Women who want a divorce but don't want to lose the lifestyle

Agree entirely with you IZABELLA, not to have that
daily resentment mess going on in my head is wonderfull.
Yes changes have to be made but the ones you keep are
because you can and want to and thats pure gold!

I totally agree with Apple gran but with one point. What if the husband won’t agree or even talk to a councillor or even try and sort it out with his wife . Then what ? As what is happening with my marriage ..

Take note of this.

It sounds like something out of the 19th century when women married for a life of being provided for. I'm with paddyann in this though not against SAHMs. I've always thought that women are better off retaining their own financial independence so that remaining in a relationship or not is a matter of personal choice not compulsion.
Before people jump down my throat, I know that's not always possible but young women today should take of this and bear it in mind before falling into the same situation.

I'm impressed by the recognition here of the very many different contexts that might affect a woman's decision.

In your friends' cases, MaryTheBookeeper I wonder if age plays into this? I think a relatively comfortable life vs risking a suddenly impoverished old age might be a difficult one to weigh up (though as some have said there may be enough money for a reasonable settlement). But I'm with you - I wouldn't judge and prefer compassion; it seems desperately sad.

Ditto Isabella. Been there done it never regretted leaving nor giving it all up. Happiness and peace of mind is more important than maintaining a lifestyle

Davidhs. Totally agree. I left, with two teenage children and had some horribly sad times that I can hardly bear to think about, but gained independence And became a nicer person I think, and my son now praises me for having the courage to leave an Unhappy marriage.
I should add that ex and I were and are civil to each other. Actually we had a drink together the day the decree absolute came through !

Good on you Izabella and Chewbacca wishing you all the best

This is a mainly female forum so it going to be biased, there are plenty of cases where it is the man being used and the man being made homeless and loosing his family.

The law is even handed as far as it can be a married woman has a right to half the married property including a share of any pensions accumulated. Maintaining lifestyle cuts both way there will be changes, family members even friends will take sides, maybe you move to a different area. The house may need to be sold, life in a flat or a rented property will be different, the change for a man is exactly the same.

Maybe your man is earning more, maybe you haven’t been working, that is your choice, if you leave, you have to support yourself. You won’t be homeless in reality, if you have money you rent or buy, if you don’t it’s social housing and benefits.

If you are unhappy and can’t resolve your differences get divorced and start afresh, happiness is priceless.

I know of two people like this, and wondering if it’s more common than we think, there’s no way I could stay with a husband just because he provides a good lifestyle and be unhappy, life’s far too short, sitting thinking well I don’t love him but I enjoy the material things he provides, nah not for me, I’d rather have less money peace of mind, very selfish attitude

Oh Izabella, you're dead right there! That first step is terrifying! That first night of being on your own in a strange house with barely anything in it, with your few bits that you brought with you and wondering how on earth you were going to survive and whether you've made a terrible mistake. But there's never been a minute that I've regretted my decision and I'm proud of how far I've come, on my own, since then.

Been there and done that. The first step is the most difficult, but it is onwards and upwards after that. You cannot equate money with happiness - I know!

I would never judge another woman either for leaving or staying in an unhappy marriage. Because I am not in her place and I can’t really know what it is like for her. I would say a home and money is important to most of us. I admire women who walk away with nothing. They are brave. And I am glad they are happy. But I wouldn’t condemn a woman who was unable to do that. After all she has to live with unhappiness. There are also issues of families being torn apart. We all make compromises of all kinds in life. I would feel compassion for any other woman who has to bear unhappiness. Whatever that unhappiness is. Life is not easy for many of us I think. And when it is easy or easy in some things, then we are blessed.

My friend didn’t want a divorce but she “ignored/denied” his infidelities because she wanted to keep her very good lifestyle.
The fact that most people in both families and their social circle knew all this would have humiliated me but she just carried on regardless.
They have moved on so much now I think no one remembers or new contacts never knew.

I don't feel any sympathy towards them I left with much the same as chewbacca to a very different lifestyle I've had one holiday in ten years however compared to how I felt then everyday is a holiday peace of mind and freedom bring more happiness

Seems to me a very selfish way to behave - they are using their husbands in a most exploitative way.

I'm sorry but what does this say? Financial gain is more important than happiness? Maybe because I have been happily married for 40 years I really get mad when people say they are feeling sorry for some one who remains in an unhappy marriage for financial gain. A family member of my family walked away from her marriage due to unhappiness without a penny, both had worked hard to provide a good quality of life and she was earning more. For her happiness outweighed financial gain and guess what she has remarried and is so much happier. Money isn't every thing, but peace of mind and happiness are. If people decide to remain in an unhappy marriage then that is upto them, but I would not feel sorry for them as it is their choice. I worked full time until I retired last year, so maybe your friends if not working could. I'm sorry for my outburst and if I have upset anyone, but I have nursed many women who ended up hurt because of remaining in dysfunctional marriage.

Are not such women using their husbands? I can see why an unhappy woman might wish to leave her husband, but what about the poor chap whose wife publicly humiliates him by telling all her friends that she no longer wants to be married to him, but continues to live in luxury at his expense? I see no cause to pity a woman in such circumstances.

I should stress that I do absolutely sympathise with those women who are desperate or abused, but for whom leaving the family home would put them at risk or make them homeless. That’s quite a different scenario.

My divorce cost me thousands because ex kept refusing to go to court and when he did he hadn’t yet done what was asked of him and no punishment for him for doing so.

In the endI was so stressed ( and out of pocket) that I negotiated a lump sum and gave up on pension sharing etc as I couldn’t stand it any longer. I’m convinced he had an extra Account full of money too that he didn’t declare but I didn’t have enough evidence to prove it. He definitely was much better off I left the house with a tiny amount of personal stuff and nothing else . I re- equipped a house from scratch BUT the freedom from a controlling horrible man was priceless I just realised one day I couldn’t live like it anymore. I don’t have much money now but I am SO much happier. Money doesn’t but you any happiness in my opinion

It really is down to what is more important to you in the end.
I chose independence over material gains and I am so happy I did
If you feel more unhappy than happy in the marriage you choose what feels best to you
I am much happier without all those surplus material things in my life anyway
The more you have the more you have to worry about

Snap, Chewbacca, but instead of my hairdryer, I left with my cat.

in an oppressive marriange where the husband is controlling, the wife may lose her sense of self and not be able to see herself on her own making a new life . She can 'disappear' as an independent person psychologically. I believe for instance where the husband is physically abusive, it takes wives on average something like 7 years to leave him. It may not be the holiday home and comfortable life style these wives are really afraid of losing, but they may be fearful of the life they would or will have once they leave. Its a big step. I wonder how many of them are in marriages which are not as bad as those I've described here and which could come back to a good shared life, if they sought counselling. Whatever way it is for them, I hope they can find a better and happier way ahead. My own experience of leaving an oppressive husband was very hard and painful - but worth it and now I am re-married and living happily. I know I have been lucky and wish that for others too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't feel much sympathy for women who profess not to love their husbands but stay because they enjoy the affluent lifestyle he provides. If the feeling is mutual I doubt if the husbands will be around for long; then these wives might begin to appreciate what they have lost.

I once made a list of all the part time, piece meal jobs I’d had whilst the children were of school age, and I was classed as a SAHM. It ran to two A4 pages.