Grumpy Grandpa - AIBU?

Well if it’s not his thing (and not everybody enjoys time with young teens) let him stay home, and you do things with the teens on your own. I doubt the 16 year old will wanting to be ‘hanging out’ with grandparents much longer mine were all off doing their own thing with their friends at the age and younger

Let grandad be free of these duties and chose to come if and when he feels he wants to, after all they’re not toddlers to be looked after enjoy your time with them and don’t be worried about the fourth teenager

Has he always been grumpy and easily irritated or is this a relatively new trait in his behaviour OP?
The children are of an age to know how to behave in a restaurant surely but had the 11 year old overstepped a boundary on that occasion?
You aren’t being unreasonable to feel upset with him but there might be an underlying cause for his short temper and low tolerance. Even a UTI can present as such so maybe ask if he feels unwell or does he have any other symptoms.
Consider monitoring him if he won’t open up and discuss this with you and depending on what you notice, think about making an appointment with his GP.
Enjoy your time with the DGC though, they grow up much too fast!

Having the GCs during school holidays can
be exhausting no matter what their ages. Your husband may not have the stamina that you possess so perhaps give him a rest sometimes whilst you take the kids out and ask the 16 year old to help out with his/her siblings, is certainly old enough to do this.
Cannot imagine is enjoyable for you either to watch your husband reaching the end of his tether, you must be on pins, so would be more enjoyable to let him have a day off every so often.
Obvs snapping at the 11 year old wasn’t good but it depends on the context, what was the 11 year old doing at the time. You say they are excitable and noisy but they aren’t small children so this should be more manageable, if it isn’t then do have a word with them, they are old enough to be negotiated with.
All the best with this.

My DH does get very grumpy too at times. It certainly brings the little ones back in line when Grandad “barks” at them 😂

If you H isn’t normally like this with your GC just keep an eye on his attitude towards them along with other things.
I hate to be alarmist, it it easy to sense things which aren’t there but my H loved our GC and loved their company until very gradually he changed, little things to start with but over a couple of years he tired easily with them.
It was the start of dementia.
Many people say when looking back the signs are there long before we recognise them.
I realise this may not be the case with your H, he may just be Grumpy Grandpa.

But is he grumpy to not to always want to go on ‘teenage’ adventure day?
Granny loves it so ler her go and enjoy her time with the teens and let Grampa do his own thing most of the time and just come out on occasions. I can’t think of anything worse that dragging an unwilling grandparent on ‘fun adventures’
Let him do some gardening or mend the shed or something

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. It’s hard when you’re trying to create happy memories with the grandkids and your partner reacts in a way that feels harsh. Even if the kids brushed it off, I can see why it upset you. They’re just being kids, and tone matters a lot in those moments

...true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" is a restaurant is just not on.

The language used would be the issue for me - not telling them to be quiet!

*in A restaurant

How would Grandpa have reacted to the 11 year old telling him to 'Shut his mouth'?

Hmm, I did wonder when I read noisy, excitable and in a restaurant whether he was more aware of the reactions of other diners than you were🤔

I wouldn’t have liked his language but perhaps the sentiment wasn’t entirely out of place.

NotSpaghetti

...true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" is a restaurant is just not on.

The language used would be the issue for me - not telling them to be quiet!

That’s what I think too.
Teenagers can be noisy but they need to learn to dial it down in social situations. Telling them to be quieter is the way to go, but in different words.

The kids are kids; they get over excited, noisy etc.

The 'kids' are all of an age when they should be able to behave in a restaurant without getting noisy and over-excited.
I presume your husband did not enjoy their uncouth behaviour.
On the other hand: shut your mouth is a horrible expression; 'be quiet' would have been more appropriate.
I hope your argument was about his choice of expression, not your belief that kids will be kids and thus excuses poor behaviour.

I'm finding most of the old men I know are grumpy, sometimes unbearably so.

I either tell them off or ignore them.

I agree that if he doesn't like being around the GCs then let him do his own thing.

I know a family who do always everything and go everywhere together and I find that stifling. The GCs always seem miserable. I don't think its healthy but that's just me.

