Grandson confusion

What a problem Jud I feel that none of us can really help but can commiserate.
At 11 I feel your GS is far too youngto make a reasoned decision about his father, who may not even want to see him, would that distress him do you feel?
If he does meet him, at that age he is likely to believe anything he is told by his father. He cannot differentiate from truth and lies especially if he is told he was kept away.
I do not envy you and your D in facing this.
Is he being influenced by anyone do you think?
Sorry I cant help.

Thanks for the reply Annsixty.

The father keeps on telling everyone he meets, and on social media, that he loves his son and is being kept from him. This generates lots of sympathy which is why he does it. In the early days, both DD and I tried to arrange visits which he always sidestepped, not turning up. We even went to a solicitor to try to get him to commit to visiting times etc. Nothing. Refused to cooperate with CSA and left UK so and then gloated that he couldn't be touched.

DGS has recently gone on to social media sites to find out more info about the father. I am worried that he may have had communication but he says not. I have asked him to let any of the adults in the family that he trusts know if this is the case. It is the angry frustration he is beginning to admit to feeling that I worry about.

Oh Judthepud I don’t know where to start to reply to you! My son is 38 years old and is still effected by this. Basically his father left me when my son was a small baby and despite my trying desperately over the years (even begging) for his father to spend some time with him he didn’t want to know . He had started a new life with a new family and my son was an inconvenience . My son however, thought this man was some kind of saint that I had driven away and could not accept the truth . I did manage to set up meetings with him a few times over the years and Promises were made and broken and to be honest all he did was screw my poor boys mind up . It breaks my heart that even at 17 he promised to take him backpacking abroad . My son packed his bag and waited for him to pick him up and the b*st*rd didn’t show up ! He said “ something had cropped up” of course I had the aftermath to clear up ! He eventually found out the truth for himself after being let down more times than I can remember. Years later his father died quite suddenly and my son took it very badly indeed . He still says that “ he never got chance to tell him what he thought of him”.

I wish I could say that I should have done things any differently I honestly do but I’m not sure what I could have done ? He worshipped a man he didn’t know and nothing I said was going to change that until he found out for himself.

I’m not going to offer any advice because I don’t think there is any . Let’s just hope your darling GS finds out for himself sooner rather than later .

Meant to add my sons father did not contribute one penny to his upbringing either.

Social media has a lot to answer for in my opinion.
I just feel sad for you all GS included.
He sounds a very mature boy ,another worry really, he may not be old enough emotionally to deal logically with his feelings.

It's really difficult isn't it jud? I have no advice really just to say that I empathise completely.

Our Idiot hasn't see his children for 6 months because dd didn't tell him Bertie was in hospital with an asthma attack. She had told him the time before but he was too busy (on a stag do) to even reply!

DD and her partner went for one session with Relate who gave them some strategies to help explain why he is such an a*s*h*l*. Might that be worth a try?

gillybob this sounds so familiar. DD and I are so afraid that this exact scenario will happen with GS. He already told me that maybe his father just needs to be loved! he thinks he can help him. The man is in his fifties. Leopard and spots come to mind.

What is it with these self delusional idiots?

He is going to track him down anyway, so help him. Dont try to talk him out of it, that would play into the dads narrative that you are the bad guys. You have to be as un resistant as possible to that he sees for himself.

Help arrange a meeting. That way you can do damage control.

Invite the dad to your DDs home.
That way he cant claim that she is stopping him from seeing your son, and it'll be harder to spin a yarn if he shows up. IF he shows! If he doesn't at least you will be there and able to do damage control and your DGS will have support.

Personally go through the professionals they should be able to guide him through the processing of all the information . I definitely don’t think that 11 is too young but mom and him are going to need professional help to do it.

I absolutely do not recommend anyone slagging his father off to him though because otherwise he is just going to build a picture in his head of the “hard done to Dad who everyone picks on”. Even if it is the truth which I don’t doubt

Also make sure your Grandson can see all of the paperwork so he has in the back of his head what his Mom did too facilitate his Dad seeing him. This will be very unpleasant for him to come to terms with and this is where outside help would be useful.

Hi Judthepud2, I agree with notanan and mumof3, help him but be clear with him what the outcome may be, and get professional child counselling involved if/when it goes wrong. My sister-in-law suffered the same with her OH when they split, and the lack of a father figure affected my nephew when he was growing up. He still has anxiety sometimes, but is now happily married with a new baby, so don't despair, a supportive family is so important.

I agree with notanan2 your grandson is going to find his father so it's better to do it with your support judthepud. Your grandson will have a rosy picture in his mind so he will need you when it doesn't go well.
Children soon see when things are not right.

Your grandson needs support to locate his father and to manage whatever events and feelings arise from that. I feel for your daughter and understand her concern that her son will be told lies. I don't know what professional help is available but maybe one of the charities like Bernardos or Nspcc could support your grandson and his mum.
11 is challenging age for the child and his parents but blocking this request is likely only to increase his anger.
Best of luck.

