Partner has pics of ex wife on Facebook

Cherb thank you so much for this! You read my mind re: Your concerns, which are exactly what my niggling thoughts are. This is deeper than a few pics, it was exactly that which you’ve outlined and reading it has made me cry with gratitude that someone has understood! The pics are simply a metaphor for my current emotional quandary.

I feel that distance can be achieved with him still living here - it’s about my emotional boundaries at the end of the day - to see if, with time, the relationship can grow and flourish as this would be healing for me. As you say, I want this to be the catalyst of a new chapter where I can feel confident in my own self worth. It also helps me to develop a healthier attachment in relationships instead of the all or nothing approach.

The odd job stuff I will overlook unless it gets out of hand - it’s still his house and his kids and as such he has a vested interest - and he has shown his son how to remove the oil cap on her car so that’s another thing his kids can take on for her! He is ultimately a man who needs to be liked and wanted and is very keen to be seen as the innocent victim. Let’s see how I feel once my CBT has started.

Great you have insight into how childhood rejection and abandonment are likely coming into play here. Whatever the outcome, this relationship sounds like a catalyst for you to go inward and heal the wounds, and to give yourself the love and validation you deserve.

With that background, we can grow up making massive allowances for other people's behaviour (grateful for whatever attention we get). And we can also project our insecurities onto others. You seem to be weighing up the two possibilities here (and being very open to and gracious about the feedback you're getting).

Only you can know your gut response. But it might be helpful to know that, in my experience, there's a number of red flags in your partner's behaviour (if I've understood you correctly):
- the whirlwind romance and moving in
- why ask you to review the FB photos if he'd undertaken to remove them? Either he's tech-savvy to check the page himself as it appears to others (as s.o. has pointed out) or he could ask you to load the page and check it himself. Was he testing your reaction to the 'snuggling' pics?
- great that he is on good terms with the ex and her parent/s and that the children don't have divided loyalties - but she had an affair, you say. If she needs a man's help, why doesn't the new partner or the adult son/s provide it?
- why does the ex even want her discarded husband to do her odd jobs, and what's the pay-off for him? At the very least it suggests he has weak boundaries where she is concerned.
- you say he pulls away if you express disquiet. That would draw you back, wouldn't it? (rejection hurts!) Does that work in his favour, or yours or to the benefit of you both?

If you find you feel in the wrong more than you feel reassured, you might consider putting some distance between you, as people have suggested. If he really loves you, he will understand. If he resists, he may be invested in having the partner to save face (at the very least).

You come across as a loving and respectful person who takes responsibility for herself and her actions, and who has successful relationships with family and friends. How much do you deserve a partner who reflects that back to you? 100%.

Hi RoseLily
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I value every opinion despite some harsh criticism- I’m taking it as a form of gestalt or tough love!

I have children and grandchildren. I had them both by the age of 24 and was married to a man who was older than me not just in years but experiences of life. He wanted a stay st home wifey who was subservient and grateful. Compounded by extremely strict parenting that I had, I didn’t come into my own until I divorced and led my life but of course nothing replaces freedom of youth. I adore my children and grandchildren with a passion so pure and honest and they are independent and living their lives without needing me to support them. I understand overwhelmingly - and this is what I am being criticised for on here - his need to have a solid loving relationship with his children and I fully support that. I think I’ve given the impression that I don’t and want him to myself. Nothing could be further from the truth.

However - again, this sounds like a bag of contradictions - I don’t live in the past - ok bring on the onslaught and barrage of disparaging comments to the contrary but it’s hard to convey who you are in a 2 dimensional space.

I regularly review my home, my wardrobe, my desk, my work space and yes my social media, removing or replacing aspects of my surroundings that bring me joy in my current state. Of course this may be something to do with my past which has caused me severe emotional attachment issues and my way of coping is to eliminate areas of the past that don’t serve me. I want to live in the now! This seems at odds with what people are saying to me as the advice has been to forget the past which is precisely what I’m trying to do. I guess I need to find a new way of doing that in my headspace rather than my living space

This is now sounding like a journal! Thanks for the therapy!

Hi, I notice you do not say much about your own past and am wondering if there is a reason for this that affects your feelings about the situation. Do you not have photos and mementos of past relationships as well and how does your new partner react to those? I may be completely wrong but somehow don't feel you have children of your own, but if you do, how does he relate to them?

@Nezumi65. Well that's different I didn't notice that, reread the original post and OP does say 'still there' so it does suggest it is an old post on fb, which can be ignored as it is in the past. Glad to see OP is getting some help and therapy.

The tagging could have happened years ago, when the picture was first taken. You doesn't say how long the photo has been on the friend's page. You can't rewrite history, however hard you try, not of countries nor of people. The best you can do if you don't like to think of him with his ex is to stop the tagging from appearing to YOU.

Other people's memories will still include the ex, though. Do you plan never to meet any of his friends who might remember that he once had a different love? I am sure you would hate it if he boycotted any of YOUR friends who had met any ex of yours.

At the moment, he seems the most important feature in your life. As you settle down, the need for other friends will still be there for you both. Don't make him choose between you, and quarrel with them.

