Daughter in law problems

I think your first sentence is rather telling and not in a good way, I'm afraid.
Obviously, I don't know anything about your situation but you come across as if you're in competition with the DGD's mother for their affection.
That is NEVER a good idea.
It's not remotely surprising that your DS supports his wife in this.
You are only the grandparent and not the parent and if I were you, I'd back off completely and wait to be invited back into their lives.
I'm a grandparent to a lovely little boy but I rarely see him in person as we live a long distance away. DiL parents very differently to me but I respect her ways 100% when they visit us and I let her get on with it.
It sounds like you need to find other distractions to occupy you so that you don't dwell too much on this and learn to accept that your role is to be supportive of both parents in bringing up THEIR children.

Ah, the dreaded Facebook. I suggest you deactivate your account if you have one.

Is all this over being asked not to attend their sport avents?
Have I read it wrong?

Loving grandparents can sometimes be unaware that they are being a little overbearing and are in danger of undermining the relationship between parent and child/children.

Do you think you might sometimes be guilty of spoiling your grandchildren or showing disapproval of their parents' rules or wishes, either through action, word or facial expression - or of having an expectation that, because of your help with the children, you are entitled to be involved in everything relating to them?

Maybe your daughter-in-law is just an unreasonable person but, given that it appears you have got on fairly well for quite a few years, it seems that she may have been biting her tongue for some of that time. Perhaps your son is browbeaten and acquiescent, but perhaps he agrees with his wife and is therefore backing her up.

Only you can know that but, as you no doubt love your grandchildren, it might help to bear in mind that family rifts of this nature may be very damaging for them. They may resent their parents for taking such a hardline approach with you, and this in turn can lead to arguments and simmering resentments, sometimes leading to future problems. I therefore feel that, even if you feel you have been harshly and unfairly treated, you should try not to escalate this unpleasantness and back off for a while.

Please don't think this is a hurtful answer, but I'd like to tell you a story about a friend of mine.

He lives in a beautiful house with his wife. they both have excellent jobs and are not short of a bob or two... they have nice cars and take lovely holidays and go out for meals to nice places.

His daughter is a single parent, works full time for the council and lives in a one bedroom flat with her little girl,

She sleeps on the sofa so her daughter can have the bedroom.

He thinks he is far better at parenting than his daughter. The granddaughter has her own room in their house, and he is always going on about how much better they look after her.

One day the little girl wore a pair of very expensive earrings to school that her mother had given to her. Jewellery is not allowed at school and she was made to remove them. Then, somebody stole them.

The daughter told her off in front of the grandparents and he interfered telling his daughter it was her fault, and not to admonish the little girl.. he did this in front of the child thus undermining his daughter.

She said they would not be coming round any more and trounced off in a huff.

When he asked me what I thought I said honestly that the role of a grand parent is to support their children, and it was wrong of him to let the child see him telling her mother off.

He went into a rage and fell out with me telling me his daughter was a useless parent. The fact that he could help them tomorrow financially to get a better place to live didn't even enter into it, but it sits in my head all the same.

Some grandparents don't know when to leave well alone.

Back off and leave them. They will come round, and you have learned a hard lesson.

I mean well here x

My dil was very jealous of the love I had for my son and grandchildren. I've really worked very hard to help her to see that I'm not a threat.

When my dh passed away she became even more anxious thinking I would become "needy" and then to make matters even more nightmarish my dil's mother passed away.

However, I've worked very hard to remedy the situation and now I think she actually likes me, I'm not "needy" well if I am I hide it and I'm not a replacement for her dear mum.

It's not easy being the mil but Caren you have to step back as others have said, review the situation and see what you can do to make things better. I wish you all the luck in the world.

It sounds to me like Caren01 is and has been, a loving, helpful, grandmother who unfortunately has a rather nasty d-i-l.

I can only offer sympathy Caren. Facebook and the like have a lot to answer for.

Quoting Readheadedmommy' "is all this over being asked not to attend their sport avents?
Have I read it wrong?".

Yes, I think you might have done.

'I have 4 beautiful GDs and my DIL resents that they love me, my son now to keep peace is going along with her wish that my husband and I are not invited to any of their sports games'

That's the bit that popped out. Doesn't seem to be any reason apart from 'DIL resents they love me, so I'm not invited to the sports event'

Don't agree with the FB thing at all, no clue why people air dirty laundry on social media.

I don't think you've read it wrong, RHM.

I have 4 beautiful GDs and my DIL resents that they love me, - that is a bit of a scary statement and, like other, it jumps out at me. I am trying to analyse exactly why. Somehow I feel that there is a hint of competition here, which is not healthy. GC love their grandparents in a different way from their own parents upon whom they are dependent.

I think that rather than feel resentment when you do not get asked to such things as sports events it might be good to try and follow Falconbird's very wise post where she talks of working hard to make sure it is clear that she is not a threat.

