Grandchildren not playing

Your house your rules, take the toy away from the elder child and explain that she should share or put the toy away somewhere safe, maybe have some joint toys for them?
Special toys stay in another room, if it’s their house then I’m afraid it’s their rules and you just have to sit and watch them deal with it.
I’m sure when the youngest one is older they will get their own back then you will have fights to untangle!

It is normal they do not mesh well with such an age gap, wait for a year and it may change.

Also, siblings may have different interests and just because they are siblings- they do not have to play or get along

I would let them pick what they want to do, individually

When the oldest gets toys from the youngest, it pushes the youngest (wait that to happen the opposite way soon) - inwould correct it with explanations why it is wrong
The oldest gc is old enough to understand it

It is how kids behave, I am afraid

You need to know why she's doing it. If it's attention seeking try to forestall it making sure she has all your attention for a good time before you play with her sibling. If you can set her on with something she is interested in she is less liable to want the toy the younger child has. Punishing her or telling her off may upset her but it also gives her the attention she wants.
You could also try initiating play which involves both children. Something she can do which will amuse the younger, hiding things in boxes, jack in a box where she pushes the button, even rolling a ball back and forward between the three of you.
Remember she isn't being naughty she's trying to deal with her feelings about this other child who has come into the family and who at 17 months isn't the baby who slept most of the time any more.
But that's another thing when the younger child naps make sure you give her some precious one to one time. She just needs to feel she is still loved.

I agree with Hithere. Why do adults always want children to share? Another way to look at it is that the little one is demanding the right to take the older one's things without being invited - do you really want to encourage that behaviour?

What i am about to say is undoubtedly biased, but as the eldest child, I remember having games and crafts etc ruined by younger siblings and being called naughty or selfish when I objected. It's really not fair. My sister took all my things, and I really resented it. We only got possessions at Christmas and birthdays, so I hated feeling that nothing was really mine.

The older one shouldn't push the little one, but maybe it's frustration, and she wouldn't need to take things away if the adults made sure her games weren't spoilt? She's only four.

They are different age groups, and if their relationship isn't soured at this stage they may grow to like one another and start to share when they each have things that the other wants and can pool their resources. Letting the little one rule the roost is unlikely to encourage that though.

Spot on on the sharing- how many adults like sharing their most prized possession?
If somebody gets it w/o your consent, wouldn't you get mad?

I also teach my kids that any toys they have around, the other sibling may grab it and play with it

I also teach them to ask for permission before getting anything that it is not theirs

If they have something very special, that sibling truly has to take care of it instead of lying on the floor and then complain the other sibling is using it

Op's youngest gc is not there yet

This is why I said that I would only look after my GC one at a time when they were small. Dealing with small children's squabbles is very difficult, especially as we get older. And there are things that we might not wish to tolerate that their parents ignore, which complicates keeping order.

I am having 2 GC overnight tomorrow - they are school age, so less of a problem in some ways. But there will be squabbles - and I am not looking forward to that!

Children in close ages - play well together only if with something that is aged appropriate to the second child. The elder as a "teacher" of sorts. Mine were read mountains of books, played with balls, built block towers, took baths (together) with bubbles, went on long explores in the fields, picked up little rocks, coloured leaves, twigs - easy fun instead of toys that don't match all ages.

The discipline part is hard, I have a 'dare you not look' that I understand makes children stop in their tracks.

We all have 'that' look - use it along with 'mum tone' of whisper.

It's absolutely normal behaviour for children of those ages. When my children were small - all close in age- I would let the older one sit in playpen with things like Lego so younger one couldn't get at it!

Now I have grandchildren I see them squabbling over toys, but as they get a bit older, they play together some of the time. As others have said, try to let them play separately at the ages they are at now- unless it's something simple like batting a balloon around!

I have exactly the same Bungle. The recently turned 4 year old GD gets very upset with DGS 18 months spoiling her imaginative games. He however, can completely hold his own and physically attacks her when thwarted. It’s so bad neither set of grandparents looks after them at the same time unless it’s for babysitting. On their own they are both very well behaved. She is a delicate flower; he is a bruiser. Other times they do hug each other so it’s not all bad!

Children getting upset when they are corrected is absolutely normal and you should not feel guilty as long as you are correcting them calmly and kindly. Her behaviour towards her sibling is also perfectly normal but if you don't correct it, she'll learn when she gets to school because they won't let her behave like this so you are really doing her a favour by teaching her to share.
We set timers here. If a child is playing with a toy that doesn't belong to them and the other one wants it, we set a timer for say, 10 minutes then we get them to hand it over. If it is their toy, we let the owner have it but when they want to play with the other child's toy we have the discussion about sharing and they don't get to play with it. If they fight over a toy, we take it away saying, toys are there to make you happy and as you aren't happy, we'd better take it away. It's amazing how quickly they learn.

5 year gap with my two grandkids …,painting at table I found kept them together yet apart ….different ends of a well protected dining table was optimum. Set of paint apparatus each ( so no arguments) and that would keep them busy at least an hour! Then onto something else …maybe toddler in push chair with eldest alongside and off to the park with a packed lunch…and a football for them… that would kill at least two hours. Too cold for picnic!? Then into greggs/subway/any other place like that for an illicit burger/sandwich with French fries!
Off home for toddler ‘ nap’ sometimes … time for eldest attention with nanny only!
It’s trial and error I’m afraid…but we’ll worth the effort . Good luck !