He tagged him while they were together. No-one is looking at the photo except the OP

I can't understand why your partner's friend would tag him in this kind of pic. The friend obviously knows your partner is divorced so it is beyond me why he would tag him in a picture of your partner with his now ex wife. Some divorced people would feel very upset for any number if reasons, I have one friend who was devastated by her divorce she would be knocked back even more if one of her friends tagged her "publically' on social media by a photo of her and her ex - it would be almost like pushing her face in it -" hey you divorced person - look what you lost"

Your partner cannot ask his friend to take it down, but he could ask the friend to stop tagging him in old pics.

If he goes into settings on fb he can choose not to allow people to tag him that may (not sure) then allow him to remove those pics

You're his equal, Mambypamby- And you're equal to every member that responded to your thread- No more, no less- Everyone has weaknesses and strengths- Everyone feels insecure about one thing or another-

Thanks Tredber. I appreciate your views:

If I felt so unsure of a person I definitely would not be living with them. Trust is everything in a relationship.

It isn’t about trust it’s something more complex and I am doing the work and will start CBT soon to raise my own self esteem, love, respect and trust myself more. It’s about my not feeling good enough and trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am 3 and a half years his senior. If I were the 23 year old flirty filly of my youth married to an older man (just speculation) as you may have been perhaps I’d also feel more confident. Not judging, just saying. Thank you for your views - I feel better thinking I’m silly rather than unreasonable which is a much more abhorrent quality if that makes sense!

The more I read the less I “get” this.

You now say the pics that you have no alternative but to continually look at and which eat you up are not intimate snaps they are just showing in close proximity to each other? Looking bored? And it is your imagination that runs away with you. Heck they have FIVE children? So am guessing your imagination must work overtime constantly!

I am wondering how old you are? I married a man with an ex and 2 children at 23, no Facebook then but we had a whole heap of family photos including their wedding album!!!

If I felt so unsure of a person I definitely would not be living with them. Trust is everything in a relationship.

I also would NOT submit photos on FB simply with the sole intention of “getting even” or whatever it was you said.

I hope you sort things out but IMO you are being silly rather than unreasonable.

Thank you pigsmayfly. Thank you for this insightful advice. And for your understanding. Because - and I know I asked for it - people’s harsh comments, whilst offering another view, are indicative of their only having a small section of the whole story. You’ve succinctly captured the essence of my post and I especially like what you said about pics not telling the whole story eg smiling doesn’t mean happy - I’ve seen pics from events I’ve been at that others have posted telling a story of a fantastic time when it was actually quite boring! I am taking this from your comment and making it my mantra. Thank you.

I just want to offer some sympathy and understanding. Of course you feel insecure. People commenting who have not been in your shoes may not be able to see that. There are 5 children tying your partner to the past and that’s a strong and very justified pull. Remember that photos don’t always tell the story you think they do. Just because someone is smiling doesn’t make them happy. If I were you I would come off Facebook altogether. I also think you need to look at this completely differently. Your fear behind all this is that you will get hurt. So turn that around. Be less vulnerable. Make sure you feel strong enough to move on without your partner if this doesn’t work out. Look your best and be your best for you - not for him. And enjoy each day. When your partner goes back to his old home, find something else to do and enjoy yourself. Live your life to the full and don’t let these insecurities hold you back from being a strong independent woman.

I wouldn’t be upset about this mamby this is all in the past he’s with you now, you can never erase the past

Fact is you only found them because you went hunting.

There is a button on facebook where you can "see what others see" and view your profile as others see it

But you dont even need to use that to see what you're tagged in.

Notanan he asked me to scroll through his Facebook to see what is visible as he intentionally removed her pics without my requesting it - he wanted to see what his profile looks like externally as he untagged and unfriended her - absolutely off his own bat nothing to do with me - he told me about it after he’d done it and without my knowledge or request. He wanted me to check it had been done. I actually forgot all about it for days then it suddenly came to mind to do it. I told him what I saw. It felt churlish to say he hasn’t done a very good job. He hasn’t said he won’t remove them - it’s me who feels bad basically saying if he’s going to do it, might as well do it properly!

The OP wouldnt have ever seen the pics had she not scrolled back to pictures of more than a year ago, before she came on the scene. Unless they are reshared as a memory the old ones wont just pop up on her news feed! She had to go looking for them...

FB is the pits. But maybe posting pics of the two of you enjoying your life together will help make the others less visible.

My S-I-L posted a nice happy couple pic of my DH and his ex-wife when we had been married for about 3 years. She just plucked a "happy couple" pic out from years before scanned and posted it to FB. She is no longer on our FB friends as she doesn't seem very good with boundaries

Possibly it wouldn't occur to his friend, but it would occur to me.
I'm kind that way.
As for scrolling around, it all sounds far too much like hard work to me, so I'm glad I dont use Facebook.

You realise the pic is from over a year ago Miss Adventure?

Why would it even occur to them to go back that far and edit out the ex?

MissAdventure

Why wouldn't they?
I would be happy if my friend was in a new relationship, and I would consider whether it could be hurtful to someone newish on the scene.

So you'ld scroll back through all past events every time any friend got a new partner to "filter out" pics of old partners?
Every time?
Even if it was your wedding pic or an important sentimental memory?

Maybe that festival trip meant a lot to the friend or most likely it simply wouldnt occur to them to go back and edit their albums just because their friend got a new girlfriend!

Some of us have been a bit harsh but it is done I believe with good intentions. A sort of tough love. Try and believe in yourself and stop looking at Facebook.

Why wouldn't they?
I would be happy if my friend was in a new relationship, and I would consider whether it could be hurtful to someone newish on the scene.