How do I deal with this and am I being unreasonable?

Bex52 Tue 22-Apr-14 09:41:29

I have an 11 month old granddaughter. I have never been allowed to look after her, not even for 5 minutes. Never pushed her in a pram, fed her or changed her or taken her anywhere. Only half of my family have even met her. We are a big family and my son's partner has very little family. We dont get to see her very often, maybe once a month or sometimes once a fortnight if we are lucky and they live really close.

I was told off for offering one piece of advice early on, never again. Told off for taking too many pictures of her. I offered my time in the early months to help out but was told they dont need or want any help. I got told off for buying her too much when she was born and at Christmas and made to feel really really uncomfortable about it. Even though they were happy for us to purchase all the nursery equipment and prams etc. I have been made to feel like a monster for wanting to be part of her life. I was even told my expectations of being a grand parent were ridicuous. My only expectation was that we would be part of her life and not exlcuded from almost everything.

We cant just ring and say can we pop over to see them all, we almost have to have an appointment to visit (or thats how it feels anyway). This is fine because we respect that they have their own lives to lead and my son works very hard but if we dont contact them, they dont contact us and we would never see them. The excitement of being a grandparent and all that entails has now become very sad.

There is a lot more to it than this but too much to write. I just want to know whether our experience is normal and if not what can we do about it.

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MargaretX Fri 02-May-14 22:35:22

I think you see your GD quite often. I never saw mine more than once a month. Mostly it is 2 months. I can understand your d-in law not wanting you to buy loads of stuff. A baby beeds so little really and the new parents want to buy it themselves. They want that feeling that only they can provide for her. It will wear off.
I didn't buy anything much. I put money in the bank for them and now I give them money and buy a few things but never more, or more important things than their parents buy.

Back off. Be disciplined and it will pay off in the end.

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Yogagirl Fri 02-May-14 18:46:12

I think trendygran has got hiccups hmm
Poor ole` bex52 seems to be staying off her own thread.
My D & s.i.l lived with me for 6mnths, the min they moved out into a bungalow I felt (as did my ND) the cold shoulder from s.i.l & his mother, but I excepted it, and visited twice a week for an hour and babysat when needed, still having a close relationship with my D, my GD is not his child. I have now been totally cut out, as has my ND & almost all of the rest of our family.
I haven't seen my beloveds for 18mnths, & this month is their B/days sad .
My story is on 'cut out of their lives' along with others the same, so I would say to bex52 be very careful what you do, so that you are not completely cut out as I have been. I would give the world to see them again, even if it was just once a month, my heart is broken & will never heal now sad So don't let it happen to you bex52, keep quiet & try to be happy with the crumbs flowers

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Dianalou Thu 01-May-14 12:32:05

I recognise your situation. My granddaughter just turned 1, and I am sad about the limited contact that we have with her. We see them about once every 6 weeks, often in a big family gathering rather than one to one. We live about 80 miles away, so its not so easy to pop in, or for them to come for the day.
My daughter in law's mum goes to stay with them every 3 weeks or so, and I was getting rather jealous about this, but having talked to her last weekend, I am glad that she is there to offer support, as DiL has suffered from postnatal depression, and huge anxiety about going back to work, and the baby still doesn't sleep well, which would wear anyone down.

I am trying to play the long game- say that I am available if they need help, would be happy to come over if baby cant go to nursery, etc. And of course, I don't make any recommendations of how to do things..The advice people have given on this thread is really helpful.

There are no hard feelings involved that I am aware of, far from it, we get on well when we meet up, I think it is just that it has proved a stressful year and DiL wants her mum, rather than her mother in law.

I hope that as she gets a little older, our granddaughter will have and remember fun times with Dad's parents, and want to spend time with us.

It is sad though, not to be able to share these early months as I would like to.

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rosesarered Wed 30-Apr-14 21:00:33

LOL

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Aka Tue 29-Apr-14 23:26:47

hmm

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jinglbellsfrocks Mon 28-Apr-14 21:46:29

shock

How did you do that?!

grin