To feel left out?

Sorry you feel left out, Happygran, but, imo, Alidoll is right - traditionally, the bride chooses her bridesmaids from her family & friends & the groom, his groomsmen from his. This they have done. Your family isn't being left out, just included according to customs that don't encompass you and dd.

Most brides I know do ask their groom's sister to be a bridesmaid, but they don't "have to." Same with a groom and his bride's brother.

I don't think too many brides consider including their fmil in the planning. I advised my dd to include hers in a few preparations when she was getting married, and she did. But I've only known a few brides who did. If ds is handling anything (hiring the band or choosing the liquor) maybe he'll seek your opinion.

Have you offered to pay any of the traditional expenses that the groom's parents traditionally pay? That MIGHT make a difference, but not necessarily.

As others have said, please just focus on enjoying the wedding. Congratulations to all!

Smile and look happy.
when I got married my mum was lovely
a ambassador for our side of the family.
She went round to all the of t'other side and introduced herself to any she had not met before the wedding and said hello to those she already knew.
I lost count of the people who told told me what a lovely mum I had.
She also had a dance with the groom's father whilst my Dad danced with my mil.

Because of a strict wedding budget I only had one bridesmaid my sister.
I had two little cousins who looked adorable on the photographs as they each gave me horseshoe.
Would your daughter perhaps do something similar at the end of the ceremony

I have sometimes given the Bride a small horseshoe and a wooden spoon tied together with some pretty ribbon.
It usually make people laugh and is good
ice -breaker
Something like that with the bride and groom's name makes a nice keepsake.

for you & your DD

My thoughts exactly, Nemosmum!

I can understand your feelings but it is really traditional that the bride chooses her bridesmaids from her own family and friends. I chose my sister, my dd chose her best friend. Would never have occurred to either of us to choose bridesmaids from the groom's family. I'm sure it's not intended as an insult, it just the way things are usually done.

HappyGran...go with the flow! Let the bride and her family organise it and sit back and relax and enjoy the day. While you may feel hurt that your side of the family isn't involved, how does your DD feel about it? Is she upset at the decisions being made or not? My brother was my 'bridesmaid', maybe her brother could involve her as a 'best man'.
As to choosing the dress, I blame the 'Say Yes to the Dress' programme imported from America. Brides turn up with their 'entourage' who give their opinions on the dress.My DD took her Dad to help choose the dress. I was at work and knew nothing about it, but had already visited a couple of shops with her. I also think, that a bride's outfit should be a surprise to the guests on the wedding day. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Whatever happens, don't let it built up resentment.Be there for your DS and make it a memorable day for him and his bride.

Hi HappyGran1964, I'm still waiting for sons to marry and have all this to look forward to! However, I have two brothers and when the eldest was getting married it was made clear by my SIL and her mum that I wouldn't be a bridesmaid. I was 24 and married and not really bothered but my mum kicked up a fuss and I was reluctantly asked to be a bridesmaid. From the off it was made clear that SIL's cousin (only other bridesmaid) was chief bridesmaid and the bouquet would be passed to her - lots of petty stipulations. I was made to feel uncomfortable and an after thought, I wish my mum had left well alone to be honest. This probably doesn't help much but I thought I'd mention it, I have all this to come and have low expectations of my involvement, I think most mums of boys will understand x

Sulis STOP giving them money! They have mistaken you for the Bank Manager!

Been there and got the t shirt ! I've three sons and felt left out of two weddings not looking forward to the third ! X

Meant ' as much your day as the mother of the groom.'

Wilma I take it your aunt & uncle [mum & dad of groom] were on the top table?

oh dear! I think everyone with a son goes through this. That old saying is sooooo true. I am being given exactly the same treatment inspite of buying a lot of furniture for their house, giving them £60K for a deposit, paying off all my DIL's debts to give them a fresh start, giving her £6000 for another car, and now they want a further £10K to upgrade to a better house. I am not considered as family by her. To add insult to injury I was left almost completely alone at Christmas and birthday and I am still expected to provide childcare 2 days a week with the occasional saturday night thrown in. We have to swallow it if we want to stay "friends" and then get on with our own lives, make new friends to fill in the huge spaces left by the departure of our beloved sons. Ho hum, onwards and upwards!

Sorry, but traditionally the bride can pick who she wants from HER side of the family as bridesmaids / flower girls etc. The groom picks the best man and ushers from HIS side of the family.

If the bride is really good friends with the grooms sister then yes, she might pick her (or her daughter) for one of the roles but generally it'll be either one of her family members or best friend from school.

MIL may get invited to view bride picking her dress but it's usually the mother of the bride (unless she's dead or estranged).

While it's disappointing to not be involved, don't let resentment build over it or it might come back to haunt you if they ever have kids and visits in the future.

When I look back at my own wedding I see how my mother dominated the arrangements and understand how you must be feeling. Don't let this spoil what is to be as much your day as the mother of the bride.

