Giving up Childcare

Gracious, they are selfish.

Having given plenty of notice, I'd ignore their ridiculous behaviour and continue to give up any childcare for their child.

This is a difficult one Edge26 !
I think to withhold you seeing your GS's is totally out of order as is abusing you verbally. Could you compromise and reduce your childcare to one afternoon a week? They will probably say you have the remaining 6 days to do stuff with your partner or is your decision because you both want to travel a lot and don't wish to be tied down? I don't know about other gransnetters on here but I'm so tired of the distress that seems to be heaped on grandparents these days.

I feel your pain, but why should you reduce your childcare down to one day a week, if this isn’t convenient.
When Mr York and I retired we regularly spent long weeks abroad in the winter sun. It’s your life and it’s not going to be easy to explain this to them.
I hope they eventually realise that they have had excellent care from you and that there are other solutions to their problems.

I don't have any advice but this is an awful situation and I hope they realise how badly they have behaved

What a horrible situation for you.
They should be ashamed of what they have said and the way they have been using you.

I do understand your predicament but maybe the better course of action would have been to phase the childcare. out gradually. Let me explain........perhaps you could have told son and DIL that as your OH has now retired you will be going to xxxx on a particular date and they will need to make alternative arrangements for childcare. Your wouldn't need to be having a holiday, just arranging outings or activities together.

I would have used this explanation on several occasions but given them adequate notice, which is only fair;. They would have soon got the picture that you have a life and are not there purely for their convenience.

They are totally out of order to withhold access to your GC, that is emotional blackmail and they should be ashamed.

just ignore them.
live your life.
don't waste energy trying to get them to understand or accept your position. you don't need to do that. and don't be blackmailed either.
grey rock. don't react.

How would they like it if you didn’t give up, but kept telling them at the last minute that you had something else on, or were going away, leaving them in the lurch? You have been very reasonable in giving notice. They are being unreasonable in their reaction.

My advice is to t let it wash over you Edge. As emmasnan has posted you should be ashamed of what they're saying and the way they are treating you.

Emotional blackmail and using children as weapons is an awful way to behave.

I was in a sort of similar position a few years ago. When asked to do the Nursery run for my sons little boy, I had to say ‘No’, because I was already committed to school-runs for my older 2 grandchildren plus I was working part-time. I think my son and d.I.l.were quite miffed at first, but gradually understood my position. I assured them that I would help with babysitting, if the wanted to go out etc. And I still do. I am glad I made that decision . I would have absolutely no time for myself.
So, you should put your foot down. You and your husband want time for yourselves.
And you have done enough for them, until now. Your son and d.I.l. will eventually understand.

It's horrible, and I feel so sorry for you. And this is th kind of pressure and blackmail I talked about in another thread recently, as same as happened to friends in recent years.

I do feel sorry for your situation but think you should "let them stew" for a while.

My son and daughter-in-law were amazed whe I said "no" to regular childcare. They were quite spikey for a few weeks but all is fine now.

I'm sure you will still be available for genuine emergencies. Genuine emergencies are rare, and I know I would cross oceans to be useful in a real emergency. Meanwhile the other grandparents do a lot - or they find alternative childcare.

I think your son and family will do the same.
I can't see why they really think you don't want to see the boys. I think this hasty and unkind talk was in the heat of it all.

Good luck.

I have personally experienced the same sort of situation. If I won't babysit, put up with all sorts of nasty remarks and "lend" money without hope of repayment I do not see my grandchildren.
This seems to be the way parents of today negotiate with grandparents. This is blackmail not negotiation.

Edge

Given your background, why do you want to reason with the unreasonable
You know it won't work

You had to call the police on your own son!

Just do what you said you would do

Their children, their responsibility. How rude of them. They are lucky you have given them so much help already. The notice is more than reasonable.

Crikey. I couldn’t cope in my seventies with a baby. I had no relatives prepared to help with our only son, no break for a night out or a holiday. I knew that was how it would be so thought long and hard about having a baby. I somehow earned enough money to pay for junior nanny. He adored her and so did I. We shared his care, so she had a break too. He’s early 30’s now so if he decides to have a baby I will be a support but couldn’t cope with child care. Emergency, yes.

Judging by the amount of times you've posted about you're abusive son even going back to last year I would advise to tell him just where to go.
I think you've taken more than enough abuse from him and can't understand why you have to bow down to him. He deserves nothing. He's using you for a doormat.
Live your life and enjoy it.

welbeck

just ignore them.
live your life.
don't waste energy trying to get them to understand or accept your position. you don't need to do that. and don't be blackmailed either.
grey rock. don't react.

My thoughts exactly.

What an unpleasant, ungrateful pair they are.

Hithere

Edge

Given your background, why do you want to reason with the unreasonable
You know it won't work

You had to call the police on your own son!

Just do what you said you would do

Your comments in this instance are not helpful.

This is a terrible situation. I don’t know about the background story, but don’t give in. You’ve given them lots of notice, they will get over it and need a babysitter soon enough.
When my two were little, my mum offered to babysit 2 afternoons each week, until they decided they needed a holiday at very short notice. I couldn’t get the time off from work so had to leave my job ! At least you’ve given them plenty of time. Enjoy your retirement.

I’m sorry for the position you’re in and think that your GCs parents have been unkind and unreasonable towards you. You are perfectly entitled to enjoy your retirement with your DH and still see your GC from time to time. In my opinion however there’s nothing I would rather do than be with my GC and help my AC. No other activity appeals to me as much. We are all different and you should spend your time as you choose and still enjoy a good relationship with your family.

Without knowing the background at all here I think you’re perfectly reasonable and giving them plenty of notice , I know in my area right now childcare facilities have a wait list sometimes up to a year to get into but I assume but if that is the case where you are you’d be willing t help until they could get in someplace I’d they were diligently trying ? Either way I hope ds if just frustrated by the change to their lives and comes around

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

Just as a matter off interest, if you do give in and agree to continue with the present arrangement, would they take you up on it?