Partner puts his 30 year old son before me

On your own admission you have only been together for a year and do not live together.
I think the pull of “family” will always be the stronger one at least in the early stages of a relationship. They have decades of history and I think it is rather nice to think of the three generations of men spending Easter together.
Perhaps you could choose these occasions to visit your family and gradually work at bringing them together?

Yes but a year at our time of life is quite a long time. I have said I will go to my daughters at Easter, but I do not think their relationship is healthy. What happens when his son meets someone and his father passes away, he will be alone and I may not be around to do things with him. We see my family and have all had meals together including his son, who I really like, and get on with. It is just the issue of when his son is home he puts him first. I feel like an outsider. I do not want to sound like a spoiled brat but I guess I thought at this time of my life I would be with someone who put me first as I would them. Kids have their own lives to live, and build lives for themselves.

I don't think there is a right or wrong to either approach, but it may be time to evaluate things and see if it's worth continuing.

You’re only 55. Are you sure you want to be with a 70 year old?

You wouldn’t see me for dust.

Not that I’m 55, but if I was.........

Could it not be that as his father is 96 he would want himself and children I to spend as much time with him as they can? I do agree a year really isn’t long and to me family will always come before a newish relationship but that’s just me.

lol he is a very young 70 year old and even his doctor thinks he is amazing for his age. He is a lovely man and we have fun together and I feel like I am being selfish especially when I see it written down. But your kids grow up and move on. His son is still at uni so in June he will be back home with no job and sitting around in their flat. He is very unmotivated. I hope I am wrong and maybe he will get a job and move out but I honestly cant see it. I am 56 this year and feel like my life is running away from me. I work full time and need to know there is someone there for me too. Not someone who is waiting around for when it suits him!! God I sound awful!

You sound sensible; not the least bit awful.

You've chosen somebody who's very involved with his family. That's probably because he's a kind, considerate family man. He will continue the traditions and habits he has.

Surely, you can't expect him to just drop them and put you first. You wouldn't even like someone with that sort of character.

So, the crux is that you can't have it both ways!

Life is running away from you!

How about, when he is busy with family you go off and have a jolly.

Trek the Himalayas, swim by the Great Barrier Reef, zipline in Costa Rica.

Or at least do all of that in Wales...........

Oh I’m being a bit facetious- but you sound like someone who likes a bit of fun?

Yabu, you are not a good match.

The trouble here is, that you want something that he doesn't! Sorry to be harsh, but if he wanted you to be his 'number one' you would be.

He may well be a good companion to you - when his family isn't around - but you feel that you come 'second-place'. And you want him to be 'a little possessive'. But he isn't.

A year is little time, really, to build a strong relationship. But he may never change.

You must decide whether you're wasting your time with him or not. At the moment he's not giving you what you want. Maybe he will in the future - or maybe not ...?

You don't mention love at all ...? Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Has it been mentioned between you?

If I were you, I would enjoy this relationship for what it is, but not feel tied to him in any way.

More fish in the sea ...?

My relationship to a T. Very similar age gap. Very similar situation, except we've been together 13 years.

What you've described has happened to my bloke. His family are away and he is now alone because he never made a commitment to me. Because of his unwillingness to make changes to his life to include me I have planned a different life for myself and now work overseas.

I feel sorry for him but its a situation of his own making. He is alone and lonely when he could have had a close loving partner. His choice.

It`s only been a year Grandma100.
Give it time and have patience.
Maybe if you lived together he may see you as his number one
but at this early stage I would if I were in his situation I would ALWAYS put family first.
One year with a part time friend a lifetime with his family ?
you do the maths.

It’s tricky isn’t it you are 2 separate people that enjoy each other’s company, but you are not a couple, neither of you have committed. With his son likely to be on the scene for the long term you are going to be playing second fiddle in the future. He will know that and wants you to have your own life and not be dependent on him.

It is a large age gap, that is not a problem in itself, just another factor to balance in your decisions. You are young, with another 10 yrs plus before you get a pension, he will be 80 by then. How do you want your future to be, solo or living with a partner, perhaps now is the time to make that decision.

In my case my new partner 10 yrs younger committed and moved in quickly and has been incorporated into my family easily. She took the risk if you like, the part time work she enjoys seems to be enough outside interest for her. Work aside we do most things as a couple, it’s what we both want.

I’m wondering whether he sees your relationship in the same way you do. Could it be he sees it as more of a friendship, and his family come first? Have you actually talked to him about this? He may be thinking you won’t hang around long, because you’re so much younger, so he invests in his family, who have, after all, been with him so much longer. A year out of his seventy is really just dipping his toe in the water! Hope it works out for you.

You say his son lives with him when not away at Uni. So that is his home. You don't live with him. You are the one who is not 'committed'.
Make the most of enjoying his company, and keep looking. 55 is no age these days, and there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Thing is you have chosen a family orientated man, you don’t live together, So he’s not seeing you as top priority his AC are. You have to think is this relationship going to lead to anything more permanent, it’s a bit of an age gap, you need to talk to him, I’m not saying that age gaps don’t work of course, but you don’t seem to be on the same page to me, you won’t know what’s happening until you communicate, maybe he doesn’t want the same sort of relationship that you are looking for. But I would have thought that in 12 months you would know this, reading through your post again i think if it was me I’d be getting on with my life. I don’t think he’s going to be as you put it a little possessive

I think the problem also is that as you are working Easter is one of the only times you can get away. If you were retired like him you could go away any time and life would be easier. He obviously doesn't see this and of course it is tradition the three men spend Easter together. I see nothing wrong with that.

It is unfortunate that his daughter is visiting on your birthday weekend but that is surely just coincidence. It is probably the only time she can come.

I would arrange to go away with friends, family and make a life apart from him and just enjoy the times you do have together. You say he is happy with you going away on your own so maybe that is going to be the tone of the relationship, that you both maintain your independence.

I think dragonfly is right. He doesn't sound fully committed to you, you are just part of his life. So treat him the same way.

I agree with the others about his lack of commitment to you, but it is early days.

My ex has been married three times since we split up and the first two insisted on being put before our dd. Should he split up with the current one who is lovely, I don't think our adult dd would be too impressed if someone he had only been seeing for a short time came before her.

Do you really think he should not see his daughter because her visit will coincide with your birthday?

Families always come with baggage. My relationship with my OH has always been clear - his son came first in his life and my children first in mine. Sometimes it is difficult but the children existed before the relationship and deserve our loyalty.

I wouldn't think much of a man who put a friend before his children, even adult children.
You are not living together so I wouldn't have thought the term partner was applicable.

A year at our time of life
Of course none of us know what the future holds but 55 is young.

The best thing you can do is try to make as good a relationship with his children as possible if you really want this frienship to continue and develop.

Otherwise you could start making a social life separately from your friend. Who knows, you could meet someone who is more compatible.