AIBU Daughter in Law issues

For everyone commenting
I never once demanded overnights, I never once expected anything.
I did not question or interrogate them.

They were the ones that brought it up. Them not her mother not me ....them. They were talking about it and asking for our insight. Not us.

I don’t think I’m entitled to anything at all. I have been nothing but encouraging to my youngest and she felt comfortable enough expressing her concerns to me. In multiple comments I have addressed what my sons have said. My middle son doesn’t agree with dil but stands by her as he is her wife.

My youngest son and dil were only even discussing this because they got an email from the daycare.

Lucca there usually is, maybe we should have a gransnet mediation service and bring the DILs into the discussion lol

OK that probably wouldn't work but would be interesting

Babyshark

I don’t think what your middle dil did was that bad at all.

Really? Being spiteful and tellings lies is pretty bad in my book.

The common sense works both ways.
I didn’t get the impression from the OP that any access had been demanded ? Merely a question about their plans, if any, for childcare.
However I sense there may be more to this than meets the eye....

Lucca hard to say why some grand parents stopped using common sense and started demanding access instead of waiting until parents needed/wanted support. It is a shame new parents need rules to protect their right to parent their way. Especially when the way things are done has changed so much. Maybe us older generations need to make more effort to keep up.

If the OP was being told she would not be allowed to see and visit the grandchildren, that would be a problem. It does not seem to be the case. Enjoy being grandparents without the extra work! You have offered to help, if need be. Enough! One of the advantages of being grandparents is the oft-quoted “You can enjoy them but then give them back.”

By the way, I am also an RN and would never have dreamed of assuming it gave me extra rights over my grandchildren.

How sad all these “rules “ being made.
What has happened to common sense and talking.

Deborahrose I don't think the DIL is being unreasonable in all of that.

The one who has my sympathy is the baby! Only 3 weeks old, but already everyone is talking about who is going to be looking after him and when. The only person he needs at the moment is his mother.

Back off, give the DIL and your son time to get used to being parents. IF they want your help at some stage, be gracious and accept. Until then, leave them to settle with their baby.

you are obviously and educated competant and experienced person, yet you seem to lack some insight.
i guess we all do, when it comes to our own outlook and behaviour.
do you honestly believe that if someone does not agree with accepting what you offer, that is absurd.
can you not see how absurd that statement is.

Your DILs don't sound unreasonable. I think it is fine to say you are available to help with childcare if they are interested in that, then drop the subject unless they come to you about it. Please don't blame your DILs for decisions that are equally your own sons' decisions too though.

Parenting is different now and there are considerations we never had, like GPR and preferring daycare over family minding children might have more to do with what they perceive as the benefits childcare offers vs. family. Also, even though they have looked into daycare, for all you know DIL is now considering being a SAHM for a time and won't need care.

In the end, all these decisions are theirs to make by right and GPs have no say in it. There is no issue with DIL or your sons as far as any of the situations you have raised. The onl y issue is that it doesn't suit what you would choose, so you need to manage your own expectations and support them in their parenting and choices.

I love how it’s always a DIL issue. Your son would never make a decision you don’t agree with. Right? Give me a break. Considering you already have one estranged son, DIL and GC, I would learn to respect boundaries. Don’t question their choices because quite honestly, it’s not your business why they do the things they do.

"Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s absurd to not want grandparents to help take care of a child if they are offering?."

Answering your question- yes, you are being very unreasonable.

It is not absurd to say no to an offer.

It is unreasonable to expect a yes just because you offer.

This applies to everybody, dna link or not.

Agreeing with others here, their child, their rules. Your DS and DIL have obviously given a good deal of thought as to how they plan to parent. And I agree a GP role is to support that, be a role model and spoil the kids (within reason).
Unfortunately I think DIL has seen what could be perceived as over stepping with middle DIL - issues with holidays, trying to claim “1sts” and kissing baby. To her and DS’s credit they have set out their stall so to speak and have let you know what their expectations are in terms of your involvement. This could organically change if you are happy to respect their parenting choices, as their child grows up assuming you follow their lead and trust develops.
As a 1st time mum I’d honestly be a bit wary of you just now given the issues around middle DIL, so please tread carefully - I know you’re full of good intentions and trying to help, but help is only really truly help if it’s actually something that is required, otherwise it’s perceived as interference.

Magic vaginas sounds like a workable theory

I’m on a few Facebook groups that heavily and I mean really heavily educate what states have GPR and urge people never to give their relative ammunition when it comes to their children. No matter how much they may never believe their family would never sue them for visiting. No matter how close they are now etc.

