I hate visiting my mum!

Don't feel guilty Kitty it's just how you feel, no more and no less.?

I think this is natural and similar to our experience. The body you visit is not the loving mum that you knew. Don't beat yourself up over it, you are handling he situation as best as is possible.

kitty {{{hug}}} its so hard I did this a year ago when my Father was sent home for end of life care. You do what you feel able and dont feel that you have failed in anywayx

You are being very honest kittyl, don't beat yourself up about it.
I think you should have a break. Your mum won't necessarily know if you skip a day and go for a walk, a drive, a massage, anything for YOU. Then take a deep breath before you go back, leave your glasses off and look beyond the facade which is inevitably going to distress you. Can you go WITH someone so that you can share the burden and the effort of trying to make a conversation? I have often wondered how the professionals cope and think it must be because they do not have the same emotional involvement.
Every good wish and hugs at this desperately hard time.

Visiting people who are really ill is very difficult to sustain for any period of time if you care about them. No one wants to see someone they care about deteriorating. So sorry for you kitty and your family. and ((huggs))

kitty, whatever your relationship has been like with your mum throughout your life it must be a terrible time for you now - oh the indignity of some end-of-life conditions. I hope for both your sakes that it won't be long now...

kitty Your post brings back memories. Mum's end of life was almost identical to what you're going through at the moment. The hallucinations were horrible especially as I visited every day.

I often pulled over into a layby on the way home because I couldn't see through tears. They weren't tears of sadness because I'd done all that but you feel so helpless and it just goes on and on and on.

Feel as sorry for yourself as you need to. I felt like I was on auto pilot and zombied my way through life. At one point I couldn't even speak to her carers when they came in the room without crying because I knew they knew I would be back again the next day to face the same thing.

One bit of advice.....When it's all over and you've dealt with the funeral etc., you will feel totally wiped out. Don't feel guilty if you fall asleep in the middle of the day or put off chores like shopping. It took me six months to feel normal again.

'Keep your chin up' might sound a bit flip but I can't think of any other way to put it.

kitty it is the unacceptable face of family life but it is a fact all the same that when things get to the stage you are at now with your mother it is totally OK to wish the end would come. The last week with my mum was awful ,watching the restlessness and the shouting out. I stayed at her RH several nights,they would find me an empty bed and when I woke I would creep into her room almost praying she would not be breathing. Sod's law applied of course in that
I had gone home for one night and she died the next morning while I was in the car on my way.
Your feelings are quite normal given your relationship with her and I hope no guilt is attached to the way you feel. You have been a very good daughter.

Oh kitty - how I do understand this. For me it was hard to deal with as the person whose life was coming to an end was a mother whom wished I could have loved wholeheartedly; but the fact was that I could not and did not.

Just allow yourself to feel what you feel - there is no right or wrong in this situation. You can only do your best within your own limitations - none of us can do anything else.

The physical facts of slowly dying can be so hard to watch, so do not beat yourself up if you are finding it hard - or indeed find some of it repellent. You are only human. Full marks for your honesty; and also for continuing to visit in spite of your feelings. Only do as much as you can do - do not set yourself unrealistic goals.

If it helps - I felt just the same.

kitty I'm sending a big hug, you are doing your best in difficult circumstances, and it's been a long road.

This must be so distressing for you Kitty,

Speaking as a nurse who often does 'End of Life Care' in the patient's own home ....... I hate to be factual here but by 'end of life care' do you mean that your mother has a syringe-driver running? If so, there should be no need to 'encourage fluids'.

Is there any involvement of a hospice team or Marie Curie?

I curse those hospitals who abused the Liverpool Care Pathway and applied it to the wrong patients - when used appropriately it provided a very clear care plan for effective end of life care, wherein a patient was attached to a syringe-driver which delivered measured doses of drugs including analgesia, and sedatives which help prevent hallucinations. But, the LCP is no more.

I felt the same way during my beloved step father's last weeks. I'm so sorry Kitty

kitty This is such a hard time for you. No-one could reproach you if you take a day off from visiting your Mum - even if that turns out to be the time of her departure. You need to take care of you.

I'm sorry that your Mum is lingering. It makes it so hard for everyone. Try and decide how many times a week you want to and are able to visit and stick to it unless the situation changes. That way you can relax on the other days and not feel guilty.

Kitty I know what you mean. I will explain tomorrow.(((hugs))) for now.

You've done your very best, despite having a difficult relationship with your mum.
If you truly don't want to go- no-one will blame you ((((hugs)))))

Hope this situation will not be too long xxx

Everything considered what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I just hope you don't have to go through this for too much longer (((hugs))))

Thank you all for being lovely - it has helped! I have realised that part of my problem is that I've often disappointed mum and I'm disappointed that I find visiting so awful.

Some of you might remember that mum caused a rift (now healed) between my brothers and me so I am determined to pull my weight as far as visiting goes. I only go 2/3 times a week at the moment but 'it' never goes away. Added to which, my younger brother can't drive at the moment so it is down to me and our other brother.

Well, do what you can, what you want- and NO more. Take care of yourself xxx

Kitty I understand how visiting can be difficult. In February 2002 my mum was already showing signs of dementia. My father was 86 and had been reasonably fit but suffering from stomach problems.

A couple of times in the previous year mum had stopped eating and drinking enough and became dehydrated. She did not want to eat and was getting angry if you tried to encourage her to do anything much.

In February my mum was sent off into hospital again dehydrated and my dad was showing signs of jaundice, within a couple of days both parents were in different hospitals 10 miles apart.

My mum then went into residential care as dad was in hospital and I was still working. I found visiting my mum was a nightmare. She was very unsettled and after a few days spent the time shouting out that she was dying. The other residents did not like this and were beginning to be nasty.

I was trying to visit as often as possible to two different places. But with my dad terminally ill and visiting with my mum totally stressful. I found it hard to cope and cut down the days I visited my visited mum. My dad died in mid April. My mum was in the care home and stopped eating and drinking again and the week after his funeral, which she could not attend, she went back into hospital very ill.

That week was dreadful. She was lying in bed shouting that she was dying and what really made it worse was when she was shouting at me to "wake dad up and tell him I'm dying."
I am not sure I had realised just how bad her dementia was maybe because of the support dad had been giving. I know
My reaction was unreasonable given her mental state but that is how I felt.

There would be things while mum was still in hospital like me just commenting that it was "a lovely day outside" and her then shouting at me that she did not want to go out she was too ill.
My sister was supportive as possible and spent a lot of time driving up the 120 miles from Bristol.

Mum was in nursing care from late April until early she died in early June.

I do feel still feel guilty about this worked out.

(((hugs))), Nellie. That was a real nightmare fir you. I'm sure you did what you could and shouldn't feel guilty. I know that is easy to say but more difficult to manage.

I'm going out with a couple of friends at lunchtime and they will say all the right things, as does DH, but the problem is still there.

Riverwalk, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your question.

Mum is in a Care home and currently has morphine patches. She has dementia and copd. She was in hospital over New Year with sepsis and then came back to the home. About 7 weeks ago we were told that she had a couple of days left.

It's agonising to watch the deterioration that comes with end of life , the ups and downs of close relationships inevitably impact. Memory can be a tricky thing to manage. Please care for yourself kitty, I've been so impressed at how you have managed. Just sending a huge hug.

kitty lots of wonderful advice and well worded sympathy.
I can add nothing to what has already been said. It's hard and I wish you strength (hugs)