Already lots of great advice on this thread. I would not allow the older child to continue taking toys away from the little one, it is unfair, unkind, displays a non-sharing tendency, and is a form of bullying - your house, your rules.
When you do have the children to childmind I imagine the younger one would have a nap - make that a time to have a one-to-one with the older child, read a book together or do a craft that is unsuitable for the little one.
After nap time it is back to 'communal'. play with lots of sharing and no snatching away of toys.
This regime worked with my children and they in turn use it with their own.

Just part of learning process I am afraid. How to share . I just allow each their own toys and when they take things off each other and use my firm voice or turn it into a game. I do remind the older one though that when the youngest goes for a nap we can play a game or just snuggle and that seems to do the trick.
Love the painting idea and will definitely try that . Its a balence isn't it between playing together and allowing them one on one time. Exhausting too but wouldnt have it any other way.

Bungle don't feel guilty or upset about reprimanding them if you feel it's needed. If they see that their behaviour upsets you they'll take full advantage of that as they get older. You're going to have to toughen up a bit.

I remember it well when my own children were that age! I didn't often take toys away from them and they were too young to fully understand about sharing. Yes, there were arguments, and some epic fights and tears along the way, but I knew they'd grow out of it as they got older, and they did - at least until they reached their teens! I suppose because they were all boys I just expected them to clash even from a very early age. But if we had had a daughter she would have had to be a pretty tough cookie to survive in our family so I doubt it would have been any different! Now that they're all adults they are the very best of friends and very caring and supportive of each other.

I have said to our GC "If you argue or fight over it someone is going to get hurt, and if it's you don't coming running to me for sympathy." It's tough love but I'm not a softie walkover kind of grandma. Arguments, tears and a few bruises are all par for the course in growing up with siblings.

You cannot expect a 3 year old to want to play with a 17 month old. It's nice if they do, but what you are describing is quite usual.

I would provide the little one with toys and leave her to play as she pleases.

Ask the older girl what she wants to do? Play, and if so, let her choose the toys herself (except those reserved for little one), or help you?

I know it takes longer to dust the room if you have a 3 year old crawling around with a duster, rubbing enthusiastically at the chair legs, but she will love helping you.

If she wants to play, let her do so. If she pushes her sister, stop her gently and say something like, "No dear, that hurts", move her away from her sister and try to distract the big one into playing something else.

Don't scold her, just gently say no.

If she persists in wanting whatever toy her sister is playing with, I would let her choose the toys she wants first, and give the younger one the rest. After that take a toy away from the big girl if she takes it from her sister and give it back to the little one.

It will eventually dawn upon her that grandma is not going to let her have her own way all the time, and she will love you for setting understandable boundaries.

I buy stuff for my grandson who is 3 and his older brother is 11 my step grandson and I don’t care if I’m in his house or mine if he grabs stuff off him and it’s my grandsons I will say don’t do that. Only in my case my oldest step grandson has had everything his own way from my daughter inlaw and her mum and my grandson gets left out I can see in future this becoming a major problem for her. My son does everything he can but when you living in it you don’t see it I’ve tried to tell them but they can’t see what I can see.

My sister and I were never allowed to squabble and so we hated each other because differences were never settled. I tried a different tack with my two and let them get on with it, providing there was no physical contact and no possession in danger of breakage. If there was physical contact I would remonstrate, but not tell them to stop arguing. If a possession was in danger of breakage, I would silently remove it and keep it safe. They soon ran out of steam!

Is it possible that the elder is jealous of the younger? After all she would have been the centre of attention before the second child was born.

When my brother, 20 months younger than me, was born I was given a large baby doll so that I had a baby of my own. As with my two later siblings, we had a hand in caring for them and sitting holding them whilst tucked safely onto the settee.

I still have that doll, called Jennifer who is about 75 years old. She is proudly wearing trousers and jumper knitted by my nana about 40 years ago.

My grandson was so jealous of his baby sister he used to try and pull her off mum when she was feeding her They ve had a love hate relationship even now as nearly adults….but…. If anyone hurt or wronged the other one, watch out
I think sibling rivalry is fairly normal Give them equal attention Teach the elder one to help you with the younger one because ‘she’s so much older and so clever’ appeal to her better side her cleverness how grown up she is and how helpful she is flattery will get you everywhere

Don’t tell her off it is normal behaviour but give up enormous praise for helping the baby and teaching her things and tell her she’s so clever and helpful to you praise not rebuff goes a lot further switch it all round use a bit of psychology
I m sure it ll be fine

Put a timer on it i.e the child who has the toy can play for 10 minutes, then it is the other child’s turn for the next ten minutes. Good for limiting activities, or bath play as there is prior warning that the activity is going to stop in a set time.

I would ask the older sibling to give the younger one a toy to keep them busy and away from their active play. That way you are teaching them to solve their own problem.

It always seemed to work for me.

If the younger one is more determined, then separate them. Put the older one up at the kitchen table with their toy and the younger one on the floor.

Good luck, it certainly is irritating when they don't get along!

All children are jealous when a younger sibling arrives, and it's normal 😊 Some children hide it better than others, but still the feeling of dropping from favour is there. I saw it with my children and now with my grandchildren. I let them have their favourite toys to themselves without having to share them and that works here. And I don't tell them they have to play together, that will come when they're ready for it. Of course that involves spending most of my time on the floor with my grandchildren playing on both sides 💝

It is very stressful when siblings squabble, the little one is still a baby! If you have space would it be possible to have two separate play spaces - clearly defined spaces. Never expect them to always share, when my G.C. come they each have their own scissors, paint, felt tip pens , paper
etc. What is happening is expected behaviour, so don't think you are at fault. Having said that I do recognize how difficult it is , our generation are expected to do a great deal regarding child care ! Although I have always done one day a week it is a huge commitment. I would fully support any GP who said no - we have done our bit !!!!!