It’s like divorce. Nobody ever goes into a marriage believing they’re getting divorced. But a lot of people just put in safety nets just in case. Because nobody wants to be caught out if it ever does happen.

I am also curious why it is always the women’s fault and never these poor defenceless men.
On some of the groups the theory is magic vaginas.

Deborahrose I agree with other posters that you must stand back and let your son & his wife make their own decisions about childcare. It’s very early days, anyway.
The situation of grandparents’ visitation rights is clearly very different in the USA from the situation here in the U.K, where grandparents very rarely have visitation rights (as opposed to sometimes becoming the child’s full-time carer & having custody).
It just shows I think that sometimes laws are passed and then have unintended consequences - it seems very sad to me that because some grandparents do get visitation rights, this actually deters parents from allowing a natural relationship to develop with the child’s grandparents.
I hope things work out for you.

I wont derail this thread about middle dil when it's about youngest dil and son and baby.

"Went off on me and told her that I’m trying to steal her firsts and that I wasn’t allowed to buy gifts for him."

Goodness people are awfully concerned about "firsts" these days, aren't they? Glad you gave her the receipt, so sorry to hear she didn't take the hint.

Sorry it wound up like that with the middle one. As long as you get comfy with the youngest daughter-in-law and son leading in the parenting of their new addition and leaving the grandparenting to you, I don't foresee any issues.

Right now she's leading by saying they've not made up their minds, best follow along and leave it be. Whatever decision they arrive at will be right for them, I'm sure.

Apologies for asking as I could be very off-base:

Could it have possibly been a "race" between grandmothers, here? You were both visiting and she must have felt a little on-the-spot. One of the first visits and we're talking about childcare, bang, right out the gate!

I can't comprehend the recent focus on "unsupervised time" as a trend. Shouldn't that happen organically, not as terms of some agreement?

I will say this... If you become known as the easygoing gran who's happy to go along with mum and dad's decisions without so much as raising a question, you will find a LOT of love pouring in all around. I think most of us learn that the hard way. Be the agreeable gran!

@ Hithere
For example she wanted to celebrate Christmas with her family on Christmas. So she wanted me to change the day my family celebrates Christmas on a different day. So we have lot of family over on Christmas so she wanted me to not only rearrange my schedule but everyone else’s too.

My son asked her couldn’t we just rotate and she said she felt it was important that she saw her family and celebrated the holidays every year on the day.

It doesn’t but she doesn’t have to lie about it. Especially when I told her that I supported her decision and to make sure she tells the nurses exactly what she wants and they can follow it to the best of their ability. Son also said it was wrong for her to outright lie. He was shocked when her family showed up.

It was an accident that I apologized for. My son also agreed. It wasn’t a multiple boundary crossing thing but said he had to stand with his wife.

100% agree with Iam64 on this. Sound advice.

Oh grammar!

The first example - I think it is ok to want to change dates with one party to be able to make it and share the celebration with both parties.
Is it that she wanted to spend the exact date with her family and not yours?
Need more info.

So in the second example, she was keeping you at arm's lenght.
Giving birth is not an spectator's show and I am afraid she didn't want you there.
Just because her family was there, it doesn't mean you had the right to be there too

The third one- yes, i agree with your dil.

I think in the case, boundaries were broken so many times that your son and middle dil had enough. It is about the kiss but not about the kiss.

I wouldn't compare what a dil (and her husband- your sons) allows you to do with their kids vs the other couples.
There are different individuals, different personalities and it is not one size fits all.

What worries me is that your youngest dil and son are taking into consideration middle dil's comments about gpr.

Many couples get along with relatives till they have a baby and the bomb goes off

Oh! Your sons are ALSO active participants of the family decisions.
So your son and dil wanted to have the date changed in your first example.

I don’t think what your middle dil did was that bad at all.

You need to adjust your expectations and let your children and their partners make decisions about their own children. It’s really none of your business and your job is to support them with whatever decisions they make.

Was it just me that was very protective of my kids and didn’t want anybody else ‘interfering’? I would have never been happy in letting them go for sleepovers when they were tiny, not until school age and even then I missed them and couldn’t wait to get them back! So yes it’s their prerogative.

@ Hithere and @ Chewbacca

Son and daughter brought it up when son got an email about one of the daycares that had already pre-registered for for a virtual interview.