Yes I am being unreasonable and I know it....

We celebrated our silver wedding this year by taking the family away, our son and his SO, my two step children their partners and children, 14 of us.I too had dreamt of the holidays you talk about and the week away in France met with all my expectations.

We had a wonderful time, the kids all got on no one argued ,it was a fantastic holiday, so much so that they have all asked to do it again, great if we are paying I suppose!

I think we will try and make it an every other year tradition, as there are so many other calls on their time, with divorced families there are double the number of grannies and grandads to visit, Christmas is always a nightmare, I forget the last time we saw them all together.

My main reason for wanting to do it is to ensure that my sone feels he has a close relationship with his brother and sister who are both 10 years oder than him - when we go they will be his family and I wnat him to feel close to them in a way that I never was to my brother

Development! I'm invited to a barbecue at my son's house on Saturday
to mingle with the new tenants! Gosh.
I'm going to wear a big smile and be really nice to them, if it kills me!
Seriously, it's nice of them to invite me and I will try to stop bitching about these tenants now!
Jealousy is a nasty thing.......and I'm guilty of it.

I love the remark, Ella46, about not having to look after grumpy old men.
So true! There are advantages in being alone!

my problem is similar - re my post under am I being unreasonable that I opened my mouth during GS christening party that I never got to hold GS and DIL and family never spoke once to us, GS was booked on a holiday to tenerife even ebfore he was born. DIL always goes with her mum and they have a large bunch of friends there - who are called auntoes and uncles by DIL when my own son and daughter is never even regarded in that way, neither have I ever been called a grandmother

So I have to put up with the fact my DIL never wants my GS to know us - I have 4 other GC so thats something but to be denied access to one is very hurtful

The problem with my holiday dream is that it's very specific. I used to live in Cornwall. Met my [ex] husband there and we always went back several times a year both before and after having children. The first time I went back to Port Quin without all of them I walked along the coastal path, sat on a bench and looked back towards the beach and felt so empty, imagining my children playing in the rock pools. Years before that I'd done the same thing and watched them, knowing that one day they wouldn't be there. Somehow I have a need to sit on that bench, look back and see my granchildren there, to see how life turns full circle, and there's no beginning or end, just a continuation. It's strange anyway when I go back to Cornwall because I sometimes see people that I recognise but they don't know me as it's decades since we last met; I feel like a ghost wandering around. This all came about because, when the children were little I was at St Davids looking through some railings at the ruins, and an elderly lady stood next to me. She looked down at my children [one in a pushchair still], smiled and said 'it only seems like yesterday that I was stood here like you with my babies'; and I knew I was looking into the future. I think all these feelings are being exacerbated by my imminent retirement and the end of yet another chapter of my life. And gracesmum; you have so hit the nail on the head with your mention of Rosamund Pilcher; the Shell Seekers being a book that I love..her stories are like books for adults that are really about the innocent feelings you have before life starts to hit you in the face and disappoints on numerous occassions. I have to admit to enjoyed a good wallow in melancholy sometimes anyway .

tegan (and lashings of ginger beer) x

Tegan I really know how you feel. We have a house in France and when the DGC appeared we thought how nice it would be to have a family holiday there every year with DS and family. In the seven years since first DGC was born this has happened once. It is not that DS & family do not want family holidays, we have had several in rented properties in England and they seem incapable of holidaying with out at least one and preferably more extra relatives - and without rows or arguments They just do not want to go to France.

The reason is that they live in the north of England and it is a long journey to the ferry but I think it is also because they get very anxious, possibly even over anxious about the children's welfare on long journeys, which I accept, but once in France the journey there is only an hour and anyway they usually spend a night in our UK home.

Like Tegan I know I am being unreasonable and we have so many happy times together when we stay with them, they stay with us and we share other holidays, but DS and DD have very happy childhood memories of a week every summer spent with elderly relatives of mine who lived in an old cottage by the sea in Kent and I wanted to recreate this in a different way for my DGC.

Annie 56, me and you and our grandchildren we are not allowed to hold! Let alone go on holiday with them. My son, wife and baby are coming over from the other side of the world for a week soon, it will be the second time I've seen the baby on a year and I'm dreading it as not sure I will cope again with barely spending anytime with him. They have grand plans to visit friends all over the country in a week and I'm already resigned to being fitted into a couple of hours!
Does anyone else agree that it seems to be down to the personality etc of the DIL shaping the behaviour and routines of the sons new family unit? I've watched friends families over the years especially those who have sons and it seems that the sons wife usually dictates what happens re family get togethers, whether that be positive or negative for the Inlaws. If only they were all like my partners wonderful wonderful daughter who goes out of her way to include me and her mother in law in all aspects of her gorgeous little ones daily life. As a consequence of her delightful ways there are never any conflicts of interests.
My eldest son has a lovely long term partner but she is quietly determined that all special times, like Christmas, should be spent with her parents as that is their "tradition". Her devoted partner , my son, therefore hasn't spent any special occasions with me since university days.
I'm exhausted sometimes with the fixed smile and "that sounds lovely, do have a good time and ill see you soon". I defînitely wouldn't want to fall out with my sons though so would never make a fuss about it.
Do those of you with daughters ever wonder how your son in laws mum feels? I do often wonder how different my life would be if I had a daughter! Not that I don't love my sons of course.

