Cut out of their lives 3

I started the first Cut out of their Lives forum from a place of absolute desperation and for me it was a life-line. Everyone was supportive and understanding, and for the first time I met people who stood in my shoes and who had true empathy from experience. We grans going through the ordeal of excommunication, live with our nerves on the outside and flinch at the smallest sign of yet more abuse. Can't be helped; can't be magicked away, bullied away. It's just how it is. Angry - no. Hurting, over-sensitive - yes.

Of course there are always two sides, of course you only get one side from this forum. But people come here to share with other people who are suffering in the same way, and for comfort.

There are two ways to live life - one way is to positively look for joy and be kind when it's lacking, and another is the reverse. Those of you who want a good free and frank exchange of views, enjoy a good 'fight' why not start your own forum and have some fun with it, but perhaps this is not the place.

This is under the topic title "Am I being unreasonable?" To be angry with your SiL for his threats? - perfectly reasonable and he deserves to be reported to the police for them.

To attack and threaten people who post opinions you do not wish to hear, and to threaten them with the same aggressive SiL - not reasonable at all.

If a post is abusive, then report it to GNHQ. I have read back over the thread, and none of the posts seemed abusive to me. Perhaps you are still so bruised by SiL's phone calls that you are a bit quick to feel got-at.

If you don't want any posts that are not what you consider "positive", then make it a private correspondence, or at least give the thread a title which shows that they are not wanted. Then posters who wander in and feel that they can contribute a suggestion won't be sent away with a flea in their ear.

Positive feedback welcome This is a public forum, you do not get to pick and chose.

Oh yoga girl you really have gone too far with that post. Angry and upset as you are that is unforgivable and needs a retraction.

Good point Anya It speaks for it's self in so many ways.

Personally I would leave that post undeleted Nellie for reasons that I won't go into on this thread. But one would be that it might give Yogagirl a chance to apologise.

That is way out of orderYogagirl
How on earth can you even think of threatening anyone like that?
Contemptuous and outrageous behaviour.

Yogagirl I have reported your comment as a threat to myself and I consider it is aggressive and totally innapropriate.

That last post goes beyond what is acceptable Yogagirl and is verging on a threat to Nelliemoser

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Footnote
Not only did they take away from my precious GD everyone she loved & adored & that loved & adored her too, they even took her name!!!

Well done Smileless excellent response & post
Nelliemoser there is little room in my heart for hatred as it is full of grieving for my beloved D&GC whom I had a very special bond with before he came along. I chose my beloved GD name & she was named after me, her second & last names, that's how close & loving a family we were. E stands for estranged daughter, she is not evil but has been taken over by such. If your s.I.l said to you on the phone that "she (D) should get down on her F*****g knees & kiss my F*****g feet for taking on Laila" how would you feel? & how would you feel if the same D told you that her husband (my s.I.l) said to her "if you leave me, I will hunt you down like a dog & kill you like one too" She recorded this, but wouldn't let me or her sister hear it, as no doubt there were threats against us too. I & my little dog were threatened with a horrible death & were told " Best you leave the country for your own safety!" He is a drug addict & dealer, his mother is an alcoholic, both have sever personality disorders. He & his mother has distroyed my once close & loving family!!!
I have no problem with anyone knowing my name or thiers, as I have done absolutely nothing wrong, I have been unfortunate in that my beloved D&GD have been taken over by a very large & closed Gypsy family, that do not take to 'outsiders' so me & all my D family had to go!! What feelings would you have for a s.I.l like that? I would love to know!

I think you are right, Nelliemoser and what Waverley was trying to say was that when people talk about their family in front of you, they are not being insensitive, they are being natural.

I am sure everyone has widowed friends, and in the course of a conversation may say that your husband has bought a new car, cleaned the windows, said something silly, all the things that are mentioned in passing. That is not being insensitive - it is being normal.

And when people post comments on here with suggestion of ways that to act slightly differently could possibly improve how you feel, they are not being cruel or heartless or trying to cause trouble. They are trying to be helpful. Anyone who wants to be cruel and make trouble would be much more insulting. Some of the past threads on the forum would prove that, and on some other forums it is almost pistols at dawn!

I would not want to be in the shoes of any of you in this position. but as Waverley seemed to me to be saying, you cannot hope to even come anywhere near a chance of resolving these estrangements while you are all still so angry with those whose actions have hurt you.

Most of you seem to be thinking about those who are estranged in terms of hatred.

Reading some of these comments seems to illustrate this.

" I can totally relate to hubby's thoughtless relative, my sister was always bragging about her adorable Grandaughters."

My ND showed me a picture of nasty s.i.l from his business page, he looked like a scum bag with a huge bright yellow boa constrictor round his neck.*

Do I assume ND is Nice Daughter and ED evil daughter? The more you think in those terms the more hurt you are feeling. That is no way to gain any peace for yourselves or to be even prepared to think of any reconciliation.

There have also been the forenames of children used and at times so much information that could identify people youselves included.
This forum is public to all readers do not forget that.

O mg smileless what a. Excellent response.

I personally feel that it is a shame that it took gagagran to try and undo some of the damage that then likes of next stop Waverley and soutra etc did with their totally uncalled for remarks rather than a member of Gransnet who seem uninterested in the upset caused on such sensitive thread.

Too late to post more v tired been trying sort house for party and pack for weekend! Foot treatment no,2 Tom at 10 and dear husbands big birthday.

THANKS again smileless wonderful words.

Well my goodness there's been a lot going on here since I last posted.

My thanks to those who are supportive, Celebgran you're a star which is why when I pm you I call you My Champion.