..true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" in a restaurant is just not on.

Indeed. He may have a point. I don't like the language he used, but if you are both involved in their care, then disciplining them is part of the job. And it falls to both of you. You might feel less concerned about letting them get away with this, but it is reasonable that he should have a different view and seek to curb their unruly behaviour.

My youngest GC is now 9 and he absolutely knows how to behave in a restaurant, as do all his older siblings and cousins.

If they are like that in a restaurant then I would guess they are even worse in the home - no wonder your OH is fed up!

Have to say that the kids didn't seem that bothered. - it is not ideal that they are not bothered about being pulled up on unacceptable behaviour.

I’d leave him at home another time. But TBH if the Gdcs were being excessively noisy in a restaurant, maybe it’s time they learned to behave appropriately.

PS, but saying ‘Shut your mouth!’ was IMO bad manners, too. He could have worded it rather better. My father used to say ‘Pipe down!’ if any of us was getting a bit noisy.

As someone else has wondered, what was the context of Grandpa's outburst? Was the 11yo eating with his mouth open or being a 'hullaballoo'? Either way the words grandpa used are not excessive imo, though not ones I would have used.

Kids do need to be told NO sometimes and if your GCs are excitable and noisy where it is not appropriate, perhaps they haven't been taught enough about good manners.

Admittedly grandpa's manners leave something to be desired too. Perhaps grandma should try to calm the kids down before it gets to grandpa outburst time.

Just to clarify, I have no issue at all with disciplining the kids and telling them to quiet down, they were just getting over excited really but it was entirely appropriate to call them on it.
My issue this time was his choice of words: "Shut your mouth" to a beloved grandchild is just wrong in my opinion.
He is very often grumpy, it is nothing new.
I always offer him the choice of not coming but he nearly always says he wants to come and is offended by me even suggesting him not come!
It is a bit of a lose-lose situation TBH.
I am constantly tense and on edge worried about him losing his temper.
I think the kids actually enjoy seeing him get irritated, it seems like a game to them.
But this time I just got really upset by his words.
He thinks I am completely out of line to be upset or to criticize him and says it is between them and him
I think that if we are out together his behavior reflects on me too, and if I don't react then I am condoning those words (which I am absolutely not).
Any more advice?
Thank you all for weighing in

Do you have to keep going out can’t they do things around your area, at those ages mine were out and about with friends
I mean it depends how often these trips are, it sounded a regular thing how you’ve described it.
In my opinion 16 is incredibly old to be hanging around with nanny and grandad and siblings isn’t he or she off with their friends without a glance back at grandparents. Even 13 year olds usually want to ‘hang out’ as they put it
Yes your husbands choice of words were definitely wrong but if that’s his only crime in the heat of the moment ?

You call them your beloved grandkids well we all love our grandkids but ‘beloved’ sounds really OTT as a description are you sure you’re not over doing it all
Are they girls or boys by the way ?

Is the sort of behaviour in question what the child's parents would normally allow, or not correct?

I've had to point out to my husband that he's taking out his annoyance on the wrong person.
It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for him.

Yes you need to correct the behaviour, but it's not always a child's fault if they don't realise it's not acceptable to you and people in general.
In which case the wording and tone need to reflect this.

Telling a child to 'shut your mouth' is horrible.

Hmm. If was “appropriate to call them out” on their behaviour,
why weren’t you doing that?

IF you feel his behaviour reflects badly on you, perhaps he feels your just letting the GC behaviour go reflects badly on him.

Sorry but it does sound as if you put him in the position of being grumpy, reprimanding grandad by not stepping in yourself.

My partner is not at all grumpy with my grandchildren- aged between 10 to 14 and I am grateful for this obviously, because he had no children of his own, and there is mutual fondness between them
However, I am curious to know whether anyone on this thread has any experience of consulting a GP (we are registered with the same practice) about worrying changes in a partners behaviour.
He is in absolute denial so he won’t go himself, so how should I approach the GP and what can be done practically?

The only other person who I could share this with is his brother but he lives in another city and has had serious health problems of his own to deal with- but they do get on.