Messy son

I sympathise with you, and I think, given his age, you should be able to expect a reasonable standard of hygiene and tidiness. Whether you will get it is another matter - my daughter was genuinely awful when she came back from university. We had some serious set-to's about it. It lasted until she got a place of her own. The transformation was remarkable! My son was extremely tidy whenever he was at home - having been at boarding school where he had to be, and then into the Services. He's never been any different, he likes and expects order but is now in the same position as you, having a stepson who comes home from uni and lives like some sort of junior Mr Trebus, which sends DS into a decline. If you're not prepared to throw him out just keep chipping away!

I would give him some other chores around the house and shut the door on his room. Just tell him he's not allowed food up there (old food = mice).

When mine left home to go to university I did not expect them to come back to live and nor did they. DS runs a tight ship in his own home, no clutter and tidy up at the end of each day.

I can see both sides.

It must be difficult at 26 to still be living at home. I think a lot of people revert to childhood when they are at home - or (speaking for myself and my relationship with mum) , as they get older alternate between stroppy teenager and bossy parent figure.

It must also be disheartening and disempowering to still be living with your parents/parent when really you should be out there in the big wide world sorting out your own laundry and food, etc.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Personally, I would find unhygienic practices to be unacceptable but I could cope more with untidiness. So I would agree with rosequartz who says no dirty crockery (and I would add clothes) left in the bedroom - the untidiness is annoying but, as she suggests, just close the door.

I do feel for these young people who had perhaps envisaged that they would be in a position to rent (or buy) their own flats instead of living at home with their parents. Of course, they are lucky that they have parents who are happy to provide them with a home (some have not) but, still, it must be disheartening to be in such a position of dependency.

thanks for your comments and I have to say I do side with the majority.....it's his mess and close the door. It is only mess though and I did not mean to imply his dishes are left a week, dishes and dirty glasses are (usually) cleared daily. Ds has a good job and is domesticated , likes to cook and regularly uses washing machine, an all round good bloke and we love that he is back home. It is dh who gets irritated with mess but then it is becoming a family joke that he is borderline ocd, I shall show him these replies

I have to add I agree it is not worth causing upset over or falling out and no way would he be asked to leave

You left a whole lot out of your first post
Glad that he pulls his weight around the house.

Have you discussed this with your son? In an adult-to-adult way, rather than mother-to-child?
He may agree to keep things tidier, to please his father, or you and he may have to persuade your DH to knock it off with the moaning!

(You could also show your DH some of the other posts on this site about truly nightmare offspring who are cruel to their parents.)

Their bedroom mess used to upset DH more than me as he is ex-Forces! I found nagging had a result with one DC but not the other two so just shut the door and refused to enter.

ex services unfortunately doesn't always mean neatness and good personal hygiene.

I give you my ex SiL as an example !

It could also mean excessive hoarding, as 'stuff' is always useful can be recycled, re-used (or is that the engineering mind?).

I thought they had kit inspections regularly in the Forces? and anyone smelly would be ostracised in the mess/wardroom!

Sorry to be late on this thread but I've only just seen it.

My DS brought plates down from his room yesterday and I had to use anti-bacterial hand wash on one earlier which was, in fact, one of mine. We have different plates so that he doesn't take mine upstairs. When did that start? I wasn't allowed to take food upstairs, not even a drink unless unwell.

I have been to the point though where I have had one plate to eat from and one fork to use. I am far too soft with him and vow to get harsher and set more ground rules now that his new bedroom is coming together after decorating it and getting furniture. He can learn some respect and keep my home tidy. Or else no friends upstairs. He's nearly 18 by the way.

sarah12345 I am intrigued by your comment "wash up for me". Does he not drink tea/coffee/water/fruit juice, eat meals, make sandwiches, munch snacks? Why is the washing up "for you"? If he does, may be you should just leave all the washing up, like Marmee March in Little Women and see what he makes of that.

I've been in that situation with DS2, when he moved back in with us in his mid twenties. It was only meant to be for a couple of months, which would have been bad enough, but it turned into 3 years. He was no tidier or cleaner than he had been as a teenager, and was still just as moody and as liable to throw a tantrum. His room was disgusting, and yes, it bothered me a lot. He didn't cook, clean or anything else, and his financial contribution was minimal. I'd always said that I wouldn't stand for that kind of thing from a child of mine, but when push came to shove I felt helpless because there is no way I would have thrown him out. It was a nightmare.

However, he met a lovely girl and things changed almost overnight. His room was tidied/cleaned up before she visited our house for the first time and he suddenly started learning how to cook. About nine months later they moved in together and he willingly did more than his share of the cooking and the cleaning. Now, three years on, they have bought their own house and he likes things to be so clean and tidy now that he sometimes gets teased about perhaps being OCD. I would never have thought it possible that someone could change so dramatically, but he has!

Try not to lose hope, oldgirl. Things might improve.

Absent - perhaps 'wash up for me' was not the best choice of words. I just meant that if i leave the washing up for a short while, meaning to do it later , he sometimes takes care of it and i go back in the kitchen to find it done. I know it's his washing up too but he does other jobs willingly enough like mowing the lawn, which I hate. Anything which involves climbing ladders and he does the garden and other jobs for my mum. He just seems to have a blind spot when it comes to keeping his bedroom tidy. He is studying fulltime and works part time too so its not as if he is lying around the house all day doing nothing.

I wouldnt be held to ransom. Most times there are other places to live. Mine would have been sent to one of their grannies if they didnt have enough funds. Neither granny would put up with it either! So they would have been forced to shape up one way or another.

I am one granny – and I bet there are quite a few more on here – who wouldn't take kindly to my adult child trying to foist a messy son on me because she couldn't or wouldn't cope with him. I think that is a truly appalling suggestion.

Sometimes it's easier to do what someone one step away from you says than when you are in a situation of constant confrontation with a teenager. So no loss of face going for a cooling off with gran.

Quite Stansgran.

absent. My childrens' grannies have backbones!
They would be perfectly entitled to say no!
They would be fully informed of what they were being asked to take on!

So does the grandpa come to that.