cut out of thier lives 2

Cassandra; I was only estranged from my daughter and grandchildren for a short time but it made me realise how easily things like this can happen and how painful it is. I found great support on here at the time and you will too. It won't take the pain away but it will help you as it did me.

Dollie, my heart goes out to you, as it does for Cassandra and the other grans/mothers who suffer as we do from estrangement of our families.
My daughter estranged herself for the second time in 10 years. The first time was for 7 years then after a 3-year respite, in May of this year, told me never to contact her again. I don't know what I've done wrong, and would like to be able to tackle it like you have, but I can't.
I just cannot come to terms with it. And what makes it even worse is that she will know that I can't - and that doesn't matter to her.

it wont be until our kids have grown up kids of their own and they wont have anything to do with their mums that they will realise the pain and hurt they caused us...but it will be too late and our kids will have to live with that...

after my husband died my other daughter said '' i wish i had of spent more time with dad'' she also has rejected me and i bet she wont say that about me when ive gone...

Oh dollie, I do so know where you're coming from with this. However, there are days when I can accept it better. It doesn't actually make it easier knowing that others are suffering the same, but being able to see how others cope, does make it a bit easier. And as the saying goes, "It's good to talk".

oh i get bad days but i have to pull myself together as it will just eat away at me...we have to all remember it was the kids choice to abandon us regardless of the circumstances...

You are right, dollie. xx

I have only been coming on here for a few months and like you Tegan I have found it so helpful. All the ladies are so caring and supportive. Only people who have been or are going through what we're going through can possibly understand. So I hope you find it helps you Cassandra.

Your post was heart breaking to read It never ceases to amaze and horrify me what some children are prepared to do to their own parents.

Your experience Marelli is some thing I have feared since this nightmare began. Re establishing contact with my s to then have him reject us a second time. I never would have thought it possible to be in this position, and knowing now what he is capable of, I would always be waiting for it to happen again.

It's impossible to come to terms with what has happened. I still can't believe that it has. Some mornings when I wake up it takes a few moments for me to remember, and then of course I wish I could forget.

My s will never appreciate what he has done to us unless as you say dollie his own s does the same thing to him. I fear it is already too late for us. So many lies, so much deceit and such cruelty. To not see him or our gs for over a year when he is literally a 2 min walk down the road; words cannot express.

Sounds like you had a great week end Celebgran. All that dancing, you must be worn out. Hope it goes OK for you tomorrow if you decide to take the pressies to your D. I'll be thinking of you and keeping every thing crossed.

Oh Yogagirl what a shame your gd picture wasn't in the paper or would it have been more upsetting for you if it had been! that you've cried but may be it's time to release some of the pain. You've been through so much this year and been so brave and courageous for you.

Good night every one

Thank you everyone for being so welcoming. Before this happened to our family I would never have imagined adult offspring could be so hurtful. Friends have been supportive but I have felt so alone in living with this as I've not known anyone else in this situation. The general feeling is it will blow over but I think I've lost him forever. I question all the time if I'm doing the right thing and life would be so much easier if I stopped contact with my GD. But what sort of relationship could I ever have with my son after that?

it is hard to come to terms with and accept that our kids want nothing more to do with us but we have to harden ourselves up or it will destroy us!!

i have offered the olive branch to both my daughters and had the branch thrown back at me every single time...i cant and wont offer it any more!!!! a few months ago after a lot of deliberation i decided to change my will and ive cut both my estranged daughters out...i can not and will not condone their behaviour towards me over the last 4 years...

i do have a son but he lives miles away and we are in regular contact and he comes down to see me at least once a month...

i have oesteo arthritis in both knees so cant get out and about ....i dont see anyone for weeks .....i have i.b.s. also vaginal atrophy....in the last 4 years i have lost my husband to bone cancer ( we didnt know the doctors told us he had 2 weeks to live ) he died just over the 2 weeks later...in the same year i had two major operations and the following year i had a breakdown!!! all this has led me to now suffering from c.f.s./ m.e. i have had no support from both daughters and ive been left to get on with it ...the behaviour of my older daughter has rubbed off onto my grandaughters and i very rarely see them...last year i stopped buying xmas pressents and birthday presents as i will not be just here for those occasions!!! yes i may sound hard but i have to be or i will fall to pieces....it is NOT my fault or any mothers fault the way kids turn out and we must remember that...and i will survive!!!! and so will YOU ... xx

Thank you Dollie. I'm so sorry to hear of all your problems. I wish I could toughen up and get on with things but I am constantly on the edge of tears and don't want to live like this. It breaks my heart to think his children will grow up thinking we didn't want anything to do with them.