My first sentence comes from the psychologist that I was asked to go see, this was after DIL and Son went, you have no idea how far Ive backed off, I am now at the point of should I show up for birthday parties, that are coming in the next month, she does not like me around, but if I dont go I dont get to see my Grandaughters. Then they ask where have I been? I make excuses. It just sucks!

Best thing is to wait and see if you're invited to the birthdays. (You may do this anyway.)

If not send the children cards and presents in the post. I don't get to see my gc on their actual birthdays but I always put some money in an envelope for them which they love and look forward to.

Keep going Caren. I know it's hard and hurtful.Take care of yourself.

It was my biggest wish to have grandchildren and the hardest thing to compete with what with other in laws and biting tongues on occasions what I think now is o concentrate on my husband and myself and if they visit or want us to babysit we go our relationship is better now we have backed off get on with your own life and concentrate on what's here and now!

Did you get on well before?If so,why has she changed? Has she always been resentful and the situations come to a head maybe.

Whatever the daughter-in-law feels,she is extremely selfish .All children have a right to have a relationship with their grandparents,and providing that the children wish it,she must allow it.
I had a wonderful friend who taught special needs children for many years.Her son was a deputy head.
His first wife remained on fabulous terms with my friend throughout her entire life.
His second wife was a nightmare and eventually my friend and her husband were banned from seeing the children....as they didn,t wash their hands well enough before handling the children !!!!
These grandparents lived in sorrow for several years until the children became teens and demanded to see their grandparents.
Sadly granpa had died ,but gran went on to have the most fantastic relation ship with those two teens ,who adored her.
The happiness of the children should always be paramount.

I had to take GS to one side and explain to him that it was hurtful to his Mummy for him to keep saying to her that he wished he was at Grandma's. Situation sort of resolved itself next time he was staying because he suddenly got homesick and ended up crying on the phone to Mummy that he was missing her. Valuable moment. BTW my rule is never ever ever turn up to anything, school or home, without express invitation from DiL. Now it feels really good when I'm invited and I know I'm wanted there - for that time! I'm a bit super-sensitive to this because I used to so dread my MiLs visits when mine were small.

That doesn't sound like a very professional thing for a Psychologist to say if you went at the request of the parents. I wonder if you and your DIL have fallen into the trap my DM and I fell into. I was always happy to let my DM have a full role in my DD's care. It seemed to suit all of us although sometimes I had to bite my tongue when her ways weren't mine, after all she often looked after DD so it seemed only fair. However, as my daughter got older I realised the lines had got incredibly blurred and there was a lot of confusion in her mind about who was the actual parent. Although I tried to gently rectify the situation, it eventually meant we had to back off big time to enable us to to parent our DC. Our 2 DB's who were much younger found this easy, my DD didn't. My Mum still doesn't recognise her behaviour had become more manipulative and unsupportive a lot of the time, still slips up calling her DD and is very hurt by my drawing back but I did discuss this at length with a Counsellor first. Maybe the same Psychologist who spoke to you has advised your DIL to do this and your DS is being the husband he should by supporting her.

Four pregnancies and four children in eight years! Four daughters too. That's exhausting ? I wonder if the eight year old (she's exactly the right age) has lately said, (shouted, screeched) 'if granny were here she'd (do this/let me do that/give me/buy me/allow me etc.)' Children can be very manipulative. I have one daughter and two sons. I love them, all three, but the boys were easy compared to my daughter. Life would've been very different if they'd been three girls. I would have been driven mad! Cut your daughter-in-law some slack, as they say. Worse is yet to come! Four daughters....?

Caron do tread carefully. There is an ongoing thread here on GN populated by grans who have been cut out of their children's lives and never see thegrandchildren.
Back away from this situation before you join their ranks and while it still can be remedied.

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong but it's up to you what happens next.

By your age you ought to have acquired skills in diplomacy and be able to understand other people's point of view. Use these skills to build bridges and retrieve the good will and respect of your son and DiL.

I have the long distance relationship problem rather than the close at hand one, but I have found some of the points here very interesting. Backing off from contact for a while can end up being a very long while across the miles, and it is obvious to want contact with son and grandkids, even if he is probably being browbeaten and acquiescent much of the time. It is often hard to know whether one then falls into the trap of being passive aggressive, because resentment and anger build up, and one ends up complaining to others and feeling unappreciated, yet expressing some of these feelings directly would cause a rift. Anyway, some of the points raised here have made me weigh up the situation again, as hopefully it has helped Caren01 to

Did dil and son go to see the psychologist because they realise she has a problem? What did the psychologist advise when you saw him/her?

Ask if you can help at the birthday parties. I should hope she would say yes.

I didn't say back off from 'contact' moobox - I quite clearly said to back away from this 'situation'.

Contact ought to be continued, but in a light, non-interfering way, until a better, more healthy relationship can be built - if that is still possible.

For example rather than asking to help at the party, which has the potential to be refused outright and therefore makes the situation worse, just say 'if there's anything I can do to help at the party give me a call'. Subtle difference.