Family gatherings overload AIBU

Just from a different perspective .....
I find this all very contradictory, as on one hand you say that your life is centred around travel ,the good life and your many friends , but then you go on to say you suffer from social anxiety , are hard of hearing a with short attention span , so how have you coped in those situations?
I take it that your SIL is aware that you both enjoy your holidays and socialising with your many friends , so , one would assume from that that you would enjoy the family gatherings also , so no doubt this is one reason why she keeps sending you family invites .

I can sympathise. I used to dread the invitations but was too polite to refuse. However, now, if I'm put on the spot I'll say "I need to check my diary and that's at home" (if out) or "that date rings a bell - can I get back to you?" And then reply No, sorry, we're not free" (I never give an explanation). Also, I never do it in front of DH as he's always too anxious to keep everyone happy, so he agrees, forgetting what happens when we go (he stands in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone, and then, on the way home, says he's SO glad it's over). Very occasionally I go to family occasions but it usually reminds me why I don't. At the moment, they may be inviting you out of politeness, and the fact that you always go gives them the signal that you WANT to keep receiving these invitations. The only way you're going to break that cycle is to start refusing some of them. PS If it's children's parties you particularly don't like, you can start with those.

I used to be a real party girl but I have to say that gradually over the past few years I've begun to realise that I no longer enjoy social gatherings, even more so when music and dancing is involved. I find the chatting quite difficult and tiring. I often only hear background noise and havent a clue what people round me are talking about so totally sympathise. It does spoil things. Nowadays I only enjoy social events of 4-6 people. I would explain to you SiL that although you would love to be at the party it would be quite difficult to enjoy. Surely she would understand this. Perhaps arrange to meet for lunch instead? Good luck.

Why not stretch the truth a little and sat how much you have appreciated your time together in the past (better to have been invited than ignored) but as your health conditions deteriorate you feel that you cannot continue as you have in the past. Maybe ask SIL to send you some photos of the event...

Just decline politely. It's not, "obvious" as someone suggested, that your SIL wants you there, she may well do but she may also be issuing, "duty invitations" for all you know and heave a sigh of relief when she recieves a refusal. As for not having to explain, it is really rude to not give a reason for declining an invitation but if you don't feel comfortable telling the truth, make something up; just make sure you won't get rumbled!

There are so many people who feel left out when not invited to family events and here you are complaining that they include you and your OH. That sounds mean but you get my drift. Of course you shouldn’t go if you don’t want to or if it makes you anxious but there are kind ways to refuse an invite rather than some of the suggestions above. Letting your SIL know how difficult it is for you to attend will probably bring relief all round as I suspect it’s obvious that you don’t want to be there. They are asking out of politeness and inclusiveness, you are going for the same reasons but you can and should address this kindly with your family. I’ll bet any kind of money that it is noticed that you are not there willingly (having experienced this with a relative or two), everyone talks behind their back but no one actually wants to stop inviting out of politeness. Please do everyone a favour and just tell them. Good luck.

You have my sympathy, nothing worse than having to endure social gatherings you really don't wish to attend. My DH says things like 'you'll like it once you're there' and have in the past been badgered into going just to please others. What I'm trying to say is, start pleasing yourselves more. Just say, thanks for thinking of us but its not our thing so we wont be there, I hope the weather stays fine for you though. And rapidly change the subject & get off the phone fast (cake in the oven, boiling pan, window cleaner to pay, must dash - cheerio, nice to hear from you, byeeee. put phone down )

Maybe you could be honest with your SIL and tell her how anxious these gatherings and invites make you feel - you don’t have to tell her that you would not be interested. She probably thinks that she is making sure you don’t feel left out and adrift from the family.

You have a great excuse. Another idea as you love animals take a large unruly dog next time and you won’t be invited again.

Why are they doing these gatherings during Covid?

I have a longstanding back injury problem. It can make travelling, sitting, standing and walking extremely painful.

Therefore, I always say I'll attend if I feel up to it, on the day. I can't predict how I'll be.

I can just pop in for an hour or so, too, then leave if my back plays up. Nobody expects me to suffer.

I must say, it's very useful in limiting my obligation to go or stay at these events. More sociable relatives always invite me, thinking (mistakenly) that I must be so lonely and upset to miss out.

My problem is genuine, but I also have a ready excuse to stay away if I don't feel like going.

Perhaps you could develop a 'dodgy back' too?

No OP doesn’t have to explain if she doesn’t want to.

However, perhaps the family may understand. Maybe they do care about their relatives and that’s why they invite them.

why should she have to explain anything.
she is not a prisoner in custody.
she doesn't need a good enough reason, or a letter from the doctor. she is an autonomous person. she has the absolute right not to have to suffer needlessly, just to humour people who don't know or care about her.
if they did, they would have noticed that these events are an endurance not a joy, and stop badgering her.

So maybe explain your problem to the family as you must have done to your friends.

ginny. I do enjoy friends as they are long term and know my problems and accept that I may cancel at short notice. I cannot cope with being around a lot of people and noisy events. Unfortunately, family affairs seem to involve loud music and worst of all, discos.

SueDonim. You do understand how it feels to suffer from this condition. I have become so used to how I feel that I am able to adjust and others cannot see the internal battles that are going on. Sometimes I feel that they have little sympathy and that I am only invited as the 'other half' to my DH.

they are probably inviting you out of a misplaced sense of duty, and you are accepting wearily for the same reason.
you are not a party person.
this is a waste of your time.
and if it's not duty, it's bossiness by SIL.
just. say. no.

I too prefer to spend my time with my OH or our few friends or on my own. We're not great socialisers. I think if you say no quite a few times, that you have something else on or don't have much energy nowadays, invitations will gradually dwindle. But I wouldn't stop entirely. They are your husband's family so I think it would be a bit unkind.

I get the impression the OP likes to choose when and where she socialises, with friends, and it’s the family get togethers that she finds difficult. I can well understand she doesn’t want to go to endless family ‘do’s’ and kids parties. But SIL is probably trying to include them in all these activities, conscious they have no children or grandchildren of their own.

Why not have a good chat with DH, both compromise a bit, go to a selected few family events, and tactfully turn down many of the others? If you can get him to unite with you over this, it should be ok.

Nobody needs to go anywhere that they don’t want to , especially at the moment .

I am a little confused though as you say you lead an active life with friends and travel and then you say you have a quiet life and suffer social anxiety.

Just say you can’t go but send good wishes and a gift if appropriate.

Wild horses wouldn't force me to any gatherings this side of the year---even to forgo my own octogenarian celebration.

I don't look forward to social gatherings either and I'm enjoying having the excuse of covid19 for the time being.

Photo not working sotry.

I agree with SueDonim explain to your sister in law that your health issues make social occasions difficult and you need to limit them. I think you are right to feel your wishes are important too. Be careful how you approach this with your sister in law as she clearly wants to keep you involved with the family.

You could try this

life is short.
your life is yours to live as you wish, within the law, and not harming anyone.
read up on assertive communication.
find a few phrases to use, preferably by text/email to repel these onslaughts.
you do not have to explain, excuse or discuss.
keep it short. thank for the invitation, simply say, but we will not be attending on this occasion. hope you all have a nice time.