Morning Girls
Am I on the right page? so many newbes! Welcome x
All your stories are so sad, same as ours already on here, strange how there is never a good reason for being 'cut out of their lives'! I've got to thinking that I will never see my D or GC again and as said, they will only realize how cruel they have been to their mums (&dads) when they are GP, but they prob wont have the same treatment as us, as they will be prepared, having done it themselves. Of course they still wouldn't realize the immense pain until they too were 'cut out'.
All I can say Cassandra is that you are doing the right thing, how could you possible turn your back on your GD, your S and d.i.l are the ones in the wrong not you, so as painful as I know it is for you, what else could you have done. My ND and I have already had a discussion on this subject and I said to her, ' if they (D & s.i.l) had fullen out with you and then asked me to join them and 'cut you out' I would have said 'no!' even though I would then by 'cut out' too. I couldn't do that, it would be very wrong and cruel to my ND and then that would make me as bad as them! So you did the right thing and have certainly earned your angel wings for sticking by your lovely GD

Your life wouldn't be easier if you stopped seeing your GD Cassandra because you would be trying to stop being the person you really are. You are doing the right thing and all too often in life doing the right thing is much harder than doing the wrong thing. Sadly, your son is doing what is easier for his new rel., not what's right for his D.

Family (well some of them any way) and friends are supportive but they cannot understand our pain. No one can unless they are unfortunate enough to have experienced this cruelty. It really does help knowing that you're not alone. It is both comforting and frightening to know that so many suffer the way we do.

I'm keeping a memory box for my gs. so one day he will know that we did love him and thought about him every day. I write him little letters or poems and buy 2 bday and 2 Christmas cards, one goes to the their house and the other in the box; the same message written in each. I hope that when he is older he will contact us but if not, I've left him the memory box in my will.

Don't worry about toughening up and always being on the verge of tears. We all have our own way of getting through each day and for now this is your way. for you.

You're not hard dollie you're courageous and realistic. We're mothers, not emotional punch bags and we all have our limits. Some times the only thing we can do for our own sake is to with draw. That's what we have done. It doesn't make the pain go away but it does make life a little more bearable.

Hey there Yogagirl, I think it is more than a possibility that our C will suffer at the hands of their own when they grow up. After all, our gc will have witnessed their parents treatment of us. It's frightening to think that our beautiful gc could grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to behave!

Hope your Christmas tree is still standing. I wonder what's happened to Celebgran do you think she is still sleeping after her hectic week end away

Have a good day every one.

Sorry everyone, I had to shoot-off quick as My ND was calling me, as she does every morning on her way to work, so I wasn't forgetting everyone else.
Ah! Dollie, I've lost my S too, with whom I've never had a bad word with before all this. I'm sure your D's dad, your husband, will be turning in his grave at what your D's are doing to you, now he has gone. What an immensely terrible 4yrs you have had, your sD's should have been there for you, not turned their backs! I too have written my will and only my ND and my GC are in it, also any C my ND may have when I'm no more, which over this year, was nearly the case! Keep your chin up today, on your D B/day. to try and brighten your day.
Marelli Smileless and all

GOODLUCK CELEBGRAN and on your return

Cassandra, I sympathise with your plight. My DS1 had a most unsuitable relationship when he was about 20 with a woman who then had his daughter. When the relationship broke up, he went to work seasons (in the hospitality industry) in Europe, but never rejected his daughter. I maintained my relationship with her. It did bother me when he had a new, serious relationship and I was afraid his new partner wouldn't want to acknowledge his daughter. For ages he wouldn't tell her about the child but when he did, she really proved her worth and is now the world's best stepmother. GD, now 21, lives with them - and the other two children - at the moment. But it could all have been so different if I hadn't maintained the relationship despite some rather nasty moments with my GD's mother. So my advice, for what it's worth, is to keep up the relationship with your GD. You never know how things might pan out in the future. Good luck with all that.

