daughters lack of confidence in us

Many parents now are incredibly sensitive about how their children are brought up and the alleged inadequacy or inappropriatness of previous parenting customs and practices. We are facing a challenge in this area. That is doubts suddenly being expressed by our mature offspring about the way we brought him up. If only we'd pushed him harder all those years ago in this or that direction....etc., etc. This is causing us a lot of angst.

You can't win there, Papaoscar. If you'd pushed him, you would have got the blame for him being stressed out because too much was expected of him.

I think it's probably the hardest thing in parenting, to strike a balance between encouraging a child to achieve his or her potential, and harming them by forcing them too far, but in the end they have to find their own level. Presumably your mature offspring is old enough to motivate himself to achieve whatever they want.

I like Sheryl Sandberg's motto: What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Is he using the fact that you weren't a helicopter parent as an excuse for not pushing himself now?

Thats great while they cant speak, but now the GC's are perfectly able to tell mum and dad exactly what went on at grandma's........... so no way could we ignore 'instructions'. It just puts us on edge, which is not how we want to feel given we are saving them a good deal of money for child care, which we do willingly.

As jane says, equally critical comments could be made to parents for allegedly "pushing" their children. It's my view that it can cause far more emotional issues in later life if a child is constantly urged to do better and if his/her behaviour and educational achievements are always found wanting.

It's very upsetting to be told by our children that we have fallen short. I have experienced it myself - and I have to admit I dished out a bit of it to my own parents when I was younger. I expect a lot of people harbour some disgruntlement about various issues in their childhood but - unless they have experienced serious neglect - using it as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in adulthood is not very fair or constructive.

The trouble is that we have benefit of experience and know that if a child does not get stuck into learning the piano, for example, when they are young, they will find it a jolly sight harder when they are older. How much to encourage (?push?)? - very difficult.

Why then if they know BETTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR THEY DON"T STAY AT HOME TO LOOK AFTER THEIR YOUNG .

Just saying!!

Nonu, a thought that always flashes through my head....but then I remember to be charitable and accept that many people feel they need the two incomes. I might moan about my Daughter laying down the law but she is being a fulltime Mum at the moment even though they have to count every penny.

HILDA

x

I have already replied via Facebook on this subject.
I have provided childcare free of any charge for all of my five grandchildren since they were babies.As the youngest two lived with me it was almost full time.
My son and his wives (he has been married twice) never dreamed of giving me instructions as they knew better.I always felt free to ask though if I had any queries. They were grateful of the care I provided and I felt good that they trusted me.
I have collected my DGC from school and cared for them in school holidays.The three eldest who are now aged 22,20, and 18 still remember those times with great affection.My DGD2 is expecting a baby in November and is already looking forward to me giving help when she needs it.
Babies do not come with instructions, but neither do teenagers and in my opinion that is the more difficult stage.I am presently caring for my DGD3 who is 18 and has MH and substance abuse problems.I would like to have been provided with information and instructions on that.Caring for a baby is like a walk in the park compared to this.











9

silver just wondering if the teacher is going to get a long list of instructions when the older one starts school in September

pinkprincess

I don't get instructions, I am the only help they have. Grandma's house, Grandma's rules

Likewise. When in Rome and all that. Not that's there's a fundamental difference between us. Same principles and the same aims tend towards the same kind of behaviour.

Never mind instructions on childcare, I needed written guidance on how to work their TV and access the DVD player, Sky box, Playstation etc.! I even struggled with the washing machine - couldn't find the washing powder etc. until I was informed that it was already in a reservoir inside the machine, never knew they could do that! Switching it off in order to open the door was also a puzzle!
Of course, at a very early age, the GCs were soon able to take over.

What about discipline? We find that we are stricter than the parents and we were upset that we 'told off' our 5 year old grandson a couple of times when he last stayed with us for a weekend.

Last time I looked after the grandchildren I couldn't work out how to unlock the front door. And there was another time when I couldn't put the rubicks cube that is the clip on the car seat strap together.

Not to mention the folding/unfolding of the pushchair or pram!

We had exactly the same problems with car seats ,buggies and stair gates.

Glad to say that is all behind us now they are old enough to be in booster seats and can put safety belts in themselves !

So there IS a God!!

Usually get a two second instruction as to what to do before they disappear .

I can't work the TV remote at my daughter's house - it's been so well used that all letters and numbers have disappeared. She's shown me once, so assumes I'll remember. That's once I can turn the thing on because Sky needs a different remote and I have to try several before one works. If a channel needs changing, I hand the remote to the nearest child

The microwave is like a foreign language, so I heat things in a pan. The kettle has different temperatures for tea and coffee - I realise when I've finished making grey looking tea. The safety gates all have different ways of unlocking. The phone is so tiny I can't press the numbers I want. The conservatory lock is the reverse of the front door so I keep leaving it unlocked by mistake.

How do they live with all this confusing technology? A manual I could refer to would be quite helpful in their houses. In my house, all they ask is that no fizzy drinks are given. Everything else seems acceptable.

I usually manage to buggar mess up the remote controls at DD's house. They have had to get the Austar man out twice - I swear it wasn't me last time!

The main thing I worry about is if the DGC hurt themselves or are ill when in my care.

That made me smile when - I know just what you mean. If in doubt, I ask a grandchild!

I have 2 d.i.l, one never gave instructions/orders but the other with her first left me with 5 pages of A4. As Kiora says read or listen then do what you know you should do and don't take it personally. This d.i.l has now had her 3 third child and we now laugh about her notes. 3rd child is left with me once a week and I have to ask for an update on the day's routine. Stay calm, smile and don't worry, I am sure you are a great granny.

Thank you JaneAinsworth

Lovely reading everyone's points about my initial question. Some made me smile and some made me feel better. So thanks to you all. We will carry on and try to take the lists of instructions with a pinch of something, and know we are more than capable of taking good care of our lovely grandchildren.