husband. Most men are NOT like this …. no other man in my family anyway. They just dont care about their wives enough to make them happy.I know mine doesn’t . .

I agree with the comment asking whether he has (mostly, I would add) treated you with love and kindness throughout your 50 years together. No fancy card or present can make up for years of being vaguely unhappy.

Personally, I wouldn't have taken his present back. Perhaps when he saw that the day was something special to you he might have suggested going out somewhere nice or having a couple of days away.

To be honest, I don't really like receiving presents. I find it embarrassing and difficult to feign pleasure when I get something that I really don't want. And that makes me feel awful when I know someone has gone to the trouble of buying something. I do like to receive a nice card though.

Did you receive cards from anyone else, stating Golden Wedding on them. Has he noticed?
Do you have children who could have 'gently' reminded him ?
I would also be hurt and somewhat annoyed but probably in the lead up I would have said 'what shall we get each other for our golden wedding?

I would have returned the gift I had bought too. Fifty years is amazing well done. I would book myself a lovely weekend away, go without him and say I need to recover from your insensitive behaviour.

I’m talking of my own parents here, my dad (75) has been terrible for gifts, remembering dates, and over the years it has hurt my mum, when she compares to other women who are made to feel ‘special’ . Yet, she is always so optimistic snd says he’s always provided and been a real handy man around the house, saving them lots of money… they love their home, she knows he loves her for making sure he gives her the home she wants…New kitchen, or back breaking work to get rockery stones up to the garden etc etc Sometimes it doesn’t have to be cards/gifts if shown in other ways. I’m sure your husband loves you very much, maybe a little honesty with how you feel, may just make him realise he should show his appreciation sometimes. Us women, do expect men to be mind readers ?

I didn't say he'd contributed nothing, kittylester

When I was married it hurt a lot that my now ex disn’t bother much with cards and presents - especially the year he spent money we couldn’t afford to join an exclusive golf club and gave me a cheap box of chocolates on my birthday, when he got home from work.
My OH now is so different. I feel loved and cherished all the time. We do exchange presents, sometimes for no reason at all, but as for anniversaries we know it is some time in October so the date comes and goes without any worry about being offended or hurt.
A card or a present doesn’t mean anything if it is just a ritual event. What happens throughout the year is more important.

If he’s always been like this then you’re being unreasonable to expect change now. I appreciate it’s upsetting - if you love someone then you should also show them love in the way they need to be shown it. I haven’t any patience with idea that because it doesn’t matter to you then it shouldn’t matter to your partner - that’s a selfish lazy way of loving - we’re all different in the way we need to be shown love. But if you’ve let him get away with this kind of behaviour for 50 years that’s entirely on you.
If it’s going to continue to bother you it’s not too late to have a heart to heart about this though. If you haven’t spelt out to him before how much you’d appreciate the occasional thoughtful gift from him then he may respond more positively than you think. It would be interesting to find out exactly why he doesn’t think he needs to mark occasions that matter to you so much.
My husband and I had to work on this - I had been getting upset that he didn’t initiate outings or give me flowers for special occasions but it turned out that I’d been overly critical in the past of things he had tried to initiate and it had put him off trying. Once we talked it over and he understood I’d just been worried because he was spending too much at a time when we couldn’t afford it he scaled his gestures back a bit and I could start enjoying what he initiated. It may be worth a talk now - hopefully you have years ahead of you to work on this.

I guess that it would have been nice for your husband to have actually acknowledged the 50 years, but to many men, even going to the effort of actually remembering as well as buying a card would be enough!
Some of us are guilty of expecting them to be mind readers - if you haven't made a fuss of previous years, why expect him to treat this one any differently ?
I'd spend the money that you had refunded from his present on a spa day and order myself some flowers and tell him why!

I think most men don't attach as much importance or meaning to anniversaries etc as many women do. To be honest, I don't either. DH and I stopped getting anniversary cards and presents for each other many years ago. We always remember and mention it but that's all. But we've been happily together for 40- odd years.

So many things bothered me about the original post and I am not sure how to say anything without seeming hard but I will give it a go
Firstly, he bought you a card, ok it wasn’t the one you expected but he acknowledged your anniversary, made the effort and got a card.
Secondly you admit that he is not good at buying presents, you know this about him, honestly why did you expect him to be any different this time. People don’t usually change after 50 years.
Thirdly if you really wanted this to be a special occasion could you have not told him you would like to go out for dinner or something or if covid prevented that tell him you would like a special meal at home and could he buy wine.
But honestly what saddened me the most was you bought him a gift but returned it to punish him. That really says a lot.
I myself have never understood the huge importance people place on single days, so much emotion wrapped up in one moment in time and most of the time someone is bound to be disappointed.