Who pays ?

It is a tough one, but if you are buying things like (for example) Petit Filous dessert type things, you could ask your DD to get them, saying something like "they don't always have them at (insert name of supermarket)"

If it's fruit, satsumas for example say that the ones at (supermarket) didn't look very good this week. Of course you're bu**ered if you both shop at the same place.

Alternatively say "goodness, I didn't realise how much it adds to shopping bill when you are buying xyz items on top of our weekly shop".

No, I don't get anything towards food but I am going to look after them at their home next term. It does mount up, doesn't it, especially as I'll eat anything myself but get them the best, and my food bill is one of the ways I can cut back my expenditure if I need to.

I think if you are providing care on a regular basis it would not be out of order to speak to Dd about the cost of food.
After all, if they were in a Nursery or with a child-minder , the cost would be astronomical.

Difficult subject to raise though, suppose it depends how your money stretches.

Also I know a lot of G/P"s do child mind but they ARE HELPING when all is said and done. You probably do washing as well [just guessing]

Another thought has just occurred to me whilst I was putting into water the lovely roses himself bought in as he has been out for the afternoon.

I do however know that a friend who child-minds and goes to pick them up, never gets petrol money or anything in fact , must say it does rankle with her quite a bit!

If the question of money has never been raised, your DD may think you might be offended if it was offered

I keep a tally of what we have spent on the GC when we look after them and especially if we have taken them to some children's attraction, then we take off what we think we should pay for such as ice creams etc., then about every few months we email our son with the list and ask him to pay. This works well.

However, if they were in a bad financial situation perhaps we would not do this.

Just seen Nonu's post and we add petrol money, as we have to travel about 150 miles there and back every few weeks.

If we are invited and not expected to look after the children, we pay our own petrol.

This is a tough one ninathenana . I would say if you are financially okay (not struggling) then I wouldn't mention it. However is money is a little tight then perhaps you should. My three aren't big or fussy eaters but I do have to buy special cereals for them and provide two x 3 full meals a week (more in the school holidays) which as you say really mounts up. Mind you I have to say I love having them sat around the table each talking about their day. It's what family life is all about.

DD was really on her uppers when she moved back from Northern Ireland so we didn't ask for any money towards food or petrol when we looked after the DGSs. She would often turn up on a Friday evening with a bottle of wine though

So many variations here. Is this the only family income or is this a secondary one? Does providing childcare get your DD out of a complete whole or is her salary going toward a foreign holiday.....its those types of questions that creep in.
Does your daughter appreciate what you are doing.....buying you flowers or treating you to a meal out from time to time?
Sounds like you need a conversation Ninthenana, you don't want to feel you are being taken advantage of but you don't want to make your DD feel awkward. I think I'd start slowly by just mentioning in an off hand way you are buying extra stuff that you would not normally buy....just sort of leave it out there and see what happens. Helping out with GC is a joy but if you are being seen as a permanent arrangement that is not really acknowledged then a bit of resentment could set in.
Tread very carefully but you do need to make sure both parties are happy with the arrangement.

I minded a few of my grandchildren over the years, for which I was paid a very small amount, just a bit of pocket money for myself, but their parents always brought their meals each day, although I provided things like fizzy drinks (shock, horror!!) and biscuits, sometimes cake and a few sweets.

I never ask for any payment for the things they eat/use - it would not occur to me to do so. But we are fairly comfortable financially and can manage OK. I am sure that if they thought it would stretch out budget to its limit, they would offer to help.

I also feel that we get so much in return: being a part of the little ones' lives, joining in outings, being included in family events/holidays, non-stop emotional support with our health difficulties etc.

I would say that if it does not stretch you uncomfortably financially then I would say nowt.

I agree with Mishap but we are comfortably off too.

As some of you know we have DD3 and her two little ones living with us and, certainly at the moment, she has very little money so we wouldn't dream of asking her to contribute but she does buy odd things like wine or extra bread etc.

We don't have the space to store all her stuff when the Idiot moves to a smaller place so we will have to look at storage. If she has any money by then, she can pay for that.

Never thought of asking for payment; in fact, the only things they eat that we would not normally buy are the little fromage frais and little yeo yogurts. I have some little yeo yogurts in the fridge that will go out of date before they come again so I have been eating them, and very nice they are too! But they are only here for 1 or 2 days a week, sometimes we give them dinner as well as lunch and breakfast, sometimes they go home for dinner.

They are 2 and 5 and eat what we eat anyway.

We take them out as well (petrol, entry fees etc)

It depends if you are seriously out of pocket and on a tight budget.

Actually, on a couple of points I must disagree.

Whether one is seriously out of pocket/on a tight budget etc, there is the politeness factor, i.e. offering to pay something towards expenses.

Yes, you are right, but it has never occurred to me until now

Same here, rosequartz. I'd never dream of asking for any sort of payment, or provision of meals, as DD is on an extremely tight budget and works full-time in a demanding job.

If you are seriously out of pocket, nina, speak up, but perhaps you could raise the subject with your DD rather more subtlely than asking directly for meals to be provided.

The politeness factor wouldn't usually be expected between mother and daughter, though - surely your DD knows your circumstances, nina?

We have our two gc for a week every school holiday and the occasional weekend for which we don't take any money. Also, if we take them to the cinema or other treat we don't expect to get paid. We also take them on a caravan holiday every year and my dd and sil do contribute to that. We are comfortably off, so it's not a problem. They do take us out for a meal occasionally. If money is a problem for you or you are feeling resentful then speak to your dd.

Ana there should always be the politeness factor, it is the other side of the "being taken for granted" coin.

But I wouldn't actually call it that. Between kith and kin there would usually be an understanding of each party's circumstances and their ability to absorb (or not) extra expense.

The 'politeness factor' sounds rather...distant to me. But that's just a personal opinion, of course.

It's not about politeness I feel - it is just family give and take. I often have food at the DDs' houses; indeed I help myself there as they do here. It simply is not a problem at all.

My DD bought me a delicious salmon meal the other day as a treat.

We don't keep count of who gives the most; we just share and share quite happily.

It would not occur to me to ask for recompense for the food, spare clothes, toys and books we keep here for our 3 DGC, nor for the petrol needed for collecting them from school. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to see them scoffing the food I have made for them, particularly when it involves our home grown fruit and veg.

One thing that is annoying is when I complete surveys which do not allow you to state that although no children actually live with us, there is scarcely a day when we do not feed one, two or all three of them. The pollsters must think that DH and I have enormous appetites

Now my grandsons are teenagers with appetites to match I get a huge amount of pleasure in having a family to feed again. DD works long hours so I always have snacks and home-made cake available for those 'starving' moments.

I can't imagine ever asking for money. My reward is being a big part of their lives and hearing things like, 'Granny, your cakes are the BEST'

No-one ever asks us to do a survey! Must be atypical.