Thank you all so much. It helps to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry there is so much hurt being caused. My GD is now 10 so this has been going on a long time with many ups and downs (mainly downs). It's only been since his child with his wife has been born that we have been given the ultimatum that we must choose. And it's not just us suffering. He doesn't contact his grandparents who are now elderly and I know it is a great source of sadness to them. "Annodomini" your situation sounds just like mine but your son obviously took responsibility for his child and his partner has shown maturity and understanding. My DIL has said I'm a bad mother for choosing my GD over my son. Thank you "Smileless 2012" for the idea of the memory box. I'll think about doing that.

I haven't got anything useful to say to all you brave people, except to send you ((hugs)) and another GN shoulder to lean on.

No, Cassandra, you are not a bad mother! You are a loving grandma, cherishing your granddaughter who has been abandoned by her father.

Thank you Annodomini I think I just need to know I'm doing the right thing as I doubt myself all the time these days.

Hello Cassandra and Dollie and welcome to Gransnet. I too am in a similar position (see my post on this thread: Tue 10-Dec-13 23:56:03). The hurt doesn't go away, but I consciously choose not to feed the feelings of rejection and to remain hopeful, but realistic; I'm not always successful at this, but I give it my best shot. I make the very best of the time I spend with my other children and grandchildren and try to focus on the here and now rather than going over and over the possible reasons for the estrangement. I can't change the situation, but I can choose to make the best of what is rather than hankering for the impossible.
It's hard sometimes, but worth the effort.

Grannyactivist I wish I could be so positive. I consider myself an optimist but this has knocked my confidence so much. How do you manage birthdays and Christmas? I feel I should be reaching out to my son at this time but he doesn't answer his phone and never acknowledges my messages. My husband is so cross at the way we've been treated and says he will not contact him until he apologises for the things he has said to me. This has caused tension between us as I can't understand why he won't go and see him for my sake. I haven't the strength for a confrontation with my son. have started to write many letters which have never been sent as I think they will misinterpret my feelings and use them against me.

Cassandra, at birthdays, Christmas and Easter I send cards and gifts for which I usually receive thank you cards. In that way, from my side at least, the connection remains unbroken. I will always be ready to take a next step if it should be presented and won't need an apology to move forward if an olive branch is ever proffered.
It is unrealistic and unkind of your son to try to make you 'unlove' your granddaughter and I suspect he feels an unacknowledged element of guilt that would come to the surface if he were to keep in contact with her himself. In your shoes I would continue to maintain contact with him and his new family through cards and gifts at appropriate times, not least to demonstrate that love doesn't just disappear when difficulties arise - and be ready to take any opportunity to rekindle the relationship.
In the meantime have a (((hug))) because I do know just how deeply painful this situation is for you.

Hi all yes what lot new names welcome all and so sorry that sadness is about to so many.

GrannyActivist you armless sensible we try very harmed also to enjoy life despite it all but sometimes I have to just cry as it overwhelms. Me.

Thanks so much yogagirl for remembering we did not go ! Oh seems so tired and so do I I. End we wrote letter to our daughter last.night saying we could not face being abused by son I law again and posted small gifts will take rest over after Xmas if we stronger! We sent cars to 3 little girls also.

Managed to have enjoyable day lunch out and some shopping! Got new dress yesterday and today skirt top naughty ! Oh sorry 2 tops. N off for quick rest !oh and fresh cream eclair from marks to go with cuppa! Treats all round.

Morning Girls
Hello Celebgran nice to hear from you, I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering if you braved the visit and if so, how you got on. You have to trust your gut feeling and if that said 'don't go' then you did the right thing in not going. I myself have said that I will send no presents or cards , as I will not reward my D's cruelty to me and my ND. I always bought lovely Xmas cards with lovely words on and written by me inside, for b/days too, so couldn't possibly do that now. I have got my GC lovely cards and I will put them in their big sacks of presents and cards from last Xmas and their b/days. I will also open a bank acc for both of them and put some money in every Xmas and b/days too. I think this awful situation makes you tired Celebgran but I bet that choc eclair helped , funny enough my ND and I had one yesterday too! naughty but nice . Don't eat too many more though or you'll not get into any of those nice new clothes you've just bought
for all

Footnote; re cards and presents.
I also want my D to miss not getting lovely and loving cards from me and her sister, and her C (my GC) not getting all the lovely gifts and cards they would have had from us. So that maybe she will be sorry for what she is doing, and doing for no reason at all apart from giving her husband the pleasure of hurting us and appeasing his and his mother's jealousy.