Just to be clear, no one is blocking GS request at all but we are trying to prepare him for what we know for certain will be said. I have told him that we will always be there for him, that we love him but that he should know that the man will try to turn him against us. Is this wrong? BTW he has 2 good supportive father figures in his life: his step father and my DH.

I'd suggest supporting his request and also agree with preparing him. It might be helpful to roleplay with him the kinds of things his biodad may say to him and how he should respond.

At his age he's starting to develop his own identity. Knowing your genetic roots is part of that so I'm not really surprised he wants to get in contact with his biological father. I don't think he is trying to reject his stepfather or grandfather. Rather I see it as trying to learn his origins so he can start to determine who he is.

I agree with Notanan - if DGS is able to find his father on social media anyway, it would be best if you or his mother was part of that. Otherwise he'll do it on his own - I'd hate to think of the consequences if he did that. Best wishes.

. I have told him that we will always be there for him, that we love him but that he should know that the man will try to turn him against us. Is this wrong?
Yes.
You will play right into bio dad's game if you keep doing that.

You must stop bad mouthing him otherwise you will prove biodad "right"

If you are supportive biodad wont get to use that against you

Jud, it's great that your grandson has a loving and supportive family around him. He's at an age when wanting to know more and meet his birth father is inevitable. Your grandson will have absorbed the family view of his biological father. He's at an age where he's bound to question whether that view is fair and honest. It's time to try not get drawn back into repeating views, he knows what they are. He may hope they're wrong, or that his dad has changed and is now the best dad he could hope for. All his maternal family can do is try not to bad mouth his biological father, to provide stable, calm and consistent support for him at this difficult time (difficult for everyone I know)

Please ignore agnurse's suggestion that you 'role play the kind of things his bio dad may say to him and how he should respond'. Its very bad advice on every level. Your grandson is aware that his maternal family are not fans of his biological father. Attempts to coach his responses to things his father may say are destined to cause significant problems.

Largely agree with all the positive advice. However I 'm not sure that the eventual meeting should take place at your DD's home and would consider neutral ground.
The nearest I 've come to this situation was supporting DD through the process of tracing her biological mother and they chose the 'neutral ground' for their first meeting.

I can understand your anxiety in this situation but you sound a close family so whatever the outcome of finding his biological father is he will have the support of you all. I too think that it's inevitable he will do this either with our without your knowledge - it would be so much better if it's with. I don't know if there is any mediation available who would be able to give some professional advice or even arrange a meeting on neutral ground. A child of 11 who knows his father is out there somewhere is bound to want to find answers and has probably been thinking of this for some time - he may not want to believe the stories he's heard and hope that he can have a great relationship however if he is let down he needs to know you are all there with no recriminations.

Such a sensitive situation - I agree with those who suggest finding a neutral person such as a social worker who can make contacts in a non-emotional way. The little boy isn't going to give up.
We know two people who contacted a long lost parent in adulthood. One has started a good relationship, the other was refused contact. Very upsetting for her.

Wow!

Firstly at 11, you're just starting that period of your life where your grown and change in so many ways and start to discover more about yourself. It may be a natural reaction to that.

I think if he wants to find him, the bets thing would be to support him and actively be involved. As you've said, the father is quite aggressive and if you try to put him off, your GS may try to do it all alone in secret which may not be the safest thing. At least with you involved, you can be there to support him whatever happens.

Very difficult one for you as GS is quite adamant that he wants to meet his Dad. I personally would calmly ensure that he knows exactly what went on to cause the breakdown of the relationship and voice my fears that the father would try to turn the boy against his Mum with various allegations. If you can stereotype, it sounds as if he would be manipulative and use the boy to try to score points, irrespective of hurting the boy. Is it a possibility for one of you to meet the father over a coffee in a public place with the boy and set some ground rules ? Even tho it’s the last thing that any of you want, it would be even worse if he met him behind your back and damaged him with mind games.

It is so easy to put across on social media that the absent parent is so hard done to - my ex son in law does this and so does his new partner and my daughter's ex mother in law does it too. What they don't say is how many times my daughter has driven a 600 mile round trip to take the grandkiddies to see them or that he hasn't paid the CSA (or whatever they are called now) and owes my daughter over £2000 and rising (he was only paying for the kiddies, nothing for my daughter) . The three of them are experts at omitting the uncomfortable truth. My grandson is now 15 and has seen for himself the lies that are being told, he has the choice of letting his Dad have his mobile number (or not) and also whether he wants to meet up with him or not. My eldest granddaughter is 12 and has begun to realise Dad, his new partner and Grandma tells lies to other people and she too has the choice whether to give her number to him or not although my daughter encourages her to see him if he arranges a visit, but the final choice is up to her. My little granddaughter who is 9 still thinks her Dad is the best and she keeps in contact with him on her own phone. I think you have to let them make their own minds up - as they get older children can usually see through the tales and lies and although it can be very upsetting for them I believe it is better that they learn that for themselves