It is very true what you say storynanny. We see my daughter's twins as often as we like and are always made very welcome by our son-in-law. In contrast we see very little of our son's daughter unless we ask to see her and then we only stay for an hour. Our daughter-in-law has not been physically very well since the baby's birth and prefers to have only her own family in the house. Her mother stays from Monday to Friday to help look after the baby . It is no wonder the little one cries at us when she sees us.it is not as we would like it to be but as you say it is necessary to keep the peace.

I realise from reading your posts how very lucky I am with my three girls and their families. As I write, SiL no.1 is sitting beside me discussing restaurants and food, my gc's running happily around. They have been here for a week overlapping with DD3 and her family, enjoying a wonderful bucket and spade holiday at my home. It is very exhausting,messy not to mention expensive, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We had a big holiday 2 years ago in France ( the last before John died) with the 3 DDs, Sil's and the then 6 gc's. There had to be a lot of give and take as they all have different ideas on child rearing and a few feathers were ruffled on occasion, but a fantastic time was had and many memories to treasure of the last holiday with Dad. They all spend time with the outlaws and I am happy that they do. Christmas has always worked out, whether by luck or judgement so far.......
and to all of you who are not so lucky

Gally, the GC's will always remember these times, won't they? A two minute walk from that lovely little beach carrying their buckets and spades back and forth. Bliss!

We have found that the grandparents on one side and grandmother on the other have fallen into complementary roles. I have a lovely loving DiL. She has her mother living in the same town and she has been an absolute tower of strength for the family. She has done some full day childcare but, as she is in her mid-70s, her main role has been backstop, emergency care, and constant moral support for DS, DDiL and DGC, of particular assistance because DDiL has health problems and gets very tired and run down.

We live 200 miles away and simply cannot provide that kind of help and, to be honest, I would not be prepared to be the constant backstop, in and out of the house like DiL's mother. However we are better off and can sometimes quietly provide a little bit of extra cash when disaster strikes. We are also doers. DS would be hard pressed to tell one end of a screwdriver from another but DH is very good at DIY and I do decorating and curtain making so DDiL is gradually getting the house interior she would like.

We always stay with the other grandma when we visit and we have gone on holiday together. We are so fortunate that our son married such a lovely woman with such a nice family.

I would like to pay tribute here, with gratitude, to my two wonderful daughters in law, as well as to my dear son in law, after reading these hearttrending accounts.

Both my sons married the women who complemented their lives, who are family orientated and who have never been partisan. They have made every effort to build our family, while not ignoring their own mothers. (There are no fathers) And my DSiL is like another son.

Believe me, I am not gloating, just very, very grateful.

Thank you all for opening my eyes. My love and hope for you.

Storynanny. Your fixed smile and 'do have a good time' rang so many bells with me !

Ariadne I'm in the same position, but also I have wonderful parents in law too. Not a year has gone by that we haven't shared a family holiday together, initially with my husband's grandparents joining us and his parents 'hosting', then a few years later 'joint hosting' with my in laws, and this year for the first time my husband and I were the hosts. In 27 years I have never had a cross word with my parents in law - they're remarkably special people.
Now I listen to my own (adult) children discussing how they can fit in family holidays and I'm aware that there will be times in the future when it probably won't happen, but it is hard to synchronize holiday time and to try to please two sets of parents. I'm content to know that they would like to have family holidays still - even if it doesn't always work out.

After I posted yesterday, my DD phoned to say they were coming down for a long weekend on the bank holiday
Is she monitoring my posts?

I think there is an inherent danger in initiating "traditions" much as we would like to. By this I mean the sort of set up where people say "We alwys go to...... for Easter, The family always come to us at Christmas....We always like to go on a skiing holiday together" etc. You are setting yourself (or somebody) up for disappointment and heartache when the DC/DGC decide they want a change of plan one year. We have experienced this one Christmas .Our Sisters in Law and nephew had up till then always spent Christmas with us after MIL died and then DD who had had her first baby decided she wanted to have us, her sisters and her in-laws on Christmas Day and the rest of the extended family not until Boxing Day. WW III broke out and one Sis in Law really took the huff - ridiculous! I have already been forewarned that DD, SIL and DGC may go skiing next Christmas and while I shall be sorry not to see the little boys I will get used to the idea!

Tegan a very, very wise elderly friend of mine (now departed) once said to me, "the hardest battles are fought on the hearthstone". The trick must be (because I have yet to find a solution) not to harbour vain hopes and feelings about our relatives whether blood or in-laws, and thereby protect oneself from the potential wounds.

Hey, if only it were that easy! Have a and a nice Friday.

I echo *Ariadne', and others, who have paid tribute to the way their children (or in my case, daughters - our sons have no children) deal with this situation in a very fair way.

In our case, we expect nothing really except to be available to help if and when but I know that the girls appreciate that. All their in-laws, on the other hand, are quite demanding but in all cases they have no other grandchildren so I can understand how they feel.

Echoing something GA put on another thread, I doubt we will ever truly know what an empty nest feels like. I love that but I also quite like DH and spending time with him on our own!

Oh specki, that old saying is so true. I'll remember that. Good to know we're not alone with it!

I, like Specki had a very wise old friend who used to say ,

"When they are little they make your arms ache "
" When they are older they make your heart ache" .

Tah dah X

Just had a text from DD telling me all about what they are doing. I so want to be there.

Ho hum.

Wait til you get the photo-message showing you what a wonderful time they're having...

(Mine does that...)

The main reason I've deleted my Facebook account. Tired of hearing what
a wonderful time they're all having. What you don't know can't hurt you (allegedly)