Your daughter can ask her brother why neither she nor her children have particular roles in the wedding but I am guessing they have limited roles due to the finace side and it is natural the bride to be would choose her own family for this. As for the rest, be happy that you have no wedding stresses other than what you will wear, enjoy the day and let the rest wash over you. I understand your hurt but I doubt anyone intended this and I have learnt that the hurt in situations like this is partly due to us assuming it was personal and over thinking it. Have a lovely day.

The same thing happened at my son's wedding. His wife had 6 bridesmaids but did not ask my daughter. She was desperately upset by this as she was having problems at the time anyway. One of the bridesmaids even dropped out and I asked in a joke if the dress would fit my daughter but it was shrugged off. The whole day she felt excluded and it has tainted her relationship with her brother. I just had to bite my tongue because as usual I was caught in the middle

I think that it would be a bit strange for you to be invited to see the dress. She wants to reveal it to as many people as possible on the day.
It probably just hasn't occurred to her to include you. She has spent her whole life shopping with her mum and is just carrying on.
Maybe you could just ask her if there is anything that you can do to help with the arrangements in a friendly, almost off hand way? I don't see why you shouldn't mention it especially if it is something that will rankle. I was always bad at speaking up when I was younger and I never regret doing it now, although I would occasionally go back and re-do the way I had done it.

Offer to pay for something and im sure she will want to involve you then!
I wasn’t very close to my mother in law but included her. Your son should include your daughter in my opinion unless there is a problem with it.

I'm afraid it's always more about the bride and her family and wishes. Always has been.
I wasn't invited to accompany my youngest son's fiancée and her family when she chose her dress nor would I have thought it appropriate. I certainly think that most of the arrangements are to suit the bride and that is how it was with my 3 daughters.
Be glad you don't have the headache and just enjoy the day.
I'm sure that your daughter is invited to the ceremony and reception, she just has no place on the podium in this case and that's how it should be.

I too think it’s very strange the MOB being a bridesmaid ! Take a step back and a deep breath, it’s their day so let them do whatever they want. Buy yourself a fabulous dress and make sure you, your daughter and granddaughters all look absolutely stunning and just enjoy the day.

Being left out...............can be a blessing.

Go with the flow and concentrate on enjoying yourself.........mother's of son are often eclipsed by the distaff side of the family, so you are not being singled out for such treatment.

It will be lovely and so will you.

Thank you everyone for all your replies and kindness.

Yes harrigran & BlueBelle are right, you may feel a bit left out but relax and enjoy the fact you don't have to do any of the organising.
I hope the day goes well for you all.

Hi happgran
Well I can understand the hurt about the daughter and her children being the only ones left out, but the mother in law joining the brides family to look at dresses never come across that one and as for her mother being a bridesmaid that sounds really weird
Dress how you feel good and enjoy the day I think weddings are hugely overrated and hugely over priced
I played no part in arranging my sons wedding nor did I expect to for my youngest daughter I gave her away and went with her to look at dresses and my other daughters partner died before they could get round to it just be happy and go with the flow

I feel for you Happygran

Something like this happened with the last wedding in our family. My cousin was getting married to the woman he lived with and they have three children. So my Aunt who is now 61 was Mother of the Groom, but she's also grandmother to the three children and has looked after them so their Mum could go back to work.

The older two children are now at primary school and the youngest one goes to nursery part time. My Aunt takes the older children to and from school and she takes the youngest one to and from nursery. The children have their tea with my Aunt and Uncle. She gets on really well with her DiL who is in her 30s, so she thought she would be included in the organisation, especially the girly bits.

How wrong she was. She was completely excluded to the point where the bride's mother actually spoke privately to my Aunt to say her help was not required. She was so taken aback by the audacity of the bride's mother that she couldn't say anything. She was very upset and my Uncle was really angry. However, they decided not to say anything and just hand over the cheque when required and attend the wedding.

The truth is the DiL runs the house and my cousin is lovely and kind, but he's a bit of wimp. On the day it was clear the wedding was about the little family, the bride's family and the couple's friends. My brothers and I travelled hundreds of miles to attend the event because we're only a small family (fitted on one table!) and we try to support each other.

It was a lovely day and we had a great time treating it as a family get together, but I did feel for my Aunt and Uncle.

I think you have to grin and bear it, but I know it is hard.

PS We didn't get a thank you note for our gifts either.

I've been to a wedding where the brides mum was briidesmaid for the service and half the photographs and then she changed into a MOB outfit for the rest of the day.I believe she had told her daughter she had always wanted to be a bridesmaid and it had never happened so her daughter asked her and it made her day/month/year.She was over the moon.Be happy your future DIL has a close family ,how nice to know your son will be included in a family that cares about each other.You should talk to HIM about maybe finding a role for your daughter and GC as it is HIS wedding too .Maybe your daughter could do a reading during the service and the GC could form a guard of honour as they leave the church...or carry the rings behind the bride.Theres loads of ways to include them.Just be sure to offer to ay for their outfits as maybe its a budget thing thats stopped her from asking them to be a part of the wedding party.At the end of the day its just one day ...enjoy it .Its the bride and groom s day so as long as they're happy thats all that counts .