A few months ago I posted on here about the response a new poster had received to her plight. I remember asking if some of the thoughtless and judge mental responses were the impression we wanted to give of Gransnet in general, and of this thread in particular. A poster in response to my post said that we shouldn't worry about the impression we give; I beg to differ.

That particular poster doesn't come on here any more and another who posted at around the same time, has regular contact with me via pm. She reads this thread but has been put off from posting here. She asked me to pass on her congratulations and best wishes to you Yogagirl on the wonderful news of your ND's pregnancy.

So here we go again. Accusations of this thread being a 'closed shop', of the regular contributors only wanting to hear from those who fully support their opinions. This has happened before and no doubt will happen again. What a strange coincidence that as this thread gets nearer to its 1000 post mark when it will automatically close down, the nastiness re appears.

No worries, when COOTL3 reaches 1000 posts, we'll start up COOTL4 because there is a need for this thread. There is a need for parents and grand parents who've had their children and grand children taken away from them to have some where to go, to share their pain and distress with those who are unfortunate to know precisely what it's like because they're going through it too.

NextStepWaverley there was nothing respectful in your "I must respectfully wonder whether such a thin skin has contributed to the situation you (myself and Celebgran) have found your selves in". I hadn't seen your post until this evening so haven't commented thus far, and as I do not wish to contravene Gransnet's regulations feel it would be
best to keep my opinions to myself; if only you had done the same.

I'm getting rather bored of the same old allegations and criticisms of this thread. This thread is here to offer friendship and support to those who are going through a traumatic experience, that those fortunate enough not to be going through, can barely begin to imagine. For those of you who bore me with your insensitive critique, I will bore you with a quote from Disney's 'Bambi' which I have posted on here before. Thumper's mother asks him to repeat what his father taught him "If you can't say nothing nice, then don't say nothing at all". On this occassion the silence would be welcomed.

Thank you so much Gagagran, that was very kind of you
Thank you Celebgran for you too My heart, like yours, is forever broken, it will never mend now, no matter what the future is. I hope Smileless is OK too

Thank you gagagran what a lovely post that really.cheered me up have bee. So low today a saw young girl reminded. Me of my daughter sometimes it hurts more than others and had few tears today. Bit emotional with my dear husband 70th birthday. for your kind words.

Sorry yogagirl for your
Pain lovely that it is it must be to see the little girl I know my heart breaks when is see little girls I have 3 dear little ones 2 never seen and nothing can really ease that except cuddles from my brothers Gra daughter,
may help ?
Hope smileless is ok.

The poor sad Grans on here who have lost contact with their children and/or grandchildren, for whatever reason, are very fragile and really don't need anyone posting strong words, however well meant. This should be a supportive and kind thread I believe and we lucky Grans, who still are involved in our loved ones lives should just be jolly thankful we are and try to be gentle and understanding for our sad sister Grans. for them all.

When I first came on this open forum, I came on for advise and wise words from all who could give and they were all gratefully received too. This page was/is a life line for me from the nightmare I was/am in, so I'm happy to hear from new folk & maybe glean some new insight & knowledge. So thank you to all who mean to help & give kind words of advise
Having said that, my cause is lost, I know with certainty that I will never see my beloved D&GC again whilst she is with her scum-bag husband & his mother (they come as a pair!). After my ND met up with her sister, the next day she saw that she had been blocked from her FB page, this was after my ND had sent her a message saying how nice it was to see her & she hoped they could do it again soon, so work that one out, cos I can't
During my double dance class yesterday, my teacher & good friend got a surprise visit from her GD, she was born just after my Laila, so I had seen her as a baby & toddler, but apart from photos, hadn't seen her for a while. When I looked at her I just thought of my Laila & that this is how she would be now. To look at the love between GM&GD was sooo lovely & also the D's (sisters), it sort of broke my heart, as this is how we used to be before the 'Big argument' between my now ED& her nasty husband
The little one had on the most beautiful little dress & danced along with us, sooo lovely

No, I understood you were trying to be helpful Annsixty

Penstemon your post means well thank you. I personally feel no anger I am At peace with myself and in a good place I am blessed with love of a dear son partner and children and very close to my twin and his family.

Naturally I aM Sad at times for loss of what could have been but I have got better at coping with that.

We have built up a good support group on here and no one is excluded.

It is certainly not meant to be exclusive.

I know estranged mums who sadly have no other children. And realise I am Fortunate.

No one goes through life without some problems.

How sad that some people seem To delight in being unkind I have found in my experience they are usually tortured souls. People who are happy dont normally behave like that.

I have no idea of what caused the estrangements that some posters are having to live with & I am sure that it is painful and not something that can be put aside and forgotten about. It must be shocking.

However on this open forum your posts are for any GN member to read and comment on.
If they read what has been said by those COOTL as self indulgent or navel gazing or lacking in insight they have every right to say so!

Sometimes, and I know that in a different but similarly painful situation I did get too self absorbed , it takes an outsider to almost shock you out of the state of mind you are in by telling you a few home truths to help you move forward to a more positive place.

I hope those of you who are angry and hurt by not being in your grandchildren's lives find some solace and contentment in other positive aspects of you lives.

Annsixty think you misread yogagirl she was joking due to length of her reply! No one feels you have been unkind.

The reaction of the regular contributors to my post(s) and to the other recent ones, is exactly as I could have predicted. Everyone is in the wrong but them. I did think for a moment that I could turn their eyes outward from themselves for a moment, but I was wrong.

I shall return to my boring life and leave you to your mutual admiration society. May you never be in a thread where someone really IS trying to stir up trouble for you.