Partner has pics of ex wife on Facebook

I'm not sure what tagged means
It means that the friend probably took them at a time when they were all together as friends

Mambypamby - I'm so glad you're getting help with this as it seems to me that there are underlying issues of insecurity and a good counsellor will give you opportunities to explore this within a wider context.

Notanan I agree - life is a continuum - a whole series of “new” , old, past and present - perhaps I was swept away by his initial keenness to move on from that and his anger towards her for her affair - I sort of comforted him in licking his wounds and yes probably did not take a moment to look after myself. Hence I have got lost in his feelings and focussed on him rather than myself - I should be able to detach and revel in my own self worth. I am working on it. Loving all the replies by the way - feeling quite like I’ve been put back in my box ... ?

And he tags mamby's partner to draw attention to them?
Nope, I wouldn't like it.

Just as well I'm neither in a relationship or on Facebook.

Ignore me, mamby.
I've probably got issues.

Thank you MissAdventure for understanding - not expecting sympathy as I do want to change but empathy in small doses can help to heal ... I have my reasons for such emotionally dysfunctional/self sabotaging behaviour ?

Just to clarify notanan - the friends weren’t in the photos it’s just the two of them - at an event that they were all at, granted, and there are also some of the ex on her own! I can’t imagine my partner would be impressed if I had pics of my ex on his own on my Facebook page. Or indeed any pics of us together.

Well, at least you have a different opinion given by me, even if I'm the only one.
Really though, the pictures don't need to make an ounce of difference to your life, unless you make it so, and it would be a bit daft.

I hope you can sort things out a bit, and feel more at ease with it all.

Just to clarify notanan - the friends weren’t in the photos it’s just the two of them - at an event that they were all at

Then who took it?
If it was taken by someone else at an event they were all at together its hardly an intimate moment, its a memory of time spent with friends

If your relationship was built on you being his shoulder to cry on when he was initially angry at his ex, than maybe it has run its course. Not many rebound relationships last. If this one is to last then it needs to not be about the ex being villified.

Now the dust has settled it would be good if he could build a new civil, maybe even friendly relationship with his ex for the sake of their family and friends. They will be co parents & family forever no matter how big the kids get. Dont be an obstacle in that.

I wasn’t the first relationship he had after his separation. He was actively “dating” and had a short relationship before me. I truly believe it has not run its course. I’ve met and spoken with the ex and it’s all very civil - we were both at a recent family funeral and were perfectly polite and respectful towards each other. Honestly this is not about vilification or revenge. Reading through the posts I’m grateful to everyone for their perspectives - especially lean towards the sympathisers but fully take on the harsh words of wisdom which have served to make me take stock. I have realised that I do not want to sabotage this relationship but even more importantly I need to realise my own self worth and build my self esteem.

we were both at a recent family funeral and were perfectly polite and respectful towards each other

Its not about you though.
He is the one who needs a relationship with her, not you.
And that might not be somehing you are particularly involved in.

You're new on the scene and you came on the scene when things were raw between them. The relationship they have going forward as co parents actually has very little to do with you. As does the ongoing relationship they both have with family and friends.

Mambypamby you sound like a lovely, reasonable person who is just, temporarily, experiencing some discomfort at seeing your new partner in photos with someone he once loved. I love how you have replied to all in such a reasonable way and have explained that you get on well with the ex and realize that you may just be feeling a bit insecure.

I can empathize from a slightly different angle. I was married to my kids' dad for 19 years before he left me for another woman. The relationship with her did not work out (thank goodness) but he has gone on to remarry while I have remained single. For me, it hurts to see FB photos with him, the wife and my adult children, so I just don't go there (literally and figuratively). We all get along well and I have great relationships with my sons so I just focus on that.

Best of luck to you!

"Need to clarify that it wasn’t just pics of them at a function together with others in the pic there was one or two of them on their own snuggled into each other "

Ok, those shouldn't be there, IMO, and I don't know any romantic partner who would be comfortable w/ that. Unfortunately, I also agree that your partner would probably be embarrassed to push his friend to take them down. So you may just have to ignore them/avoid looking at them. He's w/ you now, not her, so that's all that matters.

Have you posted any pix of you and him together on FB? If not, perhaps it's time to start. Yes, he will always have to coparent w/ his X. But you and he are a couple now, and perhaps you need to (gently) establish that. You can't erase his past and shouldn't try. But you and he can begin to "write"/post your present and future together.

I get that you're dealing w/ a lot of insecurity and I'm glad you're getting help for that. But I think these snuggly pix would upset most new partners and that you're not being unreasonable to feel this way at all.

You can’t dictate what pictures are on a friends fb page but no ones making you look at them are they? You are very insecure and maybe for a reason He was separated after an obviously long marriage (clue ...five kids) three years ago but inbetween the separation and meeting you he was actively dating and had another relationship which you feel has not run it’s course (that’s worrying does that mean you think he still has feelings for this inbetween woman)
He removed all photos of his past from his fb page but he really CANNOT be asking all friends to do the same
Once a photo has been put on fb it can be tagged by anyone on the friend list and what they do with it is only their business
Could I suggest your own insecurities have made you focus on these photos way too much but yes it is unsettling I remember my ex husband having a photo album of all his past girlfriends which he didn’t get rid of and I was very insecure and hated it I thought he should have put in the archives I was right actually as he went on having girlfriends throughout our marriage I hope your guy proves better than that only you and time will know that
Good luck though

Just ask him to untag himself if it’s that much of a problem. But honestly Facebook is not the issue here. The photo won’t be showing to anyone unless they go looking for it. I was talking to a long ago ex on Facebook (we’ll messenger) yesterday. DH knows him as well & was interested in what he had to say. It was long before Facebook but I don’t think dh would care for one moment if someone put an old photo of us up & tagged it. Vice versa if someone did the same to dh and an ex of his.

You don’t need to erase the existence of all exes. Especially on Facebook. You’re probably the only person that’s viewed that photo since the week it was uploaded.

Notanan I think I had that realisation that it’s not about me when he got home after seeing his kids on Saturday and told me that he helped his son check the oil on his mother’s car. I had a pang of confusion but worked it through - it’s about his relationships with his kids, their mother and him - my logical and reasonable mind totally gets this and I am accepting and encouraging. There were times when he’s been round to see his kids in the house and he’s done odd jobs. I “kicked off” embarrassingly but I soon realised how close he was to walking away and I quickly bucked my ideas up. It’s just that I do need to be able to express my feelings despite the insecurities - I can’t unfeel them but I can do something about managing how I respond. And for this I am grateful to this group! Thank you star lady, gmarie, bluebell and nezum. Bluebell - I may have been unclear - he doesn’t have feelings for the interim person, when I said “this relationship hasn’t run it’s course” I meant the one with me as a previous poster had suggested it may have. I love your kind but pragmatic approaches - I am creating the angst, self-flagellation and self loathing all by myself so your understanding has felt like a hug. Especially feel reassured that, you’re right, unless people go looking, who cares anyway? Yes I have started posting pics of us, something I avoided because I didn’t want to upset his children and the ex in case they did go looking.

As you've already acknowledged you are insecure for various reasons and are working on this problem - you really need to concentrate on that and forget about what a mutual friend has on her FB account.

Yet again this is another example of a woman opening up her home to take in a man she hardly knows (whirlwind romance) who just happens to need a place to live, as he's fresh out of another relationship.

Hmm wonder why you feel so insecure? Only you can answer that question. On another note, once you have a child with someone you are in a way connected for good. Whether together or not. That is a fact of life. If it really bothers you, don't go on Facebook. Your partner and his ex have had a past life together, for your own sanity you really have to accept that. He has unfriended the ex, that is the main thing.

When people have children together, there will likely be grandchildren, and whether divorced or not, a new partner or wife will have to adjust herself to this continuing growing family OR drive herself mad.

Better to bite the bullet now.

I'm not on FB, I'm glad it's all a mystery to me.

I got together with my husband before social media existed. We were both 2nd time arounders. He had children and his grandchildren came along soon after we had our children together. So he had quite a lot of baggage from his marriage and I just had my cat from mine. We now also have grandchildren together. I was always in a very lucky position to get on with his children, sadly one of them died, but I regard my step-daughter, step-daughter in law, and step grandchildren as the very best of friends. When his parents were alive we went there often and they did have a picture of my husband, ex wife and themselves sitting around a table in evening wear at some function they all went to, quite honestly it didn't bother me, everyone has a past and I don't think it should be air brushed out. Somewhere in our house I have photos in an album of me and my ex, and of course, as they were a family my husband has a lot of his children growing up which include their mother. That's the way it is. All I would say, it seems to me that FB could drive anyone slowly mad in all sorts of way, I think the word used by you "fixated" is the key here, it's a bit like smoking, I'm glad I never took it up, but at it's worst FB seems pretty addictive in some ways with harmful effects. Try and wean yourself off it. I wish you happiness OP.

I’m afraid. I’m with Riverwalk on this. A whirlwind romance and he’s moved in with you. Convenient for him much? Understandably you are looking for commitment on his part and this set up not being a case of ‘wherever I lay my hat that’s my home’.

You tried being a bit feisty and realised you’d pushed your luck so chose to back off and thereby not issue ultimatums or scare him away. Eggshells come to mind.

It’s early days. Go with the flow better, watch and wait and don’t be too needy is my advice. And stay away from FB if it upsets you. Why pick at a scab?

Thank you for picking up on this urmstongran, river walk and TerriBull - I think the liberating feeling of airing my ‘feisty’ side as you’ve put it (love it!) has been countenanced by his slight disdain and his willingness to pull away and this has made me at the same time sit up and take stock but to also feel concerned at his blasé attitude. I want to ignore his attitude to my vocalised insecurities and push through to find a place that’s comfortable for me and if my journey involves him which I hope it does that’s good and we can grow stronger. But what really matters is my work with me - I know it’s my issue - I do love him but I can’t focus on keeping him when I should be focussed on sorting my head. And whilst writing this my counselling appointment has just pinged so that’s good but I have to say the mixed views here have been invaluable in helping me to find a different perspective. I crave, desire and seek others’ views as I know that I can be very inwardly focussed and insular. There is something very therapeutic about this!

I think if anyone was "feisty" about how I lived my life in the first year of a new relationship, I would swiftly nip that in the bud too!

If hes directly unkind to you of course stick up for yourself, but youre new on the scene and telling him you dont like his relationships with the established people in his life should be a red flag for him

Why did he move in so soon? Did he not have a place of his own?

I think the moving in part has maybe confused you re how serious this relationship is. Its very early days I do think you should back off a bit and concentrate on your own life as you say.

It is unreasonable for any second spouse or partner to be so possessive that they are unable to accept their partner's past loves. You don't own your spouse or partner. If you really appreciate them you will not try to separate them from a previous partner or spouse that they may prefer to honour.

I think he has done the right thing by not entertaining your "feisyness" about the bridges he's building with his co-parent and kids.

But I think you also might have been slightly used re the moving in together so soon. I agree with another poster that that may have been motivated by convenience and not a desire to make your relationship more serious or committed.